The Red Stain

Closing the Red Stain

2010-09-22T01:02:00.001-05:00

I am beginning to blog again at Jennifer's Journey so please join me there. I just can't see a reason to continue to blog here. I would like to merge The Red Stain into Jennifer's Journey but I'm not sure how to do this. If anyone has advice here I'd greatly appreciate it.

Oh Dear, it's been a while

2010-03-13T22:49:00.002-05:00

Sorry about that. To be honest....I've just felt horrible. I haven't felt good enough to write or read. I've been battling some major irritability and well....depression. I HATE to say that, admit it. I have felt so bad. Muscle aches, hurting in my joints. I was convinced it was my thyroid.

Finally, after two batches of blood work it was discovered that I have a severe Vitamin D deficiency.

I was SO glad when they found this. I do believe my dh and my doctor thought that I was on the verge of having some sort of breakdown. I know I sure felt like I was losing my mind but I knew there was something wrong with me and that it wasn't all in my head. It was just so hard getting others to believe me...until they found it. My have I been rejoicing!

Heaven is doing well. She was 24 weeks today. And guess what?? Guess what we found out at her sonogram? I should have shared already and I thought about it countless times but I was surely convinced I'd cry though the whole thing just as I've done almost every day for the last while so I didn't.

Heaven is having................

a baby boy!

Can you imagine?

How sweet God is.

I've prayed all these years for a son. Even year before last I was trying so hard to conceive and now just a mere 2 years later I'm getting a grandson. I'm so happy. There just aren't any words to express.

My brother and his fiance just had a baby boy on Monday. They named him Derron Valor. He is BEAUTIFUL. I'm not exaggerating either. He is BEAUTIFUL. Oh, it was so awesome to hold him and breath in his newborn scent. Nothing in the world beats that.

Here he is:

It was a bittersweet day. We arrived at the hospital around 7:30 am and awaiting his birth which came quickly. He was born by c-section around 8:00 am. After we seen him and took his gorgeous pictures we went upstairs on a different floor in the hospital where my sweet precious grandmother was. I had visited her on Friday too and I hadn't seen her since Christmas. She fussed at me for being slack and not coming sooner. (I just couldn't, I was so emotional and going through so much mentally that I couldn't bare to see her or poppa in the state/shape they were in.) On Monday when we all went up she called us each by name and hugged us. I was the last one. Everyone else had left the room already. She asked me for a hug. I kissed on her cheek because she had an oxygen mask hooked up to her and lots of wires and things. She said, "No, I didn't say a kiss, I said I wanted a hug." I hugged her and she said, "I want a good hug." So I reached around all the garb and hugged her precious neck so tight. She said, "Now that was a good hug!" Then she told me just as she had the rest of the family that was there to see her that day that she was tired and wanted to be left alone. She said, "I'm going to take me a nap."

"Okay Nannie, you sleep and we'll bring the baby up in just a little bit to see you." I told her. She shook her head okay.

We went back down to the birthing center and went in to see my brother's fiance and new son. It hadn't been 10 minutes when they came to tell us that she had passed away.

We had her funeral on Wednesday. It was a long day. Full of sorrow and yet full of comfort and joy.

The hardest part was seeing my pa. He and my nannie would have been married 65 years on July 6th. Can you imagine spending 65 years with someone and then having to watch them die before you? His pain broke my heart.

I knew nannie was ready to go and I knew she was suffering. I was able to let her go with a sigh of relief that she wouldn't have to fight for another breath.

It's been an emotional time. I'll catch up with you ladies soon. If I cross your mind please keep me and my family in your prayers.

Thanks

A Different Place

2010-01-26T19:03:00.000-05:00

Today I was reading back through my blog.

Two years.

It's a long time and yet 2 years isn't long at all.

For me, last year is almost an eternity ago.

I can't believe the place I was in. It's so easy to forget the pain. Reading my own words is like looking into someone else's life.

I'm so thankful that I started this blog. I'm so thankful that I can go back and read where I was and what I went through. I'm so thankful that the Lord has healed me and brought me to a new place.

I'm thankful that I have met each of you. SO many of you now have a baby! I think, if I'm counting right only 3 of you are still waiting. A few of you are on your journeys to #2. I continue to pray for all of you, that every family will have as many children as they want.

May the New Year of 2010 bring more answered prayers and God richly bless each of you!

Missing Blog Friend

2010-01-15T15:58:00.003-05:00

You know who you are.

Please send me an e-mail.

When I visited your page and you were no longer there I cried.

Lost out there in cyber space realizing that there is absolutely no way I can find you or contact you, now that you are gone, unless by some happenstance you stop by here and see this cry and that you'll respond.

Please know that I'm praying for you, I love you and the thought of never hearing from you again makes me sick.

You hang in there friend.

BIG HUGS

Sleepless Nights

2010-01-14T04:52:00.002-05:00

I am SO off schedule. Up all night and sleep all day. It makes me feel even worse physically but this morning I'm thankful that spiritually I feel whole, right and awake! I was reading in God's word and He gave me this just now.....

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us! Romans 5:6-8 NIV

I love this, I see in this verse that I didn't have to be good enough for God to love me, that I've done NOTHING to deserve His free gift. I've been justified by HIS blood and saved from God's wrath through HIS Son! I was powerless before, but through Jesus Christ I am righteous and powerful!

This wasn't something that I didn't know before, just something that I needed reminded of. Thanks Lord, I needed to hear this, this sleepless morn! I thought that maybe you did too?!

Ironic

2010-01-14T01:49:00.000-05:00

My life is so like Alanis Morissette's song Ironic.

I really wanted to go back to school this semester. Really bad.

I was approved for a full Pell grant and it wouldn't have costed me a dime.

I needed to take the college entrance test and they only had two dates set up before classes began.

I was going to take the first one but got the puking virus and couldn't go.

I WENT to take the second one and the class filled up, it was a first come first serve test that started at 9:00 am Saturday morning.

Sigh.

I got there at 5 til, they turned away maybe 5 people in front of my and at least that after me.

I was told that if I had financial aid to insist they have another testing Monday.

It was almost 6:00pm Monday evening before they returned my call.

When they finally did, I was told there was a problem with my financial aid, and that by the time they could work it out, and get me tested I'd be a full week behind in classes.

Being a first time student there I was advised to wait until the next semester.

UGH.

I hate feeling like my fate is stacked against me. Sometimes I think it doesn't matter what I do, I'll never succeed or get ahead. I live a life of Murphy's Law and it sickens me. My bread will always fall mayo side down. Always. I'll break my favorite cup or one of my kids will. I'll get a puking virus during first test times and be outnumbered during seconds. :)

I know, I know, it's all in how you look at it. Is the cup half empty or half full.

Lately though, its been bad. Anything that can go wrong has gone wrong.

Maybe I am a little depressed? Is it the freezing cold, the winter blues, or that I feel cursed???

I don't know.

I know that God is in control, even when I don't like the direction my life is taking. Maybe He sees something in my future that I can't and it's His blessing that I'm not in school this semester. It's just especially disheartening because it's taken me a few years to get up the courage to go back. I could have gone in the fall but chickened out. I finally get up the guts to GO and the door is closed.

Am I really looking forward to spring?

Heaven is still so sick. She is throwing up the Phenergan. Keep her in your prayers.

I'm okay, I just needed to vent. I love that I can come here and be honest, even when it isn't pretty.

:) I'll get things straight for next semester. I'm looking up, I promise!

Tired

2010-01-11T02:15:00.000-05:00

I've been so tired lately. We've slowed way down on doing things. Christmas Eve Heaven and Matt were in a horrible car accident. They are fine, so I'll leave it at that for now. It was the other guys fault, totaled her car but they and the baby are fine.

She is 15 weeks and 1 day. She felt the baby yesterday!

I'm trying to get into the local community college. It's been a pain in the rear. The financial aid is there but their test classes have been full. I'm going in the morning to beg some mercy as classes start tomorrow. Sigh

I'll let you know how it goes. Good night.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-23T02:10:00.002-05:00

Below are a few of our before Christmas pictures. I hope and pray that all of you have a very Merry Christmas!

Introvert?

2009-12-16T14:19:00.000-05:00

Maybe I am an introvert. Hmmmm I've never really thought about it having a name. I'll have to look a little more into that.

Things did go well, Tony ended up canceling the Saturday night gig because we did, after all, have to bake three turkeys for the banquet. :)

Friday I helped him get ready to go to the school, but couldn't go, because we realized that the kids knew me, and I'd be a dead give away to who HE really was!

Sky's party went really well, I can't believe my middle baby is 14! Where does time go?

The banquet was fabulous and I had a great time. I've just not felt real well, I think I'm getting a cold and I've been sportin a sinus headache for far too long. I'm laying back on the couch now as I type thanking the Lord that we are on a Christmas break and NOT having to do school.

Heaven is 11 weeks and 4 days and still sick as a dog. Last night she called crying because she couldn't stop vomiting. Everything she'd eaten since breakfast yesterday came right back up. We get to hear the babies heartbeat the next visit in January.

Are you ready for Christmas? I am. I can't wait. I'm very excited. The only thing missing is the snow!

Let it Snow! Let is Snow! Let it Snow!

How are all of you? I continue to pray that the Lord open the wombs of those of you still in waiting and that He keep His hand upon all of you who are expecting. Hugs to all my infertility friends this holiday season.

Winter Blues? Self Diagnosis...

2009-12-09T09:29:00.007-05:00

Winter Blues? Or is it depression? Care to help me?

I'm not sure what it is I'm going through, if it even has a name, or if it should have a name. I don't necessarily think so. I feel fine, I love the winter time, the cold, and being a stay at home mom. I like not leaving my house for days on end. I like cooking, baking, laying back, watching movies and enjoying a season that is so easy to be lazy in. I have no problems with it all.

The problem?

It seems that others don't feel the same way. I believe to other people signs of not wanting to have to go and do things and stay home are signs of depression.

My hubby is a very social man, he loves pleasing people and doing social events. He has a Santa suite and my, oh my, he makes a very gorgeous Santa. He hasn't had many gigs this winter but has two this weekend. Friday he goes to a preschool program and Saturday night is a church visitation.

Friday is also Sky's birthday party and Sunday is our church's Christmas dinner. We were asked to head up the Christmas dinner, which basically isn't a lot. Just fixing menu's and getting the members to sign up. Then of course that night we have to make sure things are going as they should and people are doing what they should. Just over seeing things.

It is cold outside and they are calling for a wintry mix Saturday night.

The problem?

I'm dreading the whole thing. Every single bit of it. Me, I want to stay home, in my warm house and snuggle with my family. I soooo wish we didn't have a single plan this weekend. To me, it feels like a HUGE load. It feels like SO much we have to do.

I voiced this to my hubby this morning and he doesn't understand. I can't help that I feel the way I do. I don't necessarily want to feel this way. The reason I wish that I felt different is to please my husband. Still, I just want to stay home. BUT I can't because the guilt would consume me. I would feel so guilty for not going and helping.

By talking to my husband about how I feel though has put some sort of burden on him. He now feels bad that he has asked me to help out because he now knows how badly I don't want to go.

This wasn't my intention. I was just talking it out, I was hoping he'd....console me? Talk me through it? I don't know what I was thinking but I wish I'd of kept it to myself. He doesn't understand at all and he thinks I can just choose to WANT to go. That I could just look at it differently.

I never said I wouldn't go. I just said I DREAD it.

I feel so overwhelmed.

I really do dread it.

Not just one day but the entire weekend.

I hate the thought of having to do something every day. Not having just one single day that I don't have to leave the house and go out in the cold. That isn't completely true. I'm leaving something out. Even if I had one day it wouldn't change the dread. The real point I suppose, is that I don't want to have to get out in the cold or go into the crowds around all the people. Knowing I'm commitmed makes me angry because I feel like I HAVE to go or I'll be disappointing people, especially my husband. So it feels like a weight on my shoulders. Like I have no choice.

It'll lift when it's over and the next time I'm asked to do something I'll most likely say no for a long while.

Where I struggle is trying to determine if I'm depressed or if I'm normal.

Then I wonder what normal really is. Sometimes I think the world is crazy for feeling like it has to be in this social state of busy all the time. Whatever happened to family time? Why does everyone feel like they have to be DOING something in order to feel like the are accomplishing something or doing something with their life? For me, being a stay at home mom and homeschooling my girls is more than enough.

My hubby would say, we never do anything. That these busy weekends are few and far between and he is right. Every weekend isn't like this. And there are times when they are and I do enjoy them. But right now, the thoughts of this weekend make me almost mad, because I don't feel like doing it but I'm committed.

Then I feel horrible because it's hurt my husband. He doesn't understand how I feel and to him it feels personal. It's not, I assure you. I love him so much. We are just so different. I hate the struggle and the distance it seems to put between us.

When I talked to him this morning I honestly didn't realize how it would make him feel. I didn't plan the conversation or contemplate the outcome. I was just talking to him about how I felt.

When he shared how it made him feel it upset me because THAT was NOT what I was INTENDING. It has nothing to do with him directly. The reason I go anyway is BECAUSE I love him and want to make him happy. But now, all he sees is how miserable I'll be doing it, and as far as he's concerned I can stay home and he'll find someone else to go.

Situations like this suck.

Opinions?

I have to add this part. The phone just rang and I didn't recognize the number. It was one of Tony's friends and he had gotten another deer. He doesn't eat the deer he kills so he always calls us and we pick it up, clean it, cut it and can it. Or take it to have it processed. If we clean it ourselves it takes at least a day, we get it cut up and have to soak it over night sometimes two before canning. I usually go on the mountain to his mom's and spend the night and can. Most of the time I get 14 quarts of meat.

You would think if I were depressed that this call would have added to the overwhelming feeling that I have about the above events but it didn't. The thought that I might actually get to go and do something productive for my family and NOT have to do the above things removes the guilt I'd feel for not going. I actually got excited about it.

So, in hindsight, wouldn't you think it sounds more like an anxiety instead of a depression?

Resting

2009-11-29T01:33:00.000-05:00

I'm so tired! Things with Heaven are great. No more spotting praise God! She is 9 weeks today. Can you believe that? I can't. Time seems to be flying by.

The next doctor's appointment is Friday but I think I'll have to change it Monday for Heaven because she has some school work to do that day.

We had a blessed Thanksgiving and I'm praying that each of you did also.

I just wanted to check in since it'd been a while.

Hugs to you all!

We are home from the Doctor!

2009-11-13T17:49:00.000-05:00

We got to see the baby and the heartbeat! Heaven and the baby are great! More great news too! She does only have one cervix BUT her cervix covers both uteri and she can carry a baby in each womb successfully!

PRAISE GOD! HALLELUJAH! FATHER GOD I PRAISE YOUR HOLY NAME!

What a mighty God we serve! He answered our prayers! They believe the small amount of spotting is coming from the right uterus. Because she is pregnant in the left uterus the right uterus that doesn't have a babe in it is acting like there is a baby in it. That uterus has no way of knowing there is a second uterus and that the babe is inside of it.

I'm SOOO happy!!!!!!!!

She is 6 weeks and 6 days and will be 7 weeks tomorrow. Her due date is July 3rd, 2010.

A hearty thank-you to all of you faithful prayer warriors!

Wooohoooo

The Days are Dragging By

2009-11-10T18:55:00.004-05:00

I know it feels that way because I'm anticipating Friday. It's cold and raining here, gloomy I'd say.

Even so, listen to this mornings scripture:

“God's voice thunders in marvelous ways; he does great things beyond our understanding. He says to the snow, 'Fall on the earth,' and to the rain shower, 'Be a mighty downpour.”-Job 37:5-6

How beautiful is that?! Makes a gloomy day feel blessed. :)

I thought I'd take a second to check in to sort of make things feel like they were passing by faster. Did it work? LOL

Heaven didn't spot for two days and then this evening she spotted again.

Three more days until we see the doctor again!

Thanks for continuing to pray for Heaven and her baby.

Just Checking In

2009-11-08T14:23:00.000-05:00

No news really, Heaven stopped spotting for several days and then started again. Once it was heavier, but then it quit.

Last night we had a Youth Rally and all the pastors gathered around Heaven and we all prayed over her. I'm trusting God to take care of this baby. He created him/her and He knew him/her before He knit him/her in Heaven's womb. He knows what is best.

It's taken me a bit to come to this peace of mind but I know He is God no matter what. I continue to speak life over Heaven and her womb and I will give God all the glory over this child's life.

Thank-you for your continued prayers.

Doctor's appointment is this Friday.

Hugs to you all. You have no idea how much you each mean to me.

Limbo

2009-11-04T18:47:00.003-05:00

Okay I'm finally home.

So far so good!

They compared her sonogram to her blood work and both are saying 5 weeks. The doctor says it is very probable that she is just not as far long as they thought. He explained that all women ovulate at different times each month and its highly possible she ovulated late which would put her at 5 weeks instead of 8.

She has NOT spotted today. She only spotted once yesterday evening.

The plan is to return next Friday and they are going to do more blood work to check her HSG levels and they are going to do another sonogram to compare to the blood work. This will show if things are progressing in a timely manner or not. So praise God!

Thank-you all for praying us through thus far!

So we are in for another week of waiting.

They found something else.

When they did her sonogram they discovered that she has two full uteruses. Her ovaries are normal, only two. Next week he is going to examine her to check for two cervixes. I've never heard of this before in my entire life. The doctor says that this happens in every 150 women. I surely wouldn't think it's that common. Maybe I misunderstood the number. She is pregnant in the left uterus. Two different nurses we spoke with today knew women with two uteruses and both had had two babies at once, one of the women had had two babies twice. They do not call this twins because they are in different uterus's. Have any of you ever heard of this?

The doctor says that this will not cause complications with her pregnancy, nor do women with this have a higher chance of miscarriage so there is no need for concern. It just strikes me as very odd.

Thoughts?

Editing:

I've been reading and found different statistics.

1 in 2500 and 1 in 1000.

I've read that because she has two they aren't as big as one. This means that even though there is one baby she'd carry it as though it were twins, having only half the room. There seems to be a high rate of preterm labor due to lack of room. There are also many that carry full term.

If we discover there are in fact duplicate cervixes then there will always be a possibility of her conceiving in both uteruses.

Miscarriage rates seem to be the same for women with double uteruses as they are in women without, you just never know. They were higher in women who had a second uterus with no cervix, due to the egg planting in the wrong uterus.

Without a cervix it can't survive.

We will definitely have more questions next week when we return.

From what I read, she'll be considered high risk with a higher risk of c-section.

The doctor brushed it off as though it were nothing. He did say he'd be looking for the duplicate cervix next week.

Definitely keep her covered in prayer.

Bad Speculations

2009-11-03T20:17:00.000-05:00

I never should have thought all that out loud as nothing could be further from what is happening.

Her HCG was 5565 and the nurse said that this is normal for someone who is in the range of 3-4 weeks pregnant. They did NOT check her progesterone.

I looked online and HCG levels of 5500 were normal for pregnancies anywhere between week 3 to week 7. From what I read they varied a lot.

The nurse still assures me that everything is fine and that the sonogram coupled with the blood work is what will inform them of whats going on.

I'm a little more at peace tonight than I was today.

I broke down crying on the phone with the nurse.

I didn't realize how I was bottling up this fear until that moment. I'm so glad that Heaven was at school and not here to see me. I'm so glad that I broke down today and not tomorrow. I don't want Heaven to see my concerns.

She is blissfully happy.

So now I know two things.

She is NOT further along as we had hoped for.

She is NOT pregnant with twins.

Today her spotting stopped. None this morning, none this afternoon, but then it came again tonight. Just a wee little bit, really dark brown.

The nurse says this is a really good thing. She talked with me for a long time today. She was so comforting to me.

I pray my baby girl and her baby are fine. Just fine.

It helps to come here and share. When I started this blog it was for me to voice my anger and feelings over my own infertility. I never dreamed that it would become a place for me to come about other things. Especially not like this, but nevertheless, I am thankful for it and for each of you. You have no idea the peace it brings to know you all are out there and that you are praying for my daughter and grandbaby. I wish I could hug each one of you.

I'll be back tomorrow evening.

Speculating-bear with me

2009-11-03T12:46:00.002-05:00

I've been replaying the nurse's words over and over in my head.

I knew we needed high HCG levels and low levels could mean the worst case scenerio. So in my mind I'm thinking HIGH numbers.

Right?

Well the nurse said this. "Her levels are HIGH, HIGH, HIGH."

Dummy me, I didn't think to ask WHAT levels were high and what the exact numbers were. I'm on total new ground in this area.

Did they test her progesterone when they test her HCG?

So I go and do a search on HIGH HCG levels, which I probably shouldn't be doing at this point because that just gives me more to be concerned about. AND I don't know WHAT her levels are.

There are three possibilities with HIGH HCG levels.

The most logical one is that Heaven is further along that we expected. Which from the previous post I'm sure you can see how this could be possible. The difference between 8 weeks and 14 is HUGE.

This is what I did. Her last known period was Sept. 10.

It was 18 days late.

I counted back 18 days for the date her period would have been due, had it been on time, and that was August 24th.

I went back one month to figure out what her last period would have been and that gives me July 24th.

I counted forward from July 24th and that gave me 13 weeks. (14 weeks on Friday)

That is a BIG difference from September 10th, which would put her at 8 weeks on Thursday.

The second reason I found was multiple births.

The third reason I found, is the one I wish I'd never read.

Something called a Molar Pregnancy.

Honestly I shouldn't be do any of this. It just makes me crazier. I need to go and pray.

The doctor will be in after 1. So hopefully I'll have the totals soon and I'll update again.

Heaven's Update

2009-11-03T09:18:00.000-05:00

Okay, yesterday we went in to the doctor. Since it's Heaven's first visit they refused to see her. We didn't have an appointment we just showed up. Her appointment isn't until the 12th. I was persistent. They finally had the nurse go and talk to the doctor. This is the same doctor that delivered Sky and Meadow for me. I love them. They are very good.

After speaking with the doctor the nurse came out and told us that this is very normal. I stopped her right there. "No, I'm 38 years old and I've never heard of this before in my entire life"...(well, except on my blog!) She said, "I'm being honest, it happens. We believe everything is fine BUT just to be on the safe side we are sending her for blood work today and depending on the results, we may be sending her again in 48 hours."

In talking more in-depth with Heaven I discovered a weird thing. Her last period in September was 18 days late.

She took five pregnancy test.

3 invalid

1 negative

1 positive

This will throw more into the mix if we discover she is further along than we originally thought.

She can't remember her period that month when she did get it. That is aggravating to me. She can't remember if her period was normal, light ect... just that she wrote down that her period started on September 10th.

On the positive end, her pregnancy signs are increasing. She is getting heavy nausea both when she does eat and when she does not. She is constipated and has numerous other signs. These are good things!

She is still spotting, dark brown again, a tiny amount. The size of a dime and sometimes a quarter. She is not cramping.

I did not experience this, ever, with my pregnancies. I only experienced the light pink tinge of implantation. I have read that Heaven's type of spotting happens in 25 percent of women. Of the 25 percent, half of the pregnancies are normal. I'm praying Heaven will fall in THAT percentage.

I speak life over Heaven's womb and ask the Lord to save the life of this unborn child. In Jesus Christ' mighty name.

So please continue your prayers.

Update

The doctor's office just called. They apologized for not being able to call us yesterday with the results. It was hard waiting. Her blood work came back great! I'm so glad! They have scheduled an ultrasound tomorrow at 12:45. The nurse said they would compare the sonogram to the blood work and that if things didn't match up they would order more blood work.

If you feel led, please go into intercession for this baby!

Thank-you SOOOO much!

I'll update again tomorrow!

Please pray

2009-11-01T23:13:00.002-05:00

Heaven is still spotting.

She has been spotting dark brown the size of a quarter 3 times a day for 6 days. Tonight it went from brown to light pink, but only the size of a dime. When she wiped it was on the tp once but then clean.

I'm trying so hard not to be rattled.

I'm rattled.

I'm taking her to the doctor without calling and I'm going to insist they see her in the morning. So far they just say everything is fine and to wait. Sigh...waiting is hard.

If you all would cover her in prayer I would so appreciate it!

Thank-you so much.

What a scare

2009-10-28T18:34:00.004-05:00

I went over to my son in law's with my dad and the girls last night to help paint the nursery. I know it's a bit early but Heaven is so excited! She choose yellow and its really pretty. After the painting was done we all sat down to watch Biggest Loser. They have a dvr and had recorded last weeks and this weeks so we watched them both back to back.

Did I tell you I love that show?

The phone rings and its Heaven calling from work. She had started spotting and was scared. I tried to get her to come home but she only had another hour. She said it was dark and that it had stopped. I remember spotting a light tinge color with the girls but not as much as she was describing.

She came home and we talked until 1 am.

I got the girls home and in bed by 1:30 am.

I had Heaven call her family doctor this morning. (She doesn't have an OBGYN yet.) She explained what had happened. The doctor told her she felt she was fine but that if she started bleeding bright red to go to the ER. The doctor also took her out of work for the next week so Heaven does not have to finish her two week notice. I really think that pulling and lifting the elderly was too hard for her. Too much strain. I was so relieved that the doctor took her out. I was so uneasy about her working during this early time. She is under too much stress and has to go to school tomorrow all day.

I'm hoping now that she is going to be able to get some much needed rest. I took her out to lunch today, to pick up her doctor's excuse and then to work to drop it off.

If you think of us please keep her in your prayers. She will be going to the doctor soon. She still has some information to get to the insurance company first and she is really early. I'm thinking 5 or 6 weeks.

Thanks and God bless you!

Changed My Mind

2009-10-25T21:15:00.002-05:00

I did decide to go ahead and start another blog just for my weight loss. I'll still post a weigh in here and try to update on me and Heaven and how things are going. I don't want to let The Red Stain die but I don't know how much infertility related things I'll be posting.

I can say that this month I ovulated hard. I cramped extra hard during the time I was passing the stringy cervical fluid. Dh and I did not umm.....have relations during this time. In one sense I'm almost afraid to chance getting pregnant. I know that sounds absolutely crazy, even to me. It's just how I'm feeling right now.

Tony has been on extra short time and we're struggling a little more now than ever before. Mostly due to the credit card bill I ran up trying to conceive. I know the Lord will see us through but I almost feel guilty at times. Then I remember, if I hadn't of done it, I'd always wonder if there was a problem or something wrong with me so I let it go. What is done is done and during the season I was in it was the best thing at that time.

So I'll keep updating things like this. :) I love seeing what God is doing in so many of your lives and knowing that He has something awesome planned for others. With God, you never know when, but He is awesome and mighty and He always comes through.

Even if its in ways we'd never expected.

Weigh In #1

2009-10-23T20:02:00.003-05:00

I'm exhausted and haven't been home long so this is going to be short.

Starting weight was 195

Eleven days in weigh in for week 1 is 188

Total loss is 7 pounds for me. I was happy!

Tony began in August at 385

He did the 21 day Daniel fast in September and then began Atkins with me. His weigh in today was:

259

He is down 26 pounds since September 1st! I'm so proud of him.

Life is Full of Surprises

2009-10-20T15:05:00.013-05:00

My oldest daughter Heaven is a CNA and working full time at the nursing home here and enrolled in college full time hoping to be accepted into the RN program somewhere in the next year or two. She is not use to the full load and it has been a very stressful year for her. Being engaged, planning her wedding, getting married in May, taking state board exams in August, then moving on to a full time job and college full time-well, that is a plate full. Needless to say there have been many tears shed lately. She calls me often and it really breaks my heart to hear her distress. I'm so use to being able to comfort and soothe her and now I find myself in the position that I have to NOT cuddle her but say, "You can do this, it is NOT too hard, hang in there, it won't be for long."

Last night she came here after work, she works second shift and it was almost midnight. I was still up, on the computer and on the phone and it scared me when she came through the door in tears. I jumped up and greeted her, she kept trying to hug me but she was crying so hard that I wanted to stand back and assess the situation. I didn't mean not to comfort her, I kept telling her to calm down, but she kept saying she couldn't. It took some time, she told me about her horrible night at work and how she felt like everyone just took advantage of her all the time. She is a helper and she goes out her way to help others and she cares about the elderly at the nursing home and the little old people love her...so she does spend extra time there and it would be nice in a perfect world if others were like her and returned the help but they don't. They'll call on her for help and then abandon her when she goes to do her hall. So she clocks out 30 minutes later than everyone else and has to be at school before 8:oo am.

She has been here at my house doing homework some nights as late as 3:oo am. and then have to go to bed, get up and be at school before 8. I know she is tired. I know this is a hard season for her.

I've been a little concerned over her sadness lately. I hate to see her so stressed and sad. Last night, she just couldn't calm down and I began having a thought....just wondering....if maybe....there was a chance....that she may be.....well.....

you know........

pregnant?

"No mom! There is no way I could be pregnant. My periods are messed up and, and, and, and"

Heaven, how late are you?

"Nine or ten days but, but, but, last month I was 18 days late and I wasn't pregnant, my periods are messed up."

Heaven, I have some pregnancies test in the bathroom, will you take one if I get it out?

Between sobs she replied,"O, O, Okay."

The whole time she was peeing in the cup, she continuing to sob. I took the cup and dipped the stick and held it the entire time. She is now through short sucked in breaths telling me that she has a urinary tract infection and that she's had it for a week but hadn't wanted to go to the doctor. Never paying the least bit of attention to the test.

It's one of those that reads pregnant or not pregnant, remember my post on those? I'm watching this little ticker in the window and all of a sudden it pops up:

PREGNANT

She has the snubs and she is still telling me about her incredibly bad week and I'm trying to speak to her and finally had to yell, "Heaven, Heaven! You are pregnant! You are pregnant!"

Stunned silence.

"What?"

Look here, sweetheart, calm down and read the test. It says pregnant.

"It says what? It says I'm pregnant?"

Screams finally escape the tears and then we proceed to wake up everyone in our house and call everyone we know. It was close to 1:oo am but somehow the time didn't seem to matter. Finally, I was able to soothe her, hold her and comfort her.

Today we went to the doctor's office to rule out a urinary tract infection and get confirmation on her pregnancy and we did.

WOW, I'm going to be a grandmother at 38 years old. I'm still in shock.

My baby is going to have a baby.

I'm ecstatic.

We went to lunch and I ate some broiled seafood and a salad. Then we took a trip over to K-Mart to look at baby clothes and they had some onesies in packs that were buy one get one free, so I picked up two pink packets for a girl. I have been buying boy clothes in faith (for me) over the years so I have quite a collection of blankets and clothes for boys. I actually had sent those home with her a few months ago when the Lord gave me peace over not having any more children. ;)

On the way home she was talking about getting fat while I was trying to get skinny and us being on opposite ends of the pole.

'Oh please, Heaven, you are young I'm almost 40, you need to be praying for your daddy and me because this diet is HARD. Do you want to know how hard it is for me? Well, when I was standing in K-Mart back there in line waiting to pay for the babies clothes I could smell the sugar. I looked around to see the candy I was smelling and it wasn't even candy I would normally eat but the smell. As I enhaled the ever so sweet smell of sugar my mouth began to salivate and my stomach began to growl. Those are true signs of addiction to sugar. It's like being a vampire and smelling blood. It took everything I had to ignore the little voice in my head telling me it was okay, to go ahead and eat the sugar, it wouldn't hurt me.....'

"Sheesh Mom! Are you okay?"

Yes, I'm fine, but withdrawals from sugar are no pic nic in the park. This is hard stuff.

"Sounds like it mom, vampires smelling blood....."

ROFLOL~

I'm not kidding Heaven-it's hard, that hard for me.

So, anywho........ I'm going to be a grandmother.

Trying Again

2009-10-19T18:47:00.004-05:00

I'm once again going to attempt to take off this weight that I've gained in the last 8 years since having my sweet Meadow.

You thought I was going to say I was trying something else...........................didn't you?

Sorry!

I seriously gave a lot of thought to creating a blog just for that because in one sense it has nothing to do with infertilityl, BUT due to the fact that I already have three quite active blogs I simply couldn't justify it. AND many of those who struggle with infertility are asked to shed some pounds. I've been reading the blog All You Who Hope for a long while now and she is very inspiring to me. She was told she needed to lose and she did, she never faltered. She set her mind to it and she did it. I'm so proud of her.

The next thing is to figure out how. What do I want to do to lose weight?

I've decided, once again, I know...I know... but- I've decided to do Atkins, extreme low carb, induction phase at 20 carbs a day. I started this actually on October 13th weighing in at an incredible 195 pounds. I've weaned myself back to drinking water and I'm almost caffeine free. I have had to have a cup of coffee or 1/2 a can of Diet Mt. Dew to keep the headaches away. There was no way I was going to suffer that 7 day withdrawal headache again. Every day that the headache came I would drink something and within 20 minutes the headache was gone. Crazy isn't it?

For those of you who read here you know that earlier this year I started a weight loss process and I was successful for 12 weeks and lost down to 178 pounds for a total of a 20 pound loss. I've gained almost all of that back just shy of 4 pounds.

I had been feeling the Lord nudge me to do something about my weight for a while. I would sort of push it back in my mind and think to myself, "Another time." The biggest reason for that is my failure rate. I start and stop, I lose then gain, like a yo yo. Remember?

Lately I've been spending a lot of time remembering. Remembering back to when I did lose weight and how good I felt about myself. How I came out of my shell and had this sheer joy and confidence. I even remembered words that I had spoken, such as, "Now that I actually know what its like to be little and feel so good I'll NEVER ever allow myself to be heavy again." In one way those words have sort of haunted me. I look at myself and I know that losing weight is not impossible for me. I know it's not unattainable.

I can do it.

If I only will.

So finally I just got to this place and felt like I HAD to do it and that I HAD to do it now. I'm very thankful that so far it has not been hard or a struggle for me at all. Watching the Biggest Loser is VERY helpful to me too. I asked my husband to do this diet with me. I started on Tuesday and by Saturday morning he agreed to come on board! I was so excited! It is so much easier to do this together than it is to do this separately! He needs it too, just as much as I do. I'm praying that this will be something that we can be successful in together.

I currently do not have a scales. I weighed my starting weigh at my mother in laws and I've ordered a scale online and it's been shipped. Now I'm just waiting on it to arrive. :) So I'll start my weigh in post this Friday IF the scale is here. It'll be week one for me and my husband. I'll be a few days over and he'll be one day shy! I want us to weigh in together once a week and NOT daily. I know for me, weighing in daily can be disheartening.

Well-for now that is it.

(I also learned a lot about the Low GI Diet from All You Who Hope. I have ordered that book and cookbook because I know that I cannot live on Atkins forever and I want to have a fall back plan. I do NOT want to go back to doing NOTHING.)

It Came Today

2009-10-08T10:51:00.003-05:00

FInally, another one of those late months.

A 32 day cycle.

All in all it was an okay month, I was irritable this week and I was hoping the stain would come sooner. I have a ALL day field trip planned for tomorrow and it'll be a bit more difficult for me on my heaviest day. I've been looking forward to this trip to the science museum for a while now. Tomorrow it'll probably be crowded because everything is free and I'm sure everyone will talk advantage of that, just like we are.

I am planning to go on another field trip with the whole family (I hope) to see a life size replica of the Tabernacle. I've been reading and studying on this for a little over a year or so. I read a wonderful book called The Fleshing Floor by Juanita Bynum and it included so many details and scripture and why the Tabernacle was built. Very powerful and moving book. I've been intrigued about the Tabernacle since then. Next year Sky will studying the Tabernacle as part of her Bible in My Father's World and we will be building a small replica of the Tabernacle here. How amazed I was when I discovered that there was an actual life size replica close to us for a small amount of time, October 16th through the 25th. I'll definitely share about it if we get to go.

We are having a great homeschool year so far. I've been up at 7 everyday this week. I'm so proud of me! It's very hard for me to go to sleep at night even getting up early. I pray it'll come more natural to me as I go on. We are finishing school really early during the days and having plenty of time for chores.

Well, I just wanted to update a little. Praying all is well everyone.

Bunny Adventures-Part 2

2009-10-02T15:22:00.002-05:00

After Tuesday I was almost hesitant to go to see more bunnies but we were on a mission....so I found what looked to be a wonderful Rabbitry only an hour and a half away. It turned out to be a G-R-E-A-T rabbitry. This lady was so nice to me through e-mail and was willing to work us in last minute. She had a huge barn that she kept all her bunnies in and the only bunny she breeds is the Holland Lop.

Brenda introduced herself and shook my hand and I was thinking, "Praise God, this feels good." Brenda showed us around her barn and shared with us a wealth of information on Holland Lops. I was so excited. She put her Grand Champions up on blocks and showed us what the judges would look for if we decided to show our bunnies. She showed us differences in the bunnies, how one had this better or one had that better. The thing that excited me the most was that even if she pointed out what a judge would consider a fault, I couldn't see it. Her pet bunnies were show bunnies and I'm NOT kidding.

She proceeded to show me little kits that were only four hours old, 7 days old and then 14 days old. (Don't you know I forgot my camera and didn't get pictures of this wonderful experience!) This was truly an educational field trip on bunnies. Exactly what I'd been hoping for.

Brenda showed me Lops that were so friendly and some that were more shy. I learned that the boys were absolute lovey doveys and that my thoughts of having all girls was silly. The bunnies that I did finally end up getting have pedigrees and Grand Champion bloodlines. Not that that will matter, I really don't know that the girls and I will show our bunnies but you just never know. I'm going to continue studying it this winter.

Meadow decided on a buck that is 12 weeks old. We had a hard time choosing a name but finally all decided on Frodo. Here he is.

Meadow holding Frodo like a baby, notice how friendly he is.

I love the beautiful color of these Holland Lops, it is called broken tortoise.

Here is Frodo on the carpet.

Sky decided on a sweet doe that is 16 weeks old. I know looking at these pictures its very hard to tell them apart. They really do look so much alike. Sky named hers Bella. Bella doesn't like to be held as much as Frodo, she prefers to have her freedom and hop around the house! We are giving Bella a two week trial, and in two weeks if Brenda calls and has this other buck ready we may take her back and exchange her. Bucks are just friendlier and it would save me the worries of them ever breeding....which we would breed some beautiful Holland Lops if I decided to go that route, but we really were just looking for pets. I could get both bucks fixed and they'd live in perfect harmony. :) We shall see.

Bella, hopping in front of the piano.

Bella, facing me.
The butterfly shaped coloring on her nose is higher than Frodo's and the color is darker. I'll be posting more pictures of them soon.

Tony finally got one of the cages together today, so we've moved them over into it. I did have them in a dog cage but there is no wire for the poopies to drop through. We are going to set up the big cage as a play area for them a change of scenery and exercise. I am so glad that we went with the Holland Lops. They really are a friendly, furry and hearty breed. I just love bunnies! I praise God for a happy ending!

Bunny Adventures-Part 1

2009-10-01T23:11:00.001-05:00

Boy has it been a long week.

The girls decided a while back that they wanted bunnies but with getting the lovebirds and being as busy as we've been I was just taking my time and studying the breed we wanted.

Meadow really wanted a Netherland Dwarf or a Hotot. Have you ever seen a Hotot? They are a beautiful solid white dwarf breed with a black circle around their eyes that looks like eyeliner. They are known as *Fancy Eyes*.

Well I had searched and searched online and had finally found what I thought was a good breeder about 2 1/2 hours away. We went through her web site and seen what was available, I e-mailed the breeder and talked with her on the phone and decided to make the trip up there.

Were we so disappointed. Meadow went right in and found the bunny she'd seen online that said it was available. "Here she is mommy, here is the one I want!" The lady said, I don't believe she is available. Meadow said, "She was on the web site." The lady picked one rabbit out of two different litters and told Meadow she could choose from them. We took one look at them and knew why she was selling them. They were not near as pretty and were over twice the size.

Now, I do understand that breeders keep the show animals and why they do this but to advertise a show bunny and try to swap out pet animals-some with severe conditions is deception.

We left not buying a bunny.

Meadow cried her heart out.

On our way home I passed a sign that said, "Dwarf Rabbits". So we pulled in. They had two tiny (and I mean tiny) white Netherland Dwarf bunnies. Meadow fell in love with the girl and they were only $25 so after all we'd been through I caved and bought her.

Meadow named her Lulu.

We got home at 6:45 pm, she was a small fragile, very pretty bunny. I could tell her ears were way to long for a Netherland but that was okay. We wanted to love her and give her a home. At 9:00 pm she started shaking and died within minutes on my tummy. It was a very horrible, traumatic experience. Meadow cried her heart out again and slept with Tony and I.

Meadow wanted to give Lulu a funeral and bury her. I called the Pet Store but the man refused to allow that and give me credit for what I'd paid for her. I had to box her and take her back to the store.

Here she is:

Lulu

There is more to our bunny adventures and I'll share them a little later, tonight I'm exhausted and I don't to write too long of a post on here. Stay tuned for Part-2.

Rest in Peace Lulu

Today was my Birthday

2009-09-28T23:43:00.002-05:00

I turned 38. I had a good day, my bird cage came in (I have lots of pets for the girls and our homeschool journey that I post on our homeschool blog) and their playground. I just LOVE the cage. I may post a picture for you guys along with a picture of my lovebirds. They are beautiful, I'll be hand feeding the babies birdies soon, every 4 hours around the clock for a few weeks. Talk about mothering instincts! LOL

Tomorrow we are visiting a Rabbitry for a field trip and the girls are looking at getting a Holland Lop and a Dwarf Hotot. We've been studying them for a few weeks. I'm excited.

A hamster..

Two Guinea Pigs...

Lovebirds....

Two Dogs....A Westie and a Shih Tzu

and now two bunnies.

I'd say my quiver is getting close to full, wouldn't you?

I'm in His presence

2009-09-21T01:46:00.003-05:00

As much as possible I just bathe in Him. I want Him to consume me. I love the song that plays first on my playlist. I'm trying to imagine feeling God's heart beat. Wow. He is so awesome, so amazing, so much bigger, larger than anything my little mind could possibly ever imagine. One day, every knee will bow. I love You Father, I love You Jesus, I love You Holy Spirit. I thank You for this beautiful life that You have blessed me with. I give You all the praise, all the honor and all the glory. Hallelujah!

Have a moment? Worship with Me Please....

2009-09-02T00:06:00.001-05:00

Stop the Abortion Mandate

2009-08-26T15:44:00.003-05:00

Tired

2009-08-24T22:34:00.002-05:00

I've been so down, so tired and so busy. Nothing is infertility related (in my mind anyway), although my cycle this month has been very weird...spotting through the last two weeks. So I imagine this is why my hormones and mood swings are so up and down. I so do not like the down. I've been weak and I appear so unhappy, I'm not unhappy, I just don't feel good and no one understand this not even me. I'm having bouts of insomnia.

If you could, would you lift me up in prayer if you think of me please? Thanks

The Red Stain

2009-08-08T23:19:00.000-05:00

I almost forgot, it came early this morning. It made for a day of suffering, but never has my suffering been so rewarding. I'm okay again. Good news, isn't it?

Back from a missions trip

2009-08-08T23:14:00.002-05:00

It was so wonderful. We've spent months gathering food to take to a desolate place in West Virginia to feed those less fortunate. It's been an awesome time as our church has drawn together, worked together for the glory of God and grown closer to one another.

Today as we handed out boxes of food we shared the gospel of Jesus Christ and how He died on the cross to save us from our sins. There were souls saved, there were seeds planted, there was much encouragement, word from our Lord, praise and worship and a wonderful time of fellowship.

Doors opened. Eyes opened. I'll talk about the doors later. This is special to me.

What a great time in the Lord. I love that Pastor is training us, that I am his protege. I love that I actually got to get out in field, over my fears, and share the love of Christ with strangers.

How long its been.

True missions.

I'm so looking forward to the next assignment from the Lord.

I'm so excited about what God is going to do in my life as well.

Continuing to pray for all of you, and as always, your prayers are appreciated as well.

Prayer Warriors

2009-07-29T20:32:00.002-05:00

Please pray for my friend, her mind is getting worse daily. Please stand in the gap with me for her. She is my age and has three children. Words cannot express how deep and serious this battle is. Thank-you all.

Visitors

2009-07-28T20:03:00.003-05:00

Please take the time to comment me.

Even if its just a hello....

Because hello, goes a long way.

I see some of you ------->

So why stop by and not say hello?

Thanks friends.......

Sunny days

2009-07-28T14:20:00.002-05:00

I love the hot and sunny days. We've been so busy lately (and still are) I feel I hardly have the time to slow down and enjoy them. We had a wonderful weekend full of the Lord, we went to services Friday night, worked with gathering food (for the upcoming missions trip we are going on) from Walmart on Saturday morning, cleaned the church, had drama practice, went to services Saturday night, Church Sunday morning, drama practice again and Tony preached an awesome message Sunday night, the girls and I also performed the drama we had been working on all week. It was an AWESOME time in God!

Looking back over my posts I see that the desire to have another child resurfaced. Which is fine with me as long as its peaceful, accepting....just allowing and not controlling me. I'm not thinking about it daily. I'm not upset if it doesn't happen. I trust my Father to make these decisions for me and I'm content with His choices.

I'm mostly disappointed in myself for being so upset about the situation that came up with my friend, because I feel that my emotions rattled me so that I couldn't really be there for her the way I needed to be, kwim?

I think my friend is finally accepting the fact that she has been scammed and has lost a great deal of money. Pray for her.

Going to head to the kitchen to begin dinner, steaks, new potatoes and cooked summer squash. Mmmm

6 years mile marker

2009-07-24T15:31:00.003-05:00

I noticed the day that I pitched my little fit, that the time that has lapsed since we REALLY started trying to conceive again had hit another milestone.

6 years.

Not how I had pictured things.

Is it possible to be content and a little sad at the same time?

I think it is.

Obedience is important to God.

I am truly content, but my heart is open.

I'll be 38 in September.

It isn't over yet.

While I feel that God has other things in store for me, and I've come to the place that I can see myself NOT having more children, there is always the little thought in the back of my mind that says, you never know.

And you know something?

You just never know.

;)

Feeling like Scum of the Earth

2009-07-23T21:13:00.004-05:00

Sheesh, what an emotional day of turmoil I had the other day. I feel bad just reading that post. I did edit one paragraph, I still feel like I should delete the whole thing but sometimes you can't do that. In real life you don't get to go back and delete the ugly, you only get to repent, the memory is left as a reminder of what the Lord brought you out of. So, that post will be a reminder of what I don't want to go back into. I don't want to be selfish, I don't want to NOT be able to celebrate life and miracles for those the Lord chooses to bless. Who am I to question God?

My friend is having such a hard time, she has been battling sickness for several years now, at one time was only 87 lbs. She truly is fighting for her life.

Yesterday I started making a few calls about this adoption thing myself. My friend had already sent in $200 and I didn't want to see them lose anymore. From every person that I have spoken with its a scam. I had my friend forward me the documents of abandonment and the decree of adoption that had been e-mailed to her. These e-mails contained the e-mail addresses that the person is using, the name they are using among other pieces of information. I contacted the Federal Trade Commission and I filed a report of scam and was able to forward these e-mail to them. Today when I called my friend to tell her what I had done, I discovered that she had sent them $250 more late last night. Today the man is claiming that he didn't receive the money.

I'm just sickened for them. Please pray for them, please pray that these scammers are caught so that they cannot victimize anyone else.

I feel like a heel.

Rising to the Surface

2009-07-21T13:34:00.011-05:00

I have had such peace over the last few months, bliss, peace, a wonderous feeling. The peace is there as long as I am in prayer or in the presence of God. When I come out and I start thinking, I sink. I'm binding my thoughts and doing all I can to crucify my flesh and line my thoughts up with God's word. I'm not discontent, I'm so happy with my life and all the Lord has blessed me with. How can I express what I am feeling and going through? Where are the words?

It happened out of the blue....the beginning of the fall I mean. Everything was fine, it was a day like all other days. Heaven had come over to help me clean Sky's room because she was away at camp. We were talking and laughing, really enjoying our day together. We found an old box that Sky was using for trash and we were emptying it piece by piece, you know, just in case something of value happened to have landed in it.

I reached into the box and I pulled out an old prescription bottle. I read it and it had my name on it. It was an old Clomid bottle. How in the world did that get in there? Of course it was empty because I had taken the medicine already. Somehow though, in that moment, I became mesmerized. I just read the label over and over and over and over. Frozen in a moment, not realizing I had traveled back in time with no awareness to where I was at that moment or what I was suppose to be doing.

"Mom?" "Mom?.." "M-O-M!"..... "What are you doing?" Heaven was trying to bring me back, I wasn't ready though, not yet. I wanted to stay where I was for a little while, I wanted to think, I wanted to remember, I wanted to feel what was deep inside of me.

No, I bound it up. I moved on.

We continued working.

Then Heaven found a bag, it was a beautiful African bag I had found at the airport last summer when Heaven was getting ready to leave on her month long missions trip in Africa. It was clearanced and it had shouted my name! So, I bought it. I didn't really need or know what I was buying it for, but for me, it symbolized Heaven, her faith and her trip, so I purchased it.

I was so longing for another child during that time, desperately seeking. So I decided to act in faith and begin buying clothes. Of course I wanted a son, so boy clothes it was. Crush velvety soft blankies with trains on them. Two, you know, for twins. If I was going to dream and have faith for something, it was going to be extrordinary. So as the months rolled by I'd add to my faith bag and it wasn't long before it was full. I had to start another bag and had it stored in my bedroom closet. I also had clothes hanging on the back of my bedroom door, I had purchased an abundance of faith clothes!

This African bag had made its way into Sky's room, into her closet. I had sort of forgotten about it, I mean, I knew I had it but it hadn't came to mind in a long long while. I had stopped adding to the collection some time back when I made the decision to STOP wrestling with the idea of having another child.

Here is was, just moments after seeing the Clomid bottle. Why was this happening to me? I'm so close to the Lord, so strong in Him, growing, working, serving, moving on and yet, here it is. What am I to do with it?

Overcome it...

I prayed, Lord help me, don't let me slip, don't let me fall back into that pit. Draw me near, safe in Your arms, where I am so satisfied, there is no pain or dreams that haven't come true. I need You. I need You right now so much.

Thank-You Father. Thank-You for hearing me.

Heaven asks me where in the world all of these gobs of baby boy clothes had come from.

I told her.

'Oh, mom, I had no idea, where do you want me to put them?'

Deep breath.

"Heaven, I want you to take them."

'O, mom I couldn't.'

"I want you to Heaven, I've come to terms with not having any more children and you just got married, you'll be having my grandchildren soon. It's okay, I'm okay, take them."

'Are you sure?'

"I'm sure."

So it was done, we put them in her car and I breathed a sigh of relief that it was over and I didn't have deal with it anymore. I'd done the right thing, felt most sure of it, as sure as sure can feel when you are 37 and have been trying to conceive for the last 6 plus years. AS sure as you can be when you aren't sure if wanting more children is selfish or logical, or if you can even afford them. As sure as you can be when you are afraid to have faith for something that may not be God's will and all you want more than anything, more than life itself, is to be in the perfect will of God.

I moved on, with a smile. We finished up and I put it all out of my mind.

Later that night I had settled down. I felt good.

Then the phone rang.

I have a friend that is struggling with a lot of sickness, not a little but a huge load. Physical and mental sickness and its hard. It's hard for them and its hard for me. My heart goes out to her. She has fought for her very life. Satan has attacked them from every direction, financially they are on the bottom. Her sickness has affected not only her but her husband and her three children and although the Lord is healing her, she has such a long way to go. It has been hard for me to watch because when someone is in a situation like this there is only so much you do. You can't step in and be a mother to the children, no matter how strongly you see the need. It's hard when you see someone suffering and you know some of the answers but they refuse to listen. Sometimes you feel like they are choosing to stay in it, but you have to remind yourself, the devil is the master of deceit. The best most powerful thing you can do it to pray. So I have prayed. I have intercessed. I have seen defeat but I have seen victory. I will continue to stand in the gap for this family. I love them.

I knew she was having test run and I was anxious to hear her results and how she was doing. She'd had a rough few days and I was concerned for her. She is my friend. A good friend, not just an acquaintance. I speak with her weekly, most of the times several times a week and there is little that we don't share with one another.

She asked me to pray for someone, I replied, 'Sure, who is it?' Well, she opened up and began pouring out this long story of a girl who had been raped and had a baby girl and she didn't want the baby because she reminded her of the rape. I don't know all the details of the story because this was the first I'd heard of it and I couldn't absorb it all. I caught bits and pieces, the girl had been in France in school but had traveled to Africa, had the baby prematurely and the African government wouldn't allow the baby to leave because it had African citizenship. She'd been talking to this girl for months and yet had never mentioned it to me. My head was swirling.

My friend and her husband had been approved as adoptive parents and were suppose to pay a refundable insurance fee to get the girl and the baby out of Africa. The girl wanted my friend to adopt her daughter. So, somehow, the girl and the baby would be flown into a local airport, drop off the baby and then the girl would head on to France. The insurance was to guarantee that my friend here is real and that she really wanted the baby. Once she has the baby the money will be refunded with a check of some sort that no one could cash but my friend, the people in Africa are suppose to send a code to my friend's e-mail and then my friend will use this code to cash the check and get her insurance money refunded.

Are you still with me?

My friend has supposedly contacted the US Embassy. All of this is suppose to be legal and on the up and up but it sounds so much like a scam to me.

So here is my dilemma.

I don't want my friends to be hurt or to lose money I know they do not have. I love them.

Let's just be honest here, why her Lord and not me? Why did my husband's sister get Aiden and not me?

How is it that I may, and I say may, because I really do smell fish here, but how is it that I may have to deal with someone else, that isn't capable of taking care of a child being given one by someone else.

Most women with infertility deal with other people getting pregnant and having to participate, be happy for them, do the shower deal ect... For me, its different, my husband is a convicted felon, I have secondary infertility and unless one of these miraculous situations happens to me, like a mother choosing me to raise her child and giving me her precious baby I can't adopt.

So it pains me so to see miracles happening to people who in my eyes, shouldn't be raising more children. I'm sorry, I'm truly not meaning to be judgemental. I am not saying I am perfect but in these two situations I have to say that the baby is not better off with these families that have them. There are better homes out there. But it doesn't work that way does it?

So, I've hurt, I've felt pain, not because I can't pregnant but because I want to be chosen.

The wonderful thing is that it isn't over yet. The Lord has great things planned for me, whether they include a child or not is irrelevant. I want His perfect will above all else. I truly do. In spite of my pain.

Father God I ask you to forgive me for questioning You, forgive me for judging these women if that is what I have done. Forgive me for thinking myself to be a better mother than they are. Forgive me for falling into this pit. I ask You Lord, if it be Your will, choose me.

Looking back it started with the pill bottle-strike one, was fueled by the African bag of clothes-strike two and set on fire by the phone call from my friend-strike three. And I was out, I fell and I fell into the Pit hard.

Three hard strikes, at first subtle and then hard blows. Satan, the master of deceit.

I share this because as always with this blog, it is my desire to be real, to share the greatness of God that I experience but also to share the struggle. It's been a while since I've struggled, but here it is.

My Father is there to pick me up, and He did, and He continues to carry me.

I've added a new song to my playlist, the words are below, this is what I am doing right now, and if I abide in Him long enough, the pain will dissipate.

Kari Jobe- The More I Seek You

The more I seek you,
The more I find you
The more I find you, the more I love you

I wanna sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath, feel your heart beat
This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming

Awesome Revelation Louie Giglio - Laminin

2009-07-14T23:01:00.000-05:00

You have got to watch this!
God never ceases to amaze me, and you know what?
He never will!

Deliverance from 'Self'

2009-07-05T23:22:00.000-05:00

Deliverance from 'Self'

By Frank and Ida Mae Hammond

During our twenty-five years of intense involvement in deliverance ministry we have seen people set free from every sort of bondage: addictions, lust, perversions, unforgiveness, rebellion, hurts, withdrawal, double-mindedness, mental illness, fears, rejection, passivity, doubt, spiritual hindrances, curses and on-and-on. However, we are persuaded that the foremost need for deliverance is deliverance from 'self'. In fact, all bondage is in one way or another an expression of self-bondage.

A person wrapped up in himself is absorbed in his own problems, circumstances, ambitions and feelings. His whole being is concerned with 'self'. Thereby, he disregards the first and greatest commandment: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment' Matt. 22:37.

The devil has a master plan to capture mankind. His plan is the same for every person - imprisonment in self. Self is the devil's chief ally and man's number one enemy. Self thwarts the believer from being a true disciple of Christ. Jesus declared: 'Whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple' Luke 14:33.

Self hinders our living up to our spiritual potential. By being all that we can be in Christ, we become a powerful influence for the Kingdom of God. The devil fears this, so he does all that he can to prevent us from reaching maturity and fulfilling our calling in Christ. The devil's objective is to get the believer so occupied with self that he loses his spiritual saltiness: his ability to influence whatever he contacts. 'Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out' Luke 14:34,35. Selfishness takes the saltiness out of Christians.

Consider the believer's great potential. The new birth has equipped him with powers of spiritual discernment. He can see the things of the spiritual realm. He can 'see the kingdom of God' John 3:3. In contrast, 'The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned' I Cor. 2:14. 'The god of this age [Satan] has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God' II Cor. 4:4.

The twelve disciples were slow to see their potential in Christ. When Jesus spoke spiritual truth they turned their eyes upon themselves; therefore, He said, 'Do you still not see or understand?...Do you have eyes but fail to see?' Mk.8:17, 18.

In addition to our power to see into the spiritual realm, Jesus further promised us, 'You will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses' Acts 1:8. Thus, Spirit-baptized believers have the potential to function in supernatural power. We are given power to heal sickness, cast out demons, speak in new tongues, interpret tongues, prophesy and perform miracles.

After Pentecost, the disciples ministered in the Holy Spirit's power: 'And by the hands of the apostles were many signs and wonders wrought among the people' Acts 5:12. However, some were defeated by selfishness. Ananias and Sapphira coveted and lied, and their lives and ministry ended. Simon, a converted sorcerer, coveted the Holy Spirit's power for personal gain and Peter rebuked him saying, 'You have no part or share in this ministry' Acts 8:21.

Each believer as a member of Christ's spiritual Body, the Church, is required to die to self in order to fulfill the purpose of the Head and function with other parts of the Body. The ministry of the Body is frustrated when members fall into Satan's 'self' trap: either thinking themselves inadequate or superior in comparison with others. (See: I Cor. 12:14-27).

Yes, every demonic problem entails a problem with self. For example: The person wounded by rejection becomes conscious of 'self' because self hurts. Until one becomes secure in God's love, and loves all others, even his enemies, he will remain in bondage to self. Lust is self-gratification and self-indulgence; rebellion isself-rule; guilt is self-accusation; fear is self-concern; resentment is self-vindication; witchcraft is self-advantage; pride is self-exaltation. Every demon that can be named has a synonym name with a 'self' prefix. Therefore, deliverance does not come solely from casting out demons: the self-thing that gives place to demons must also be removed.

Many Bible heroes initially had self-problems, and only after their self-problems were remedied were these men useful to God. Moses was bound by inferiority. He felt unqualified for the ministry to which the Lord called him. Gideon also felt inadequate. He considered himself the least person in all of Israel. David yielded to self-indulgence and committed adultery, but afterward became 'a man after God's own heart'. Isaiah exclaimed, 'Woe is me,! for I am undone; because I am a man of unclean lips'. He felt unworthy to be God's spokesman. Jonah was self-willed. He didn't want to do things God's way. Saul of Tarsus was a self-righteous Pharisee and a persecutor of Christians. But each of these men were delivered from self and greatly used of the Lord. This means that there is hope for each of us!

`They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.' Rev. 12:11

In Revelation 12:11, three spiritual weapons are named by which the Saints are to defeat the devil. First, believers in Jesus Christ can utilize the power inherent in His incorruptible blood. The blood becomes a weapon when we testify what the blood of Jesus has done for us through its justifying, sanctifying, redeeming and atoning power. The devil is put to flight when we remind him that we have taken refuge in the shed blood of Jesus.

The second weapon named is 'the word of their testimony'; namely, 'the testimony of Jesus Christ' Rev. 12:17. We wield the weapon of testimony when we declare who Jesus is: the sinless son of God Who left His throne in glory, became incarnate, was tempted in all ways and yet without sin, Who went to the cross and laid down His life for us sinners, rose from the dead, ascended to His throne at the right hand of the Father and is coming again in power and glory.

The believer's third weapon, death to self, seems a strange weapon indeed. 'And they loved not their own lives even unto death' Rev. 12:11. When understood, this is an especially powerful weapon yet sadly neglected. Jesus overcome the devil. The victory of the cross was assured in Gesthemane when He prayed, 'Father...not as I will, but as you will' Matt. 26:39. Jesus loved not his own life even unto death. He is our example. He showed us that we can defeat the devil with the same weapon. The devil has no advantage over a person who has died to self.

For understanding's sake, suppose that a person is delivered from all oppressing demons. What is left? Only his real self is left. What then must be done with the real self? It must be crucified: taken to the cross and put to death! Only as self dies can Christ come forth in us. Only through death to self can one experience full deliverance.

Satan knows that he is thwarted when a person dies to self in order to live for Christ. Therefore, the devil's strategy is to entice us to set our own agenda and follow selfish pursuits instead of a commitment to God's purposes. We see the devil's strategy very clearly at work in Scripture's two classic examples of temptation: the temptations of Eve and of Jesus. How did the Serpent tempt Eve? He tempted her to set aside God's command and gratify self. What three avenues of temptation did he employ? The same avenues that are stated in I John 2:16 - the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life.

'The woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food' - appealed to the lust of her flesh. 'And [was] pleasing to the eyes' - appealed to the lust of the eyes. 'And desirable for gaining wisdom' - touched pride. See: Genesis 3:6

The devil's three-pronged temptations of Jesus followed exactly the same pattern. (Matthew 4:1-11). He tempted Christ to turn stones into bread in order to gratify the lust of the flesh. He further tempted Jesus through the lust of the eyes by showing Him the kingdoms of the world and their glory and offering them to Him in exchange for His worship. The third temptation appealed to the pride of life: Jesus was urged to leap from the pinnacle of the temple, depending upon angels to catch him, thus making a public display that would draw men's acclaim.

Ever since Eden, Satan has continued to use the same three temptations to draw men and women out of their devotion to God and into self-idolatry.

If Jesus had yielded to any one of these temptations it would have disqualified Him from becoming our Savior. He would have sinned, having abandoned the Father's will in preference to fulfill His own desires. Throughout His earthly sojourn, Jesus spoke and acted only in accord with the Father's will. He never acted independently of the Heavenly Father. In His acceptance of the Cross, He declared, 'Not as I will, but as you will' Matt. 26:39. This is why Jesus could victoriously announce, 'The prince of this world is coming. He has no hold on me' John 14:30.

The Persons of the Godhead never act independently of One Another. Likewise, in order for us to have victory over the devil and his demons, we cannot act independently of God. This is why the Bible tells us in James 4:7, 'Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you'. Submission to God comes through the surrender of one's own will. Only through such surrender can one effectively resist the devil.

Goals for deliverance must go beyond casting out demons. We must identify the devil's schemes and shut the door against him. We must be determined in Christ to keep demons from coming back once they have been driven out. These goals cannot be achieved apart from victory over self. Uncrucified self gives demons an opportunity to take up residence in our lives.

Paul expressed the formula for victory in these words: 'I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me' Gal. 2:20.

To reiterate, every demon is a self-oriented spirit. Any demon, by whatever name described, either pulls down or puffs up the 'self'. When 'self' gets the attention, God is no longer central in one's life. This is why our greatest need for deliverance is deliverance from 'self'. For anyone expecting lasting victory over the devil and evil spirits, the self-life must be crucified and all self-related spirits evicted.

'Anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.' Matt. 10:39
COMMON 'SELF' SPIRITS

Self-pity, Self-accusation, Self-rejection, Self-condemnation, Self-will, Self-rule, Selfishness, Self-deception, Self-seduction, Self-delusion, Self-consciousness, Self-analysis, Self-evaluation, Self-concern, Self-indulgence, Self-gratification, Self-savior, Self-defeat, Self-reproach, Self-concern, Self-criticism, Self-vindication, Self-hatred, Self-flagellation, Self-exaltation, Self-promotion, Self-destruction, Self-reward

Taken from http://www.nemontel.net/~word1/deliverance_from_self.htm

Proverbs 17:22

2009-07-03T22:01:00.000-05:00

A Change Will Do You Good

2009-07-01T20:26:00.001-05:00

Meadow's before Picture

Take a deep breath....here we go!!

I saved the first cut...

I started to wonder....

Can you see her grin in the mirror?

Almost finished....

A little more....

Whoosh.....

Ahhhh......

Finally.... Doesn't the cut fit her?

Gorgeous girl...she looks so much older!

I love it! I love it!! I love it!!!
Thank-You Teresa.

Cut by Teresa Jones at Divine Design.

Sharing Wise Words

2009-06-25T21:09:00.000-05:00

This is from a bloggy friend of mine. The whole post can be found at Internet Cafe Devotions-All The Things I Can Not Do.

My last post was very long, sometimes I am simply too expressive. This sums up what the Lord revealed to me in a nut shell without the details.

Proverbs 19:21 says, “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” (NIV) My God purposed me for a destiny created just for me. He knew my limitations before I did and that did not change His mind about the things He created me to do. When I let go of my predisposed beliefs about my purpose and I take on the purposes of God then I realize that “I CAN do everything through Him who gives me strength.” Phil 4:13

Now, I spend time listening to the heart of God. Using my gifts, strengths and abilities in alignment with Him allows me to overcome my disability and further the kingdom of God in a way I never could on my own.

Is there a circumstance in your life that has limited to you? Is there something you need to lay at the cross? Let’s take time today to get in touch with the one who created us and find out the purpose He has for each of our lives. In doing so, we can overcome our circumstances and become that which God created us to be.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

More of Him and Less of Me

2009-06-20T21:08:00.005-05:00

You know after I wrote the last post and then read the replies I have to admit that I had a sense of guilt set in on me. I felt, honestly, as if I had been insensitive to those of you who are still struggling so hard to have a child.

I apologize if my post hurt you in any way.

I know too that none of you meant to make me feel guilty.

It's just another one of those horrible things about infertility.

In a sense, I feel like the peace that I have, hurts others the same way it would had I been with child. No one means to be hurt when they hear the news but somehow its hard to find that true joy when your own pain is still so very real.

I just wanted to elaborate more on the peace that I feel. Please don't be hurt or offended. Please don't allow the enemy to turn my words around and use them to accuse you of NOT doing something that I have done. Nor, to convince you that somehow, not having peace is like infertility and its your fault that you haven't received it.

That was one of my biggest battles. Believing it was my fault that I couldn't receive. That is was my fault I couldn't conceive. That it was unrepented sin, or that I wasn't righteous enough.

You know what I speak of. I've read many of your blogs and know that the Lord has revealed to most of us that its not our fault. He isn't punishing us either.

Peace was a process.

And I'm quite sure that each of our processes are and will be quite different.

It was nothing of me, it was ALL from Him.

I prayed for a long time for that peace and for that longing for another child to ease. To stop consuming me, my every thought, my every action. It began with the realization that I was more focused on me. I was in fact SO focused on me that I was angry when I didn't get what I wanted, or what I thought I deserved.

All of those questions I asked of the Lord, "Why her Father and not me? Am I not a good enough mother? Do you not hear my prayers? Do you not love me?"

The answers He gave to me were hard to hear at first. Actually to be VERY honest with you, the Lord had been trying to answer me for a long time BUT I couldn't hear it, I wouldn't listen, because I KNEW the Lord was not saying what I wanted to hear. The fear would knot up in my stomach as the thoughts of never being pregnant again came to my mind and I would want to vomit.

I went through the process where I prayed constantly, I begged and I pleaded with God like somehow I thought I could change His mind. My heart wasn't for God or for His will, even though I would pray those words, "Your will be done" or "If it's Your will Lord."

My heart was saying I want what *I* want. I know what I want isn't wrong, it is VERY right and I can give You scripture to prove it. You give it to everyone around me, even those who don't want it, so why, why would you withhold the one thing I want so desperately from me?

I went through a phase that I wondered, "could I still love and serve God if He said no?" Was my desire so strong that I would remain angry with God?

I was angry with God.

I had to tell Him, so I did. I cried out to Him and I confessed all of the horrible, ugly thoughts I was thinking and I asked Him to forgive me.

"Don't let me go, Father, whatever You do, do NOT let me go. Do NOT allow me to push You away."

I began to force myself to be thankful for what I had. To look around me and imagine it all gone, lost in a moment, and me left standing alone....with nothing. I began to praise God and thank him for every moment, every thing, every person, every face, every day that He had given me.

The Lord asked me, "Jennifer, how much do you love Me?"

"Oh Lord," I replied, "I love You so much."

"Do you?" the Lord said.

When the Lord asked this of Peter and and Peter said, "Yes Lord." The Lord replied, "Feed My sheep." In fact, He replied this three times. FEED MY SHEEP.

I started thinking about love and what love is and I realized that my love had cracks in it.

I looked around me at my family and realized that my happiness was dependent upon things like having a good day. I was happy when things went my way. To talk to me, I'd tell you that I had the perfect life, short of being able to conceive, and that I was the most blessed and happiest woman in the world. But if you had asked my children or my husband, they would have told you the exact opposite. They would have told you that I was angry and full of rage. I was depressed and extremely unhappy. I was short tempered and cruel with my words. That they didn't, they couldn't make me happy and that I had made them feel like they weren't enough.

In my pain, I had hurt them so deeply.

I looked at my husband and the children I have and I realized that when I was angry with them or when they done things to make me unhappy, I withheld my love from them.

I handle pain by lashing out.

I have since I was a child. I've always been a fighter.

I just never showed the love and happiness I truly did feel for them because my pain consumed me.

In turn, I had also, in my anger towards the Lord, withheld my love from Him. I suppose in a way I was trying to hurt Him because I blamed Him and I felt like He was hurting me.

My focus was SO wrong. I didn't have a heart after God's heart. I didn't have the deepest desire in the world to share His gospel, His truth. I didn't have the deepest desire to see lost souls saved.

I had fallen over into a pit of doubt and unbelief. I had questioned everything that I had claimed to believe.

It was at this point that the Lord began to show me again what love really was. He reminded me of how He created the world and Adam and Eve sinned but He still loved them. How He had sent His son to die on the old rugged cross to save mankind from hell. To bring us out from under the law into His grace. How He longed and desired to be enough for me, to make me happy. How He still loved me perfectly and wholly just as much as He loves everyone else.

He took me through scriptures like 1 Corinthians chapter 13 reminding what love REALLY is. He whispered the words UNCONDITIONAL LOVE in my ear over and over and over and over until I began to grasp what that meant. (I still try each day to grasp a little more of it.) I realized it was a love I could never offer with out HIM.

I began to empty myself out to Him. Everyday I would empty myself out to Him. I asked Him to change me, to help me, to teach me and to strengthen me.

Without Him, there is no good thing in me.

Over time, in little steps, in little things, my love for my desires grew smaller while my love for my Savior grew bigger.

I focused on my husband and our relationship. I focused on how to show him my happiness and to love him just as Christ loves me. I started GIVING as much as I could give to him and the Lord blessed our relationship by strengthening it and drawing us closer together than ever.

I began to focus on my children and how to show them my love for them and how pleased and happy I was with them. I started GIVING them more than I had before. I began to show them love even when I was upset with them. This made such a difference!

I began to focus on my friends and my family, even people that the Lord would put in my path and I began to love them, I began to GIVE myself and the Lord slowly drew my desire out of me as I was obeying Him and His word.

No idle hands, no idle times.

I realized one day that I felt so full of peace I could bust. As I thought about having another child I realized the desire was almost completely gone. Trying to imagine myself swelled with life didn't bring the same satisfaction.

Instead I was having visions of missions trips and helping people in ways that I never had before. I began to realize that there were things inside of me that I wanted to do and if I were to have another child those things would be put on hold for a long long time. They weren't things *I* had wanted to do, they were NEW desires, the things God wants me to do.

My season had changed.

I realized also, that the Lord had answered one of my prayers and it wasn't the one that I had wanted Him to answer. It was actually the one that I had feared the most. But He is my Father, and He alone knows what is best for me, He alone knows what HE has in store for me, He alone knows the details of the purpose He has planned for me, He alone knows the call I have yet to fulfill.

It is up to me to trust that. Trust HIM.

Wholly and completely.

I was saddened by all the time I had wasted being miserable because I didn't have what I had thought I wanted more than anything in the world. I was sad by the pain I had caused others. I was ashamed that I had been ungrateful and that I hadn't loved or trusted my Father. I felt that I had been selfish, I had been you know, very selfish. That doesn't mean my selfishness wasn't understandable but even so, that didn't make it something other than what it was.

I had coveted.

I had not been content.

I had not been serving God.

Now, today, I am not perfect and I do not live a perfect life. I still have days that I struggle. Some days I fall. I choose to get up and I choose to refocus my eyes on Christ, I ask Him to help me carry my cross and to use me, and that somehow, someway I might be a help to someone else in need.

So that is my prayer for each one of you, that the Lord would bring you peace and show you the purpose that He has set before you. May He consume you. May your lives be filled with More of Him and less of you.

May there be no room for pain.

In the name of Jesus Christ.

Amen.

H-E-L-L-O-O-O

2009-06-15T00:15:00.003-05:00

Is there anybody o-u-t t-h-e-r-e???

Sorry but ya know lately I just don't know what to say. I'm completely off the wagon as far as weight loss goes. Not even sure where I'd weigh in at now but I know I've gained. I've just been enjoying life, homeschooling the girls, focusing on my marriage and having a good time.

As far as the infertility goes I'm going to be 38 this year and I'm satisfied. My oldest daughter just married and I'm okay with not having any more children. Most months I'm actually thankful when the red stain comes.

Gosh, ya know, I read that and it sounds cold but God really did answer that prayer. I asked Him, "Hey Daddy-if it isn't Your will for me to have more children could you please take away this tormenting desire?"

And He did.

Even though I know the Doctors found NOTHING wrong with me and the Doctors found nothing wrong with my husband and I COULD get pregnant any ole month now.....I'm simply NOT tormented when the red stain comes.

Now, this month I did wonder. It was an off month and I had signs. It was of course a false alarm and I was emotional but not devastated. After two days I was relieved.

Parenting is hard. I can tell you that the teen years can make you rethink a lot of things. God has worked everything out and I'm ever so grateful for my three gorgeous daughters and our lives together and I do not regret one thing. There are those days that I don't want to start over again. Meadow will be 8 in July.

8

Time just flies doesn't it?

I've moved onto to focusing more on the life I have, the one I live everyday, instead of coveting one that I don't.

I like where I am right now and I give God all the glory, because let me tell you, after 5 plus years of trying to conceive, begging God and wondering why, its really GOOD to be at peace.

I pray that each one of you come to know His peace whether it be by conceiving or not.

Hugs!

Pastor Jason Kerr-When You Pray

2009-05-13T17:52:00.002-05:00

This "When You Pray" sermon is powerful, its awesome. I know when you see the minutes below them you think, "I don't have time for this today."

Trust me, try it.

Jason is easy to listen to, he's funny, he keeps your attention and he is full of revelation from the Lord. He shares wonderful testimonies and well, simply put, I'm moved every time I hear him. My heart hungers for God just a little more.

Trust me, try it.

You didn't stumble upon this by accident.

Committed: When You Pray Part One (Global Force Ministries)

Committed: When You Pray Part Two (Global Force Ministries)

Pastor Jason Kerr

2009-05-13T00:08:00.001-05:00

"Ruach" Part One

"Ruach" Part Two

One of my favorite Pastors.

Weigh-In Week 14

2009-05-11T22:17:00.002-05:00

Late but I weighed. I am here.

Starting weight/ current weight/ goal weight

198/183/135

I gained 5 pounds in the last two weeks. Sigh...

Wedding things are coming along. It's crunch time!

Weigh In- Week 13

2009-05-05T14:59:00.004-05:00

I forgot to weigh. UGH! But lets be honest here. NO exercise.

None. Nada. Nothing.

I'm eating whatever I want.

I've done absolutely nothing positive for myself as far as weight loss and health.

My attitude is horrible.

I just don't care at the moment.

UGH!

BUT I am happy.

I am planning my daughter's wedding. (links to other blogs at the bottom of this page)

I am happy that my good friend Alesha is finally pregnant. What reasons to rejoice. So today I'm rejoicing. Regardless of how much I weigh. Ha!

:)

God Bless You!

Weigh In- Week12

2009-04-24T12:44:00.003-05:00

Today's weigh in is very surprising to me. I actually weighed twice just to be sure it was correct. I've been under alot of unusual stress the last few weeks. After being sick, I've had both sides of my granparents sick and hospitalized. Things are very iffy with them right now. I have the upcoming wedding and completely stressful shower that I didn't share here (sorry...I just haven't had the time or felt up to blogging much). Then today begins our 30 Hour Famine at our church and dh and I had an enormous argument last night, in which I took everything out on him and he still isn't speaking to me. Please if you are reading this pray for us, pray for dh's heart to soften and for him to be able to forgive me. We are suppose to be heading up the Famine and its stressful anyway, much less trying to do this not speaking! UGH! I'll be so glad when things in my life settle a little and I'm able to find that resting place in my Father. I need the strength and peace so badly.

Ah, but on to the one good thing that happened to me this week. My weigh in. As a result of all of the stress I've been under my totals are.

198/178/135

I'm down 6 pounds from last week. :)

Until next time....

Oh and thanks for praying for us!

Weigh In- Week 11

2009-04-19T22:17:00.002-05:00

198/184/135
I'm up another pound
UGH!
Hoping to get back on track this week.
3 weeks down is too long....
It's not over yet though!

Weigh In- Week 10

2009-04-12T00:10:00.002-05:00

Well taking a week off couldn't bring much success could it? Totals for this week are:

198/183/135
I'm up 2 pounds

Of course I'm disgusted. The worse part is that I feel bad. I'm tired and all I want to do is lay around and eat and that makes me more miserable than I was to begin with. I did better today with my eating than I have all week but still haven't felt like getting back to working out.

I'm praying next week I can get back on track.

Happy Resurrection Day everyone. :) He is Risen!!! He is Risen Indeed!

Weigh In- Week 9

2009-04-05T22:43:00.004-05:00

I'm late again. Last week I got really sick. Friday my husband took me to the doctor and I tested positive for strep. I got a shot on Friday and thought I'd be magically better by that night. Boy was I wrong. I've never ever ever had strep before and I had no idea what I was in for. I was so sick. I'm still so incredibly weak its aggravating.

My weigh in was uneventful. Disappointing to say the least. I'm just praying that this upcoming week doesn't leave me going in the wrong direction. Have you ever tried eating low carb with strep??? umm I'm sorry but this was one of those cases where I had to have creamed potatoes and soft foods.

Anyhoo my weigh in was like this.

Starting weight/ Current weight/ Goal weight
198/181/135

This means I stayed the same, which I can live with, but weighing in next week..umm I'm trying NOT to think about it. If I'm as weak tomorrow as I am today there will be NO way I can work out. Which means I NEED to get back on track with the diet. I know I can lose if I stay on track. Pray for me ladies. I need it!

Thanks! Until next time.......

Weigh In- Week 8

2009-03-27T09:49:00.003-05:00

You aren't going to believe this! I stepped on the scale this morning and I was down 2 pounds! This brings my total to 17 pounds. Woohoo! I didn't get to work out as much this week as usual. I have been babysitting for a close friend so I haven't had the free time but I've done very well remaining sugar free, eating whole foods, lots of veggies and some fruit, legumes, nuts and all water. Sunday, I did allow myself a very small piece of birthday cake and a scoop of ice cream. I could NOT handle the icing on the cake, it turned my stomach, the sugar was too much for my taste buds! So I slid the icing off and ate the cake with the ice cream. When I was done, I really didn't feel like I was missing out on anything at all!

My totals this week are:

Starting-current-goal
198-181-135

I'm beginning to notice the weight loss in my body. My size 18 pants no longer fit, my 16's are held up by a belt and my old 14's now fit again! Woohoo! My original goal was to lose 63 pounds, its now down to 46! ;)

No changes in Aiden's situation.

I know I'm not dealing with infertility issues currently, but I want you all to know, I'm reading and praying. Praying for sabbaticals, IUIs, IVFs and adoptions! Hugs ladies!

Weigh In- Week 7

2009-03-23T10:23:00.003-05:00

Sorry I'm late in posting this weeks update. I've been so incredibly busy. I weighed in on Friday at 183 so, I'm down another pound for a grand total of 15 pounds in 7 weeks. I wish the loss would pick up speed, it would be nice to be losing more than one pound a week but again, I can live with this kind of loss.

I have done very good in continuing to eat a lower carb diet with my the carbs that I am eating being complex carbs. I have also been faithful to exercise although this past week was aunt flo week so I only worked out three days. I'm still proud though. I pushed through those classes because honestly, I wanted to stay home. So the fact that I went is an accomplishment for me. I'm still drinking all water and taking my vitamins. Feeling good and moving forward!

Continue to lift up baby Aiden in your prayers. I haven't gotten to see him nor have I heard anything about him. By taking the steps that I did to see to it that things were reported I alienated myself from him. That hurts but at the same time I know I did what was best for him. I done all that I could within my own control and the rest must be left to the authorities and to the Lord. I continue to pray that the Lord will move him to a safe haven and that the Lord continue to place a hedge of protection around him until this happens.

Thanks ladies!

Weigh In- Week 6

2009-03-13T08:43:00.002-05:00

The scale is still slowly moving down. Today I weigh in at 184 which is 14 pounds less than when I started. The nice feeling is that my clothes have gone from tight (because I was seriously getting ready to move up another size) to a little loose. Especially my workout clothes. It won't be long and I'll have to find something different to wear to classes.

This week I worked out 4 days for 4 hours of exercise. One of those workouts was the hardest longest cardio I've done yet! I loved it! The other classes are leaving me feeling a little short on cardio, we only go 30 minutes before moving into sculpting and I've built up some stamina so I may have to add some cardio in at home on the days I don't have classes or in the mornings of the days I do.....

I'm just proud to be moving in the right direction!

UPDATE: Continue to pray

2009-03-09T22:46:00.004-05:00

It doesn't look like anything will be happening quickly. These situations are just the pit to deal with. When we battled my sister in law over her own son all those years it felt as though we always lost. She is such a smart drug addict. I don't physically understand how she can be so tore up only to snap back and know her rights so well.

Since she is alerted that something has been done, she'll hide the problem and appear straight long enough to keep Aiden. Then things will go back to normal and next time I won't be there to witness anything. I know this isn't about me, but it seems as though I will be the one to suffer. Suffer knowing he remained and suffer knowing I can't see him, suffer not knowing how he is being cared for. I know it isn't over yet and I'm trying to have faith, remembering that faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. But the way thing appear in the physical sure seem overbearing at times.

My sister in law kept her doctors appointment today and I'm sure that she lured the doctor in. She's good like that. Aiden's mom called my sister in law at my mother in law's house and didn't call me as she said she would. This proves she doesn't believe me, but believes my sister in law.

It sucks when those in the wrong are rewarded.

Thanks for continuing to pray.

For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.

Romans 8:3-4

Immediate Prayer Needed

2009-03-09T10:58:00.001-05:00

As some of you may know my sister in law has temporary custody of a little boy named Aiden who's mother is in prison. I've requested prayer her and on my blog for him for the last seven months. It's been a hard time for me. I just haven't known what to do or what not to do where his care is concerned. I've shared some of the signs of drug use and things that my sister in law has shown and has done things that are not in Aiden's best interest. I've been told repeatedly that I should report her but that is such a hard thing to do.

I have had Aiden for the last week. My sister in law allows me to care for him every so many weeks. When I left Aiden my was heart was very sad. My sister in law was so messed up. I begged my sister in law to see the situation and allow Aiden to come back home with me and she refused. She kept saying she was fine.

This morning my mother in law called my sister in law's doctor. My mother in law told the doctor of her daughter's behavior. The doctor said that this behavior would not come from the medications that he had prescribed to her. He said that because of this phone call, by law, he had to report her to social services.

In order to try and keep Aiden from going into foster care I called his mother in prison. She agreed over the phone to allow my husband Tony and I to have temporary custody of Aiden until she gets out of prison in 10 months. Please pray that all transpires with no problems. I have no way of knowing the mother's state of mind or heart or even if what she has told me is true. If she is lying to me then Aiden will probably go into foster care, or to some of her family (which would not be ideal), this will be hard for me but I know will be better for Aiden than where he is, although in my opinion the best situation is here in my home.

Please pray in whatever way the Holy Spirit leads you to pray for everyone involved in this situation. I have a hard time knowing how to pray when my heart is so involved.

Thank-you so much.

Weigh In-Week 5 and some thoughts

2009-03-06T10:09:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was an incredible test. It was a long hard day. I battled thoughts all day long. Thoughts like "You have too much weight too lose. You'll never be able to get it all off. Its going to take too long. You won't be able to stick to the way of eating you've chosen. One day of binging on sweets won't hurt you." I could go on and on.

These were lies from satan.

I went to Maurices and tried on clothes. That was a big mistake. Somehow I felt smaller than I am. I guess I thought that 12 pounds would have shown more. I was so disappointed and felt so overwhelmed and so far away from goal.

I almost gave in. I almost ate chocolate brownies. While I know that one wouldn't have hurt me I would not have stopped at one. I would have eaten every single one.

I resisted.

I praise you sweet Jesus for strengthening me during this trial.

Today when I woke up I felt much better. Its the later part of the days that are so hard for me.

I weighed and I've lost another pound. I'm down to 185. That is 13 pounds in 5 weeks and I'm truly NOT disappointed with those results. I keep telling myself that this is a process, a slow one, I didn't get this way over night and I won't drop it all over night.

I didn't get to exercise as much as I would have because of the weather. The snow that came in stopped 4 classes I had planned on attending. I still managed 2 classes and I have another today. So three in one week isn't too bad.

I'm doing excellent on my water intake, even with a sinus infection and that is tough because a good cold diet coke would break this stuff up but I'm not giving in.

I'm doing well with my low carb eating.

I really really appreciate your prayers ladies. Battling the weight is a hard journey.

Weighing In- Week 4

2009-02-27T08:58:00.003-05:00

I've worked out really hard this week, a total of 4 hours of cardio and sculpting. I'm still so sore I don't quite trust my legs to support me with each step I take but it feels good. It feels good to be doing something.

I'm taking a break until Monday to give my body time to rest and then I'll go at it again next week!

My weigh in....are you ready for this?

starting weight/current weight/goal

198/186/135

I'm down 2 more pounds! WoW!

Eating low carb, drinking all water and working out is agreeing well with my body! It felt so good when I stepped on the scale this morning I screamed! :)

Working Out

2009-02-25T21:35:00.001-05:00

I'm so sore I can barely move! Its a good sore though. I'm enjoying the pain, well, not the pain so much as the results! My goal is to be consistent and NOT quit this time. Quiting is so easy.

I've started watching The Biggest Loser. We don't have television at my house so after working out on Tuesdays I go to my friends house and watch it there. Last night was such a good episode. The teams had a major challenge and one member offered up the idea of quitting right where they were. You could tell it was tempting to everyone because they were all so tired but one member stepped up and said that he couldn't quit. He was in this for himself and he just couldn't let himself down that way. Later, it showed two other guys and one of them stated that quitting had always been his problem. He would begin a weight loss journey only to quit and fail. He couldn't quit now. Another guy said that if he had of quit then, just because the challenge was so hard that he would have quit again, every time he was tempted or the workouts were to hard. He wouldn't have continued to push himself so hard because after you quit once, its gets easier.

These things really hit my heart. I'm determined to make a permanent change. Not just to lose weight but to be healthy and to be an example to my family. I want to show them that it can be done. I want to be an inspiration to them and to encourage them and ignite a desire inside of them to want to change as badly as I do.

Good stuff.

I'm looking forward to weighing in on Friday!

Weigh In

2009-02-21T11:56:00.003-05:00

What week am I on? Three? I'm doing well with drinking water only, sometimes adding lemon. I'm doing well eating low carb. This week I didn't get to exercise because the red stain came and left me in pain for 4 days. There was no way I could exercise with that bloatedness I was experiencing. Yesterday I was back to my old self and feeling WONDERFUL. I love that, feeling wonderful! I worked out doing aerobics for one hour at the Y. What a workout! It was one of the hardest ones yet.

I forgot to weigh yesterday morning so I waited to weigh in today.

My totals are (starting/current/goal)

198/188/135

So I'm down another pound from last week! Whew! I was so grateful for that pound, after not being able to move I was afraid the scale wouldn't budge but it did!!!

Thanks for praying for me on this weight loss journey. The prayers really help to strengthen me. :)

Remember to Pray for Aiden

2009-02-19T00:07:00.002-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day!

The perfect Kiss!

Tony is so good with Aiden.

Aiden is looking at himself in the mirror. This is a picture of his reflection. Kewel huh!

I love to watch him make faces as he has just discovered his tongue! Ha!

Those eyes....

Found those tootsies!

My momma, stealing a kiss.

Concentrating on getting the toy.

Me with Aiden.

Roxy trying to give Aiden a kiss!

Aiden looking at the rose...

He really didn't know what to think.

What a beautiful boy.

Always happy, always smiling!

Tony playing with Aiden.

Meadow, helping give Aiden his bath.

Did you see those eyes?

Me and Aiden again.

Please remember to keep Aiden, his mother (who is in jail), and my sister in law (who is caring for Aiden) in your prayers.

(Note: These pictures were taken with my Nikon D 80. No photoshop. The only touch ups done were the black and white effect and the cropping of some of them. I'm pretty proud of myself.)

Friday Weigh In

2009-02-13T11:37:00.004-05:00

Well, I exercised a plenty. I guess my larger loss for the first week took away from my losses this week. I'm down one pound here.

(editing to add) On my weight loss boards I had my weight different than here, so I'm fixing that, its too confusing for me to have different totals. I've actually lost two pounds this week. I'm heading in the right direction!

My totals were (starting/current/goal)
198/189/135

I exercised Friday-elliptical for 30 minutes, done 25 crunches and 10 knee raises, Saturday- walked 3 miles on the elliptical, Sunday Bhangra-1-hour, Tuesday-pilates 1-hour, Wednesday-Step Aerobics-1 hour and Thursday-Chair Aerobics-45 minutes. I'm satisfied with this. My goal is to develop a life style of exercise, not just to do lose weight.

Hopefully next week I'll see the same or better!

25 Random Things About Me

2009-02-07T17:37:00.006-05:00

I've been tagged by Nicole at For Yours Is The Kingdom. I'm suppose to list 25 random things, facts, habits or goals about me. Then choose 3 people to tag. It's courteous to link back to the person who tagged you. ;)

1. I tried to smother my baby sister with a pillow when I was three years old because I was very jealous.

2. I am the oldest of three, I have one sister and one brother.

3. When I was little I wanted to be a nurse.

4. I dropped out of nursing school when my oldest daughter Heaven was 2 years old. Partly because I was lazy, mostly because I didn't like spending so much time away from her.

5. I was molested when I was 10 years old by a family member. I blamed myself for years.

6. I battled suicide (even though I had three children of my own and was very happy) until the Lord set me free 6 years ago.

7. I was saved in the 1st grade and I have little memory of it. It's always bothered me when Pastors say, "Do you remember the day when...." This caused me alot of doubt and I battled serving the Lord and falling away for years.

8. As a result of this I redicated my life more times than I can count and I was baptized 3 times.

9. I finally realized it wasn't *what* I did but my relationship with my Father through His Son Jesus Christ that mattered. #7 no longer bothers me.

10. I've always wanted as many children as I could have. I pictured me as The Duggars before I'd ever heard of them.

11. I've never been on birth control.I've never conceived easily.

12. When I was a teenager, I slept around alot. I use to pray for the Lord to NOT let me get pregnant. When battling infertility I always thought He was answering those prayers and punishing me for praying them.

13. I now know better and I've come to see this as the Lord having complete control over womb. He chooses when. He loves me. He knows what is best for me. He knows what purpose He has for me. He isn't punishing me.

14. The thought of my children growing up and leaving home used to scare me to death. I mourned Heaven graduating.

15. I have a fear of being alone.

16. I've battled my weight since having my first daughter.

17. I love to eat!

18. I love rollercoasters!

19. My first husband beat me. My God given husband adores me!

20.I love to read and my favorite Christian Fiction author is Francine Rivers. I am very close to owning all of her books.

21. I've always wanted a son.

22. My brother and sister are both still in the same pain/pit that the Lord brought me out of. It's so hard for me to watch. I pray the Lord delivers them too. I pray that they surrender.

23. I spend way too much time online.

24. Lately, I've had thoughts that I may not want another child so badly anymore. My youngest is 7 and I have a lot of freedom. Freedom to serve, freedom to teach, freedom to not have to have a sitter. I'll be 38 this year. If I found out I were pregnant right now I'd be 56 when my child turned 18.

25. I'll always leave my womb open to the Lord's will.

Whew....I think I could have kept going! That was fun. Now, I tag:

1.Stacey at Stacey's Thoughts

2.Teresa at Keepin a Close Watch on this Heart of Mine

And

3.Alicia at Consider it All Joy-Infertility a Test of FaithFor Yours Is The Kingdom

Thanks ladies! I look forward to learning more about you!

(Don't miss the post below on this one. I had two today!)

I'm Up and Moving

2009-02-07T17:19:00.006-05:00

I'm doing well with the water drinking, and staying on the low carb eating lifestyle. Friday I ventured down to the basement where I've stored all of my great exercise equipment. I'm thankful the kids use it or it would have just been collecting dust the last couple years. Anyhoo....I walked on the elliptical for 30 minutes, done 25 crunches and 10 knee raises (on my vertical knee raise/chin dip thingy) and lots of stretching before and after.

I'm going to try and make Fridays my official weigh in day and won't be weighin in until next week since I weighed mid week this week. I'm trying to keep myself OFF the scales. I have a bad habit of weighing daily and its discouraging if I come down a pound one day just to go back up the next. I start thinking, "Well one day of eating whatever I want will not hurt me." Then I fall off the wagon and don't even attempt to get back on.

I know this has to be a lifestyle change. It's just that in the beginning when I start I'm so excited and almost *overboard* gung ho. You know? I tell myself baby steps but I just want to DO something. It's good I feel like doing something but I need to maintain this energy throughout the month and not soar for a week just to hit bottom the other three. Does anyone else get overly excited to quickly?

Last night I talked with a good friend of mine that I haven't spoken with in a few weeks. She told me about some very kewel aerobics classes that are being offered for free throughout two communities. They have classes everyday of the week at all times of the day with distances ranging from 15 minutes away to 35 minutes away, one way. Not too bad considering the classes are free. They offer a variety of choices such as Step Aerobics, Water Aerobics, Line Dancing, Yoga, Pilates, Chair Aerobics, Cardio Dance, Kick Boxing Belly Dancing, Bhangra, and other styles of exercise classes.

So....it looks like I'm going to pick up a couple with her. They each last an hour and I'm not so sure I'm ready for hour long exercising just yet but she said I could break if I needed. Pray with me that I'll have the nerve to go and that these changes will be permanent.

Thanks friends....

Trying to Lose Weight

2009-02-04T23:12:00.006-05:00

Ugh! It's such a hard thing for me to do. I went on a low carb diet before I ever got pregnant with Meadow and I lost 65lbs. I slowly gained all the weight back during the first year of her life. I'm not sure if I've shared my husband's weight or not but I know he's over 350. When I weighed last week I was 195. I was disgusted with myself. I prayed about it over the week and on Sunday I had decided that this was it, I couldn't keep putting it off, I've got to do something. I so wanted my husband to do this with me but he has shown no interest over the last year at any of my hints or comments. On Sunday I announced that I was going to begin eating more healthy and lower carb and begin exercising. My husband told me that he too had been praying about this and he had already decided to start on Sunday too! Now that is a GOD THING!

You can't know how excited I am. Now don't misunderstand me, I know I need to lose weight but to be honest I've adjusted to my weight. It's just become who I am. Once I begin hitting the 200 mark I find the strength to lose a few pounds. I usually get down to 180-185 and then decide I don't want it bad enough to make the sacrifice. So I bounce and I never need new clothes. But my husband really needs this, his weight has gotten to the point that he can't do things that he use to do. Our combined weight gain has made our *relations* difficult and often times more work than we are willing to put into it. He is 41 and I am 37. So because he is on board with me, this motivates me even more because I see that he needs it more than I do.

I've decided to include the weight loss venture here on the Red Stain. Everyone from my community, church and family read my other blog and I have NO privacy, so here I feel I can share it all without having people watching me, so to speak.

I've already lost 5 lbs, probably water weight but I'll take it. Last night I walked 1/2 mile on the elliptical, 10 knee raises, and 10 crunches.Today I moved and stretched but no real exercise. I did good with portion controls and never ate until I was stuffed, just barely full. I'm trying to follow the Thin Within principals of judging my hunger on a level of 1-10. 1 being starving and 10 being stuffed beyond measure. I want to eat before ever hitting a 1-2 and always stop when pleasantly full.

I've cut out all the sugar other than some fruit and I'm drinking water only. Sometimes I'll add lemon and splenda but rarely.

I'll add more about what I'm doing later. Please keep Tony and myself in your prayers. We really need to overcome our poor eating habits, and commit to a healthier lifestyle.

Oh, I'm so glad you all enjoyed the pictures on the previous post. I did fear that some would be offended. You know the greatest victory of the whole thing for me was that I didn't envy her or wish it was me at any moment. The Lord allowed me to go in there as her best friend and support her totally. That is such a victory for me! As always I appreciate your comments, they mean SO much to me. They keep me going, you know? Praying for all of you this night.

~Jenileigh

The Miracle of Birth

2009-02-02T19:18:00.008-05:00

(There are some graphic pictures of birth below this post. If you don't want to see them close my blog! Watch for littles peeping over your shoulder too!)

Friday night they put my best friend in the hospital to induce labor. She was 37 weeks and had just a few complications during her pregnancy. This was her fifth little one and she had some severe complications with her first child but only minor things in later pregnancies. Her blood sugar had a tendency to run a little high during pregnancies. It was only a few points high with this one but the doctors insisted on insulin anyway. With her last pregnancy a different doctor allowed her to wait on the insulin and all went fine. I know you never know in these situations but I just prefer to leave things as natural as possible. They were afraid she was showing early symptoms (very very early symptoms) of pre-eclampsia so they decided to induce her Friday night.

I arrived at the hospital around 10:30 pm. Melanie, my girlfriend-my best friend since we were babes, was very nervous. Melanie gets pregnant so easily. She was done at 3 but then 4 surprised her. 5 knocked her for a loop and she decided to get her tubes tied after this babe. The biggest reason being that she is terrified of labor. She almost panics, she dreads it from the day she discovers she's pregnant. I try my best to talk to her about it and calm her down. It really breaks my heart to see her fear to prominent though.

So, the pitocin started at 10:00pm and progressed every half to full hour. For some reason the doctors also decided to give her a magnisium drip, I never fully understood it. Something to do with pre-eclamsia. She was dialated at a 2 upon arrival, they checked her around 3 am and she was only a 3. Around 6:00 am they checked her again because the babe's heart rate was dropping during contractions and found her body was shifting into the next stage of labor and she had dialated 2 more cm in 30 minutes. They stopped the pitocin drip to slow things up a little. Waited an hour and started the drip again.

Around 9:45 she was in some serious pain with her contractions and she asked for her epidural. She was an 8 when they started. WoW!

The epidural was over around 10:45 and around 11:00 she told the nurses she was feeling pressure. The nurse called the doctor and the team began preparing for this precious life that about to be born. The nurses told Melanie that she was going to do some practice pushing. Everyone thought there was plenty of time. I snickered because I knew the pressure she was feeling was the baby slipping into the birth canal. We had lost the heartbeat completely and that was why!

When Melanie spread her legs the babe's head was already crowned and beginning to come out. The doctor would not arrive for 20 more minutes. The nurse didn't even have time to put on her gloves. The nurse reached and grabbed the babe's head as if she thought she could hold her in place keeping her from making her grand entrance into the world. Madalynn Danielle slipped her little body out of her mommy at 11:14 am. She weighed 5lbS and 8oz.

The reason I mentioned the magnisium was that Melanie was told that because she had been on this her baby would have to be taken to the NICU for observation for 4 hours. She knew this ahead of time so she was prepared because during this time they were suppose to be tying her tubes. Well the doctors didn't schedule her in so they told her that she would have to wait until Sunday. They left her epidural in. Sunday came and they still couldn't work her in. She finally told them she would have the procedure done somewhere else because if she waited for the operation it would have prolonged her hospital stay.

On top of the above they moved her out of the birthing suite on Saturday immediately after the baby went to NICU. She went to the 8th floor and it was after 7pm before she seen Madalynn and then it was only for 30 minutes. All was well with mom and babe except for the fact that they were seperated. They moved Melanie again on Sunday to the 3rd floor and finally Sunday night after 7pm baby and mom were united for good. Mom came home today with Madalynn.

I would have been livid with the way the hospital handled things. When I had my girls they didn't leave my room. No kidding. I refused. I even made the lab come to my room to take blood. I was also allowed to spend my entire stay in the birthing suite. I suggest when it comes your time ladies that you call these hospitals and find out what their precedures and policies are BEFORE delivery time comes. Melanie had no clue and now wishes that she has asked more questions. To me this is a time of celebration and mom shouldn't have been shuffled and treated so hostily. (There was so much more to this but it would get too long if I tried to share it all.)

Here are some pictures that I took. Notice the nurses hands on the top picture....no gloves. A nurse with gloves takes over below. The bottom pictures are her pictures after her bath and then her hospital pics. Again I say be prepared.

This was an incredible experience for me! I was so honored to be able to be there at the birth of her fifth and possibly last child. I will tell you all this, I left praising and thanking God. I am so filled with hope. Almost a certainty. It's indescribable. I have such a peace. I'm praying nothing other than God's will and He has given me incredible hope. I continue to pray for everyone of you. I pray that you experience this first hand.

DON'T GIVE UP. HAVE HOPE!!!!!!!!

Remember When

2009-01-19T21:12:00.004-05:00

I posted back in December that I was sewing costumes and the Lord told me He had plans for me but that He wasn't revealing them all just yet but that I would have many children? Well in church Sunday night our Pastor called me up and spoke word over me. It was confirmation of what He had shown me at Christmas. I hadn't shared it with anyone but you guys here on my blog.

I wish I could remember every precious word but the Pastor said, "The Lord sees your heart, your heart is so tender and so big. I see children all around you, children with brown hair, blonde hair, little children, older children, like stair steps all around you. The Lord says, He is going to use you to minister to them and pull them up and out of the mess." There was so much more but I can't recall every word. I just know I heard it from the Lord and had visions from Him in December and this confirmation, this reminder, was so needed!

I just want to give thanks to Him for showing me once again that the purpose that He has for me is so much more important than the one I had for myself. My vision is changing. My direction, my desire, my wants are changing direction. The same but different. I want to help these children, I want to shine Jesus for them. I want to be ready. I don't want one to suffer because I didn't take heed or prepare. I don't want to waste my life wanting something that isn't God's will.

Lord thank-You. Please Father, keep Your hand upon me and help to keep me focused. I love and praise You. Amen!

News!

2009-01-17T11:58:00.007-05:00

Well the havoc wreaking in my body finally stopped. Day 35, 36 and 37 I was feeling so much better. I was just glad the hormones settled and the torture was settled, well somewhat. On day 36 a new torture started. A new mind game. The one where hope begins, I mean really sets in, and I began to wonder, am I pregnant? I went back through all of my calendars, checked every cycle, how I was feeling. I paid close attention to things that were different. The number one thing that I noticed with my body is that my fluid never got dry. Day 37 I began to giggle with excitement, the thoughts were rolling and I'm just going to be honest here. I felt pregnant. I was ecstatic. I felt like a little girl at Christmas time. After 7 years, after 5 and 1/2 years of serious hard trying to conceive, here it was. I checked my calendar for December, I had to laugh because this baby was conceived either the day before or the day after Christmas and would be due somewhere around my birthday.

I got myself ready and Tony and I went to a revival. I hadn't been out of the house but twice in two weeks and those were by sheer force. I was ready to go and be fed.

What an awesome time we had! The Evangelist spoke from the scripture Zephaniah 3:14-17. My favorite verse was 3:17 The Lord your God is in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.

Can you imagine the Lord rejoicing over you with singing? What a beautiful picture. We worshiped and we praised the Lord. Hallelujah!

The next morning when I awoke there was the red stain.

And I rejoiced. Not exactly the news we were hoping for was it? The thoughts and despair tried so hard to overcome me but I just pictured the Lord singing over me and I praised Him that He was in control and He wasn't surprised or caught off guard, He could choose to open my womb or close it whatever He willed and I would rejoice in it!

I am a Daughter of the King! Sometimes I forget how incredibly special that is. I am here to lay down my life and pick up my cross and serve Him, share Him, praise Him and do as He wills for me. I would rather be in the wilderness with the Lord than to walk into a promised land without Him. Lord as long as I am with YOU I will go wherever You lead me. I never want to step away from you. I want my desires to be Your desires. I want your desires to be my desires. I want NOTHING without You!

So, I had a 37 day cycle this month. The first one ever that I know of. I am praying for the Lord to heal my body and I am commanding it to function perfectly as God created it to. And I'm trusting that the Lord knows exactly what He is doing, He knows exactly what my future holds and whatever He has in store for me, I will rejoice in.

No news

2009-01-16T01:53:00.002-05:00

At this point for me, that is good news. Today is day 38.

Checking In

2009-01-14T23:33:00.003-05:00

Mostly because I'm just beside myself with anxiety. I still haven't started my period. I have no clue whats going on. I try so hard not to think about it but of course it never leaves my mind. I have so much else going on too. My mil is having shoulder replacement next week and Sky is having surgery the 27th to remove a tooth that is ankelosed in her mouth. (A baby tooth never came in and grew to the bone in her face)

Have peace Jen.

They finally brought Aiden yesterday and he will be here until Friday. He's sleeping now, sweet little boy.

So.......almost day 37.

If you are reading, take a minute and post me a comment. I have no one irl that I can talk to and I'm a little lonely here. Thanks ladies. Oh, and if you haven't been here in a while scroll down and catch up. :)

Can We Say Self Centered?

2009-01-13T18:30:00.005-05:00

Boy did I have a pity party! I can't believe how you can know what is right so well and yet be so consumed and overtaken by what is wrong. The flesh is a strong thing. I think after the little fit of hysteria I threw yesterday I felt better. I wish it wasn't like that. I wish I could feel better without throwing the fit. There has got to be a different way of release for me. I don't know. I don't have all the answers I just know that I reached my maximum yesterday, I exploded and then I felt better.

Last night when I laid down in the bed I felt the strongest urge to begin reading a book that I had shelved sometime ago. I had Sky bring it to me and almost immediately I knew why the Holy Spirit led me to it.

I'm not going to share all the book is about I'm just going to share the scriptures.

Please don't skip this. Read slowly and absorb it, hear what it is speaking.

In Isaiah
The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, the leopard shall lie down with the young goat, the calf and the young lion and the fatling together, and a little child shall lead them. The cow and the bear shall graze; their young ones shall lie down together; and the lion shall eat straw like the ox. The nursing child shall play by the cobra's hole, and the weaned child shall put his hand in the viper's den. They shall not hurt nor destroy in all My holy mountain, for the earth shall be full of the knowledge of the Lord as the waters cover the sea.

How I long for that day! As I read the scripture I pictured the peace, the glorious peace. What a wonderful day it will be when we are set free from the flesh and dwell with our Father forever!!!

I read on. I know this is what the Lord was trying to remind me of.

Romans 8:14
For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, "Abba Father." The Spirit Himself bear witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs-heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified with together.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

The last part spoke volumes to me. IF INDEED I SUFFER WITH HIM, THAT I MAY ALSO BE GLORIFIED WITH HIM! TOGETHER! Lord I thank-You for this reminder. My suffering is NOTHING compared to His! NOTHING! Here I got so self consumed, feeling sorry for myself, forgetting the true purpose of my life.

Lord I just ask that You forgive me for losing direction. Forgive me for questioning You. Forgive me for not trusting the perfect plan that You have for me. Forgive me for being spoiled. Forgive me for being selfish and demanding my own way.

I know that many would say, it's ok Jeniliegh, it happens to all of us. But I'm here to say this kind of behavior is NOT ok. I am NOT a baby Christian I am mature and it's time I acted as such. There is no excuse for doing something that I know is wrong just because its easier. I'm thankful that my Father is always there to forgive me but that is NO excuse to continue down the same path. It's time to listen and obey. It's time to focus, it's time to pray, it's time to read God's word and be about HIS business and not my own.

What am I doing for Him? I mean really, am I witnessing? Who am I intercessing for? When is the last time I fasted? There are so many lost souls and I've wasted all this time thinking about me, praying for me, wanting my way. I've looked at life and everyone in it that the Lord has blessed and I've coveted. I've been jealous, I've allowed their happiness to make me miserable. Does this paint a picture of Christ? Far far from it. I've been a nasty spoiled rotten child.

No more.

No more.

No more.

I ask from the most sincere part of me that you continue to pray for my mother in law, my sister in law, Aiden and his mother in jail. I pray God's will be done in each one of their lives.

(P.S. Today is day 35, no sign of the red stain.)

Why Is It

2009-01-12T14:28:00.010-05:00

That pain makes for better writing than joy? Pain sends you to places that you never knew existed, and once you've visited, you pray you'll never have to return. Some how, you know that in this life once you've been you'll have to return. It doesn't matter how hard you try or how far you run. There is no place to hide from it. It always seeks you out and finds you.

Sometimes the hardest part is knowing its coming and not being able to stop it. Sometimes the hardest part is not seeing it as it blind sides you and knocks you off your feet. All the time the hardest part is being there, screaming, moaning, crying, begging and pleading to get out. Talking yourself through it, telling yourself that this too shall pass. You keep talking because you know if you don't you'll fall in that hole. You know, that one that the Lord delivered you out of.

Later, this won't seem so painful, the cut won't seem so deep, you'll pray that next time you have more strength. You'll have good days, good weeks, good months. You'll think its over, you'll think you have victory. Until it comes again.

Today is day 34. 34 for crying out loud. The last week has been HARD and that is an understatement. This has nothing to do with a child. This has to do with MY body. Feeling trapped inside of this thing that has control and right to torment me. Knowing the way things should be but FEELING the way things are.

The things that let me know that the red stain is coming are these.
1. Headache
2. Crying
3. I'm ill
4. My thinking changes and I become negative
5. Things get on my nerves, like little noises, chewing, music, or people not helping around the house
6. The fever blister (it isn't always big, sometimes it'll disappear, but it always comes, always.)

Monday last week (that WAS 7 days ago) I had the migraine. Whew, I was relieved actually. I like just getting it over with. Tuesday I cried, I mean I cried. See you don't understand, I cried. I cried all day over everything over nothing. Wednesday was a combo day, I cried some more. I even laughed because hey, this month was extreme, but I was ill too. Tony didn't like me very much and if the truth be told I really didn't like me either. Thursday I was ill. I was really ill, I spent the day fighting myself. I had to fight to control my temper. Sometimes I won and sometimes I lost. Friday I was still ill. I didn't want to leave my house. I just wanted the stain to come and go. I was so tired of this. Saturday the fever blister started. Well Hallelujah! Who would have ever thought that I would give praise for a fever blister. It's on my bottom lip and let me tell you, this baby is HUGE. Sunday I felt rotten, I stayed home, I'm beyond frustrated as it was day 33.

Today is day 34. Did I say that already? The real torment began when I woke this morning. I was tired and worn down. After seven days of fighting not only myself but my husband, I was just weak. The girls woke up arguing. I prayed and I prayed. I kept forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other. I prayed some more. Things eased for a bit. I was so thankful and then the phone rang.

My mother in law was suppose to be bringing baby Aiden today. I was so looking forward to seeing him, smelling him and taking care of him. For some reason, at this time of the month, he is like a healing salve to an open wound. My sister in law is down with her back. I figured she would be fine in letting me keep him. My mother in law was coming this way. But you know what happened?

My husband calls his sister to find out that she is tore up. I suppose she is full of pain pills to deal with her back. She decided not to send Aiden.

Why?

I mean you can't even talk, your speech is so slurred Tony is having trouble understanding you WHY! Why would you NOT send him? Oh, I see, your boyfriend can help with him, and when he goes to work your 14 year old son will be home. Why would you NOT want me to keep him? '

Then mother in law calls.

"Did you know Tammy was tore up?"
"Well, Tammy said she would be ok."
"Did you KNOW?"
"Well yes, her speech was slurred."
"You let her drive Aiden to her home?"
"Tammy said if she wasn't ok to drive that she would let me know."

I'll stop there. I'm not going to repeat the words I screamed at God, my husband, my mother in law and anyone else who would listen, or to no one at all, they just spewed out of me. I didn't know it was still there. I thought it was all gone. I thought I had dealt with it and moved on. And here I was back in the midst of all I had left behind.

Why? Why would she be given a son? Why? Tammy isn't clean, she has her jail buddies coming over and drinking. She has been diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder. I can't name all her meds, but pain meds mixed in with this. It may not be cocaine but its a dangerous mix. What if she'd wrecked? I wonder how Aiden spends his days? Alone with a zombied woman? Why did it have to be her? I see it in the world all the time. I know what a fallen place this is but did it have to be her? Did it HAVE to be in my face?

Where is my stain? Where are you?!!! What are you waiting on? For me to have a nervous breakdown?!?!?!?!?!?!

I went to the bathroom, I took out a pregnancy test, and I peed on the stupid stick.

Of course it read, NOT PREGNANT.

Of course it did.

Please pray for Aiden.

My Body is Screaming

2009-01-11T00:02:00.002-05:00

Start already!

UGH it's one of those long drawn out cycles. I had a headache on Monday, I cried all day Tuesday and Wednesday, and on Thursday and Friday I was just a biddy. Today I have this monster of a fever blister coming on my bottom lip.

Just come already will ya? Why continue to torture me?

My attitude sucks.

Time flies 2009 coming to an end

2008-12-31T01:34:00.001-05:00

Lately I just feel like time is zooming past in fast forward motion, ya know? Saturday we visited my mother in law and my sister in law asked me keep little Aiden. Remember him? He is almost 5 months now and so far she has done really well with the little fella.

I brought him home with me. We have all enjoyed him being here. I've learned (well remembered) how to do things with him in my lap and on my hip. Today while we did our school he sat in my lap and just listened to me while I read our history out loud. I actually read him to sleep. How precious he was laid over on my arm and chest snoozing away.

We've had many precious moments over the past few days. Laughs out loud, peeing on Sky, cooing and smiles, birdy kisses, dirty diapers and lots of baby talk. I've been joyful and thankful for every moment.

I was so proud of myself.

Tonight while we were watching the Sopranos (dh got the whole series for Christmas) there was a song playing in the back ground, it said something to the effect of, " I don't know where I'll be tomorrow." It played over and over through a couple of scenes. Aiden laid in my lap just smiling and playing and all of a sudden I was sort of HIT with the thought of where he'd be tomorrow. Tears came out of no where. Where will he be? Here?? My sister in law's?? Where will he be when he is almost 2 and his real mother gets out of prison??? Where will he be after that???

I had to remind myself that those were worries and that I had to cast my cares upon the Lord. It wasn't easy, but I prayed for God to protect him and I let it go. By force really. Choice I should say. I made the decision to let it go.

This month I noticed I was ovulating by the discharge (what is a kinder word for that? ) (fluid?) ok, by the fluid I was passing. It was somewhat difficult because for the last couple of months I've not paid attention, again, choice here. I've not checked my calendar and I've not counted days. Honestly, I was *wanting* to have relations with dh BEFORE I realized I was ovulating. I really was. So, I just tried to ignore the ovulation awareness I had going on and move past it, nonchalantly, so to speak.

Fat chance! Don't you know that dh must have sensed something because he actually asked me if I was ovulating. Man that bugged me. Yes, I told him, I suspected that I was. He thought I was skeeming. Well, at least I think he thought I was skeeming and that peeved me.

I wasn't, I really wasn't.

Of course that just sort of made things unnatural and with all that we've been through I know dh doesn't want the stress, the emotions or the hassle of *trying* again.

Neither do I.

Let's just say it was a tough few days for me.

I wonder if baby Aiden triggered something for me? But then I think, na, my body was ovulating Aiden or no Aiden. Maybe it was the combination?

The thoughts that whirl around in my head, the what ifs.

The hope.

"What are you crazy?" Seems that way sometimes.

"You really don't want this." The trouble, the finances, the time, the loss of freedom.

"It really doesn't matter what I want does it?" Nope, because wanting doesn't mean getting.

"What will be will be."

Then I got tired and bound it all up and cast it aside. I remain content with what my Lord has in store for me, I just got thrown a curve ball.

Whew!!! I feel better now. Honestly I do. I don't like dealing with all that. It's much easier moving on.

I'm on the move.

How I'm Really Doing

2008-12-21T23:47:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I've spoken of my infertility and how I'm dealing with doing *nothing* in terms of procedures and infertility treatments.

I've gotten on with my life and I've sought the face of my Father like never before. Everyday I pray that He help me to die to my flesh. to my desire, that I may fulfill the plan that He has for me instead. I want what He wants no matter what. He is my master and I His servant and I love Him, oh how I love Him.

The last few weeks have been incredibly busy. My brother was in a horrid accident and I spent the week running, helping and praying for him. The following week was last minute preparations for the Christmas Play that I have helped with this year. I have to say that over the last couple of months I've jumped in head first with the youth at our church. If any of you knew me personally you'd know that this was a big step for me. Committing to something so big outside of my home isn't something I usually do. There were a few attacks but I prayed through and the Lord strengthened me giving me a spirit of might and I pressed on to the finish line.

Saturday I sewed costumes for 3 and 1/2 hours. I was amazed as I am not a very talented seamstress. As I worked it became obvious to me that it was not *I* who was working but the Holy Spirit working through me. I was doing some amazing things that I knew I didn't know how to do. As this revelation hit me I began to pray in the spirit as I sewed. As I prayed the Lord spoke to me, ever so softly, ever so gently, about my womb and my desire for children. As He spoke the tears streamed down my face.

What a glorious feeling, what a wonderful, unexplainable experience.

The Lord told me that He had plans for me. Plans that He couldn't totally reveal just yet but that I was on the right track. He is going to give me children. He is actually in the process, as I sewed and worked with these youth, of doing just that. He showed me faces of those that I would help and minister to and He told me it was much much larger than what I was seeing. He allowed me to see myself, the kind of wife and mother I am, and a picture of my life from the outside looking in.

It was at this moment that I realized if my womb were opened my work at church would be done for another season. With a babe in my womb my ministry would change as I would have to revert back to my home in the way I knew the Lord would want me to. There is no way that I could be in the ministry with these youth AND be the kind of mother I need to be to a baby. I pour my all into my family, as I should. It's biblical to put the Lord first, your family second and then the ministry.

Instead of blessing me with one child to raise He is going to give me many children to share the love of Christ with now.

Today at the Christmas Play some of what the Lord had spoken to me began to unfold. At the beginning of the play as the children walked into the sanctuary there was a little girl in tears, too afraid to walk alone, who needed me to carry her. With her on my hip I seen a little boy fighting with two other boys and they were holding up the line. I had that little boy come and hold my other hand. As I marched onto that stage, I was not alone, but in fact *with* two children. I cannot explain the peace that I felt.

Towards the end of the play there was a different little girl who began to cry, I squatted down to see what was wrong. She needed to be held. I sat down on the stage as I cradled this precious little girl and then here came another. I held one and wrapped my left arm around the other little girl and then here came the little boy who was fighting earlier. We bowed our heads and prayed. My quiver was full. These children were bonding with me in a way that I had not seen or realized before. They call me by name. They feel safe in my arms.

Some of the children in our church are bused in. Their parents aren't serving the Lord, some are very poor, some are on drugs and there are some who are abusing their children. There are several sets of parents in our church who have adopted some of these children. They haven't had to go through typical adoption agencies because some of these children's parents have just chosen to give them up. There are two families that come to mind right off, but there are many more, two of the children are older now and are living testimonies of God's healing power. Three others are just 3, 4, and 5 years old and are having extreme behavioral problems from the horrid abuse that they have suffered from their biological home, I praise God that they've been adopted to a safe Christian home and that they are members at our church. The Lord has called me to intercess and stand in the gap for them because He has a call on their lives.

I'm not saying that I believe I'll never have another child naturally. I'm saying that I have peace with whatever the Lord has planned for my womb because I know I am doing what He has called me to do. I know that no matter what happens the Lord fully intends to surround me with children who need Him. I truly want His will to be done. His dreams for me are bigger than any dream I've ever had for myself. It's not about ME, it's all about HIM. And I can't wait to experience all that He has in store for me!

Shalom

Our New Homeschool Blog

2008-12-18T01:22:00.000-05:00

Kingdom Academy is up and running. Please stop by and see the new design!

How is everyone?

2008-12-09T19:14:00.000-05:00

Not any change here. I've updated *life* so to speak at Jenileigh's Journey but as far as infertility goes we've placed it in God's hands completely for now. So.... its kind of boring with no procedures and no information to blog about. I just wanted to check in and let you all know I'm still here. I'm still reading. I'm still praying.

Big hugs!

Are You Ready for Thanksgiving?

2008-11-19T11:47:00.000-05:00

I am! I am so excited! We will be having a three day celebration! On Thanksgiving day we are celebrating at my mom and dad's, Friday will be at my oldest daughter's fiance's house, and Saturday will be at my mother in law's. I love this time of year! And the best part is that I don't have to cook! :) Although I will probably cook a turkey and small thanksgiving related feast a week or so later. It's one of our favorite meals! I love turkey, dressing, gravy and sweet potatoes with brown sugar, butter and toasted marshmallows. I always put my gravy over my marshmallows. Most people think that is gross but oh my!! MMMmmmm it's delicious! :)

I have been checking in on everyone and continuing to pray. I posted a good post over on Jenileigh's Journey about trusting in the Lord and His plan,even when it makes NO sense to us.

And...I have a new blog up about our homeschooling journey that you can check out at Kingdom Academy. I have someone working on a new blog design for me now and I can't wait to see it!

Much love!
~Jenileigh

I started on Monday

2008-11-13T01:43:00.000-05:00

and I didn't even cry or have a smidgen of regret but boy has it been heavy. I've felt like dookie. Fur real! :) I'm staying busy, schooling our hearts away, cooking, cleaning, painting, church plays, shopping...hardly time to think straight. Tonight it felt so good just to listen to the quiet...well the quiet with the hamster running in her cage...it's almost 2 and that's gonna kill me in the morning!

If any of you have ever considered homeschooling you have just got to check out My Father's World take the time to read about them and their incredible ministry of translating the bible into other languages. What a great cause to support. Their curricula is life changing too. God is so good.

I'm still checking on and praying for all of you!!

I've Been So Good

2008-10-28T00:16:00.000-05:00

You know ever since I've made the decision to move on life has just been lighter. I'm smiling and living and thinking about things other than taking my temps and knowing what day it is. I didn't think it would be this easy to move on, but I'm glad it has. It feels like its been a lifetime but in reality its only been 2 weeks. I've been seeking the Lord and asking Him to guide my steps and reveal some of His plan for me. I'm finally to this place where I'm ready for anything. I want His will in my life and not my desires. It has been a prayer of mine for some time and I'm happy to have arrived.

One thing the Lord has been dealing with me on is reading my bible. I read a lot of books, study books by others who have read the word and what they have gleaned from it, daily verses and studies that way but not just opening the word of God and spending that quality time in it you know?

So....the night before last, the house was all settled, much as it is tonight. Everyone sleeping and me, up, not sleepy, and enjoying the temporary silence. So I decided to read the bible. Strangely enough my bible was missing from my bedside. I have several, I keep one in my bible book bag, two by my bed (a KJV and the message) and more in my living room. Well the two I usually kept by my bedside were no where to be found, so I go into my living room to choose one from the shelf. I come across a bible I use to love, one that has commentary from Max Lucado. I bring it back to bed and I pray, asking the Lord to lead me in where to read. I allowed the bible to fall open and I began to read....

I couldn't believe my eyes, what? You've got to be kidding me right? No, I'm afraid not...

I was on the first page of Samuel.

Now you've got to understand something, over the last 5 years I have been in many different churches and services where Hannah was preached. I've been in services where it was spoken over the congregation that any women in the house struggling to conceive would conceive, DO NOT DOUBT, it is coming. I have read Samuel many times, 1st and 2nd. I even went through a period of time that I thought I would actually name my son (if I ever had one) Samuel because it means that I asked God for him. So it was incredibly ironic to me that on this night of all nights, in this time of all times that I would open my bible to this particular scripture.

I began to pray, and I asked God, "What in the world are You trying to tell me Lord?" I laughed out loud. I then spoke to myself and I told myself I said, "Jen, you are in a good place, you are feeling joy and your family is loving having you home, you are NOT going to allow yourself to return and go back down this road. Your Father loves you and would never tempt you, mock you or hurt you, He only wants what is best for you and He is trying to tell you something, so read and don't think too much."

Well that isn't so easy to do but I began reading.

Twice in the first part, the thing that caught my attention was, "The Lord had closed her womb." Twice, I read that.

"Yes Lord, I see, You have closed my womb. Satan isn't robbing me, You are the giver of life and death and You have chosen to close my womb." Wow, I had peace with that. I was actually glad to realize that it truly was the Lord and not the deceiver. I don't have to fight this battle any longer.

I kept reading. The commentary was about not giving up on your prayers. Persistence, persuing continually, no matter how long it takes, pressing in. "God are you wanting me to stay steadfast in this prayer?" I'm not so sure. I didn't feel strongly one way or the other so, I kept reading.

I get to the part where the Lord speaks to Samuel and Samuel not recognizing the voice of God goes to Eli and asked what he wanted. Eli replied, I did not call you. The Lord speaks to Samuel a second time, and Samuel again thinking that Eli had called him rose and asked Eli what he wanted. Again Eli replied, I did not call you. The Lord speaks to Samuel a third time and again Samuel thinks its Eli and again Eli tells Samuel he has not called for him. Eli realizes at this time that it is God who is calling Samuel and he instructs Samuel to reply to the voice of God, "Speak Lord, for Your servant hears."

The Lord gave Samuel some prophecy for Eli about his sons because Eli's sons were vile and Eli had not properly restrained them. Samuel did not want to give the prophecy to Eli because it was so bad. The Lord said their sin could not be atoned for. Eli told Samuel not to hide anything from him or more would come upon him. So Samuel told Eli.

I stopped here and I began to think and pray. I really felt strongly in my spirit that the Lord was trying to speak to me. Much in the same way that He was Samuel, and I like Samuel am not recognizing Him.

So friends, I'm asking you to help me pray. Pray that I will hear and recognize what it is the Lord is trying to tell me. Ask the Lord to reveal it to me, to open my heart, my eyes and my ears that I will not miss it or be turned aside or confused.

I'm excited. Not because I believe its about having a child, but because the Lord is trying to show me something and I want to please Him. I want to be used of Him. I long to please Him. Asking for nothing other than His will for my life.

Speak Lord for your servant hears!

Checking In

2008-10-21T20:08:00.000-05:00

I wanted you all to know I'm reading your blogs, I just haven't had the time to comment them all. I am praying hard that the Lord open and bless your wombs this month! Hugs friends.

I just want everyone to know I'm ok

2008-10-13T10:43:00.000-05:00

I'm happy to announce that in addition to Beth discovering she has conceived, Carrie and Sarah have also conceived and I want all of you to know that I am rejoicing for each one of you! This is big news! Three of my bloggy friends in one month! Hallelujah!

I am in prayer for Alesha and Elaine. I'm praying this is both of your months!!! I pray that the Lord open your wombs and bless you both with many children!

Things at home are changing again for me. This year we had put Sky and Meadow in Christian school to give me a break so that I could focus on the process of trying to conceive. I just felt my moods were so unpredictable that it would be best for everyone. This month though things just weren't working out at the Christian School. They have placed Meadow in the wrong grade and she is bored stiff and Sky was having problems with bullies among other things. The Pastor stepped and took care of the situation, he done a fabulous job, I could not have asked for the situations to have been taken care of any better than what he did. Even though, after we met with the Pastor and other parents of some of the other kids, Tony and I have decided that it is just not the right thing for our girls at this time.

So....I am homeschooling them again. Meadow is back in second grade and loving her learning once again and Sky is simply so relieved to not have to deal with all the drama any longer.

You'll be able to find me at Jenileigh's Journey, if I am scarce around here. I'll check in on you gals each week but not daily as I was doing before this week. My prayers for you will continue to go up DAILY though. I love you all very much and I appreciate each one of you being here for me more than you'll ever know. I'm not leaving just sort of moving on for now, you know?

Yesterdays sermon was on changing seasons. I'm not ready to change. I don't want to give up on having another child, but if this isn't the plans of my Father then who I am to question and fight this. If He chooses to bless me with a child He'll just have to surprise me! :)

I am going to try to begin a new journey for myself. One that doesn't include the thoughts of "What if I get pregnant." I've not even taken ibuprofen for pain or headaches because I had read it could prevent conception. I'm just tired of being controlled by it. I'm going on a diet. I am exercising. I am going to do something for myself. I've lost me somewhere along the way and I need to find who I am aside from just being a mom and desiring to mother more children.

I'm teaching 8 & 9 year olds on Wednesday nights at church and I have been asked to help with Children's Church on Sundays, I'm stepping out to busy myself with the works of the Lord. I've spent the last 5 years plus just running in place.

So, I'm not leaving! I love you all! I'm just moving on, and I hope to see you all over at Jenileigh's Journey!!

May God open the heaven's and pour out life into your wombs!!!

Day 29

2008-10-11T08:04:00.000-05:00

Last month when the red stain showed I found myself naked on my knees in the shower with scalding hot water pouring on my back, in the dark, while I cried out to God with moans that came from the depths of my soul.

Pain.

Sometimes its so hard to bear.

The door opened and closed, I heard the shower curtain pull back, and my husband stepped in and slid down in the floor, into my darkness with me.

He wanted me to know I wasn't alone.

My oldest daughter is getting married in May.

My middle daughter is turning 13 in December.

My youngest daughter is 7.

I turned 37 last month.

This week my husband, Tony, asked me to wait until today to do a pregnancy test and he asked that we do it together. I don't know why that makes it harder but it does. It's sort of something I've always done alone. Sometimes it feels better to be alone so that you can deal with pain.

I peed in the cup and dipped the test in for 20 seconds. This month I purchased the digital kind that simply reads, "Pregnant or Not Pregnant." No games, no lines, no guessing.

As we laid together in the bed that I had climbed back into surrounding myself with mounds of comfort in my blankets, he asked me if we could pray. Yes, I told him, we can pray. He laid the test aside and He asked the Lord to hear our cry, to answer our prayer.

It touched my heart.

This month was a faith month for me. I've spoken life over my womb almost everyday. Here is a copy of a post that I saved in a draft on day 20.

I just have to confess this, I feel pregnant. I can't explain it but my stomach is feeling anything but normal. I know I'm over analyzing every feeling I'm having but I just had to say it! I feel pregnant!

As I laid in bed listening to my husband cry out to God for us, deep inside, I knew the answer already. I knew it yesterday when I purchased the test. I knew it was pointless but I had to carry on through the motions.

He lifted the test and we read.

Not Pregnant.

Our finances are drained. We aren't going forward with another month. I would if I had the money. I would go to the ends of the earth, no matter what the procedure and no matter what the cost if I could. We just don't have the sources. I will spend the next year or better paying for the treatments we have already had.

I know in my head all I have to be thankful for. But in the moments of despair I do feel as though God hates me.

I read that.

I read it again and I know how untrue it is. I know nothing could be further from the truth. I know His love for me is so great that He sent His Son to die on that old rugged cross to save my soul.

I have prayed for His will to be done and no matter what that is I have to be willing to accept it and move on.

I am most positive in the tomorrows to come I will find joy.

Meadow just came up behind me, clueless as to what I am going through, put her little arms around me, and said,

"Mommy?"

Yes Meadow.

"I love you."

I love you too Meadow.

Those are the sweetest words and I praise God that I get to hear them.

Today, I will have to go through the motions.

I need to focus so that I can Breathe.

Just breathe.

edited to add~
Have you seen this? You'll need to scroll to the bottom of my page and stop my playlist before watching.

Day 25

2008-10-07T19:24:00.000-05:00

I thought I was one day ahead. I really have nothing to report. Honestly after having that horrid yeast infection and that deadly virus I can't tell what is normal or what isn't in my body. So today, my body is just recuperating. It'll be Friday, I'm sure, before I know anything. I just wanted to stop by and say hello!

So, Hello!

Day 22

2008-10-04T09:32:00.000-05:00

I called my RE and was told it probably is a yeast infection. I started Monistat and do have relief, praise God!

Someone asked me if I were on progesterone. My RE didn't prescribe it, for some reason my nurse told me that they didn't prescribe it unless you were on injectables. From my reading on the subject I do believe it would benefit me and I did try to get them to prescribe it for me and when they wouldn't I ordered a tube from Nature's Sunshine and I've been using that. It's all natural progesterone. I don't believe the yeast infection is a result of that because you don't start the progesterone until 2 days after ovulation, and for me that was two days after my IUI and the symptoms of the yeast infection were already present Saturday and Sunday before beginning the progesterone. Thank-you for the suggestion though, I didn't know that these could be side effects from progesterone and the more awareness we have the better. This is why I post every symptom, side effect, treatment and gory detail here. :)

My RE also said that because I had a smaller follicle there was a possibility that it had turned into a cyst and this could result in strong pulling in my ovary. Thankfully the pulling has ceased and prayerfully there is no cyst.

Yesterday at 6 a.m. I woke up with the absolute worst stomach ache (in the top of my stomach) that I have ever had in my entire life. I had some kind of horrid virus, and spent the day aching in bed and running trips to the bathroom with diarrhea and vomiting. I didn't have a fever but I broke a sweat every time I had to go to the bathroom. It didn't ease until late last night and I'm grateful its over. I wouldn't wish this stuff on anyone.

I want to thank each of you for your comments, they mean more to me than you could know. Just knowing you aren't alone eases the journey for me so much.

Hopefully only 5 more days to wait, if we decide to do injectables I have to order them on day 27 to make sure they are here by day 28. I'm still undecided if we are going to use them or not though.

Keep praying for a positive test!!!!!!!!

Day 20

2008-10-02T22:00:00.001-05:00

I just have to confess this, I feel pregnant. I can't explain it but my stomach is feeling anything but normal. I know I'm over analyzing every feeling I'm having but I just had to say it! I feel pregnant!

Day 19

2008-10-01T21:12:00.000-05:00

I was trying so very hard not to update until the first week was down, which isn't until this Friday....but I check here almost everyday and its hard not to post!

I'm doing so so. Emotionally I'm fine, but my body feels weird. I have had a crampy/achy sort of feeling, like a pulling on my left side almost constantly since my IUI. It's not over bearing or anything just present, sometimes it feels like its gently throbbing, if there is such a thang. Sometimes I feel it on my right side too, but mostly its on my left. Today was really only day 5 after my IUI so from what I'm reading this is common.

The other thing, (and this is getting really personal so if you don't want to read about something gross quit reading here!!!) I've had an irritation *down there* since the procedure. At first I just thought I was just a little sore, but then I started burning lightly, and I was very red and sensitive, I thought it was normal but here 5 days later, I have a slight discharge (no smell) its milky, (I know, wayyy TMI) and I'm very raw inside and out of me, very itchy, and I have a hard time wiping myself because I'm so raw.

From my experience with things like this, and I have very little let me inform you, I think its a yeast infection but I'm not comfortable using something that I have to put inside of me, I mean, especially if I were pregnant, you know? I should have called my RE today but I dread the call, so I pushed it off thinking it would just get better but tonight I realize, ummmm that ain't happening. So tomorrow I'm going to call them and see what they say.

If you all want to share your experiences please feel free to talk with me in my comment section. Right now I need someone who's been there! Ya know?

I still have 9 more days and it feels like years away and yet at the same time I want it to take its time. Sometimes hoping you are is better than knowing you aren't. Of course I'm having faith that I am right now!! I'm praying it's my Father's will. Lord let it be so.

So...come on ladies, don't leave me hanging, what's going on with me?

I'm home

2008-09-26T13:51:00.000-05:00

Whew, its over. Today the office was very busy. I have never been in there when it was that active. It was also the first time I've ever seen other hubbys in too. We had to wait forever. Dh and I had decided to collect the specimen there in the office. We just had to much fear that something would happen to stop us from getting it there on time if had to travel it there. That is the worst part I do believe and dh and I both agree that if there has to be a next time, it won't be in the office.

I was very anxious/nervous whatever the right word would be. The anticipation is the worse part, plus not knowing what is going to happen or how. I had this fear trying to creep in that dh's specimen would not be good or that they would have an accident with it and kill em all. Having to wait so long didn't help this at all. Dh was calm, he spent the day soothing and encouraging me. He was so handsome with his big ole smile.

When they finally took me back, (I was glad that dh decided to stay and go with me) I was so afraid it was going to hurt or that she would have trouble getting through my cervix and would damage and scar me somehow. Can we say, "Crazy Thoughts!" The speculum was the worst part and she had to situate it a couple of times. This was VERY uncomfortable. The catheter didn't go through the *curve* of my cervix the first time so she had to remove it and bend the end. The second time she got it to go through with no trouble. I had some very minor cramping. I was just relieved it didn't hurt worse than it did.

Dh and I felt very good when we left the office. When I took him back to his truck and we said our goodbyes, I said, "I love you" and he said,"I love you too, or should I say I love ya'll." How sweet was that? So for the next 14 days we are speaking life into my womb in the name of Jesus!

I'll be checking in soon. Thank-you for all of your prayers! I'm looking forward to saying the sweetest words *I'm pregnant!* very very soon!

Late Thursday Night

2008-09-25T22:16:00.000-05:00

I wasn't going to post anything, I went to bed earlier and fell asleep hard and then woke up. I couldn't go back to sleep so I came here. I've been incredibly...what is the word? I don't want to say nervous because I'm not shaky or anything, but I'm sort of anxious maybe? Excited too.

I took my shot last night, easy peasy. I know this sounds weird but I actually enjoy that part. (It must come from my childhood dream of becoming a nurse, ya think?) I have had some incredibly intense ovulation cramps on my left side and vaguely on my right. They were deep and went down into my leg. When standing I felt like it was pulling so I was much more comfortable lying down.

Today I began to pass the beginning stages of the stretchy cervical mucous. I was so glad because because the Clomid took this away. Tomorrow should be THE day of ovulation. I'm pretty sure from all the signs that are there, I'm lightly ill and have a slight headache. I'm always a grouch when I'm ovulating. I really like the Femara, alot. Soooo much better than the Clomid.

Oh and my birthday is coming up. I'll be 37 on Sunday. No special plans this week with the Dr.s appointment tomorrow and dh having to take 1/2 a day of work off to be with me. We are planning to celebrate next weekend. I want him to take me to see the new Richard Gere and Diane Lane movie called, "Nights in Rodanthe."

My girlfriend Kimmie wants to take me to the movies on Sunday, for a girls day out, to see, "The Women" with Meg Ryan among many other stars. I watched the trailer for it today and I'm looking forward to it. It looks really funny and I need to laugh!

Well, I guess I'll update tomorrow after the procedure. I'm praying it goes well with little to no pain and no bleeding, and that dh has a good healthy count, great motility and morphology. I covet your prayers!!

Cycle 3, Day 12

2008-09-24T14:38:00.000-05:00

I went in today for my sonogram. I had one mature follicle measuring 18mm by one side and 20mm by the other. She said they measure it from 3 different views. I had no clue. This follicle was, like last month, from the left ovary. I was always under the impression that you ovulated from the right one month and the left the next. My right ovary doesn't really seem to be responding to any of the medicines that we have tried. I did have another follicle that measured somewhere around 12mm on the left side but she didn't seem to think it would amount to anything.

I asked her about giving me the prometrium this cycle but she said she didn't think it was warranted because I didn't have enough follicles. So I picked up my shot of Ovidrel and I have to take it tonight at 11:00pm.

We go in Friday at 10:30am for our first IUI. I'm a little nervous about the whole thing. I just never in my life dreamed that I would be experiencing the things we are going through or doing the things we are doing to have a child. I am very thankful that we have been able to do these treatments though. Even if I don't conceive I'll know we done all we could. I won't have any regrets.

So I guess the future plan, if this cycle isn't successful, is to move on to Bravelle. At this point we are still on go for it. The nurse I seen today (Paula must have been off) was Carolyn, and she really encouraged me to go forth with the Bravelle and she helped me feel more calm and less fearful about the decision. She seemed to believe that my body would respond much better to Bravelle than it has to Clomid and Femera.

Of course if cycle 4 isn't successful we are taking a break.

Thank-you for your prayers. I am full of hope and excitement.

(edited to add this definition of IUI, that I copied from Beth's blog, I linked her in the post below. I needed this here so that I could refer back to it.)

IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) is commonly refered to as artificial insemination. Here is the definition I found on WebMD...

Intrauterine insemination (IUI) is the placing of sperm into a woman's uterus when she is ovulating. This is achieved with a thin flexible tube (catheter) that is passed into the vagina, through the cervix, and into the uterus.
IUI can use sperm from the male partner or a donor. It is often combined with superovulation medication to increase the number of available eggs.

My Blogger Friend has Conceived!!!

2008-09-23T17:19:00.000-05:00

I just want to praise God that Beth at Not Patiently Waiting on #2 just found out that her treatments worked and she is carrying her second child! What wonderful, blessed news! Hallelujah!

I just have to say, I'm so excited! I go in the morning for my sonogram, so please keep me in your prayers. I'll be back to let you know how it goes.

Wooohoooo!!!!

Great Post on Infertility

2008-09-18T23:49:00.000-05:00

I came across this just now as I was hunting and searching for other infertility blogs and it hit home probably harder than any other post I've read in a long long while. Read it here at All You Who Hope. It's called Infertility Myth Busting and its good stuff.

And here is some scripture I found at another blog. I do believe its the first time I've read this but not completely sure...

Psalms 113

1Praise the Lord!
Praise, O servants of the Lord,
praise the name of the Lord!

2 Blessed be the name of the Lord from this time forth and forevermore!

3 From the rising of the sun to its setting,
the name of the Lord is to be praised!

4 The Lord is high above all nations,
and his glory above the heavens!

5 Who is like the Lord our God,
who is seated on high,

6 who looks far down
on the heavens and the earth?

7 He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap,

8 to make them sit with princes,
with the princes of his people.

9 He gives the barren woman a home,
making her the joyous mother of children.

Praise the Lord!

Updated to say that I have read this Psalms before and it was on my friends Alesha's blog, On the Outside Looking In.

I'm good

2008-09-16T23:10:00.000-05:00

and I'm glad. I was so not good on days 28, 29 and 30 but today I have felt refreshed and energized. I've thought a lot about how wanting another child has been such a huge focus for me and how I don't like who I become each month. I've spent a lot of time looking at the three daughters that I do have and thanking and praising God for them. I've spent a lot of time wondering if I really want another child that badly IF it isn't God's will. Up until this point inside I believe I've wanted a child no matter what God's will for me is and that can be dangerous. So I'm praying for the Lord to help align me in His will and asking Him to strengthen me and lead me in this.

Ok, yesterday I went and took the class to learn how to give myself the injectables. Easy enough. My nurse Paula (did I say I LOVE her?) encouraged me to try a cycle of Femara this month, starting last night since it was day 3 for me. I go back in on the 24th for the sonogram to see if there are any follicles. Then of course I'll proceed with the Ovidrel. I'm going to ask about taking the progesterone like they give you when you take injectables and will probably do one IUI this month if all else lines up as it is suppose to.

If that doesn't work then we are praying about the injectables. I will use Bravelle if we go forth with it. I've been doing a lot of reading and that can be scary. I wouldn't mind twins at all, but triplets or more concerns me. Of course I would want them but can I truly care for them?

And then there is always the chance that injectable won't work at all. That would be devasting. Because at the end of that cycle I would have to wait a long while before being able to afford another cycle. We'll spend a lot to time paying off this bill.

So for now that is where I stand.

Can I say that it feels good to feel good? I wish I could feel this good throughout my entire cycle each month.

Thank-you all for the kind comments. They really blessed my heart. I'd gotten really lonely here the last week or so when my emotions were up in the air, I didn't realize how much I'd come to depend on your support in such a short time. Thank-you. A few words go a long way. :)

The waiting is over

2008-09-13T12:36:00.000-05:00

It came today.

The red stain.

Day 29

2008-09-13T01:51:00.000-05:00

The days seem to drag along. My thoughts are being haunted by whispers of "This is never going to happen for you." I'm casting them down in the name of Jesus but crying all the while.

I'm not emotional. Even though I cry it isn't an emotional cry, its anger, its frustration. I just want to be able to conceive.

I watched Baby Mama tonight. It was ok. Not what I thought it would be.

The waiting is so monotonous. I feel so alone, even here in blogoshere, I feel alone.

I have one pregnancy test left. I've entertained the thought of taking it and just getting it over with but I'm crampy and showing so many signs of the stain coming that I'm trying to get myself to save it for better times, not to mention I need to save the $$.

I have until Thursday to wait, at the latest that is. I have had several 34 day cycles this year. So.... 5 or 6 more days or less. Who knows??

Day 28

2008-09-11T22:30:00.000-05:00

Here I am.

Waiting.

I can say I really think I'm getting ready to see the red stain. I have all the classic signs including the cramping. Oh and my temperature dropped below my coverline on day 24 and this morning day 28. I had read online that one drop a few days well before your stain is due is a good sign and can be a sign of implantation. I was really excited. BUT when it dropped below my coverline again today, I pretty much know its a sign of my stain. I think the biggest thing keeping me from sinking is knowing our plan for next month or the month after. However my cycle falls.

I spoke with my nurse at my RE's office today and if I see the red stain tomorrow, Saturday or Sunday we are going to forego any treatment this month.

IF it holds off until Monday we are going to be aggressive this cycle.

If not I will begin treatment again NEXT month.

(If indeed I am not with child now.)

I have an appointment on Monday either way to go in for a session to learn how to give myself injectables. I'm not sure which one they will use for me yet, I believe they will do another test to determine this.

Basically I'll do either Clomid or Femera. I'm undecided on which one to use The draw back being the emotions I experienced the first two months on it. The clomid did work well for me and my lining was nice and thick. I do sort of have a question looming in the back of mind wondering if the Femera works as good as the Clomid. I would appreciate any opinions you may have about these two.

Then I would do injectables along with the Ovidrel shot after finding the mature follicles, oral progesterone and finally one IUI. I inquired about 2 IUI's but she says that in their office they only recommend one because they use to do 2 and didn't see a higher conception rate with 2.

This aggressive cycle will probably drain us financially as low as we can allow ourselves to go for now. So if it isn't successful I will give my body several months off and wait for tax time while praying dh can sell his motorcycle.

Well, that's about it for now.