Closing the Red Stain

I am beginning to blog again at Jennifer's Journey so please join me there. I just can't see a reason to continue to blog here. I would like to merge The Red Stain into Jennifer's Journey but I'm not sure how to do this. If anyone has advice here I'd greatly appreciate it.

Oh Dear, it's been a while

Sorry about that. To be honest....I've just felt horrible. I haven't felt good enough to write or read. I've been battling some major irritability and well....depression. I HATE to say that, admit it. I have felt so bad. Muscle aches, hurting in my joints. I was convinced it was my thyroid.

Finally, after two batches of blood work it was discovered that I have a severe Vitamin D deficiency.

I was SO glad when they found this. I do believe my dh and my doctor thought that I was on the verge of having some sort of breakdown. I know I sure felt like I was losing my mind but I knew there was something wrong with me and that it wasn't all in my head. It was just so hard getting others to believe me...until they found it. My have I been rejoicing!

Heaven is doing well. She was 24 weeks today. And guess what?? Guess what we found out at her sonogram? I should have shared already and I thought about it countless times but I was surely convinced I'd cry though the whole thing just as I've done almost every day for the last while so I didn't.

Heaven is having................

a baby boy!

Can you imagine?

How sweet God is.

I've prayed all these years for a son. Even year before last I was trying so hard to conceive and now just a mere 2 years later I'm getting a grandson. I'm so happy. There just aren't any words to express.

My brother and his fiance just had a baby boy on Monday. They named him Derron Valor. He is BEAUTIFUL. I'm not exaggerating either. He is BEAUTIFUL. Oh, it was so awesome to hold him and breath in his newborn scent. Nothing in the world beats that.

Here he is:

It was a bittersweet day. We arrived at the hospital around 7:30 am and awaiting his birth which came quickly. He was born by c-section around 8:00 am. After we seen him and took his gorgeous pictures we went upstairs on a different floor in the hospital where my sweet precious grandmother was. I had visited her on Friday too and I hadn't seen her since Christmas. She fussed at me for being slack and not coming sooner. (I just couldn't, I was so emotional and going through so much mentally that I couldn't bare to see her or poppa in the state/shape they were in.) On Monday when we all went up she called us each by name and hugged us. I was the last one. Everyone else had left the room already. She asked me for a hug. I kissed on her cheek because she had an oxygen mask hooked up to her and lots of wires and things. She said, "No, I didn't say a kiss, I said I wanted a hug." I hugged her and she said, "I want a good hug." So I reached around all the garb and hugged her precious neck so tight. She said, "Now that was a good hug!" Then she told me just as she had the rest of the family that was there to see her that day that she was tired and wanted to be left alone. She said, "I'm going to take me a nap."

"Okay Nannie, you sleep and we'll bring the baby up in just a little bit to see you." I told her. She shook her head okay.

We went back down to the birthing center and went in to see my brother's fiance and new son. It hadn't been 10 minutes when they came to tell us that she had passed away.

We had her funeral on Wednesday. It was a long day. Full of sorrow and yet full of comfort and joy.

The hardest part was seeing my pa. He and my nannie would have been married 65 years on July 6th. Can you imagine spending 65 years with someone and then having to watch them die before you? His pain broke my heart.

I knew nannie was ready to go and I knew she was suffering. I was able to let her go with a sigh of relief that she wouldn't have to fight for another breath.

It's been an emotional time. I'll catch up with you ladies soon. If I cross your mind please keep me and my family in your prayers.

Thanks

A Different Place

Today I was reading back through my blog.

Two years.

It's a long time and yet 2 years isn't long at all.

For me,  last year is almost an eternity ago.

I can't believe the place I was in. It's so easy to forget the pain. Reading my own words is like looking into someone else's life.

I'm so thankful that I started this blog. I'm so thankful that I can go back and read where I was and what I went through. I'm so thankful that the Lord has healed me and brought me to a new place.

I'm thankful that I have met each of you. SO many of you now have a baby! I think,  if I'm counting right only 3 of you are still waiting. A few of you are on your journeys to #2. I continue to pray for all of you, that every family will have as many children as they want.

May the New Year of 2010 bring more answered prayers and God richly bless each of you!

Missing Blog Friend

You know who you are.

Please send me an e-mail.

When I visited your page and you were no longer there I cried.

Lost out there in cyber space realizing that there is absolutely no way I can find you or contact you, now that you are gone, unless by some happenstance you stop by here and see this cry and that you'll respond.

Please know that I'm praying for you, I love you and the thought of never hearing from you again makes me sick.

You hang in there friend.

BIG HUGS

Sleepless Nights

I am SO off schedule. Up all night and sleep all day. It makes me feel even worse physically but this morning I'm thankful that spiritually I feel whole, right and awake! I was reading in God's word and He gave me this just now.....

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us! Romans 5:6-8 NIV

I love this, I see in this verse that I didn't have to be good enough for God to love me, that I've done NOTHING to deserve His free gift. I've been justified by HIS blood and saved from God's wrath through HIS Son! I was powerless before, but through Jesus Christ I am righteous and powerful! 

This wasn't something that I didn't know before, just something that I needed reminded of. Thanks Lord, I needed to hear this, this sleepless morn! I thought that maybe you did too?!  

Ironic

My life is so like Alanis Morissette's song Ironic. 

I really wanted to go back to school this semester. Really bad. 

I was approved for a full Pell grant and it wouldn't have costed me a dime. 

I needed to take the college entrance test and they only had two dates set up before classes began. 

I was going to take the first one but got the puking virus and couldn't go.

I WENT to take the second one and the class filled up, it was a first come first serve test that started at 9:00 am Saturday morning. 

Sigh.

I got there at 5 til, they turned away maybe 5 people in front of my and at least that after me. 

I was told that if I had financial aid to insist they have another testing Monday. 

It was almost 6:00pm  Monday evening before they returned my call.

When they finally did, I was told there was a problem with my financial aid, and that by the time they could work it out, and get me tested I'd be a full week behind in classes.

Being a first time student there I was advised to wait until the next semester. 

UGH. 

I hate feeling like my fate is stacked against me. Sometimes I think it doesn't matter what I do, I'll never succeed or get ahead. I live a life of Murphy's Law and it sickens me. My bread will always fall mayo side down. Always. I'll break my favorite cup or one of my kids will. I'll get a puking virus during first test times and be outnumbered during seconds. :) 

I know, I know, it's all in how you look at it. Is the cup half empty or half full. 

Lately though, its been bad. Anything that can go wrong has gone wrong. 

Maybe I am a little depressed? Is it the freezing cold, the winter blues, or that I feel cursed??? 

I don't know. 

I know that God is in control, even when I don't like the direction my life is taking. Maybe He sees something in my future that I can't and it's His blessing that I'm not in school this semester. It's just especially disheartening because it's taken me a few years to get up the courage to go back. I could have gone in the fall but chickened out. I finally get up the guts to GO and the door is closed. 

Am I really looking forward to spring? 

Heaven is still so sick. She is throwing up the Phenergan.  Keep her in your prayers. 

I'm okay, I just needed to vent. I love that I can come here and be honest, even when it isn't pretty. 

:) I'll get things straight for next semester. I'm looking up,  I promise! 

Tired

I've been so tired lately. We've slowed way down on doing things. Christmas Eve Heaven and Matt were in a horrible car accident. They are fine, so I'll leave it at that for now. It was the other guys fault, totaled her car but they and the baby are fine.

She is 15 weeks and 1 day. She felt the baby yesterday!

I'm trying to get into the local community college. It's been a pain in the rear. The financial aid is there but their test classes have been full. I'm going in the morning to beg some mercy as classes start tomorrow. Sigh

I'll let you know how it goes. Good night.

Merry Christmas

Below are a few of our before Christmas pictures. I hope and pray that all of you have a very Merry Christmas!

Introvert?

Maybe I am an introvert. Hmmmm I've never really thought about it having a name. I'll have to look a little more into that.

Things did go well, Tony ended up canceling the Saturday night gig because we did, after all, have to bake three turkeys for the banquet. :)

Friday I helped him get ready to go to the school, but couldn't go, because we realized that the kids knew me, and I'd be a dead give away to who HE really was!

Sky's party went really well, I can't believe my middle baby is 14! Where does time go?

The banquet was fabulous and I had a great time. I've just not felt real well, I think I'm getting a cold and I've been sportin a sinus headache for far too long. I'm laying back on the couch now as I type thanking the Lord that we are on a Christmas break and NOT having to do school.

Heaven is 11 weeks and 4 days and still sick as a dog. Last night she called crying because she couldn't stop vomiting. Everything she'd eaten since breakfast yesterday came right back up. We get to hear the babies heartbeat the next visit in January.

Are you ready for Christmas? I am. I can't wait. I'm very excited. The only thing missing is the snow!

Let it Snow! Let is Snow! Let it Snow!

How are all of you? I continue to pray that the Lord open the wombs of those of you still in waiting and that He keep His hand upon all of you who are expecting. Hugs to all my infertility friends this holiday season.

Winter Blues? Self Diagnosis...

Winter Blues? Or is it depression? Care to help me?

I'm not sure what it is I'm going through, if it even has a name, or if it should have a name. I don't necessarily think so. I feel fine, I love the winter time, the cold, and being a stay at home mom. I like not leaving my house for days on end. I like cooking, baking, laying back, watching movies and enjoying a season that is so easy to be lazy in. I have no problems with it all.

The problem?

It seems that others don't feel the same way. I believe to other people signs of not wanting to have to go and do things and stay home are signs of depression.

My hubby is a very social man, he loves pleasing people and doing social events. He has a Santa suite and my, oh my, he makes a very gorgeous Santa. He hasn't had many gigs this winter but has two this weekend. Friday he goes to a preschool program and Saturday night is a church visitation.

Friday is also Sky's birthday party and Sunday is our church's Christmas dinner. We were asked to head up the Christmas dinner, which basically isn't a lot. Just fixing menu's and getting the members to sign up. Then of course that night we have to make sure things are going as they should and people are doing what they should. Just over seeing things.

It is cold outside and they are calling for a wintry mix Saturday night.

The problem?

I'm dreading the whole thing. Every single bit of it. Me, I want to stay home, in my warm house and snuggle with my family. I soooo wish we didn't have a single plan this weekend. To me, it feels like a HUGE load. It feels like SO much we have to do.

I voiced this to my hubby this morning and he doesn't understand. I can't help that I feel the way I do. I don't necessarily want to feel this way. The reason I wish that I felt different is to please my husband. Still, I just want to stay home. BUT I can't because the guilt would consume me. I would feel so guilty for not going and helping.

By talking to my husband about how I feel though has put some sort of burden on him. He now feels bad that he has asked me to help out because he now knows how badly I don't want to go.

This wasn't my intention. I was just talking it out, I was hoping he'd....console me? Talk me through it? I don't know what I was thinking but I wish I'd of kept it to myself. He doesn't understand at all and he thinks I can just choose to WANT to go. That I could just look at it differently.

I never said I wouldn't go. I just said I DREAD it.

I feel so overwhelmed.

I really do dread it.

Not just one day but the entire weekend.

I hate the thought of having to do something every day. Not having just one single day that I don't have to leave the house and go out in the cold. That isn't completely true. I'm leaving something out. Even if I had one day it wouldn't change the dread. The real point I suppose, is that I don't want to have to get out in the cold or go into the crowds around all the people. Knowing I'm commitmed makes me angry because I feel like I HAVE to go or I'll be disappointing people, especially my husband. So it feels like a weight on my shoulders. Like I have no choice.

It'll lift when it's over and the next time I'm asked to do something I'll most likely say no for a long while.

Where I struggle is trying to determine if I'm depressed or if I'm normal.

Then I wonder what normal really is. Sometimes I think the world is crazy for feeling like it has to be in this social state of busy all the time. Whatever happened to family time? Why does everyone feel like they have to be DOING something in order to feel like the are accomplishing something or doing something with their life? For me, being a stay at home mom and homeschooling my girls is more than enough.

My hubby would say, we never do anything. That these busy weekends are few and far between and he is right. Every weekend isn't like this. And there are times when they are and I do enjoy them. But right now, the thoughts of this weekend make me almost mad, because I don't feel like doing it but I'm committed.

Then I feel horrible because it's hurt my husband. He doesn't understand how I feel and to him it feels personal. It's not, I assure you. I love him so much. We are just so different. I hate the struggle and the distance it seems to put between us.

When I talked to him this morning I honestly didn't realize how it would make him feel. I didn't plan the conversation or contemplate the outcome. I was just talking to him about how I felt.

When he shared how it made him feel it upset me because THAT was NOT what I was INTENDING. It has nothing to do with him directly. The reason I go anyway is BECAUSE I love him and want to make him happy. But now, all he sees is how miserable I'll be doing it, and as far as he's concerned I can stay home and he'll find someone else to go.

Situations like this suck.

Opinions?

I have to add this part. The phone just rang and I didn't recognize the number. It was one of Tony's friends and he had gotten another deer. He doesn't eat the deer he kills so he always calls us and we pick it up, clean it, cut it and can it. Or take it to have it processed. If we clean it ourselves it takes at least a day, we get it cut up and have to soak it over night sometimes two before canning. I usually go on the mountain to his  mom's and spend the night and can. Most of the time I get 14 quarts of meat.

You would think if I were depressed that this call would have added to the overwhelming feeling that I have about the above events but it didn't. The thought that I might actually get to go and do something productive for my family and NOT have to do the above things removes the guilt I'd feel for not going. I actually got excited about it.

So, in hindsight, wouldn't you think it sounds more like an anxiety instead of a depression?

Resting

I'm so tired! Things with Heaven are great. No more spotting praise God! She is 9 weeks today. Can you believe that? I can't. Time seems to be flying by.

The next doctor's appointment is Friday but I think I'll have to change it Monday for Heaven because she has some school work to do that day.

We had a blessed Thanksgiving and I'm praying that each of you did also.

I just wanted to check in since it'd been a while.

Hugs to you all!

We are home from the Doctor!

We got to see the baby and the heartbeat! Heaven and the baby are great! More great news too! She does only have one cervix BUT her cervix covers both uteri and she can carry a baby in each womb successfully!

PRAISE GOD! HALLELUJAH! FATHER GOD I PRAISE YOUR HOLY NAME!

What a mighty God we serve! He answered our prayers! They believe the small amount of spotting is coming from the right uterus. Because she is pregnant in the left uterus the right uterus that doesn't have a babe in it is acting like there is a baby in it. That uterus has no way of knowing there is a second uterus and that the babe is inside of it.

I'm SOOO happy!!!!!!!!

She is 6 weeks and 6 days and will be 7 weeks tomorrow. Her due date is July 3rd, 2010.

A hearty thank-you to all of you faithful prayer warriors! 

Wooohoooo

The Days are Dragging By

I know it feels that way because I'm anticipating Friday. It's cold and raining here, gloomy I'd say.


Even so, listen to this mornings scripture:

“God's voice thunders in marvelous ways; he does great things beyond our understanding. He says to the snow, 'Fall on the earth,' and to the rain shower, 'Be a mighty downpour.”-Job 37:5-6 

How beautiful is that?! Makes a gloomy day feel blessed. :)


I thought I'd take a second to check in to sort of make things feel like they were passing by faster. Did it work? LOL

Heaven didn't spot for two days and then this evening she spotted again. 

Three more days until we see the doctor again! 

Thanks for continuing to pray for Heaven and her baby. 

Just Checking In

No news really, Heaven stopped spotting for several days and then started again. Once it was heavier, but then it quit.

Last night we had a Youth Rally and all the pastors gathered around Heaven and we all prayed over her. I'm trusting God to take care of this baby. He created him/her and He knew him/her before He knit him/her in Heaven's womb. He knows what is best.

It's taken me a bit to come to this peace of mind but I know He is God no matter what. I continue to speak life over Heaven and her womb and I will give God all the glory over this child's life.

Thank-you for your continued prayers.

Doctor's appointment is this Friday.

Hugs to you all. You have no idea how much you each mean to me.

Limbo

Okay I'm finally home.

So far so good!

They compared her sonogram to her blood work and both are saying 5 weeks. The doctor says it is very probable that she is just not as far long as they thought. He explained that all women ovulate at different times each month and its highly possible she ovulated late which would put her at 5 weeks instead of 8.

She has NOT spotted today. She only spotted once yesterday evening.

The plan is to return next Friday and they are going to do more blood work to check her HSG levels and they are going to do another sonogram to compare to the blood work. This will show if things are progressing in a timely manner or not. So praise God!

Thank-you all for praying us through thus far!

So we are in for another week of waiting.

They found something else.

When they did her sonogram they discovered that she has two full uteruses. Her ovaries are normal, only two. Next week he is going to examine her to check for two cervixes. I've never heard of this before in my entire life. The doctor says that this happens in every 150 women. I surely wouldn't think it's that common. Maybe I misunderstood the number. She is pregnant in the left uterus. Two different nurses we spoke with today knew women with two uteruses and both had had two babies at once, one of the women had had two babies twice. They do not call this twins because they are in different uterus's. Have any of you ever heard of this?

The doctor says that this will not cause complications with her pregnancy, nor do women with this have a higher chance of miscarriage so there is no need for concern. It just strikes me as very odd.

Thoughts? 

Editing:

 I've been reading and found different statistics. 

1 in 2500 and 1 in 1000. 

I've read that because she has two they aren't as big as one. This means that even though there is one baby she'd carry it as though it were twins, having only half the room. There seems to be a high rate of preterm labor due to lack of room. There are also many that carry full term. 

If we discover there are in fact duplicate cervixes then there will always be a possibility of  her conceiving in both uteruses. 

 Miscarriage rates seem to be the same for women with double uteruses as they are in women without, you just never know. They were higher in women who had a second uterus with no cervix, due to the egg planting in the wrong uterus. 

Without a cervix it can't survive.

We will definitely have more questions next week when we return. 

From what I read, she'll be considered high risk with a higher risk of c-section. 

The doctor brushed it off as though it were nothing. He did say he'd be looking for the duplicate cervix next week. 

Definitely keep her covered in prayer.

Bad Speculations

I never should have thought all that out loud as nothing could be further from what is happening.

Her HCG was 5565 and the nurse said that this is normal for someone who is in the range of 3-4 weeks pregnant. They did NOT check her progesterone.

I looked online and HCG levels of 5500 were normal for pregnancies anywhere between week 3 to week 7. From what I read they varied a lot.

The nurse still assures me that everything is fine and that the sonogram coupled with the blood work is what will inform them of whats going on.

I'm a little more at peace tonight than I was today.

I broke down crying on the phone with the nurse.

I didn't realize how I was bottling up this fear until that moment. I'm so glad that Heaven was at school and not here to see me. I'm so glad that I broke down today and not tomorrow. I don't want Heaven to see my concerns.

She is blissfully happy.

So now I know two things.

She is NOT further along as we had hoped for.

She is NOT pregnant with twins.

Today her spotting stopped. None this morning, none this afternoon, but then it came again tonight. Just a wee little bit, really dark brown.

The nurse says this is a really good thing. She talked with me for a long time today. She was so comforting to me.

I pray my baby girl and her baby are fine. Just fine.

It helps to come here and share. When I started this blog it was for me to voice my anger and feelings over my own infertility. I never dreamed that it would become a place for me to come about other things. Especially not like this, but nevertheless, I am thankful for it and for each of you. You have no idea the peace it brings to know you all are out there and that you are praying for my daughter and grandbaby. I wish I could hug each one of you.

I'll be back tomorrow evening.

Speculating-bear with me

I've been replaying the nurse's words over and over in my  head.

I knew we needed high HCG levels and low levels could mean the worst case scenerio. So in my mind I'm thinking HIGH numbers.

Right?

Well the nurse said this. "Her levels are HIGH, HIGH, HIGH."

Dummy me, I didn't think to ask WHAT levels were high and what the exact numbers were. I'm on total new ground in this area.

Did they test her progesterone when they test her HCG?

So I go and do a search on HIGH HCG levels, which I probably shouldn't be doing at this point because that just gives me more to be concerned about. AND I don't know WHAT her levels are.

There are three possibilities with HIGH HCG levels.

The most logical one is that Heaven is further along that we expected. Which from the previous post I'm sure you can see how this could be possible. The difference between 8 weeks and 14 is HUGE.

This is what I did. Her last known period was Sept. 10.

It was 18 days late.

I counted back 18 days for the date her period would have been due, had it been on time, and that was August 24th.

I went back one month to figure out what her last period would have been and that gives me July 24th.

I counted forward from July 24th and that gave me 13 weeks. (14 weeks on Friday)

That is a BIG difference from September 10th, which would put her at 8 weeks on Thursday.

The second reason I found was multiple births.

The third reason I found, is the one I wish I'd never read.

Something called a Molar Pregnancy.

Honestly I shouldn't be do any of this. It just makes me crazier. I need to go and pray.

The doctor will be in after 1. So hopefully I'll have the totals soon and I'll update again.

Heaven's Update

Okay, yesterday we went in to the doctor. Since it's Heaven's first visit they refused to see her. We didn't have an appointment we just showed up. Her appointment isn't until the 12th. I was persistent. They finally had the nurse go and talk to the doctor. This is the same doctor that delivered Sky and Meadow for me. I love them. They are very good.

After speaking with the doctor the nurse came out and told us that this is very normal. I stopped her right there. "No, I'm 38 years old and I've never heard of this before in my entire life"...(well, except on my blog!) She said, "I'm being honest, it happens. We believe everything is fine BUT just to be on the safe side we are sending her for blood work today and depending on the results, we may be sending her again in 48 hours."

In talking more in-depth with Heaven I discovered a weird thing. Her last period in September was 18 days late.

She took five pregnancy test.

3 invalid

1 negative

1 positive

This will throw more into the mix if we discover she is further along than we originally thought.

She can't remember her period that month when she did get it. That is aggravating to me. She can't remember if her period was normal, light ect... just that she wrote down that her period started on September 10th.

On the positive end, her pregnancy signs are increasing. She is getting heavy nausea both when she does eat and when she does not. She is constipated and has numerous other signs. These are good things!

She is still spotting, dark brown again, a tiny amount. The size of a dime and sometimes a quarter. She is not cramping.

I did not experience this, ever, with my pregnancies. I only experienced the light pink tinge of implantation. I have read that Heaven's type of spotting happens in 25 percent of women. Of the 25 percent, half of the pregnancies are normal. I'm praying Heaven will fall in THAT percentage.

I speak life over Heaven's womb and ask the Lord to save the life of this unborn child. In Jesus Christ' mighty name.

So please continue your prayers.

Update

The doctor's office just called. They apologized for not being able to call us yesterday with the results. It was hard waiting. Her blood work came back great! I'm so glad! They have scheduled an ultrasound tomorrow at 12:45. The nurse said they would compare the sonogram to the blood work and that if things didn't match up they would order more blood work.

If you feel led, please go into intercession for this baby!

Thank-you SOOOO much!

I'll update again tomorrow!

Please pray

Heaven is still spotting.

She has been spotting dark brown the size of a quarter 3 times a day for 6 days. Tonight it went from brown to light pink, but only the size of a dime. When she wiped it was on the tp once but then clean.

I'm trying so hard not to be rattled.

I'm rattled.

I'm taking her to the doctor without calling and I'm going to insist they see her in the morning. So far they just say everything is fine and to wait. Sigh...waiting is hard.

If you all would cover her in prayer I would so appreciate it!

Thank-you so much.

What a scare

I went over to my son in law's with my dad and the girls last night to help paint the nursery. I know it's a bit early but Heaven is so excited! She choose yellow and its really pretty. After the painting was done we all sat down to watch Biggest Loser. They have a dvr and had recorded last weeks and this weeks so we watched them both back to back.

Did I tell you I love that show?

The phone rings and its Heaven calling from work. She had started spotting and was scared. I tried to get her to come home but she only had another hour. She said it was dark and that it had stopped. I remember spotting a light tinge color with the girls but not as much as she was describing.

She came home and we talked until 1 am.

I got the girls home and in bed by 1:30 am.

I had Heaven call her family doctor this morning. (She doesn't have an OBGYN yet.) She explained what had happened. The doctor told her she felt she was fine but that if she started bleeding bright red to go to the ER. The doctor also took her out of work for the next week so Heaven does not have to finish her two week notice. I really think that pulling and lifting the elderly was too hard for her. Too much strain. I was so relieved that the doctor took her out. I was so uneasy about her working during this early time. She is under too much stress and has to go to school tomorrow all day.

I'm hoping now that she is going to be able to get some much needed rest. I took her out to lunch today, to pick up her doctor's excuse and then to work to drop it off.

If you think of us please keep her in your prayers. She will be going to the doctor soon. She still has some information to get to the insurance company first and she is really early. I'm thinking 5 or 6 weeks.

Thanks and God bless you!