Checking In

Mostly because I'm just beside myself with anxiety. I still haven't started my period. I have no clue whats going on. I try so hard not to think about it but of course it never leaves my mind. I have so much else going on too. My mil is having shoulder replacement next week and Sky is having surgery the 27th to remove a tooth that is ankelosed in her mouth. (A baby tooth never came in and grew to the bone in her face)

Have peace Jen.

They finally brought Aiden yesterday and he will be here until Friday. He's sleeping now, sweet little boy.

So.......almost day 37.

If you are reading, take a minute and post me a comment. I have no one irl that I can talk to and I'm a little lonely here. Thanks ladies. Oh, and if you haven't been here in a while scroll down and catch up. :)

Can We Say Self Centered?

Boy did I have a pity party! I can't believe how you can know what is right so well and yet be so consumed and overtaken by what is wrong. The flesh is a strong thing. I think after the little fit of hysteria I threw yesterday I felt better. I wish it wasn't like that. I wish I could feel better without throwing the fit. There has got to be a different way of release for me. I don't know. I don't have all the answers I just know that I reached my maximum yesterday, I exploded and then I felt better.

Last night when I laid down in the bed I felt the strongest urge to begin reading a book that I had shelved sometime ago. I had Sky bring it to me and almost immediately I knew why the Holy Spirit led me to it.

I'm not going to share all the book is about I'm just going to share the scriptures.

Please don't skip this. Read slowly and absorb it, hear what it is speaking.

In Isaiah
The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, the leopard shall lie down with the young goat, the calf and the young lion and the fatling together, and a little child shall lead them. The cow and the bear shall graze; their young ones shall lie down together; and the lion shall eat straw like the ox. The nursing child shall play by the cobra's hole, and the weaned child shall put his hand in the viper's den. They shall not hurt nor destroy in all My holy mountain, for the earth shall be full of the knowledge of the Lord as the waters cover the sea.

How I long for that day! As I read the scripture I pictured the peace, the glorious peace. What a wonderful day it will be when we are set free from the flesh and dwell with our Father forever!!!

I read on. I know this is what the Lord was trying to remind me of.

Romans 8:14
For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, "Abba Father." The Spirit Himself bear witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs-heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified with together.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

The last part spoke volumes to me. IF INDEED I SUFFER WITH HIM, THAT I MAY ALSO BE GLORIFIED WITH HIM! TOGETHER! Lord I thank-You for this reminder. My suffering is NOTHING compared to His! NOTHING! Here I got so self consumed, feeling sorry for myself, forgetting the true purpose of my life.

Lord I just ask that You forgive me for losing direction. Forgive me for questioning You. Forgive me for not trusting the perfect plan that You have for me. Forgive me for being spoiled. Forgive me for being selfish and demanding my own way.

I know that many would say, it's ok Jeniliegh, it happens to all of us. But I'm here to say this kind of behavior is NOT ok. I am NOT a baby Christian I am mature and it's time I acted as such. There is no excuse for doing something that I know is wrong just because its easier. I'm thankful that my Father is always there to forgive me but that is NO excuse to continue down the same path. It's time to listen and obey. It's time to focus, it's time to pray, it's time to read God's word and be about HIS business and not my own.

What am I doing for Him? I mean really, am I witnessing? Who am I intercessing for? When is the last time I fasted? There are so many lost souls and I've wasted all this time thinking about me, praying for me, wanting my way. I've looked at life and everyone in it that the Lord has blessed and I've coveted. I've been jealous, I've allowed their happiness to make me miserable. Does this paint a picture of Christ? Far far from it. I've been a nasty spoiled rotten child.

No more.

No more.

No more.

I ask from the most sincere part of me that you continue to pray for my mother in law, my sister in law, Aiden and his mother in jail. I pray God's will be done in each one of their lives.

(P.S. Today is day 35, no sign of the red stain.)

Why Is It

That pain makes for better writing than joy? Pain sends you to places that you never knew existed, and once you've visited, you pray you'll never have to return. Some how, you know that in this life once you've been you'll have to return. It doesn't matter how hard you try or how far you run. There is no place to hide from it. It always seeks you out and finds you.

Sometimes the hardest part is knowing its coming and not being able to stop it. Sometimes the hardest part is not seeing it as it blind sides you and knocks you off your feet. All the time the hardest part is being there, screaming, moaning, crying, begging and pleading to get out. Talking yourself through it, telling yourself that this too shall pass. You keep talking because you know if you don't you'll fall in that hole. You know, that one that the Lord delivered you out of.

Later, this won't seem so painful, the cut won't seem so deep, you'll pray that next time you have more strength. You'll have good days, good weeks, good months. You'll think its over, you'll think you have victory. Until it comes again.

Today is day 34. 34 for crying out loud. The last week has been HARD and that is an understatement. This has nothing to do with a child. This has to do with MY body. Feeling trapped inside of this thing that has control and right to torment me. Knowing the way things should be but FEELING the way things are.

The things that let me know that the red stain is coming are these.
1. Headache
2. Crying
3. I'm ill
4. My thinking changes and I become negative
5. Things get on my nerves, like little noises, chewing, music, or people not helping around the house
6. The fever blister (it isn't always big, sometimes it'll disappear, but it always comes, always.)

Monday last week (that WAS 7 days ago) I had the migraine. Whew, I was relieved actually. I like just getting it over with. Tuesday I cried, I mean I cried. See you don't understand, I cried. I cried all day over everything over nothing. Wednesday was a combo day, I cried some more. I even laughed because hey, this month was extreme, but I was ill too. Tony didn't like me very much and if the truth be told I really didn't like me either. Thursday I was ill. I was really ill, I spent the day fighting myself. I had to fight to control my temper. Sometimes I won and sometimes I lost. Friday I was still ill. I didn't want to leave my house. I just wanted the stain to come and go. I was so tired of this. Saturday the fever blister started. Well Hallelujah! Who would have ever thought that I would give praise for a fever blister. It's on my bottom lip and let me tell you, this baby is HUGE. Sunday I felt rotten, I stayed home, I'm beyond frustrated as it was day 33.

Today is day 34. Did I say that already? The real torment began when I woke this morning. I was tired and worn down. After seven days of fighting not only myself but my husband, I was just weak. The girls woke up arguing. I prayed and I prayed. I kept forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other. I prayed some more. Things eased for a bit. I was so thankful and then the phone rang.

My mother in law was suppose to be bringing baby Aiden today. I was so looking forward to seeing him, smelling him and taking care of him. For some reason, at this time of the month, he is like a healing salve to an open wound. My sister in law is down with her back. I figured she would be fine in letting me keep him. My mother in law was coming this way. But you know what happened?

My husband calls his sister to find out that she is tore up. I suppose she is full of pain pills to deal with her back. She decided not to send Aiden.

Why?

I mean you can't even talk, your speech is so slurred Tony is having trouble understanding you WHY! Why would you NOT send him? Oh, I see, your boyfriend can help with him, and when he goes to work your 14 year old son will be home. Why would you NOT want me to keep him? '

Then mother in law calls.

"Did you know Tammy was tore up?"
"Well, Tammy said she would be ok."
"Did you KNOW?"
"Well yes, her speech was slurred."
"You let her drive Aiden to her home?"
"Tammy said if she wasn't ok to drive that she would let me know."

I'll stop there. I'm not going to repeat the words I screamed at God, my husband, my mother in law and anyone else who would listen, or to no one at all, they just spewed out of me. I didn't know it was still there. I thought it was all gone. I thought I had dealt with it and moved on. And here I was back in the midst of all I had left behind.

Why? Why would she be given a son? Why? Tammy isn't clean, she has her jail buddies coming over and drinking. She has been diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder. I can't name all her meds, but pain meds mixed in with this. It may not be cocaine but its a dangerous mix. What if she'd wrecked? I wonder how Aiden spends his days? Alone with a zombied woman? Why did it have to be her? I see it in the world all the time. I know what a fallen place this is but did it have to be her? Did it HAVE to be in my face?

Where is my stain? Where are you?!!! What are you waiting on? For me to have a nervous breakdown?!?!?!?!?!?!

I went to the bathroom, I took out a pregnancy test, and I peed on the stupid stick.

Of course it read, NOT PREGNANT.

Of course it did.

Please pray for Aiden.

My Body is Screaming

Start already!

UGH it's one of those long drawn out cycles. I had a headache on Monday, I cried all day Tuesday and Wednesday, and on Thursday and Friday I was just a biddy. Today I have this monster of a fever blister coming on my bottom lip.

Just come already will ya? Why continue to torture me?

My attitude sucks.

Time flies 2009 coming to an end

Lately I just feel like time is zooming past in fast forward motion, ya know? Saturday we visited my mother in law and my sister in law asked me keep little Aiden. Remember him? He is almost 5 months now and so far she has done really well with the little fella.

I brought him home with me. We have all enjoyed him being here. I've learned (well remembered) how to do things with him in my lap and on my hip. Today while we did our school he sat in my lap and just listened to me while I read our history out loud. I actually read him to sleep. How precious he was laid over on my arm and chest snoozing away.

We've had many precious moments over the past few days. Laughs out loud, peeing on Sky, cooing and smiles, birdy kisses, dirty diapers and lots of baby talk. I've been joyful and thankful for every moment.

I was so proud of myself.

Tonight while we were watching the Sopranos (dh got the whole series for Christmas) there was a song playing in the back ground, it said something to the effect of, " I don't know where I'll be tomorrow." It played over and over through a couple of scenes. Aiden laid in my lap just smiling and playing and all of a sudden I was sort of HIT with the thought of where he'd be tomorrow. Tears came out of no where. Where will he be? Here?? My sister in law's?? Where will he be when he is almost 2 and his real mother gets out of prison??? Where will he be after that???

I had to remind myself that those were worries and that I had to cast my cares upon the Lord. It wasn't easy, but I prayed for God to protect him and I let it go. By force really. Choice I should say. I made the decision to let it go.

This month I noticed I was ovulating by the discharge (what is a kinder word for that? ) (fluid?) ok, by the fluid I was passing. It was somewhat difficult because for the last couple of months I've not paid attention, again, choice here. I've not checked my calendar and I've not counted days. Honestly, I was *wanting* to have relations with dh BEFORE I realized I was ovulating. I really was. So, I just tried to ignore the ovulation awareness I had going on and move past it, nonchalantly, so to speak.

Fat chance! Don't you know that dh must have sensed something because he actually asked me if I was ovulating. Man that bugged me. Yes, I told him, I suspected that I was. He thought I was skeeming. Well, at least I think he thought I was skeeming and that peeved me.

I wasn't, I really wasn't.

Of course that just sort of made things unnatural and with all that we've been through I know dh doesn't want the stress, the emotions or the hassle of *trying* again.

Neither do I.

Let's just say it was a tough few days for me.

I wonder if baby Aiden triggered something for me? But then I think, na, my body was ovulating Aiden or no Aiden. Maybe it was the combination?

The thoughts that whirl around in my head, the what ifs.

The hope.

"What are you crazy?" Seems that way sometimes.

"You really don't want this." The trouble, the finances, the time, the loss of freedom.

"It really doesn't matter what I want does it?" Nope, because wanting doesn't mean getting.

"What will be will be."

Then I got tired and bound it all up and cast it aside. I remain content with what my Lord has in store for me, I just got thrown a curve ball.

Whew!!! I feel better now. Honestly I do. I don't like dealing with all that. It's much easier moving on.

I'm on the move.

How I'm Really Doing

It's been a while since I've spoken of my infertility and how I'm dealing with doing *nothing* in terms of procedures and infertility treatments.

I've gotten on with my life and I've sought the face of my Father like never before. Everyday I pray that He help me to die to my flesh. to my desire, that I may fulfill the plan that He has for me instead. I want what He wants no matter what. He is my master and I His servant and I love Him, oh how I love Him.

The last few weeks have been incredibly busy. My brother was in a horrid accident and I spent the week running, helping and praying for him. The following week was last minute preparations for the Christmas Play that I have helped with this year. I have to say that over the last couple of months I've jumped in head first with the youth at our church. If any of you knew me personally you'd know that this was a big step for me. Committing to something so big outside of my home isn't something I usually do. There were a few attacks but I prayed through and the Lord strengthened me giving me a spirit of might and I pressed on to the finish line.

Saturday I sewed costumes for 3 and 1/2 hours. I was amazed as I am not a very talented seamstress. As I worked it became obvious to me that it was not *I* who was working but the Holy Spirit working through me. I was doing some amazing things that I knew I didn't know how to do. As this revelation hit me I began to pray in the spirit as I sewed. As I prayed the Lord spoke to me, ever so softly, ever so gently, about my womb and my desire for children. As He spoke the tears streamed down my face.

What a glorious feeling, what a wonderful, unexplainable experience.

The Lord told me that He had plans for me. Plans that He couldn't totally reveal just yet but that I was on the right track. He is going to give me children. He is actually in the process, as I sewed and worked with these youth, of doing just that. He showed me faces of those that I would help and minister to and He told me it was much much larger than what I was seeing. He allowed me to see myself, the kind of wife and mother I am, and a picture of my life from the outside looking in.

It was at this moment that I realized if my womb were opened my work at church would be done for another season. With a babe in my womb my ministry would change as I would have to revert back to my home in the way I knew the Lord would want me to. There is no way that I could be in the ministry with these youth AND be the kind of mother I need to be to a baby. I pour my all into my family, as I should. It's biblical to put the Lord first, your family second and then the ministry.

Instead of blessing me with one child to raise He is going to give me many children to share the love of Christ with now.

Today at the Christmas Play some of what the Lord had spoken to me began to unfold. At the beginning of the play as the children walked into the sanctuary there was a little girl in tears, too afraid to walk alone, who needed me to carry her. With her on my hip I seen a little boy fighting with two other boys and they were holding up the line. I had that little boy come and hold my other hand. As I marched onto that stage, I was not alone, but in fact *with* two children. I cannot explain the peace that I felt.

Towards the end of the play there was a different little girl who began to cry, I squatted down to see what was wrong. She needed to be held. I sat down on the stage as I cradled this precious little girl and then here came another. I held one and wrapped my left arm around the other little girl and then here came the little boy who was fighting earlier. We bowed our heads and prayed. My quiver was full. These children were bonding with me in a way that I had not seen or realized before. They call me by name. They feel safe in my arms.

Some of the children in our church are bused in. Their parents aren't serving the Lord, some are very poor, some are on drugs and there are some who are abusing their children. There are several sets of parents in our church who have adopted some of these children. They haven't had to go through typical adoption agencies because some of these children's parents have just chosen to give them up. There are two families that come to mind right off, but there are many more, two of the children are older now and are living testimonies of God's healing power. Three others are just 3, 4, and 5 years old and are having extreme behavioral problems from the horrid abuse that they have suffered from their biological home, I praise God that they've been adopted to a safe Christian home and that they are members at our church. The Lord has called me to intercess and stand in the gap for them because He has a call on their lives.

I'm not saying that I believe I'll never have another child naturally. I'm saying that I have peace with whatever the Lord has planned for my womb because I know I am doing what He has called me to do. I know that no matter what happens the Lord fully intends to surround me with children who need Him. I truly want His will to be done. His dreams for me are bigger than any dream I've ever had for myself. It's not about ME, it's all about HIM. And I can't wait to experience all that He has in store for me!

Shalom

Our New Homeschool Blog

Kingdom Academy is up and running. Please stop by and see the new design!

How is everyone?

Not any change here. I've updated *life* so to speak at Jenileigh's Journey but as far as infertility goes we've placed it in God's hands completely for now. So.... its kind of boring with no procedures and no information to blog about. I just wanted to check in and let you all know I'm still here. I'm still reading. I'm still praying.

Big hugs!

Are You Ready for Thanksgiving?

I am! I am so excited! We will be having a three day celebration! On Thanksgiving day we are celebrating at my mom and dad's, Friday will be at my oldest daughter's fiance's house, and Saturday will be at my mother in law's. I love this time of year! And the best part is that I don't have to cook! :) Although I will probably cook a turkey and small thanksgiving related feast a week or so later. It's one of our favorite meals! I love turkey, dressing, gravy and sweet potatoes with brown sugar, butter and toasted marshmallows. I always put my gravy over my marshmallows. Most people think that is gross but oh my!! MMMmmmm it's delicious! :)

I have been checking in on everyone and continuing to pray. I posted a good post over on Jenileigh's Journey about trusting in the Lord and His plan,even when it makes NO sense to us.

And...I have a new blog up about our homeschooling journey that you can check out at Kingdom Academy. I have someone working on a new blog design for me now and I can't wait to see it!

Much love!
~Jenileigh