Feeling like Scum of the Earth

Sheesh, what an emotional day of turmoil I had the other day. I feel bad just reading that post. I did edit one paragraph, I still feel like I should delete the whole thing but sometimes you can't do that. In real life you don't get to go back and delete the ugly, you only get to repent, the memory is left as a reminder of what the Lord brought you out of. So, that post will be a reminder of what I don't want to go back into. I don't want to be selfish, I don't want to NOT be able to celebrate life and miracles for those the Lord chooses to bless. Who am I to question God?

My friend is having such a hard time, she has been battling sickness for several years now, at one time was only 87 lbs. She truly is fighting for her life.

Yesterday I started making a few calls about this adoption thing myself. My friend had already sent in $200 and I didn't want to see them lose anymore. From every person that I have spoken with its a scam. I had my friend forward me the documents of abandonment and the decree of adoption that had been e-mailed to her. These e-mails contained the e-mail addresses that the person is using, the name they are using among other pieces of information. I contacted the Federal Trade Commission and I filed a report of scam and was able to forward these e-mail to them. Today when I called my friend to tell her what I had done, I discovered that she had sent them $250 more late last night. Today the man is claiming that he didn't receive the money.

I'm just sickened for them. Please pray for them, please pray that these scammers are caught so that they cannot victimize anyone else.

I feel like a heel.

Rising to the Surface

I have had such peace over the last few months, bliss, peace, a wonderous feeling. The peace is there as long as I am in prayer or in the presence of God. When I come out and I start thinking, I sink. I'm binding my thoughts and doing all I can to crucify my flesh and line my thoughts up with God's word. I'm not discontent, I'm so happy with my life and all the Lord has blessed me with. How can I express what I am feeling and going through? Where are the words?

It happened out of the blue....the beginning of the fall I mean. Everything was fine, it was a day like all other days. Heaven had come over to help me clean Sky's room because she was away at camp. We were talking and laughing, really enjoying our day together. We found an old box that Sky was using for trash and we were emptying it piece by piece, you know, just in case something of value happened to have landed in it.

I reached into the box and I pulled out an old prescription bottle. I read it and it had my name on it. It was an old Clomid bottle. How in the world did that get in there? Of course it was empty because I had taken the medicine already. Somehow though, in that moment, I became mesmerized. I just read the label over and over and over and over. Frozen in a moment, not realizing I had traveled back in time with no awareness to where I was at that moment or what I was suppose to be doing.

"Mom?" "Mom?.." "M-O-M!"..... "What are you doing?" Heaven was trying to bring me back, I wasn't ready though, not yet. I wanted to stay where I was for a little while, I wanted to think, I wanted to remember, I wanted to feel what was deep inside of me.

No, I bound it up. I moved on.

We continued working.

Then Heaven found a bag, it was a beautiful African bag I had found at the airport last summer when Heaven was getting ready to leave on her month long missions trip in Africa. It was clearanced and it had shouted my name! So, I bought it. I didn't really need or know what I was buying it for, but for me, it symbolized Heaven, her faith and her trip, so I purchased it.

I was so longing for another child during that time, desperately seeking. So I decided to act in faith and begin buying clothes. Of course I wanted a son, so boy clothes it was. Crush velvety soft blankies with trains on them. Two, you know, for twins. If I was going to dream and have faith for something, it was going to be extrordinary. So as the months rolled by I'd add to my faith bag and it wasn't long before it was full. I had to start another bag and had it stored in my bedroom closet. I also had clothes hanging on the back of my bedroom door, I had purchased an abundance of faith clothes!

This African bag had made its way into Sky's room, into her closet. I had sort of forgotten about it, I mean, I knew I had it but it hadn't came to mind in a long long while. I had stopped adding to the collection some time back when I made the decision to STOP wrestling with the idea of having another child.

Here is was, just moments after seeing the Clomid bottle. Why was this happening to me? I'm so close to the Lord, so strong in Him, growing, working, serving, moving on and yet, here it is. What am I to do with it?

Overcome it...

I prayed, Lord help me, don't let me slip, don't let me fall back into that pit. Draw me near, safe in Your arms, where I am so satisfied, there is no pain or dreams that haven't come true. I need You. I need You right now so much.

Thank-You Father. Thank-You for hearing me.

Heaven asks me where in the world all of these gobs of baby boy clothes had come from.

I told her.

'Oh, mom, I had no idea, where do you want me to put them?'

Deep breath.

"Heaven, I want you to take them."

'O, mom I couldn't.'

"I want you to Heaven, I've come to terms with not having any more children and you just got married, you'll be having my grandchildren soon. It's okay, I'm okay, take them."

'Are you sure?'

"I'm sure."

So it was done, we put them in her car and I breathed a sigh of relief that it was over and I didn't have deal with it anymore. I'd done the right thing, felt most sure of it, as sure as sure can feel when you are 37 and have been trying to conceive for the last 6 plus years. AS sure as you can be when you aren't sure if wanting more children is selfish or logical, or if you can even afford them. As sure as you can be when you are afraid to have faith for something that may not be God's will and all you want more than anything, more than life itself, is to be in the perfect will of God.

I moved on, with a smile. We finished up and I put it all out of my mind.

Later that night I had settled down. I felt good.

Then the phone rang.

I have a friend that is struggling with a lot of sickness, not a little but a huge load. Physical and mental sickness and its hard. It's hard for them and its hard for me. My heart goes out to her. She has fought for her very life. Satan has attacked them from every direction, financially they are on the bottom. Her sickness has affected not only her but her husband and her three children and although the Lord is healing her, she has such a long way to go. It has been hard for me to watch because when someone is in a situation like this there is only so much you do. You can't step in and be a mother to the children, no matter how strongly you see the need. It's hard when you see someone suffering and you know some of the answers but they refuse to listen. Sometimes you feel like they are choosing to stay in it, but you have to remind yourself, the devil is the master of deceit. The best most powerful thing you can do it to pray. So I have prayed. I have intercessed. I have seen defeat but I have seen victory. I will continue to stand in the gap for this family. I love them.

I knew she was having test run and I was anxious to hear her results and how she was doing. She'd had a rough few days and I was concerned for her. She is my friend. A good friend, not just an acquaintance. I speak with her weekly, most of the times several times a week and there is little that we don't share with one another.

She asked me to pray for someone, I replied, 'Sure, who is it?' Well, she opened up and began pouring out this long story of a girl who had been raped and had a baby girl and she didn't want the baby because she reminded her of the rape. I don't know all the details of the story because this was the first I'd heard of it and I couldn't absorb it all. I caught bits and pieces, the girl had been in France in school but had traveled to Africa, had the baby prematurely and the African government wouldn't allow the baby to leave because it had African citizenship. She'd been talking to this girl for months and yet had never mentioned it to me. My head was swirling.

My friend and her husband had been approved as adoptive parents and were suppose to pay a refundable insurance fee to get the girl and the baby out of Africa. The girl wanted my friend to adopt her daughter. So, somehow, the girl and the baby would be flown into a local airport, drop off the baby and then the girl would head on to France. The insurance was to guarantee that my friend here is real and that she really wanted the baby. Once she has the baby the money will be refunded with a check of some sort that no one could cash but my friend, the people in Africa are suppose to send a code to my friend's e-mail and then my friend will use this code to cash the check and get her insurance money refunded.

Are you still with me?

My friend has supposedly contacted the US Embassy. All of this is suppose to be legal and on the up and up but it sounds so much like a scam to me.

So here is my dilemma.

I don't want my friends to be hurt or to lose money I know they do not have. I love them.


Let's just be honest here, why her Lord and not me? Why did my husband's sister get Aiden and not me?

How is it that I may, and I say may, because I really do smell fish here, but how is it that I may have to deal with someone else, that isn't capable of taking care of a child being given one by someone else.

Most women with infertility deal with other people getting pregnant and having to participate, be happy for them, do the shower deal ect... For me, its different, my husband is a convicted felon, I have secondary infertility and unless one of these miraculous situations happens to me, like a mother choosing me to raise her child and giving me her precious baby I can't adopt.

So it pains me so to see miracles happening to people who in my eyes, shouldn't be raising more children. I'm sorry, I'm truly not meaning to be judgemental. I am not saying I am perfect but in these two situations I have to say that the baby is not better off with these families that have them. There are better homes out there. But it doesn't work that way does it?

So, I've hurt, I've felt pain, not because I can't pregnant but because I want to be chosen.

The wonderful thing is that it isn't over yet. The Lord has great things planned for me, whether they include a child or not is irrelevant. I want His perfect will above all else. I truly do. In spite of my pain.

Father God I ask you to forgive me for questioning You, forgive me for judging these women if that is what I have done. Forgive me for thinking myself to be a better mother than they are. Forgive me for falling into this pit. I ask You Lord, if it be Your will, choose me.

Looking back it started with the pill bottle-strike one, was fueled by the African bag of clothes-strike two and set on fire by the phone call from my friend-strike three. And I was out, I fell and I fell into the Pit hard.

Three hard strikes, at first subtle and then hard blows. Satan, the master of deceit.

I share this because as always with this blog, it is my desire to be real, to share the greatness of God that I experience but also to share the struggle. It's been a while since I've struggled, but here it is.

My Father is there to pick me up, and He did, and He continues to carry me.

I've added a new song to my playlist, the words are below, this is what I am doing right now, and if I abide in Him long enough, the pain will dissipate.

Kari Jobe- The More I Seek You

The more I seek you,
The more I find you
The more I find you, the more I love you

I wanna sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath, feel your heart beat
This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming

Awesome Revelation Louie Giglio - Laminin

You have got to watch this!
God never ceases to amaze me, and you know what?
He never will!

Deliverance from 'Self'

Deliverance from 'Self'

By Frank and Ida Mae Hammond

During our twenty-five years of intense involvement in deliverance ministry we have seen people set free from every sort of bondage: addictions, lust, perversions, unforgiveness, rebellion, hurts, withdrawal, double-mindedness, mental illness, fears, rejection, passivity, doubt, spiritual hindrances, curses and on-and-on. However, we are persuaded that the foremost need for deliverance is deliverance from 'self'. In fact, all bondage is in one way or another an expression of self-bondage.

A person wrapped up in himself is absorbed in his own problems, circumstances, ambitions and feelings. His whole being is concerned with 'self'. Thereby, he disregards the first and greatest commandment: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment' Matt. 22:37.

The devil has a master plan to capture mankind. His plan is the same for every person - imprisonment in self. Self is the devil's chief ally and man's number one enemy. Self thwarts the believer from being a true disciple of Christ. Jesus declared: 'Whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple' Luke 14:33.

Self hinders our living up to our spiritual potential. By being all that we can be in Christ, we become a powerful influence for the Kingdom of God. The devil fears this, so he does all that he can to prevent us from reaching maturity and fulfilling our calling in Christ. The devil's objective is to get the believer so occupied with self that he loses his spiritual saltiness: his ability to influence whatever he contacts. 'Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out' Luke 14:34,35. Selfishness takes the saltiness out of Christians.

Consider the believer's great potential. The new birth has equipped him with powers of spiritual discernment. He can see the things of the spiritual realm. He can 'see the kingdom of God' John 3:3. In contrast, 'The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned' I Cor. 2:14. 'The god of this age [Satan] has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God' II Cor. 4:4.

The twelve disciples were slow to see their potential in Christ. When Jesus spoke spiritual truth they turned their eyes upon themselves; therefore, He said, 'Do you still not see or understand?...Do you have eyes but fail to see?' Mk.8:17, 18.

In addition to our power to see into the spiritual realm, Jesus further promised us, 'You will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses' Acts 1:8. Thus, Spirit-baptized believers have the potential to function in supernatural power. We are given power to heal sickness, cast out demons, speak in new tongues, interpret tongues, prophesy and perform miracles.

After Pentecost, the disciples ministered in the Holy Spirit's power: 'And by the hands of the apostles were many signs and wonders wrought among the people' Acts 5:12. However, some were defeated by selfishness. Ananias and Sapphira coveted and lied, and their lives and ministry ended. Simon, a converted sorcerer, coveted the Holy Spirit's power for personal gain and Peter rebuked him saying, 'You have no part or share in this ministry' Acts 8:21.

Each believer as a member of Christ's spiritual Body, the Church, is required to die to self in order to fulfill the purpose of the Head and function with other parts of the Body. The ministry of the Body is frustrated when members fall into Satan's 'self' trap: either thinking themselves inadequate or superior in comparison with others. (See: I Cor. 12:14-27).

Yes, every demonic problem entails a problem with self. For example: The person wounded by rejection becomes conscious of 'self' because self hurts. Until one becomes secure in God's love, and loves all others, even his enemies, he will remain in bondage to self. Lust is self-gratification and self-indulgence; rebellion isself-rule; guilt is self-accusation; fear is self-concern; resentment is self-vindication; witchcraft is self-advantage; pride is self-exaltation. Every demon that can be named has a synonym name with a 'self' prefix. Therefore, deliverance does not come solely from casting out demons: the self-thing that gives place to demons must also be removed.

Many Bible heroes initially had self-problems, and only after their self-problems were remedied were these men useful to God. Moses was bound by inferiority. He felt unqualified for the ministry to which the Lord called him. Gideon also felt inadequate. He considered himself the least person in all of Israel. David yielded to self-indulgence and committed adultery, but afterward became 'a man after God's own heart'. Isaiah exclaimed, 'Woe is me,! for I am undone; because I am a man of unclean lips'. He felt unworthy to be God's spokesman. Jonah was self-willed. He didn't want to do things God's way. Saul of Tarsus was a self-righteous Pharisee and a persecutor of Christians. But each of these men were delivered from self and greatly used of the Lord. This means that there is hope for each of us!

`They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.' Rev. 12:11

In Revelation 12:11, three spiritual weapons are named by which the Saints are to defeat the devil. First, believers in Jesus Christ can utilize the power inherent in His incorruptible blood. The blood becomes a weapon when we testify what the blood of Jesus has done for us through its justifying, sanctifying, redeeming and atoning power. The devil is put to flight when we remind him that we have taken refuge in the shed blood of Jesus.

The second weapon named is 'the word of their testimony'; namely, 'the testimony of Jesus Christ' Rev. 12:17. We wield the weapon of testimony when we declare who Jesus is: the sinless son of God Who left His throne in glory, became incarnate, was tempted in all ways and yet without sin, Who went to the cross and laid down His life for us sinners, rose from the dead, ascended to His throne at the right hand of the Father and is coming again in power and glory.

The believer's third weapon, death to self, seems a strange weapon indeed. 'And they loved not their own lives even unto death' Rev. 12:11. When understood, this is an especially powerful weapon yet sadly neglected. Jesus overcome the devil. The victory of the cross was assured in Gesthemane when He prayed, 'Father...not as I will, but as you will' Matt. 26:39. Jesus loved not his own life even unto death. He is our example. He showed us that we can defeat the devil with the same weapon. The devil has no advantage over a person who has died to self.

For understanding's sake, suppose that a person is delivered from all oppressing demons. What is left? Only his real self is left. What then must be done with the real self? It must be crucified: taken to the cross and put to death! Only as self dies can Christ come forth in us. Only through death to self can one experience full deliverance.

Satan knows that he is thwarted when a person dies to self in order to live for Christ. Therefore, the devil's strategy is to entice us to set our own agenda and follow selfish pursuits instead of a commitment to God's purposes. We see the devil's strategy very clearly at work in Scripture's two classic examples of temptation: the temptations of Eve and of Jesus. How did the Serpent tempt Eve? He tempted her to set aside God's command and gratify self. What three avenues of temptation did he employ? The same avenues that are stated in I John 2:16 - the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life.

'The woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food' - appealed to the lust of her flesh. 'And [was] pleasing to the eyes' - appealed to the lust of the eyes. 'And desirable for gaining wisdom' - touched pride. See: Genesis 3:6

The devil's three-pronged temptations of Jesus followed exactly the same pattern. (Matthew 4:1-11). He tempted Christ to turn stones into bread in order to gratify the lust of the flesh. He further tempted Jesus through the lust of the eyes by showing Him the kingdoms of the world and their glory and offering them to Him in exchange for His worship. The third temptation appealed to the pride of life: Jesus was urged to leap from the pinnacle of the temple, depending upon angels to catch him, thus making a public display that would draw men's acclaim.

Ever since Eden, Satan has continued to use the same three temptations to draw men and women out of their devotion to God and into self-idolatry.

If Jesus had yielded to any one of these temptations it would have disqualified Him from becoming our Savior. He would have sinned, having abandoned the Father's will in preference to fulfill His own desires. Throughout His earthly sojourn, Jesus spoke and acted only in accord with the Father's will. He never acted independently of the Heavenly Father. In His acceptance of the Cross, He declared, 'Not as I will, but as you will' Matt. 26:39. This is why Jesus could victoriously announce, 'The prince of this world is coming. He has no hold on me' John 14:30.

The Persons of the Godhead never act independently of One Another. Likewise, in order for us to have victory over the devil and his demons, we cannot act independently of God. This is why the Bible tells us in James 4:7, 'Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you'. Submission to God comes through the surrender of one's own will. Only through such surrender can one effectively resist the devil.

Goals for deliverance must go beyond casting out demons. We must identify the devil's schemes and shut the door against him. We must be determined in Christ to keep demons from coming back once they have been driven out. These goals cannot be achieved apart from victory over self. Uncrucified self gives demons an opportunity to take up residence in our lives.

Paul expressed the formula for victory in these words: 'I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me' Gal. 2:20.

To reiterate, every demon is a self-oriented spirit. Any demon, by whatever name described, either pulls down or puffs up the 'self'. When 'self' gets the attention, God is no longer central in one's life. This is why our greatest need for deliverance is deliverance from 'self'. For anyone expecting lasting victory over the devil and evil spirits, the self-life must be crucified and all self-related spirits evicted.

'Anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.' Matt. 10:39
COMMON 'SELF' SPIRITS

Self-pity, Self-accusation, Self-rejection, Self-condemnation, Self-will, Self-rule, Selfishness, Self-deception, Self-seduction, Self-delusion, Self-consciousness, Self-analysis, Self-evaluation, Self-concern, Self-indulgence, Self-gratification, Self-savior, Self-defeat, Self-reproach, Self-concern, Self-criticism, Self-vindication, Self-hatred, Self-flagellation, Self-exaltation, Self-promotion, Self-destruction, Self-reward

Taken from http://www.nemontel.net/~word1/deliverance_from_self.htm

Proverbs 17:22

A Change Will Do You Good

Meadow's before Picture

Take a deep breath....here we go!!

I saved the first cut...

I started to wonder....

Can you see her grin in the mirror?

Almost finished....

A little more....

Whoosh.....

Ahhhh......

Finally.... Doesn't the cut fit her?

Gorgeous girl...she looks so much older!

I love it! I love it!! I love it!!!
Thank-You Teresa.

Cut by Teresa Jones at Divine Design.

Sharing Wise Words

This is from a bloggy friend of mine. The whole post can be found at Internet Cafe Devotions-All The Things I Can Not Do.

My last post was very long, sometimes I am simply too expressive. This sums up what the Lord revealed to me in a nut shell without the details.


Proverbs 19:21 says, “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” (NIV) My God purposed me for a destiny created just for me. He knew my limitations before I did and that did not change His mind about the things He created me to do. When I let go of my predisposed beliefs about my purpose and I take on the purposes of God then I realize that “I CAN do everything through Him who gives me strength.” Phil 4:13

Now, I spend time listening to the heart of God. Using my gifts, strengths and abilities in alignment with Him allows me to overcome my disability and further the kingdom of God in a way I never could on my own.

Is there a circumstance in your life that has limited to you? Is there something you need to lay at the cross? Let’s take time today to get in touch with the one who created us and find out the purpose He has for each of our lives. In doing so, we can overcome our circumstances and become that which God created us to be.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

More of Him and Less of Me

You know after I wrote the last post and then read the replies I have to admit that I had a sense of guilt set in on me. I felt, honestly, as if I had been insensitive to those of you who are still struggling so hard to have a child.

I apologize if my post hurt you in any way.

I know too that none of you meant to make me feel guilty.

It's just another one of those horrible things about infertility.

In a sense, I feel like the peace that I have, hurts others the same way it would had I been with child. No one means to be hurt when they hear the news but somehow its hard to find that true joy when your own pain is still so very real.

I just wanted to elaborate more on the peace that I feel. Please don't be hurt or offended. Please don't allow the enemy to turn my words around and use them to accuse you of NOT doing something that I have done. Nor, to convince you that somehow, not having peace is like infertility and its your fault that you haven't received it.

That was one of my biggest battles. Believing it was my fault that I couldn't receive. That is was my fault I couldn't conceive. That it was unrepented sin, or that I wasn't righteous enough.

You know what I speak of. I've read many of your blogs and know that the Lord has revealed to most of us that its not our fault. He isn't punishing us either.

Peace was a process.

And I'm quite sure that each of our processes are and will be quite different.

It was nothing of me, it was ALL from Him.

I prayed for a long time for that peace and for that longing for another child to ease. To stop consuming me, my every thought, my every action. It began with the realization that I was more focused on me. I was in fact SO focused on me that I was angry when I didn't get what I wanted, or what I thought I deserved.

All of those questions I asked of the Lord, "Why her Father and not me? Am I not a good enough mother? Do you not hear my prayers? Do you not love me?"

The answers He gave to me were hard to hear at first. Actually to be VERY honest with you, the Lord had been trying to answer me for a long time BUT I couldn't hear it, I wouldn't listen, because I KNEW the Lord was not saying what I wanted to hear. The fear would knot up in my stomach as the thoughts of never being pregnant again came to my mind and I would want to vomit.

I went through the process where I prayed constantly, I begged and I pleaded with God like somehow I thought I could change His mind. My heart wasn't for God or for His will, even though I would pray those words, "Your will be done" or "If it's Your will Lord."

My heart was saying I want what *I* want. I know what I want isn't wrong, it is VERY right and I can give You scripture to prove it. You give it to everyone around me, even those who don't want it, so why, why would you withhold the one thing I want so desperately from me?

I went through a phase that I wondered, "could I still love and serve God if He said no?" Was my desire so strong that I would remain angry with God?

I was angry with God.

I had to tell Him, so I did. I cried out to Him and I confessed all of the horrible, ugly thoughts I was thinking and I asked Him to forgive me.

"Don't let me go, Father, whatever You do, do NOT let me go. Do NOT allow me to push You away."

I began to force myself to be thankful for what I had. To look around me and imagine it all gone, lost in a moment, and me left standing alone....with nothing. I began to praise God and thank him for every moment, every thing, every person, every face, every day that He had given me.

The Lord asked me, "Jennifer, how much do you love Me?"

"Oh Lord," I replied, "I love You so much."

"Do you?" the Lord said.

When the Lord asked this of Peter and and Peter said, "Yes Lord." The Lord replied, "Feed My sheep." In fact, He replied this three times. FEED MY SHEEP.

I started thinking about love and what love is and I realized that my love had cracks in it.

I looked around me at my family and realized that my happiness was dependent upon things like having a good day. I was happy when things went my way. To talk to me, I'd tell you that I had the perfect life, short of being able to conceive, and that I was the most blessed and happiest woman in the world. But if you had asked my children or my husband, they would have told you the exact opposite. They would have told you that I was angry and full of rage. I was depressed and extremely unhappy. I was short tempered and cruel with my words. That they didn't, they couldn't make me happy and that I had made them feel like they weren't enough.

In my pain, I had hurt them so deeply.

I looked at my husband and the children I have and I realized that when I was angry with them or when they done things to make me unhappy, I withheld my love from them.

I handle pain by lashing out.

I have since I was a child. I've always been a fighter.

I just never showed the love and happiness I truly did feel for them because my pain consumed me.

In turn, I had also, in my anger towards the Lord, withheld my love from Him. I suppose in a way I was trying to hurt Him because I blamed Him and I felt like He was hurting me.

My focus was SO wrong. I didn't have a heart after God's heart. I didn't have the deepest desire in the world to share His gospel, His truth. I didn't have the deepest desire to see lost souls saved.

I had fallen over into a pit of doubt and unbelief. I had questioned everything that I had claimed to believe.

It was at this point that the Lord began to show me again what love really was. He reminded me of how He created the world and Adam and Eve sinned but He still loved them. How He had sent His son to die on the old rugged cross to save mankind from hell. To bring us out from under the law into His grace. How He longed and desired to be enough for me, to make me happy. How He still loved me perfectly and wholly just as much as He loves everyone else.

He took me through scriptures like 1 Corinthians chapter 13 reminding what love REALLY is. He whispered the words UNCONDITIONAL LOVE in my ear over and over and over and over until I began to grasp what that meant. (I still try each day to grasp a little more of it.) I realized it was a love I could never offer with out HIM.

I began to empty myself out to Him. Everyday I would empty myself out to Him. I asked Him to change me, to help me, to teach me and to strengthen me.

Without Him, there is no good thing in me.

Over time, in little steps, in little things, my love for my desires grew smaller while my love for my Savior grew bigger.

I focused on my husband and our relationship. I focused on how to show him my happiness and to love him just as Christ loves me. I started GIVING as much as I could give to him and the Lord blessed our relationship by strengthening it and drawing us closer together than ever.

I began to focus on my children and how to show them my love for them and how pleased and happy I was with them. I started GIVING them more than I had before. I began to show them love even when I was upset with them. This made such a difference!

I began to focus on my friends and my family, even people that the Lord would put in my path and I began to love them, I began to GIVE myself and the Lord slowly drew my desire out of me as I was obeying Him and His word.

No idle hands, no idle times.

I realized one day that I felt so full of peace I could bust. As I thought about having another child I realized the desire was almost completely gone. Trying to imagine myself swelled with life didn't bring the same satisfaction.

Instead I was having visions of missions trips and helping people in ways that I never had before. I began to realize that there were things inside of me that I wanted to do and if I were to have another child those things would be put on hold for a long long time. They weren't things *I* had wanted to do, they were NEW desires, the things God wants me to do.

My season had changed.

I realized also, that the Lord had answered one of my prayers and it wasn't the one that I had wanted Him to answer. It was actually the one that I had feared the most. But He is my Father, and He alone knows what is best for me, He alone knows what HE has in store for me, He alone knows the details of the purpose He has planned for me, He alone knows the call I have yet to fulfill.

It is up to me to trust that. Trust HIM.

Wholly and completely.

I was saddened by all the time I had wasted being miserable because I didn't have what I had thought I wanted more than anything in the world. I was sad by the pain I had caused others. I was ashamed that I had been ungrateful and that I hadn't loved or trusted my Father. I felt that I had been selfish, I had been you know, very selfish. That doesn't mean my selfishness wasn't understandable but even so, that didn't make it something other than what it was.

I had coveted.

I had not been content.

I had not been serving God.

Now, today, I am not perfect and I do not live a perfect life. I still have days that I struggle. Some days I fall. I choose to get up and I choose to refocus my eyes on Christ, I ask Him to help me carry my cross and to use me, and that somehow, someway I might be a help to someone else in need.

So that is my prayer for each one of you, that the Lord would bring you peace and show you the purpose that He has set before you. May He consume you. May your lives be filled with More of Him and less of you.

May there be no room for pain.

In the name of Jesus Christ.

Amen.

H-E-L-L-O-O-O

Is there anybody o-u-t t-h-e-r-e???

Sorry but ya know lately I just don't know what to say. I'm completely off the wagon as far as weight loss goes. Not even sure where I'd weigh in at now but I know I've gained. I've just been enjoying life, homeschooling the girls, focusing on my marriage and having a good time.

As far as the infertility goes I'm going to be 38 this year and I'm satisfied. My oldest daughter just married and I'm okay with not having any more children. Most months I'm actually thankful when the red stain comes.

Gosh, ya know, I read that and it sounds cold but God really did answer that prayer. I asked Him, "Hey Daddy-if it isn't Your will for me to have more children could you please take away this tormenting desire?"

And He did.

Even though I know the Doctors found NOTHING wrong with me and the Doctors found nothing wrong with my husband and I COULD get pregnant any ole month now.....I'm simply NOT tormented when the red stain comes.

Now, this month I did wonder. It was an off month and I had signs. It was of course a false alarm and I was emotional but not devastated. After two days I was relieved.

Parenting is hard. I can tell you that the teen years can make you rethink a lot of things. God has worked everything out and I'm ever so grateful for my three gorgeous daughters and our lives together and I do not regret one thing. There are those days that I don't want to start over again. Meadow will be 8 in July.

8

Time just flies doesn't it?

I've moved onto to focusing more on the life I have, the one I live everyday, instead of coveting one that I don't.

I like where I am right now and I give God all the glory, because let me tell you, after 5 plus years of trying to conceive, begging God and wondering why, its really GOOD to be at peace.

I pray that each one of you come to know His peace whether it be by conceiving or not.

Hugs!