Oh Dear, it's been a while

Sorry about that. To be honest....I've just felt horrible. I haven't felt good enough to write or read. I've been battling some major irritability and well....depression. I HATE to say that, admit it. I have felt so bad. Muscle aches, hurting in my joints. I was convinced it was my thyroid.

Finally, after two batches of blood work it was discovered that I have a severe Vitamin D deficiency.

I was SO glad when they found this. I do believe my dh and my doctor thought that I was on the verge of having some sort of breakdown. I know I sure felt like I was losing my mind but I knew there was something wrong with me and that it wasn't all in my head. It was just so hard getting others to believe me...until they found it. My have I been rejoicing!

Heaven is doing well. She was 24 weeks today. And guess what?? Guess what we found out at her sonogram? I should have shared already and I thought about it countless times but I was surely convinced I'd cry though the whole thing just as I've done almost every day for the last while so I didn't.

Heaven is having................

a baby boy!

Can you imagine?

How sweet God is.

I've prayed all these years for a son. Even year before last I was trying so hard to conceive and now just a mere 2 years later I'm getting a grandson. I'm so happy. There just aren't any words to express.

My brother and his fiance just had a baby boy on Monday. They named him Derron Valor. He is BEAUTIFUL. I'm not exaggerating either. He is BEAUTIFUL. Oh, it was so awesome to hold him and breath in his newborn scent. Nothing in the world beats that.

Here he is:

It was a bittersweet day. We arrived at the hospital around 7:30 am and awaiting his birth which came quickly. He was born by c-section around 8:00 am. After we seen him and took his gorgeous pictures we went upstairs on a different floor in the hospital where my sweet precious grandmother was. I had visited her on Friday too and I hadn't seen her since Christmas. She fussed at me for being slack and not coming sooner. (I just couldn't, I was so emotional and going through so much mentally that I couldn't bare to see her or poppa in the state/shape they were in.) On Monday when we all went up she called us each by name and hugged us. I was the last one. Everyone else had left the room already. She asked me for a hug. I kissed on her cheek because she had an oxygen mask hooked up to her and lots of wires and things. She said, "No, I didn't say a kiss, I said I wanted a hug." I hugged her and she said, "I want a good hug." So I reached around all the garb and hugged her precious neck so tight. She said, "Now that was a good hug!" Then she told me just as she had the rest of the family that was there to see her that day that she was tired and wanted to be left alone. She said, "I'm going to take me a nap."

"Okay Nannie, you sleep and we'll bring the baby up in just a little bit to see you." I told her. She shook her head okay.

We went back down to the birthing center and went in to see my brother's fiance and new son. It hadn't been 10 minutes when they came to tell us that she had passed away.

We had her funeral on Wednesday. It was a long day. Full of sorrow and yet full of comfort and joy.

The hardest part was seeing my pa. He and my nannie would have been married 65 years on July 6th. Can you imagine spending 65 years with someone and then having to watch them die before you? His pain broke my heart.

I knew nannie was ready to go and I knew she was suffering. I was able to let her go with a sigh of relief that she wouldn't have to fight for another breath.

It's been an emotional time. I'll catch up with you ladies soon. If I cross your mind please keep me and my family in your prayers.

Thanks

A Different Place

Today I was reading back through my blog.

Two years.

It's a long time and yet 2 years isn't long at all.

For me,  last year is almost an eternity ago.

I can't believe the place I was in. It's so easy to forget the pain. Reading my own words is like looking into someone else's life.

I'm so thankful that I started this blog. I'm so thankful that I can go back and read where I was and what I went through. I'm so thankful that the Lord has healed me and brought me to a new place.

I'm thankful that I have met each of you. SO many of you now have a baby! I think,  if I'm counting right only 3 of you are still waiting. A few of you are on your journeys to #2. I continue to pray for all of you, that every family will have as many children as they want.

May the New Year of 2010 bring more answered prayers and God richly bless each of you!

Missing Blog Friend

You know who you are.

Please send me an e-mail.

When I visited your page and you were no longer there I cried.

Lost out there in cyber space realizing that there is absolutely no way I can find you or contact you, now that you are gone, unless by some happenstance you stop by here and see this cry and that you'll respond.

Please know that I'm praying for you, I love you and the thought of never hearing from you again makes me sick.

You hang in there friend.

BIG HUGS

Sleepless Nights

I am SO off schedule. Up all night and sleep all day. It makes me feel even worse physically but this morning I'm thankful that spiritually I feel whole, right and awake! I was reading in God's word and He gave me this just now.....

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us! Romans 5:6-8 NIV

I love this, I see in this verse that I didn't have to be good enough for God to love me, that I've done NOTHING to deserve His free gift. I've been justified by HIS blood and saved from God's wrath through HIS Son! I was powerless before, but through Jesus Christ I am righteous and powerful! 

This wasn't something that I didn't know before, just something that I needed reminded of. Thanks Lord, I needed to hear this, this sleepless morn! I thought that maybe you did too?!  

Ironic

My life is so like Alanis Morissette's song Ironic. 

I really wanted to go back to school this semester. Really bad. 

I was approved for a full Pell grant and it wouldn't have costed me a dime. 

I needed to take the college entrance test and they only had two dates set up before classes began. 

I was going to take the first one but got the puking virus and couldn't go.

I WENT to take the second one and the class filled up, it was a first come first serve test that started at 9:00 am Saturday morning. 

Sigh.

I got there at 5 til, they turned away maybe 5 people in front of my and at least that after me. 

I was told that if I had financial aid to insist they have another testing Monday. 

It was almost 6:00pm  Monday evening before they returned my call.

When they finally did, I was told there was a problem with my financial aid, and that by the time they could work it out, and get me tested I'd be a full week behind in classes.

Being a first time student there I was advised to wait until the next semester. 

UGH. 

I hate feeling like my fate is stacked against me. Sometimes I think it doesn't matter what I do, I'll never succeed or get ahead. I live a life of Murphy's Law and it sickens me. My bread will always fall mayo side down. Always. I'll break my favorite cup or one of my kids will. I'll get a puking virus during first test times and be outnumbered during seconds. :) 

I know, I know, it's all in how you look at it. Is the cup half empty or half full. 

Lately though, its been bad. Anything that can go wrong has gone wrong. 

Maybe I am a little depressed? Is it the freezing cold, the winter blues, or that I feel cursed??? 

I don't know. 

I know that God is in control, even when I don't like the direction my life is taking. Maybe He sees something in my future that I can't and it's His blessing that I'm not in school this semester. It's just especially disheartening because it's taken me a few years to get up the courage to go back. I could have gone in the fall but chickened out. I finally get up the guts to GO and the door is closed. 

Am I really looking forward to spring? 

Heaven is still so sick. She is throwing up the Phenergan.  Keep her in your prayers. 

I'm okay, I just needed to vent. I love that I can come here and be honest, even when it isn't pretty. 

:) I'll get things straight for next semester. I'm looking up,  I promise! 

Tired

I've been so tired lately. We've slowed way down on doing things. Christmas Eve Heaven and Matt were in a horrible car accident. They are fine, so I'll leave it at that for now. It was the other guys fault, totaled her car but they and the baby are fine.

She is 15 weeks and 1 day. She felt the baby yesterday!

I'm trying to get into the local community college. It's been a pain in the rear. The financial aid is there but their test classes have been full. I'm going in the morning to beg some mercy as classes start tomorrow. Sigh

I'll let you know how it goes. Good night.

Merry Christmas

Below are a few of our before Christmas pictures. I hope and pray that all of you have a very Merry Christmas!

Introvert?

Maybe I am an introvert. Hmmmm I've never really thought about it having a name. I'll have to look a little more into that.

Things did go well, Tony ended up canceling the Saturday night gig because we did, after all, have to bake three turkeys for the banquet. :)

Friday I helped him get ready to go to the school, but couldn't go, because we realized that the kids knew me, and I'd be a dead give away to who HE really was!

Sky's party went really well, I can't believe my middle baby is 14! Where does time go?

The banquet was fabulous and I had a great time. I've just not felt real well, I think I'm getting a cold and I've been sportin a sinus headache for far too long. I'm laying back on the couch now as I type thanking the Lord that we are on a Christmas break and NOT having to do school.

Heaven is 11 weeks and 4 days and still sick as a dog. Last night she called crying because she couldn't stop vomiting. Everything she'd eaten since breakfast yesterday came right back up. We get to hear the babies heartbeat the next visit in January.

Are you ready for Christmas? I am. I can't wait. I'm very excited. The only thing missing is the snow!

Let it Snow! Let is Snow! Let it Snow!

How are all of you? I continue to pray that the Lord open the wombs of those of you still in waiting and that He keep His hand upon all of you who are expecting. Hugs to all my infertility friends this holiday season.

Winter Blues? Self Diagnosis...

Winter Blues? Or is it depression? Care to help me?

I'm not sure what it is I'm going through, if it even has a name, or if it should have a name. I don't necessarily think so. I feel fine, I love the winter time, the cold, and being a stay at home mom. I like not leaving my house for days on end. I like cooking, baking, laying back, watching movies and enjoying a season that is so easy to be lazy in. I have no problems with it all.

The problem?

It seems that others don't feel the same way. I believe to other people signs of not wanting to have to go and do things and stay home are signs of depression.

My hubby is a very social man, he loves pleasing people and doing social events. He has a Santa suite and my, oh my, he makes a very gorgeous Santa. He hasn't had many gigs this winter but has two this weekend. Friday he goes to a preschool program and Saturday night is a church visitation.

Friday is also Sky's birthday party and Sunday is our church's Christmas dinner. We were asked to head up the Christmas dinner, which basically isn't a lot. Just fixing menu's and getting the members to sign up. Then of course that night we have to make sure things are going as they should and people are doing what they should. Just over seeing things.

It is cold outside and they are calling for a wintry mix Saturday night.

The problem?

I'm dreading the whole thing. Every single bit of it. Me, I want to stay home, in my warm house and snuggle with my family. I soooo wish we didn't have a single plan this weekend. To me, it feels like a HUGE load. It feels like SO much we have to do.

I voiced this to my hubby this morning and he doesn't understand. I can't help that I feel the way I do. I don't necessarily want to feel this way. The reason I wish that I felt different is to please my husband. Still, I just want to stay home. BUT I can't because the guilt would consume me. I would feel so guilty for not going and helping.

By talking to my husband about how I feel though has put some sort of burden on him. He now feels bad that he has asked me to help out because he now knows how badly I don't want to go.

This wasn't my intention. I was just talking it out, I was hoping he'd....console me? Talk me through it? I don't know what I was thinking but I wish I'd of kept it to myself. He doesn't understand at all and he thinks I can just choose to WANT to go. That I could just look at it differently.

I never said I wouldn't go. I just said I DREAD it.

I feel so overwhelmed.

I really do dread it.

Not just one day but the entire weekend.

I hate the thought of having to do something every day. Not having just one single day that I don't have to leave the house and go out in the cold. That isn't completely true. I'm leaving something out. Even if I had one day it wouldn't change the dread. The real point I suppose, is that I don't want to have to get out in the cold or go into the crowds around all the people. Knowing I'm commitmed makes me angry because I feel like I HAVE to go or I'll be disappointing people, especially my husband. So it feels like a weight on my shoulders. Like I have no choice.

It'll lift when it's over and the next time I'm asked to do something I'll most likely say no for a long while.

Where I struggle is trying to determine if I'm depressed or if I'm normal.

Then I wonder what normal really is. Sometimes I think the world is crazy for feeling like it has to be in this social state of busy all the time. Whatever happened to family time? Why does everyone feel like they have to be DOING something in order to feel like the are accomplishing something or doing something with their life? For me, being a stay at home mom and homeschooling my girls is more than enough.

My hubby would say, we never do anything. That these busy weekends are few and far between and he is right. Every weekend isn't like this. And there are times when they are and I do enjoy them. But right now, the thoughts of this weekend make me almost mad, because I don't feel like doing it but I'm committed.

Then I feel horrible because it's hurt my husband. He doesn't understand how I feel and to him it feels personal. It's not, I assure you. I love him so much. We are just so different. I hate the struggle and the distance it seems to put between us.

When I talked to him this morning I honestly didn't realize how it would make him feel. I didn't plan the conversation or contemplate the outcome. I was just talking to him about how I felt.

When he shared how it made him feel it upset me because THAT was NOT what I was INTENDING. It has nothing to do with him directly. The reason I go anyway is BECAUSE I love him and want to make him happy. But now, all he sees is how miserable I'll be doing it, and as far as he's concerned I can stay home and he'll find someone else to go.

Situations like this suck.

Opinions?

I have to add this part. The phone just rang and I didn't recognize the number. It was one of Tony's friends and he had gotten another deer. He doesn't eat the deer he kills so he always calls us and we pick it up, clean it, cut it and can it. Or take it to have it processed. If we clean it ourselves it takes at least a day, we get it cut up and have to soak it over night sometimes two before canning. I usually go on the mountain to his  mom's and spend the night and can. Most of the time I get 14 quarts of meat.

You would think if I were depressed that this call would have added to the overwhelming feeling that I have about the above events but it didn't. The thought that I might actually get to go and do something productive for my family and NOT have to do the above things removes the guilt I'd feel for not going. I actually got excited about it.

So, in hindsight, wouldn't you think it sounds more like an anxiety instead of a depression?