Winter Blues? Self Diagnosis...

Winter Blues? Or is it depression? Care to help me?

I'm not sure what it is I'm going through, if it even has a name, or if it should have a name. I don't necessarily think so. I feel fine, I love the winter time, the cold, and being a stay at home mom. I like not leaving my house for days on end. I like cooking, baking, laying back, watching movies and enjoying a season that is so easy to be lazy in. I have no problems with it all.

The problem?

It seems that others don't feel the same way. I believe to other people signs of not wanting to have to go and do things and stay home are signs of depression.

My hubby is a very social man, he loves pleasing people and doing social events. He has a Santa suite and my, oh my, he makes a very gorgeous Santa. He hasn't had many gigs this winter but has two this weekend. Friday he goes to a preschool program and Saturday night is a church visitation.

Friday is also Sky's birthday party and Sunday is our church's Christmas dinner. We were asked to head up the Christmas dinner, which basically isn't a lot. Just fixing menu's and getting the members to sign up. Then of course that night we have to make sure things are going as they should and people are doing what they should. Just over seeing things.

It is cold outside and they are calling for a wintry mix Saturday night.

The problem?

I'm dreading the whole thing. Every single bit of it. Me, I want to stay home, in my warm house and snuggle with my family. I soooo wish we didn't have a single plan this weekend. To me, it feels like a HUGE load. It feels like SO much we have to do.

I voiced this to my hubby this morning and he doesn't understand. I can't help that I feel the way I do. I don't necessarily want to feel this way. The reason I wish that I felt different is to please my husband. Still, I just want to stay home. BUT I can't because the guilt would consume me. I would feel so guilty for not going and helping.

By talking to my husband about how I feel though has put some sort of burden on him. He now feels bad that he has asked me to help out because he now knows how badly I don't want to go.

This wasn't my intention. I was just talking it out, I was hoping he'd....console me? Talk me through it? I don't know what I was thinking but I wish I'd of kept it to myself. He doesn't understand at all and he thinks I can just choose to WANT to go. That I could just look at it differently.

I never said I wouldn't go. I just said I DREAD it.

I feel so overwhelmed.

I really do dread it.

Not just one day but the entire weekend.

I hate the thought of having to do something every day. Not having just one single day that I don't have to leave the house and go out in the cold. That isn't completely true. I'm leaving something out. Even if I had one day it wouldn't change the dread. The real point I suppose, is that I don't want to have to get out in the cold or go into the crowds around all the people. Knowing I'm commitmed makes me angry because I feel like I HAVE to go or I'll be disappointing people, especially my husband. So it feels like a weight on my shoulders. Like I have no choice.

It'll lift when it's over and the next time I'm asked to do something I'll most likely say no for a long while.

Where I struggle is trying to determine if I'm depressed or if I'm normal.

Then I wonder what normal really is. Sometimes I think the world is crazy for feeling like it has to be in this social state of busy all the time. Whatever happened to family time? Why does everyone feel like they have to be DOING something in order to feel like the are accomplishing something or doing something with their life? For me, being a stay at home mom and homeschooling my girls is more than enough.

My hubby would say, we never do anything. That these busy weekends are few and far between and he is right. Every weekend isn't like this. And there are times when they are and I do enjoy them. But right now, the thoughts of this weekend make me almost mad, because I don't feel like doing it but I'm committed.

Then I feel horrible because it's hurt my husband. He doesn't understand how I feel and to him it feels personal. It's not, I assure you. I love him so much. We are just so different. I hate the struggle and the distance it seems to put between us.

When I talked to him this morning I honestly didn't realize how it would make him feel. I didn't plan the conversation or contemplate the outcome. I was just talking to him about how I felt.

When he shared how it made him feel it upset me because THAT was NOT what I was INTENDING. It has nothing to do with him directly. The reason I go anyway is BECAUSE I love him and want to make him happy. But now, all he sees is how miserable I'll be doing it, and as far as he's concerned I can stay home and he'll find someone else to go.

Situations like this suck.

Opinions?

I have to add this part. The phone just rang and I didn't recognize the number. It was one of Tony's friends and he had gotten another deer. He doesn't eat the deer he kills so he always calls us and we pick it up, clean it, cut it and can it. Or take it to have it processed. If we clean it ourselves it takes at least a day, we get it cut up and have to soak it over night sometimes two before canning. I usually go on the mountain to his  mom's and spend the night and can. Most of the time I get 14 quarts of meat.

You would think if I were depressed that this call would have added to the overwhelming feeling that I have about the above events but it didn't. The thought that I might actually get to go and do something productive for my family and NOT have to do the above things removes the guilt I'd feel for not going. I actually got excited about it.

So, in hindsight, wouldn't you think it sounds more like an anxiety instead of a depression?

Resting

I'm so tired! Things with Heaven are great. No more spotting praise God! She is 9 weeks today. Can you believe that? I can't. Time seems to be flying by.

The next doctor's appointment is Friday but I think I'll have to change it Monday for Heaven because she has some school work to do that day.

We had a blessed Thanksgiving and I'm praying that each of you did also.

I just wanted to check in since it'd been a while.

Hugs to you all!

We are home from the Doctor!

We got to see the baby and the heartbeat! Heaven and the baby are great! More great news too! She does only have one cervix BUT her cervix covers both uteri and she can carry a baby in each womb successfully!

PRAISE GOD! HALLELUJAH! FATHER GOD I PRAISE YOUR HOLY NAME!

What a mighty God we serve! He answered our prayers! They believe the small amount of spotting is coming from the right uterus. Because she is pregnant in the left uterus the right uterus that doesn't have a babe in it is acting like there is a baby in it. That uterus has no way of knowing there is a second uterus and that the babe is inside of it.

I'm SOOO happy!!!!!!!!

She is 6 weeks and 6 days and will be 7 weeks tomorrow. Her due date is July 3rd, 2010.

A hearty thank-you to all of you faithful prayer warriors! 

Wooohoooo

The Days are Dragging By

I know it feels that way because I'm anticipating Friday. It's cold and raining here, gloomy I'd say.


Even so, listen to this mornings scripture:

“God's voice thunders in marvelous ways; he does great things beyond our understanding. He says to the snow, 'Fall on the earth,' and to the rain shower, 'Be a mighty downpour.”-Job 37:5-6 

How beautiful is that?! Makes a gloomy day feel blessed. :)


I thought I'd take a second to check in to sort of make things feel like they were passing by faster. Did it work? LOL

Heaven didn't spot for two days and then this evening she spotted again. 

Three more days until we see the doctor again! 

Thanks for continuing to pray for Heaven and her baby. 

Just Checking In

No news really, Heaven stopped spotting for several days and then started again. Once it was heavier, but then it quit.

Last night we had a Youth Rally and all the pastors gathered around Heaven and we all prayed over her. I'm trusting God to take care of this baby. He created him/her and He knew him/her before He knit him/her in Heaven's womb. He knows what is best.

It's taken me a bit to come to this peace of mind but I know He is God no matter what. I continue to speak life over Heaven and her womb and I will give God all the glory over this child's life.

Thank-you for your continued prayers.

Doctor's appointment is this Friday.

Hugs to you all. You have no idea how much you each mean to me.

Limbo

Okay I'm finally home.

So far so good!

They compared her sonogram to her blood work and both are saying 5 weeks. The doctor says it is very probable that she is just not as far long as they thought. He explained that all women ovulate at different times each month and its highly possible she ovulated late which would put her at 5 weeks instead of 8.

She has NOT spotted today. She only spotted once yesterday evening.

The plan is to return next Friday and they are going to do more blood work to check her HSG levels and they are going to do another sonogram to compare to the blood work. This will show if things are progressing in a timely manner or not. So praise God!

Thank-you all for praying us through thus far!

So we are in for another week of waiting.

They found something else.

When they did her sonogram they discovered that she has two full uteruses. Her ovaries are normal, only two. Next week he is going to examine her to check for two cervixes. I've never heard of this before in my entire life. The doctor says that this happens in every 150 women. I surely wouldn't think it's that common. Maybe I misunderstood the number. She is pregnant in the left uterus. Two different nurses we spoke with today knew women with two uteruses and both had had two babies at once, one of the women had had two babies twice. They do not call this twins because they are in different uterus's. Have any of you ever heard of this?

The doctor says that this will not cause complications with her pregnancy, nor do women with this have a higher chance of miscarriage so there is no need for concern. It just strikes me as very odd.

Thoughts? 

Editing:

 I've been reading and found different statistics. 

1 in 2500 and 1 in 1000. 

I've read that because she has two they aren't as big as one. This means that even though there is one baby she'd carry it as though it were twins, having only half the room. There seems to be a high rate of preterm labor due to lack of room. There are also many that carry full term. 

If we discover there are in fact duplicate cervixes then there will always be a possibility of  her conceiving in both uteruses. 

 Miscarriage rates seem to be the same for women with double uteruses as they are in women without, you just never know. They were higher in women who had a second uterus with no cervix, due to the egg planting in the wrong uterus. 

Without a cervix it can't survive.

We will definitely have more questions next week when we return. 

From what I read, she'll be considered high risk with a higher risk of c-section. 

The doctor brushed it off as though it were nothing. He did say he'd be looking for the duplicate cervix next week. 

Definitely keep her covered in prayer.

Bad Speculations

I never should have thought all that out loud as nothing could be further from what is happening.

Her HCG was 5565 and the nurse said that this is normal for someone who is in the range of 3-4 weeks pregnant. They did NOT check her progesterone.

I looked online and HCG levels of 5500 were normal for pregnancies anywhere between week 3 to week 7. From what I read they varied a lot.

The nurse still assures me that everything is fine and that the sonogram coupled with the blood work is what will inform them of whats going on.

I'm a little more at peace tonight than I was today.

I broke down crying on the phone with the nurse.

I didn't realize how I was bottling up this fear until that moment. I'm so glad that Heaven was at school and not here to see me. I'm so glad that I broke down today and not tomorrow. I don't want Heaven to see my concerns.

She is blissfully happy.

So now I know two things.

She is NOT further along as we had hoped for.

She is NOT pregnant with twins.

Today her spotting stopped. None this morning, none this afternoon, but then it came again tonight. Just a wee little bit, really dark brown.

The nurse says this is a really good thing. She talked with me for a long time today. She was so comforting to me.

I pray my baby girl and her baby are fine. Just fine.

It helps to come here and share. When I started this blog it was for me to voice my anger and feelings over my own infertility. I never dreamed that it would become a place for me to come about other things. Especially not like this, but nevertheless, I am thankful for it and for each of you. You have no idea the peace it brings to know you all are out there and that you are praying for my daughter and grandbaby. I wish I could hug each one of you.

I'll be back tomorrow evening.

Speculating-bear with me

I've been replaying the nurse's words over and over in my  head.

I knew we needed high HCG levels and low levels could mean the worst case scenerio. So in my mind I'm thinking HIGH numbers.

Right?

Well the nurse said this. "Her levels are HIGH, HIGH, HIGH."

Dummy me, I didn't think to ask WHAT levels were high and what the exact numbers were. I'm on total new ground in this area.

Did they test her progesterone when they test her HCG?

So I go and do a search on HIGH HCG levels, which I probably shouldn't be doing at this point because that just gives me more to be concerned about. AND I don't know WHAT her levels are.

There are three possibilities with HIGH HCG levels.

The most logical one is that Heaven is further along that we expected. Which from the previous post I'm sure you can see how this could be possible. The difference between 8 weeks and 14 is HUGE.

This is what I did. Her last known period was Sept. 10.

It was 18 days late.

I counted back 18 days for the date her period would have been due, had it been on time, and that was August 24th.

I went back one month to figure out what her last period would have been and that gives me July 24th.

I counted forward from July 24th and that gave me 13 weeks. (14 weeks on Friday)

That is a BIG difference from September 10th, which would put her at 8 weeks on Thursday.

The second reason I found was multiple births.

The third reason I found, is the one I wish I'd never read.

Something called a Molar Pregnancy.

Honestly I shouldn't be do any of this. It just makes me crazier. I need to go and pray.

The doctor will be in after 1. So hopefully I'll have the totals soon and I'll update again.

Heaven's Update

Okay, yesterday we went in to the doctor. Since it's Heaven's first visit they refused to see her. We didn't have an appointment we just showed up. Her appointment isn't until the 12th. I was persistent. They finally had the nurse go and talk to the doctor. This is the same doctor that delivered Sky and Meadow for me. I love them. They are very good.

After speaking with the doctor the nurse came out and told us that this is very normal. I stopped her right there. "No, I'm 38 years old and I've never heard of this before in my entire life"...(well, except on my blog!) She said, "I'm being honest, it happens. We believe everything is fine BUT just to be on the safe side we are sending her for blood work today and depending on the results, we may be sending her again in 48 hours."

In talking more in-depth with Heaven I discovered a weird thing. Her last period in September was 18 days late.

She took five pregnancy test.

3 invalid

1 negative

1 positive

This will throw more into the mix if we discover she is further along than we originally thought.

She can't remember her period that month when she did get it. That is aggravating to me. She can't remember if her period was normal, light ect... just that she wrote down that her period started on September 10th.

On the positive end, her pregnancy signs are increasing. She is getting heavy nausea both when she does eat and when she does not. She is constipated and has numerous other signs. These are good things!

She is still spotting, dark brown again, a tiny amount. The size of a dime and sometimes a quarter. She is not cramping.

I did not experience this, ever, with my pregnancies. I only experienced the light pink tinge of implantation. I have read that Heaven's type of spotting happens in 25 percent of women. Of the 25 percent, half of the pregnancies are normal. I'm praying Heaven will fall in THAT percentage.

I speak life over Heaven's womb and ask the Lord to save the life of this unborn child. In Jesus Christ' mighty name.

So please continue your prayers.

Update

The doctor's office just called. They apologized for not being able to call us yesterday with the results. It was hard waiting. Her blood work came back great! I'm so glad! They have scheduled an ultrasound tomorrow at 12:45. The nurse said they would compare the sonogram to the blood work and that if things didn't match up they would order more blood work.

If you feel led, please go into intercession for this baby!

Thank-you SOOOO much!

I'll update again tomorrow!