Day 29

Last month when the red stain showed I found myself naked on my knees in the shower with scalding hot water pouring on my back, in the dark, while I cried out to God with moans that came from the depths of my soul.

Pain.

Sometimes its so hard to bear.

The door opened and closed, I heard the shower curtain pull back, and my husband stepped in and slid down in the floor, into my darkness with me.

He wanted me to know I wasn't alone.

My oldest daughter is getting married in May.

My middle daughter is turning 13 in December.

My youngest daughter is 7.

I turned 37 last month.

This week my husband, Tony, asked me to wait until today to do a pregnancy test and he asked that we do it together. I don't know why that makes it harder but it does. It's sort of something I've always done alone. Sometimes it feels better to be alone so that you can deal with pain.

I peed in the cup and dipped the test in for 20 seconds. This month I purchased the digital kind that simply reads, "Pregnant or Not Pregnant." No games, no lines, no guessing.

As we laid together in the bed that I had climbed back into surrounding myself with mounds of comfort in my blankets, he asked me if we could pray. Yes, I told him, we can pray. He laid the test aside and He asked the Lord to hear our cry, to answer our prayer.

It touched my heart.

This month was a faith month for me. I've spoken life over my womb almost everyday. Here is a copy of a post that I saved in a draft on day 20.

I just have to confess this, I feel pregnant. I can't explain it but my stomach is feeling anything but normal. I know I'm over analyzing every feeling I'm having but I just had to say it! I feel pregnant!

As I laid in bed listening to my husband cry out to God for us, deep inside, I knew the answer already. I knew it yesterday when I purchased the test. I knew it was pointless but I had to carry on through the motions.

He lifted the test and we read.

Not Pregnant.

Our finances are drained. We aren't going forward with another month. I would if I had the money. I would go to the ends of the earth, no matter what the procedure and no matter what the cost if I could. We just don't have the sources. I will spend the next year or better paying for the treatments we have already had.

I know in my head all I have to be thankful for. But in the moments of despair I do feel as though God hates me.

I read that.

I read it again and I know how untrue it is. I know nothing could be further from the truth. I know His love for me is so great that He sent His Son to die on that old rugged cross to save my soul.

I have prayed for His will to be done and no matter what that is I have to be willing to accept it and move on.

I am most positive in the tomorrows to come I will find joy.

Meadow just came up behind me, clueless as to what I am going through, put her little arms around me, and said,

"Mommy?"

Yes Meadow.

"I love you."

I love you too Meadow.

Those are the sweetest words and I praise God that I get to hear them.

Today, I will have to go through the motions.

I need to focus so that I can Breathe.

Just breathe.

edited to add~
Have you seen this? You'll need to scroll to the bottom of my page and stop my playlist before watching.

Day 22

I called my RE and was told it probably is a yeast infection. I started Monistat and do have relief, praise God!

Someone asked me if I were on progesterone. My RE didn't prescribe it, for some reason my nurse told me that they didn't prescribe it unless you were on injectables. From my reading on the subject I do believe it would benefit me and I did try to get them to prescribe it for me and when they wouldn't I ordered a tube from Nature's Sunshine and I've been using that. It's all natural progesterone. I don't believe the yeast infection is a result of that because you don't start the progesterone until 2 days after ovulation, and for me that was two days after my IUI and the symptoms of the yeast infection were already present Saturday and Sunday before beginning the progesterone. Thank-you for the suggestion though, I didn't know that these could be side effects from progesterone and the more awareness we have the better. This is why I post every symptom, side effect, treatment and gory detail here. :)

My RE also said that because I had a smaller follicle there was a possibility that it had turned into a cyst and this could result in strong pulling in my ovary. Thankfully the pulling has ceased and prayerfully there is no cyst.

Yesterday at 6 a.m. I woke up with the absolute worst stomach ache (in the top of my stomach) that I have ever had in my entire life. I had some kind of horrid virus, and spent the day aching in bed and running trips to the bathroom with diarrhea and vomiting. I didn't have a fever but I broke a sweat every time I had to go to the bathroom. It didn't ease until late last night and I'm grateful its over. I wouldn't wish this stuff on anyone.

I want to thank each of you for your comments, they mean more to me than you could know. Just knowing you aren't alone eases the journey for me so much.

Hopefully only 5 more days to wait, if we decide to do injectables I have to order them on day 27 to make sure they are here by day 28. I'm still undecided if we are going to use them or not though.

Keep praying for a positive test!!!!!!!!

Day 20

I just have to confess this, I feel pregnant. I can't explain it but my stomach is feeling anything but normal. I know I'm over analyzing every feeling I'm having but I just had to say it! I feel pregnant!

Day 19

I was trying so very hard not to update until the first week was down, which isn't until this Friday....but I check here almost everyday and its hard not to post!

I'm doing so so. Emotionally I'm fine, but my body feels weird. I have had a crampy/achy sort of feeling, like a pulling on my left side almost constantly since my IUI. It's not over bearing or anything just present, sometimes it feels like its gently throbbing, if there is such a thang. Sometimes I feel it on my right side too, but mostly its on my left. Today was really only day 5 after my IUI so from what I'm reading this is common.

The other thing, (and this is getting really personal so if you don't want to read about something gross quit reading here!!!) I've had an irritation *down there* since the procedure. At first I just thought I was just a little sore, but then I started burning lightly, and I was very red and sensitive, I thought it was normal but here 5 days later, I have a slight discharge (no smell) its milky, (I know, wayyy TMI) and I'm very raw inside and out of me, very itchy, and I have a hard time wiping myself because I'm so raw.

From my experience with things like this, and I have very little let me inform you, I think its a yeast infection but I'm not comfortable using something that I have to put inside of me, I mean, especially if I were pregnant, you know? I should have called my RE today but I dread the call, so I pushed it off thinking it would just get better but tonight I realize, ummmm that ain't happening. So tomorrow I'm going to call them and see what they say.

If you all want to share your experiences please feel free to talk with me in my comment section. Right now I need someone who's been there! Ya know?

I still have 9 more days and it feels like years away and yet at the same time I want it to take its time. Sometimes hoping you are is better than knowing you aren't. Of course I'm having faith that I am right now!! I'm praying it's my Father's will. Lord let it be so.

So...come on ladies, don't leave me hanging, what's going on with me?

I'm home

Whew, its over. Today the office was very busy. I have never been in there when it was that active. It was also the first time I've ever seen other hubbys in too. We had to wait forever. Dh and I had decided to collect the specimen there in the office. We just had to much fear that something would happen to stop us from getting it there on time if had to travel it there. That is the worst part I do believe and dh and I both agree that if there has to be a next time, it won't be in the office.

I was very anxious/nervous whatever the right word would be. The anticipation is the worse part, plus not knowing what is going to happen or how. I had this fear trying to creep in that dh's specimen would not be good or that they would have an accident with it and kill em all. Having to wait so long didn't help this at all. Dh was calm, he spent the day soothing and encouraging me. He was so handsome with his big ole smile.

When they finally took me back, (I was glad that dh decided to stay and go with me) I was so afraid it was going to hurt or that she would have trouble getting through my cervix and would damage and scar me somehow. Can we say, "Crazy Thoughts!" The speculum was the worst part and she had to situate it a couple of times. This was VERY uncomfortable. The catheter didn't go through the *curve* of my cervix the first time so she had to remove it and bend the end. The second time she got it to go through with no trouble. I had some very minor cramping. I was just relieved it didn't hurt worse than it did.

Dh and I felt very good when we left the office. When I took him back to his truck and we said our goodbyes, I said, "I love you" and he said,"I love you too, or should I say I love ya'll." How sweet was that? So for the next 14 days we are speaking life into my womb in the name of Jesus!

I'll be checking in soon. Thank-you for all of your prayers! I'm looking forward to saying the sweetest words *I'm pregnant!* very very soon!

Late Thursday Night

I wasn't going to post anything, I went to bed earlier and fell asleep hard and then woke up. I couldn't go back to sleep so I came here. I've been incredibly...what is the word? I don't want to say nervous because I'm not shaky or anything, but I'm sort of anxious maybe? Excited too.

I took my shot last night, easy peasy. I know this sounds weird but I actually enjoy that part. (It must come from my childhood dream of becoming a nurse, ya think?) I have had some incredibly intense ovulation cramps on my left side and vaguely on my right. They were deep and went down into my leg. When standing I felt like it was pulling so I was much more comfortable lying down.

Today I began to pass the beginning stages of the stretchy cervical mucous. I was so glad because because the Clomid took this away. Tomorrow should be THE day of ovulation. I'm pretty sure from all the signs that are there, I'm lightly ill and have a slight headache. I'm always a grouch when I'm ovulating. I really like the Femara, alot. Soooo much better than the Clomid.

Oh and my birthday is coming up. I'll be 37 on Sunday. No special plans this week with the Dr.s appointment tomorrow and dh having to take 1/2 a day of work off to be with me. We are planning to celebrate next weekend. I want him to take me to see the new Richard Gere and Diane Lane movie called, "Nights in Rodanthe."

My girlfriend Kimmie wants to take me to the movies on Sunday, for a girls day out, to see, "The Women" with Meg Ryan among many other stars. I watched the trailer for it today and I'm looking forward to it. It looks really funny and I need to laugh!

Well, I guess I'll update tomorrow after the procedure. I'm praying it goes well with little to no pain and no bleeding, and that dh has a good healthy count, great motility and morphology. I covet your prayers!!

Cycle 3, Day 12

I went in today for my sonogram. I had one mature follicle measuring 18mm by one side and 20mm by the other. She said they measure it from 3 different views. I had no clue. This follicle was, like last month, from the left ovary. I was always under the impression that you ovulated from the right one month and the left the next. My right ovary doesn't really seem to be responding to any of the medicines that we have tried. I did have another follicle that measured somewhere around 12mm on the left side but she didn't seem to think it would amount to anything.

I asked her about giving me the prometrium this cycle but she said she didn't think it was warranted because I didn't have enough follicles. So I picked up my shot of Ovidrel and I have to take it tonight at 11:00pm.

We go in Friday at 10:30am for our first IUI. I'm a little nervous about the whole thing. I just never in my life dreamed that I would be experiencing the things we are going through or doing the things we are doing to have a child. I am very thankful that we have been able to do these treatments though. Even if I don't conceive I'll know we done all we could. I won't have any regrets.

So I guess the future plan, if this cycle isn't successful, is to move on to Bravelle. At this point we are still on go for it. The nurse I seen today (Paula must have been off) was Carolyn, and she really encouraged me to go forth with the Bravelle and she helped me feel more calm and less fearful about the decision. She seemed to believe that my body would respond much better to Bravelle than it has to Clomid and Femera.

Of course if cycle 4 isn't successful we are taking a break.

Thank-you for your prayers. I am full of hope and excitement.

(edited to add this definition of IUI, that I copied from Beth's blog, I linked her in the post below. I needed this here so that I could refer back to it.)

IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) is commonly refered to as artificial insemination. Here is the definition I found on WebMD...

Intrauterine insemination (IUI) is the placing of sperm into a woman's uterus when she is ovulating. This is achieved with a thin flexible tube (catheter) that is passed into the vagina, through the cervix, and into the uterus.
IUI can use sperm from the male partner or a donor. It is often combined with superovulation medication to increase the number of available eggs.