Time flies 2009 coming to an end

Lately I just feel like time is zooming past in fast forward motion, ya know? Saturday we visited my mother in law and my sister in law asked me keep little Aiden. Remember him? He is almost 5 months now and so far she has done really well with the little fella.

I brought him home with me. We have all enjoyed him being here. I've learned (well remembered) how to do things with him in my lap and on my hip. Today while we did our school he sat in my lap and just listened to me while I read our history out loud. I actually read him to sleep. How precious he was laid over on my arm and chest snoozing away.

We've had many precious moments over the past few days. Laughs out loud, peeing on Sky, cooing and smiles, birdy kisses, dirty diapers and lots of baby talk. I've been joyful and thankful for every moment.

I was so proud of myself.

Tonight while we were watching the Sopranos (dh got the whole series for Christmas) there was a song playing in the back ground, it said something to the effect of, " I don't know where I'll be tomorrow." It played over and over through a couple of scenes. Aiden laid in my lap just smiling and playing and all of a sudden I was sort of HIT with the thought of where he'd be tomorrow. Tears came out of no where. Where will he be? Here?? My sister in law's?? Where will he be when he is almost 2 and his real mother gets out of prison??? Where will he be after that???

I had to remind myself that those were worries and that I had to cast my cares upon the Lord. It wasn't easy, but I prayed for God to protect him and I let it go. By force really. Choice I should say. I made the decision to let it go.

This month I noticed I was ovulating by the discharge (what is a kinder word for that? ) (fluid?) ok, by the fluid I was passing. It was somewhat difficult because for the last couple of months I've not paid attention, again, choice here. I've not checked my calendar and I've not counted days. Honestly, I was *wanting* to have relations with dh BEFORE I realized I was ovulating. I really was. So, I just tried to ignore the ovulation awareness I had going on and move past it, nonchalantly, so to speak.

Fat chance! Don't you know that dh must have sensed something because he actually asked me if I was ovulating. Man that bugged me. Yes, I told him, I suspected that I was. He thought I was skeeming. Well, at least I think he thought I was skeeming and that peeved me.

I wasn't, I really wasn't.

Of course that just sort of made things unnatural and with all that we've been through I know dh doesn't want the stress, the emotions or the hassle of *trying* again.

Neither do I.

Let's just say it was a tough few days for me.

I wonder if baby Aiden triggered something for me? But then I think, na, my body was ovulating Aiden or no Aiden. Maybe it was the combination?

The thoughts that whirl around in my head, the what ifs.

The hope.

"What are you crazy?" Seems that way sometimes.

"You really don't want this." The trouble, the finances, the time, the loss of freedom.

"It really doesn't matter what I want does it?" Nope, because wanting doesn't mean getting.

"What will be will be."

Then I got tired and bound it all up and cast it aside. I remain content with what my Lord has in store for me, I just got thrown a curve ball.

Whew!!! I feel better now. Honestly I do. I don't like dealing with all that. It's much easier moving on.

I'm on the move.

How I'm Really Doing

It's been a while since I've spoken of my infertility and how I'm dealing with doing *nothing* in terms of procedures and infertility treatments.

I've gotten on with my life and I've sought the face of my Father like never before. Everyday I pray that He help me to die to my flesh. to my desire, that I may fulfill the plan that He has for me instead. I want what He wants no matter what. He is my master and I His servant and I love Him, oh how I love Him.

The last few weeks have been incredibly busy. My brother was in a horrid accident and I spent the week running, helping and praying for him. The following week was last minute preparations for the Christmas Play that I have helped with this year. I have to say that over the last couple of months I've jumped in head first with the youth at our church. If any of you knew me personally you'd know that this was a big step for me. Committing to something so big outside of my home isn't something I usually do. There were a few attacks but I prayed through and the Lord strengthened me giving me a spirit of might and I pressed on to the finish line.

Saturday I sewed costumes for 3 and 1/2 hours. I was amazed as I am not a very talented seamstress. As I worked it became obvious to me that it was not *I* who was working but the Holy Spirit working through me. I was doing some amazing things that I knew I didn't know how to do. As this revelation hit me I began to pray in the spirit as I sewed. As I prayed the Lord spoke to me, ever so softly, ever so gently, about my womb and my desire for children. As He spoke the tears streamed down my face.

What a glorious feeling, what a wonderful, unexplainable experience.

The Lord told me that He had plans for me. Plans that He couldn't totally reveal just yet but that I was on the right track. He is going to give me children. He is actually in the process, as I sewed and worked with these youth, of doing just that. He showed me faces of those that I would help and minister to and He told me it was much much larger than what I was seeing. He allowed me to see myself, the kind of wife and mother I am, and a picture of my life from the outside looking in.

It was at this moment that I realized if my womb were opened my work at church would be done for another season. With a babe in my womb my ministry would change as I would have to revert back to my home in the way I knew the Lord would want me to. There is no way that I could be in the ministry with these youth AND be the kind of mother I need to be to a baby. I pour my all into my family, as I should. It's biblical to put the Lord first, your family second and then the ministry.

Instead of blessing me with one child to raise He is going to give me many children to share the love of Christ with now.

Today at the Christmas Play some of what the Lord had spoken to me began to unfold. At the beginning of the play as the children walked into the sanctuary there was a little girl in tears, too afraid to walk alone, who needed me to carry her. With her on my hip I seen a little boy fighting with two other boys and they were holding up the line. I had that little boy come and hold my other hand. As I marched onto that stage, I was not alone, but in fact *with* two children. I cannot explain the peace that I felt.

Towards the end of the play there was a different little girl who began to cry, I squatted down to see what was wrong. She needed to be held. I sat down on the stage as I cradled this precious little girl and then here came another. I held one and wrapped my left arm around the other little girl and then here came the little boy who was fighting earlier. We bowed our heads and prayed. My quiver was full. These children were bonding with me in a way that I had not seen or realized before. They call me by name. They feel safe in my arms.

Some of the children in our church are bused in. Their parents aren't serving the Lord, some are very poor, some are on drugs and there are some who are abusing their children. There are several sets of parents in our church who have adopted some of these children. They haven't had to go through typical adoption agencies because some of these children's parents have just chosen to give them up. There are two families that come to mind right off, but there are many more, two of the children are older now and are living testimonies of God's healing power. Three others are just 3, 4, and 5 years old and are having extreme behavioral problems from the horrid abuse that they have suffered from their biological home, I praise God that they've been adopted to a safe Christian home and that they are members at our church. The Lord has called me to intercess and stand in the gap for them because He has a call on their lives.

I'm not saying that I believe I'll never have another child naturally. I'm saying that I have peace with whatever the Lord has planned for my womb because I know I am doing what He has called me to do. I know that no matter what happens the Lord fully intends to surround me with children who need Him. I truly want His will to be done. His dreams for me are bigger than any dream I've ever had for myself. It's not about ME, it's all about HIM. And I can't wait to experience all that He has in store for me!

Shalom

Our New Homeschool Blog

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How is everyone?

Not any change here. I've updated *life* so to speak at Jenileigh's Journey but as far as infertility goes we've placed it in God's hands completely for now. So.... its kind of boring with no procedures and no information to blog about. I just wanted to check in and let you all know I'm still here. I'm still reading. I'm still praying.

Big hugs!