Tuesday, January 26, 2010

A Different Place

Today I was reading back through my blog.

Two years.

It's a long time and yet 2 years isn't long at all.

For me,  last year is almost an eternity ago.

I can't believe the place I was in. It's so easy to forget the pain. Reading my own words is like looking into someone else's life.

I'm so thankful that I started this blog. I'm so thankful that I can go back and read where I was and what I went through. I'm so thankful that the Lord has healed me and brought me to a new place.

I'm thankful that I have met each of you. SO many of you now have a baby! I think,  if I'm counting right only 3 of you are still waiting. A few of you are on your journeys to #2. I continue to pray for all of you, that every family will have as many children as they want.

May the New Year of 2010 bring more answered prayers and God richly bless each of you!

Friday, January 15, 2010

Missing Blog Friend

You know who you are.

Please send me an e-mail.

When I visited your page and you were no longer there I cried.

Lost out there in cyber space realizing that there is absolutely no way I can find you or contact you, now that you are gone, unless by some happenstance you stop by here and see this cry and that you'll respond.

Please know that I'm praying for you, I love you and the thought of never hearing from you again makes me sick.

You hang in there friend.


Thursday, January 14, 2010

Sleepless Nights

I am SO off schedule. Up all night and sleep all day. It makes me feel even worse physically but this morning I'm thankful that spiritually I feel whole, right and awake! I was reading in God's word and He gave me this just now.....

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us! Romans 5:6-8 NIV

I love this, I see in this verse that I didn't have to be good enough for God to love me, that I've done NOTHING to deserve His free gift. I've been justified by HIS blood and saved from God's wrath through HIS Son! I was powerless before, but through Jesus Christ I am righteous and powerful! 

This wasn't something that I didn't know before, just something that I needed reminded of. Thanks Lord, I needed to hear this, this sleepless morn! I thought that maybe you did too?!  


My life is so like Alanis Morissette's song Ironic. 

I really wanted to go back to school this semester. Really bad. 

I was approved for a full Pell grant and it wouldn't have costed me a dime. 

I needed to take the college entrance test and they only had two dates set up before classes began. 

I was going to take the first one but got the puking virus and couldn't go.

I WENT to take the second one and the class filled up, it was a first come first serve test that started at 9:00 am Saturday morning. 


I got there at 5 til, they turned away maybe 5 people in front of my and at least that after me. 

I was told that if I had financial aid to insist they have another testing Monday. 

It was almost 6:00pm  Monday evening before they returned my call.

When they finally did, I was told there was a problem with my financial aid, and that by the time they could work it out, and get me tested I'd be a full week behind in classes.

Being a first time student there I was advised to wait until the next semester. 


I hate feeling like my fate is stacked against me. Sometimes I think it doesn't matter what I do, I'll never succeed or get ahead. I live a life of Murphy's Law and it sickens me. My bread will always fall mayo side down. Always. I'll break my favorite cup or one of my kids will. I'll get a puking virus during first test times and be outnumbered during seconds. :) 

I know, I know, it's all in how you look at it. Is the cup half empty or half full. 

Lately though, its been bad. Anything that can go wrong has gone wrong. 

Maybe I am a little depressed? Is it the freezing cold, the winter blues, or that I feel cursed??? 

I don't know. 

I know that God is in control, even when I don't like the direction my life is taking. Maybe He sees something in my future that I can't and it's His blessing that I'm not in school this semester. It's just especially disheartening because it's taken me a few years to get up the courage to go back. I could have gone in the fall but chickened out. I finally get up the guts to GO and the door is closed. 

Am I really looking forward to spring? 

Heaven is still so sick. She is throwing up the Phenergan.  Keep her in your prayers. 

I'm okay, I just needed to vent. I love that I can come here and be honest, even when it isn't pretty. 

:) I'll get things straight for next semester. I'm looking up,  I promise! 

Monday, January 11, 2010


I've been so tired lately. We've slowed way down on doing things. Christmas Eve Heaven and Matt were in a horrible car accident. They are fine, so I'll leave it at that for now. It was the other guys fault, totaled her car but they and the baby are fine.

She is 15 weeks and 1 day. She felt the baby yesterday!

I'm trying to get into the local community college. It's been a pain in the rear. The financial aid is there but their test classes have been full. I'm going in the morning to beg some mercy as classes start tomorrow. Sigh

I'll let you know how it goes. Good night.