Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Time flies 2009 coming to an end

Lately I just feel like time is zooming past in fast forward motion, ya know? Saturday we visited my mother in law and my sister in law asked me keep little Aiden. Remember him? He is almost 5 months now and so far she has done really well with the little fella.

I brought him home with me. We have all enjoyed him being here. I've learned (well remembered) how to do things with him in my lap and on my hip. Today while we did our school he sat in my lap and just listened to me while I read our history out loud. I actually read him to sleep. How precious he was laid over on my arm and chest snoozing away.

We've had many precious moments over the past few days. Laughs out loud, peeing on Sky, cooing and smiles, birdy kisses, dirty diapers and lots of baby talk. I've been joyful and thankful for every moment.

I was so proud of myself.

Tonight while we were watching the Sopranos (dh got the whole series for Christmas) there was a song playing in the back ground, it said something to the effect of, " I don't know where I'll be tomorrow." It played over and over through a couple of scenes. Aiden laid in my lap just smiling and playing and all of a sudden I was sort of HIT with the thought of where he'd be tomorrow. Tears came out of no where. Where will he be? Here?? My sister in law's?? Where will he be when he is almost 2 and his real mother gets out of prison??? Where will he be after that???

I had to remind myself that those were worries and that I had to cast my cares upon the Lord. It wasn't easy, but I prayed for God to protect him and I let it go. By force really. Choice I should say. I made the decision to let it go.

This month I noticed I was ovulating by the discharge (what is a kinder word for that? ) (fluid?) ok, by the fluid I was passing. It was somewhat difficult because for the last couple of months I've not paid attention, again, choice here. I've not checked my calendar and I've not counted days. Honestly, I was *wanting* to have relations with dh BEFORE I realized I was ovulating. I really was. So, I just tried to ignore the ovulation awareness I had going on and move past it, nonchalantly, so to speak.

Fat chance! Don't you know that dh must have sensed something because he actually asked me if I was ovulating. Man that bugged me. Yes, I told him, I suspected that I was. He thought I was skeeming. Well, at least I think he thought I was skeeming and that peeved me.

I wasn't, I really wasn't.

Of course that just sort of made things unnatural and with all that we've been through I know dh doesn't want the stress, the emotions or the hassle of *trying* again.

Neither do I.

Let's just say it was a tough few days for me.

I wonder if baby Aiden triggered something for me? But then I think, na, my body was ovulating Aiden or no Aiden. Maybe it was the combination?

The thoughts that whirl around in my head, the what ifs.

The hope.

"What are you crazy?" Seems that way sometimes.

"You really don't want this." The trouble, the finances, the time, the loss of freedom.

"It really doesn't matter what I want does it?" Nope, because wanting doesn't mean getting.

"What will be will be."

Then I got tired and bound it all up and cast it aside. I remain content with what my Lord has in store for me, I just got thrown a curve ball.

Whew!!! I feel better now. Honestly I do. I don't like dealing with all that. It's much easier moving on.

I'm on the move.

1 comment:

Staci said...

Hoping 2009 is a blessed and amazing year for you.