Saturday, August 30, 2008

Just Hanging In There

The waiting has begun. I want to come here and post and then I go, um...well there is nothing new to post. The next two weeks or so will be just waiting. I actually enjoyed going to the RE and having the sonogram and giving myself the shot this month. It felt satisfying because I was actually getting to DO something. The hard part is waiting. I am praying that my patience be strengthened and that my wait not be a nervous or even an impatient wait but that I can wait in the peace of my Lord.

Oh, I can update on my little girl. I took her to the Dr. on Friday and they took blood and ran a few test. One test showed her heart beating 30 more times a minute while laying down than when she was sitting up. She goes for her EKG this Friday. She is doing well and has had no more spells since the last big one (other than a little tiny one and I think it was more from her being scared.)

Dh and I are doing great. My emotions have been so incredibly stable this month. My heart has actually been full of joy. We have been talking a lot and I LOVE that. I finally feel like we are on the same page. Isn't God good! We discussed what to do if this wasn't our month and we both agreed on something big. We decided that next month I'll take the medicine (whether it be Femera or Clomid again) and I'll have the sonogram and give myself the shot and then we are going to schedule our first IUI.


I was amazed that dh had peace with that. Of course we are praying that this month is our month and we are conceiving but if not we know where we are headed next month. This is so big for me. Dh was completely against these procedures when we first began this journey and I have been praying that the Lord give dh peace with which steps we were to take and that I not come against him. I look at the time that has lapsed since I began this blog and God is working rather quickly. I just want to give Him all the praise and glory. I truly want His will to be done in my life.

Lord help me not to try and conform Your will to my life. Help me to conform my life to Your will. Amen.

I have to pray that everyday. Be blessed my fellow sisters. Hugs!

(oh my I did have a lot to say!)

Friday, August 29, 2008

Psalms 27:1-3

Psalm 27:1 The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

2 When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.

3 Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this I will be confident.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I'm back

Ok so everything I'm going through I'm going through for the first time as far as these infertility procedures. I use to think I was really good at asking all the good questions and learning exactly what is going on where treatment/care was concerned. I feel so ignorant or foreign may be a better word for all of this that I'm going through. I had no idea what to expect today.

I went into my RE's office and there was no wait. Zilch. I didn't even get a chance to relax or even think about what was happening next for that matter. I went in for my sonogram with Paula (I suppose she is a tech or something) and it was so fast. I mean like maybe 6-8 minutes. I was like wow. I thought sonograms took time! I was shown my uterus and told that all is well. My lining was very good and they were happy with that because they often find that clomid thins the endometrial lining too much. It needs to be at least a 6 and I was a 9.5.

Paula looked to my left ovary first. She immediately found a follicle that measured almost 18. I was told they needed to be 18-20. I'm not sure 18-20 what, is this cm or mm? I haven't a clue. There were several smaller ones, really small no need to even measure so she moved onto the right side. She found nothing even remotely close to being a good follicle. So I only have one follicle. She was very excited. I was extremely disappointed. For some reason I just knew there would be at least 2 and at the most 3. I was so hoping for twins. (Is this a desire of all women?)

My RE said for me to wait until tomorrow night to give myself the shot. The shot is Ovidrel 0.25mg. They want the follicle to grow another 34 hours or so. They also did another blood test. I'm not sure what this test was. I'm wanting to say it was estrodial. Paula just called a few moments ago and said that the test come back great and that my follicle is mature. They are very pleased with my progress.

If however we have no success this month next month they want to do a test I believe she called a postcoidal test.

Oh and Paula assured me that she did call my prescription for the shot into my local Walmart and that it had to be their mistake. She had noted it in my chart and noted that she did have to leave a message. This was reassuring to me. I used the pharmacy local to my RE's office and it was high. It cost me $69. I'm going to call Barron's Pharmacy and see if they can deliver to me and if so I'm going to get my RE to call my shots to them and save me a whopping $28 per shot, hopefully.

So that's it ladies. Keep me in your prayers, that this will be the month.

Now we wait.

Monday, August 25, 2008

To be or not to be.....aggravated

I went to Walmart tonight (on our way to the parent/teacher conference) to pick up my shot and they informed me that no one had called anything in. I really don't know if my RE forgot or if Walmart's answering machine messed up, either way I don't have my shot for tomorrow.

I'm going to have to call my RE in the morning when they open and get them to call it in to a pharmacy where they are that has it in stock. Walmart takes 24 hours to get it. Its hard for me to not think that this is something that SHOULD be controlled and NOT a problem for me. I really hope it wasn't my RE's mistake because the only other option I would have would be to travel over 2 hours away to a better clinic and I'm already driving an hour and 10 minutes. I don't want to drive any further. I really like the clinic I'm at, the people are so good to me, so caring and I'm able to talk to them. I would hate to think they are so careless to forget to call in my prescription.

I'm just going to trust it was an honest mistake or a big fluke or something. Another attempt from the enemy to bring down the walls on me and I'm going to bind up this attack in the name of Jesus and trust my Lord that all things happen in His time and according to His plan. I'm going to trust that I will be able to pick my shot up near my RE's office tomorrow and keep on moving. I'm going to believe that this month is going to be the month. I'm going to hope against all odds. I'm not going to even allow myself to get upset or think bad. I've prayed this since I stopped my tears and sucked it up in Walmart. I choose NOT to be aggravated.

Whew! :)

No News

Today I took my baby girl to the Dr. and the office was slammed. There wasn't a seat in the house available and when I got to the window I was told that my appointment wasn't at 2:15 it had been at 12:30. Instead of arguing with them I simply said ok. She said that they could work us in but it would be a while. I asked for the next available appointment instead and told them that if my daughter has any other episodes I'll bring her right in. So she has an appointment this Friday. I know that when she sees this Dr she is just going to refer us to a specialist. My daughter is doing great and has had no other signs of anything being wrong. Just continue to cover her in prayer. I have an unexplainable peace that all is well.

So to sum things up for me this month. I have taken clomid, 50 mg on days 3-7. This is my second month to use clomid and I do not care for it because I do believe it is wreaking havoc on my emotions. Tomorrow I go for my first sonogram to see if I have any follicles. It will be day 12 in this cycle for me. She said it would be better to be early than to be late. I am really hoping they aren't too early because I don't want to have to pay for a second test but I'll do what I have to. Convenience right now would save me some doe! LOL!

I haven't studied much on what happens after this. I know that I pick my shot up this afternoon and I take it to the office with me. They are going to show me how to give it. I don't have a problem with needles at all, I've given B-12 shots before and taken my share. I guess my hubby will give it to me, thankfully he has no problem with needles either. So no fears here. I don't know when I'll get the shot though. I'm thinking that will depend on when they see my follicles? She said if they don't see anything tomorrow I'll come back on Friday for them to look again.

For those of you who have done this before please feel free to share with me what you have learned and what I can expect. Have any of you had side effects from the shot? What about success stories?

Praying the Lord open wombs this month! Hallelujah!

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Great Weekend

All in all everything was really good this weekend. Saturday was tough. I had to fight myself to maintain but through Christ I won. We visited my hubby's sister for a birthday party. The little baby that she's been given was there of course and they were planning a belated baby shower at their church. Why does that bother me so? It's got to be just plain ole jealousy. I know its a natural thing for those of us experiencing infertility to feel this way but don't you just hate it! I hate that I'm jealous. I prayed so hard. I was tense at first. Plus I had some words with my oldest daughter. My hubby took me to the car and he allowed me to vent it out and when I went back I was better. The best therapy was just picking up that baby and loving on him. It released me in so many ways. I held him, I fed him and I changed his diapers. I could feel the Lord's embrace around me as I embraced that little 3 week old baby boy. I prayed for his momma in jail and I prayed for the Lord to protect him. He's going have a rough road. The night went well.

Today's sermon was moving. You know Jesus went through so much more than I am. When calvary is bought to the light and you think about Jesus being beaten, spit on, His beard and hair pulled out, 39 stripes, mocked and made fun of, humiliated, watching His garments being gambled for and being nailed to the cross....what I'm going through is nothing. He did it all for me and you. He endured it all for me and you. He willingly committed His spirit to the Father. The devil took nothing, he won nothing. Jesus fulfilled the prophecy. Thank-You my Savior! Thank-You! And let's not forget that He was raised 3 days later!! Hallelujah!

Tonight my husband brought the word. His sermon titled,"A Wait Problem." He talked about waiting on the Lord. He gave wonderful scriptures from Psalms and talked about David being anointed to become king but how he had to wait 20 years. There are more than 20 verses in Psalms stating, "To Wait on the Lord." Do you want to know what it brought to my mind?

Patience, and how little I've had lately.

Then he went on to preach the other side of wait. When God calls us to do something and we say, "Wait Lord." He taught on how precious time is and that we don't know how much time we have. Our ultimate purpose being seeking souls for God's kingdom, being kingdom seekers. I had a lot of revelation today and I pray that the Lord can use it to help you also.

Father God I pray that Your will be my will. Lord I pray that I not try to conform Your will into my life but that my life be conformed into Your will! Lord open my eyes that I may see and my ears that I may hear. Help me to have revelation over what You are trying to teach me. Help me to stay in line with Your word. I love You Father. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Friday, August 22, 2008

A New Day

Praise God!

Yesterday was a terrible day. In ways I wish I didn't share all the bad and ugly but I think its important for me to see my struggle. I will be able to go back and see how my emotions have roller coastered and how my faith is being exercised and built. I'll also be able to see the choices that I've made. If I choose to allow God to help me and praise Him through the storms or if I choose to wallow in the pit. In hind site it can be pretty embarrassing. But thats ok, I'm going to learn from my mistakes.

Last night dh and I argued a lot. In the end I was able to see a lot of his struggle. What he hides. It's hard on him too. Somehow I just felt like it was harder on me because I'm the one who had *go* through everything.

No, I don't go through anything alone. My grief and my emotions are felt by everyone in my household, not just my husband but also my children. I've put them through a lot. Seems they are all incredibly worried about me. This makes me feel so ashamed and disappointed in myself, but I'm going to do my best to overcome my attitude and allow my God to shine through me. Its not over. Its a new day.

We made up and making up feels so good. I feel like we came to a place of unspoken understanding with one another. I felt like our hearts opened and our love actually connected. The past few months have felt like dh and I were more like room mates than husband and wife. I just praise God for taking an ugly situation and turning it completely around.

Then late last night my youngest daughter who is seven years old, told me she wasn't feeling well. Hmmm. I looked at her and she was very pale and peaked looking. I asked her what hurt and she said her tummy. I asked her if she was hungry, no. I asked her if she needed to go potty, no. She wanted to lay down. So I tucked her into bed with her daddy. About 5 minutes later she came down the hall to me. She said,"Mommy my heart is hurting."

Fear instantly struck me.

I placed my hand on her chest and her heart was beating HARD and FAST. She was very white and she said that hurt her to breathe in. Oh no. I took her to dh and woke him up. He felt her chest and it was beginning to slow down. He was so calm. He laid hands on her and started to pray for her. Then it was over. It was gone. She was better and just ready for bed. So I snuggled her up and prayed over her for a long time last night. I am so thankful, so grateful that she is better. God I love my children and I do not want to lose them.

This morning I called her pediatrician and she has an appointment on Monday. I'm sure they'll run lots of tests and monitor her. After this incident though I realized that my focus is too consumed on trying to conceive. I need to be focused on being the godly wife and mother I should be with trying to conceive a less priority. My life isn't stopping around me waiting for me to get it together, its going on without me. My husband told me that last night. It shook me to my core.

Praise God today is a new day!

This morning I woke up early. I remembered to take my temperature! Yay for me! The phone rang and I was expecting my hubby to call so I answered the phone quickly barely allowing it ring. It was my RE's office instead. My test results were in. Breathe deeply. I had not expected them call so early. I wish I could remember her name, she was so very nice to me. They had told me I needed a result between a 2 and a 4. My results were.......

a 2.4!

Whew!!! This is such good news! Relief flooded me. Then I went on to explain to this nice lady about my horrid emotional state. I'm wondering if some of the depth of it is coming from the clomid. She agrees it could be and that next month my Dr. had mentioned taking me off clomid and trying me on Femera. This was a relief too. I don't think I could handle another month of clomid right now. She asked me if I would like to come in for a sonogram to see if I had any follicles developing and told me that they could give me a shot to help me ovulate. We had hesitated on these options because of finances. I called dh and we agreed that the cost was low enough that we could try this a few times. So I scheduled my sonogram for next Tuesday.

I'm excited. I'm so excited. It just feels good to know we are going to be doing something different and that I am not going to continue with the clomid. If we are not successful in conceiving this month I'm probably going to take a month off to give my body a break. But we will see. I really think a month of not trying would be good to get my focus off of this and maybe the stress levels will drop.

I do have to say that today I feel good. I feel so good. I just praise God for a good day. I praise Him for the joy I feel. I thank Him for my precious children.

I praise God that today is a new day!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Bear with Me

In one way I feel terrible to keep complaining but that is after all why I created this blog. I had to have somewhere that I could go and say how I feel.

Everything was fine until the phone rang and my husband called. He mentioned that we might have a class tonight at church and I voiced that I didn't want to go. He asked why. I replied that I just didn't feel good. He said, "You didn't want to take this class from the beginning."

What? Why did you say that?

"Nevermind baby," he said, "I don't want to argue with you today."

But why did you say that? I said I didn't feel like going.

This inevitably led to a horrible argument. No he didn't want to fight but he does not understand how I feel. He thinks that I am suppose to get ready and go in spite of how I feel, and trust me, I DO THIS ON MANY DAYS. But today isn't one of them. I'm shaky. The tears aren't stopping. I just needed to rest today. That is all. I needed a day off, with NO pressure and NO guilt.

I feel like he's tired of me. Like he has no sympathy or understanding. Sometimes I just need him to understand me. I don't choose this. I can't just say feel better and viola, I'm better. It doesn't work that way.

Have I pushed him away? Do I disgust him? Where is our love? Does he blame me?

Today I just needed some time.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008


I feel bad and I'm so tired of feeling bad. If I'm not down because I just got the red stain then I have no energy and don't feel like even getting in the shower. I manage to do the dishes and get supper on the table. I'm actually proud of myself for those feats. Tonight I had to teach and I literally had to force myself to go. I enjoyed my kiddos. I laughed. They were good and they listened. God is good. But I couldn't wait to get home.

Noise bothers me. I'm not sleeping well but its all I want to do. I have a crick in my neck and my entire left shoulder. I'm gaining weight and its nobody's fault but my own. Everything that people say to me is insensitive. I get angry at people and I'm really a loving person. Infertility has brought out a lot of anger in me. I want it all out.

We had a family member commit suicide Sunday night. My husbands mother called to tell us as soon as she heard. She told us there would be no services. Then yesterday she found that they were holding a private family service today. She forgot to call us and tell us.


She didn't forget to call his sister, but she forgot to call us.

The thing is, we were so close to this part of the family. His mom and sister were not. I'm angry and I'm bitter. I feel like she does this on purpose, I can't prove it and in reality she probably doesn't. But it sure feels like its on purpose.

His mom doesn't want me to have anymore children either. This makes for a horrible family situation. She has in the last three or four years stopped her comments so I don't have to deal with them anymore but I know how she feels. Every month I feel like she is getting her way. Childish. Childish. Childish. My own happiness and well being are being disturbed because I am not forgiving and walking in love. I have days that I do forgive and give it completely to God and I'm so full of HIM that I can visit, conversate and even hug. I can actually go long periods of time forgetting that there ever was a time that we didn't get along. I love these times. I know my husband does. And then bam, it happens again. Why do they insist on treating us this way? But Jesus said, seventy times seven. I can't do it but I know I can do it with Christ. I need Him tonight.

"Lord you feel so far away."

I'm checking my calendar, trying to clear the days so I don't have to go anywhere. I just wish I could feel good, have some energy. I am going to have to start some kind of diet soon. I can't keep going up. I despise diets. I lose 20 lbs rather quickly but I gain it back faster.

I'm praying tomorrow is a better day.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Busy Day Today

Today should go pretty quick with all that I have to do. I'm thankful for that.

I took my clomid a couple of hours too early last night. Usually I take it just as I'm getting into bed. Last night I couldn't sleep because of yesterday's nap. I noticed that I was incredibly ill. I mean everything was getting on my nerves. Tonight I'm definitely not taking it until I'm laying my head down on the pillow to sleep.

Gotta run.

Monday, August 18, 2008

So Blah

I had such a short flo. I mean short. I started Friday morning heavy and by Saturday noon it was gone. Gone. Very little spotting on through today. Yesterday after searching the net I became concerned that maybe there was a tiny remote possibility that I could be pregnant and I surely didn't want to begin taking clomid if I were, so...last night I used another pregnancy test to confirm what I already knew. I wasn't pregnant but I had to be sure. So I took my clomid at bedtime. So far I've remembered to take my temperatures too. This is a biggie for me because last month I blew my temperatures and they are very important.

Dh came in this afternoon and we ate dinner and went to bed. I woke up feeling horrible. Totally blah. The sleep felt good but the waking up didn't. I'll be up through the night today and I have a lot to do tomorrow.

I've been reading tons of stuff online. I've been reading and searching out other bloggers dealing with infertility, trying to find a message board and of course just researching. I read on one ladies blog that a few vitamins helped her to conceive. So I've ordered several and I'm pretty excited about them coming. I hope they hurry. I'll definitely share if I have any success with them. Some days there is nothing to do but wait and you just wish there was something you could do. Right now it'd be great if my mind could think about something else! :)

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Devil you will NOT take my song

Today's service was amazing. I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay home and sulk while wallowing in my own self pity. I wanted to be lazy and lay in bed all day dreaming about being pregnant and hoping that it'll be this month. The stress is taking a toll on my marriage. Yesterday was a hard day for dh and I. I have so many things I want to say and he's just tired of hearing me. He doesn't agree with much of my bitterness and he shouldn't, I'm wrong, I know I'm wrong but it's how I've felt. I want him not only to listen but also agree with me. Yesterday he didn't agree with me but he didn't want to voice it. I wanted to hear him tell me he didn't agree with me, I mean tell me anything just talk to me! I forced it and he said it. Oddly when he was done I felt better. How weird is that? It hurt but I also understood. He was mad with me for a long while. Pretty much the rest of the day. I wanted to make up, he wasn't ready. He wasn't ready until it was time to sleep. Then I was angry again. I mean why couldn't he have been ok when we actually had time to talk. He doesn't want to talk. He wants to be together silently, watching movies, holding hands, laying in bed together. I don't want to talk about the weather or how my day was. I want to talk. He doesn't. So I wanted to stay home today and make him go to church by himself. I felt the Holy Spirit leading me this morning, urging me to get up and go. I am so glad I obeyed.

Today was on not allowing the devil to take your song. Pastor spoke of how uplifting it was to sing and praise the Lord. How pleased the Lord was when we opened ourselves and praised Him not asking for anything, not one blessing, just seeking Him and Him alone. During our praise and worship today that was the words of one of the songs we sang. "Lord I want nothing, not even one blessing all I want is YOU." It took me back to a place that I haven't been in a long time. A moment where I didn't care about anything but pleasing my Father. A longing to feel myself consumed by Him. Praising Him and not pleading with Him to answer my prayers. Somehow as my focus was cleared and directed today I knew that I was going to be ok. That God's plan was enough for me. It strengthened me for battle. I am not down for the count. I am strong and I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me.

Pastor talked about how easy it was to praise God when we were on our mountain tops and I pictured myself pregnant with twins and how I would be shouting glory to the Lord, and I shouted glory to Him today for being my King!!! Pastor spoke of how easy it was to preach God's word when people were saying Amen, preach it brother. How easy it was to raise our hands among friends and those with like faith. How easy it was to open up to God when His presence came and charged the atmosphere. Anyone could stand up and shout Hallelujah! Or testify about the Lord and all His goodness.

The test of your faith is when you are down trodden and in the lowest of lowest places. Are you singing His praises and claiming the victory through the midst of the trial? Or have you abandoned your faith and given up on the Lord? If the devil gets your song, be sure, he has your victory.

Remember these scriptures.

James 1:2 Brethren, Count it all JOY when you fall into divers temptations.

all joy--cause for the highest joy. Nothing but joy. Count all "divers temptations" to be each matter of joy.

fall into--unexpectedly, so as to be encompassed by them

temptations--not in the limited sense of allurements to sin, but trials or distresses of any kind which test and purify the Christian character. Every possible trial to the child of God is a masterpiece of strategy of the Captain of his salvation for his good.

1Peter 1:6
Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a
season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through
manifold temptations:

1Peter 1:7
That the trial of your faith, being much more precious
than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire,
might be found unto praise and honour and glory at
the appearing of Jesus Christ:

1Peter 1:8
Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now
ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy
unspeakable and full of glory:

1Peter 1:9
Receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of
your souls.

Wherein--in which prospect of final salvation.

greatly rejoice--"exult with joy": "are exuberantly glad." Salvation is realized by faith (1Pe 1:9) as a thing so actually present as to cause exulting joy in spite of existing afflictions.

for a season--Greek, "for a little time." if need be--"if it be God's will that it should be so" , for not all believers are afflicted. One need not invite or lay a cross on himself, but only "take up" the cross which God imposes ("his cross"); 2Ti 3:12 is not to be pressed too far. Not every believer, nor every sinner, is tried with afflictions . Some falsely think that notwithstanding our forgiveness in Christ, a kind of atonement, or expiation by suffering, is needed.

ye are in heaviness--Greek, "ye were grieved." The "grieved" is regarded as past, the "exulting joy" present. Because the realized joy of the coming salvation makes the present grief seem as a thing of the past. At the first shock of affliction ye were grieved, but now by anticipation ye rejoice, regarding the present grief as past.

through--Greek, "IN": the element in which the grief has place.

manifold--many and of various kinds (1Pe 4:12-13).

temptations--"trials" testing your faith.

1Pe 4:12
Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery
trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing
happened unto you:

1Pe 4:13
But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's
sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye
may be glad also with exceeding joy.

strange--they might think it strange that God should allow His chosen children to be sore tried.

fiery trial--like the fire by which metals are tested and their dross removed. The Greek adds, "in your case." which is to try you--Greek, "which is taking place for a trial to you." Instead of its "happening to you" as some strange and untoward chance, it "is taking place" with the gracious design of trying you; God has a wise design in it--a consolatory reflection.

inasmuch as--The oldest manuscripts read, "in proportion as"; "in as far as" ye by suffering are partakers of Christ's sufferings, that is, by faith enter into realizing fellowship with them; willingly for His sake suffering as He suffered.

with exceeding joy--Greek, "exulting joy"; now ye rejoice amidst sufferings; then ye shall EXULT, for ever free from sufferings.

Sometimes its so hard to remember we are in a spiritual battle not a physical one. That we are running a race with a big reward. That it isn't about us, its about HIM. He has a purpose and a plan for us and if we are too self absorbed we could miss the mark. I know this journey isn't an easy one but I must trust that my Father will give me what I need when I need it. I must focus on Him and desire Him first and foremost. He is a jealous God.

So today I sing.

Read Made Me Glad lyrics

I will bless the Lord forever
I will trust Him at all times
He has delivered me from all fear
He has set my feet upon a rock
I will not be moved
And I'll say of the Lord

You are my shield, my strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need

Whom have I in heaven but You
There's none I desire beside You
You have made me glad
And I'll say of the Lord

You are my shield, my strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Yesterday it came again....

The red stain. I was so angry. I'm not happy about the anger I feel and I want the Lord to help me work my way through it. My emotions have been wreaking havoc on me lately and I long to have peace.

I called my Dr. and they had me come in for a blood test. I get the results next Friday. This will show if my eggs are healthy. I'm praying for a score of 2-4. This will mean I'll respond well to medicines. Too low and I won't. Too high and I'll have to have more tests. So if you are reading this could you send up a prayer that my score will be just right?

I felt so much better once I started. It was like my hormones all settled down again and my migraine went away and I began to hope again. I love hope. Hope keeps me from going down into the pits of despair where I begin to listen to thoughts that I will never conceive again. Hope says maybe next month, its coming, be patient and trust in the Lord.

I love this scripture:

Romans 4:18
Who against hope believed in hope

Listen to this.
Who against hope--when no ground for hope appeared.
believed in hope--that is, cherished the believing expectation.

Please understand this. Even as I pour out and share my total honest and sometimes brutal feelings and anger. I will never turn on my Lord. I love Him and no matter what He decides for my womb I will continue to love Him and serve Him and share Him. I will accept all things from Him, whether they be good or bad. I trust Him. I know He has a plan for me and I know He hears my cries. He knows my pain. He is my Father and He knows all things. I feel like He is purging me of many things during this time. I may rebel, I may not like it and it may take me time to accept it. BUT He is my all in all. Without Christ I have nothing.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Tough Week

I'm so tired and I feel horrible. This week has been so hard. I took a pg test on Monday which was day 29 for me and it was I'm pretty sure I'm not pg but today was day 32 for me and I should have started already. I've had an incredible headache today and I'm vaguely cramping and have been off and on since last night so I've made a million trips to the bathroom checking to see if the red stain is there and so far it isn't. Then my mind begins to race as I begin to think that maybe I am but I'm so afraid to hope. It's so much easier on my mind and body when my cycle is on time. Stress....its been a stress filled month.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Let's Start from the Beginning

I have three daughters and they are each five and a half years apart. No Planning. It just happened that way. Ever since I can remember I have wanted a housefull of children. My favorite T.V. shows were Little House on the Prairie, The Waltons and The Brady Bunch. Somehow I always knew I'd be The Little Old Woman Who Lived in the Shoe and had So Many Children She Didn't Know What to Do. I never dreamed that becoming with child would be so hard and difficult. I never dreamed that I would want children so badly and that each month would bring mourning over and over. Leading me to ask why......questioning if its something I've done. If I need to repent. Wondering what my future holds and why in the world My Father in Heaven who knows better than I what is best for me would close my womb. Has He, in fact, closed my womb? Is He saying no or is He saying Keep Trying, go further. Is it truly taking things out of His hands to search out medical help to conceive? We seek medical help for absolutely everything else. We've always said God expects us to have common sense and that He has given our Dr.s knowledge. We've never turned away medicine or medical advice. We vaccinate, get physicals, have surgeries and take medicines, so why, when it comes to conceiving a child am I suppose to do nothing and just trust in God to heal me? If I would not take the same approach if I found out I had cancer then why am I expected to take this approach now? The Bible says:

Ps 127:3
Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and
the fruit of the womb is his reward.
Ps 127:4
As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so
are children of the youth.
Ps 127:5
Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them:
they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak
with the enemies in the gate.

Am I so wrong to want a child so badly? One would say no, not for wanting a child but for obsessing over it. I'm going to be 37 next month. My youngest daughter is 7 years old. Seven years and no conception. Do you not understand how empty and hopeless that feels? The despair that rises up out of my deepest parts? The questions, what if? Do I dare to hope? Every month seems as a failure. I don't know how to view my infertility as far as God goes. Is it a curse? Is satan robbing my husband of his seed? His namesake? His bloodline? In the bible all men desired sons and I know even though my husband is sometimes afraid to share his deepest feelings for fear of causing me even more pain, he desires a son greatly. We have petitioned God for our sons and I am to the point that I feel as though I am begging Him. He knows my desires. How do I continue to pray? Why would God's will be different than my own concerning this? How could it be for me not to have more children? How do I know what to do? Do I keep the faith? Do I give up? The desire grows stronger. It has eased up some in the past but I feel more like that was from being tired of trying and that somewhere deep inside of me I felt like if I gave up it would happen and it didn't. That angers me.

I feel as though I must seek help. Some days I truly feel like God is closing every door except the medical field. I feel like He's leading me in that direction so that I can have more than one baby. I am pretty sure my husband isn't going to see it this way. I think he's afraid somewhat. Afraid of something being wrong with the baby, afraid of something happening to me, afraid that we would be taking matters out of God's hands and he's very concerned about the cost. The cost for us would be on the minimal side but minimal for us is high because we have nothing. But I know the clinic does do financing. There is hope there. This is what keeps playing through my mind.......

If I had a sickness and no insurance would money stop us from seeking all help to save my life? NO, we would do whatever it took. Would we be taking my life out of God's hands? No only God gives life and takes it away. No matter what medicine or what procedure only God could save me. We would be trusting Him to use medicines to do so. So how would we be taking this out of God's hands? No matter what procedure we do only God gives life. He would have to choose to bless my womb through intervention. We would just be taking the medicine and having procedures so to speak not forcing His hand. Life is life, is the life of my unconceived child worth any less than my own?

I just have to pray that my husband and I will be on the same page. That he can open his mind some and relax and let us just do this thing. There were a few years after my last daughter was born that he didn't want more children. I prayed, I cried, I begged and I pleaded with him. It was a hard time for our marriage. For me it was the hardest. For him somehow I think this is the hardest. I remember when the Lord finally changed his heart and I was so happy and so excited! I thought it was coming soon, that I had made it through the storm and the victory was near. Then a year rolled by, and then another, and then another, and now another. I have to stop myself from hating the time that was missed and waisted over us not being on the same page. I have 5 more years at the
most. Honestly, it sounds harsh but its reality. Yes I know Sarah had a baby somewhere near her 100's but I do NOT feel like I'm going to be a Sarah. I have five years. I want to be aggressive. I want to move forward with the medicines to help me ovulate. I want to consider IUI-Intrauterine Insemination if necessary. At first I didn't. I wanted to make sure that dh had no problems and that my tubes were open but now I want the Dr.s to help my body do what its suppose to do on its own. I want to know more. Are my eggs ok? Is my cervical fluid good quality? Are the sperm swimming in the right directions? Is it my hormones? One step at a time. I'm ready to take a step and try something we haven't tried.

This past month I have been so excited. I had a HSG-Hysterosalpingogram and my tubes were flushed with dye. The Dr. found nothing wrong with them and said there are signs that say the next three months will be more hopeful because they've been flushed out. I took clomid and although I wasn't monitored by the Dr. (because of expenses) I do believe I ovulated but my fluid wasn't good at all this month. I took a pregnancy test on Monday which was day 29 for me and it was negative. Today is day 31 and I still don't have my period but my face has been horridly broken out, I mean acne nodules on my neck-bleck-and everything. I feel like I'm getting ready to start but I'm also becoming hopeful again. I think sometimes that is the hardest part, the hope, I start to become excited just thinking that maybe, knowing there IS a chance and then boom, the red stain... again. The disappointment....again. I can say one thing, I am so glad we've had tests done and I know the problem is me. When I am weak I can tend to blame my precious husband, the man who loves me more than life and would do anything for me. Knowing the problem is with me helps me to deal with things somehow.

The other thing is looking around me. I have a friend who is pregnant with her fifth child and she stopped wanting more at her third. I also have a family member that was on drugs and lost custody of her own son more than once who has just had a newborn baby boy given to her. Who am I to question God? But boy do I question Him. What a slap in the face it is to me for her of all people to get the baby and not me? BUT then some would say I'm judging. Am I? I mean what about the baby? What if she falls off the wagon? Yes I do know He is in control and that He knows what is best and that maybe He is using the baby to help her but He's God! He has many many more children, there certainly isn't a shortage of souls. Why must I wait? If I could hear His voice whisper to me that it is coming for sure I'd be ok but the thoughts of it never happening sicken me. His will not my own, but why would He not want me to have a child? I sound so selfish. I know I am, I know all of these things these feelings of mine are NOT scriptural but I NEED to get it out. I suppress it, I hide it and it boils within me. I get so tired of smiling when I'm so distraught and upset. And there is no-one who understands, my husband tries but I just don't think he truly gets the depth of my pain. Others say, You have three!! How in this world could you want more?? I scream inside of myself, HOW IN THE WORLD COULD YOU NOT!!! Is my pain any less than someone who has no children? I don't know. But because I have three should that determine that I have no more? I don't think so.

Regardless, I will not choose to wallow in my pain, I will rise out of this despair in the name of Jesus. I will trust Him, I will be obedient and I will have peace. I already do some days. Today is just a day that I needed to pour it all out.

Forgive me Father, forgive me for my selfishness and covetness, my envy and anger, my rage and despair. Fill me with Your word and Your spirit. Strengthen me to carry my cross each day. Some days I do pretty good and others I never even get it off the ground. Help me to sing Your praises through my darkest times. I love you my Father, no matter what, I love you. Amen......