Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Winter Blues? Self Diagnosis...

Winter Blues? Or is it depression? Care to help me?

I'm not sure what it is I'm going through, if it even has a name, or if it should have a name. I don't necessarily think so. I feel fine, I love the winter time, the cold, and being a stay at home mom. I like not leaving my house for days on end. I like cooking, baking, laying back, watching movies and enjoying a season that is so easy to be lazy in. I have no problems with it all.

The problem?

It seems that others don't feel the same way. I believe to other people signs of not wanting to have to go and do things and stay home are signs of depression.

My hubby is a very social man, he loves pleasing people and doing social events. He has a Santa suite and my, oh my, he makes a very gorgeous Santa. He hasn't had many gigs this winter but has two this weekend. Friday he goes to a preschool program and Saturday night is a church visitation.

Friday is also Sky's birthday party and Sunday is our church's Christmas dinner. We were asked to head up the Christmas dinner, which basically isn't a lot. Just fixing menu's and getting the members to sign up. Then of course that night we have to make sure things are going as they should and people are doing what they should. Just over seeing things.

It is cold outside and they are calling for a wintry mix Saturday night.

The problem?

I'm dreading the whole thing. Every single bit of it. Me, I want to stay home, in my warm house and snuggle with my family. I soooo wish we didn't have a single plan this weekend. To me, it feels like a HUGE load. It feels like SO much we have to do.

I voiced this to my hubby this morning and he doesn't understand. I can't help that I feel the way I do. I don't necessarily want to feel this way. The reason I wish that I felt different is to please my husband. Still, I just want to stay home. BUT I can't because the guilt would consume me. I would feel so guilty for not going and helping.

By talking to my husband about how I feel though has put some sort of burden on him. He now feels bad that he has asked me to help out because he now knows how badly I don't want to go.

This wasn't my intention. I was just talking it out, I was hoping he'd....console me? Talk me through it? I don't know what I was thinking but I wish I'd of kept it to myself. He doesn't understand at all and he thinks I can just choose to WANT to go. That I could just look at it differently.

I never said I wouldn't go. I just said I DREAD it.

I feel so overwhelmed.

I really do dread it.

Not just one day but the entire weekend.

I hate the thought of having to do something every day. Not having just one single day that I don't have to leave the house and go out in the cold. That isn't completely true. I'm leaving something out. Even if I had one day it wouldn't change the dread. The real point I suppose, is that I don't want to have to get out in the cold or go into the crowds around all the people. Knowing I'm commitmed makes me angry because I feel like I HAVE to go or I'll be disappointing people, especially my husband. So it feels like a weight on my shoulders. Like I have no choice.

It'll lift when it's over and the next time I'm asked to do something I'll most likely say no for a long while.

Where I struggle is trying to determine if I'm depressed or if I'm normal.

Then I wonder what normal really is. Sometimes I think the world is crazy for feeling like it has to be in this social state of busy all the time. Whatever happened to family time? Why does everyone feel like they have to be DOING something in order to feel like the are accomplishing something or doing something with their life? For me, being a stay at home mom and homeschooling my girls is more than enough.

My hubby would say, we never do anything. That these busy weekends are few and far between and he is right. Every weekend isn't like this. And there are times when they are and I do enjoy them. But right now, the thoughts of this weekend make me almost mad, because I don't feel like doing it but I'm committed.

Then I feel horrible because it's hurt my husband. He doesn't understand how I feel and to him it feels personal. It's not, I assure you. I love him so much. We are just so different. I hate the struggle and the distance it seems to put between us.

When I talked to him this morning I honestly didn't realize how it would make him feel. I didn't plan the conversation or contemplate the outcome. I was just talking to him about how I felt.

When he shared how it made him feel it upset me because THAT was NOT what I was INTENDING. It has nothing to do with him directly. The reason I go anyway is BECAUSE I love him and want to make him happy. But now, all he sees is how miserable I'll be doing it, and as far as he's concerned I can stay home and he'll find someone else to go.

Situations like this suck.


I have to add this part. The phone just rang and I didn't recognize the number. It was one of Tony's friends and he had gotten another deer. He doesn't eat the deer he kills so he always calls us and we pick it up, clean it, cut it and can it. Or take it to have it processed. If we clean it ourselves it takes at least a day, we get it cut up and have to soak it over night sometimes two before canning. I usually go on the mountain to his  mom's and spend the night and can. Most of the time I get 14 quarts of meat.

You would think if I were depressed that this call would have added to the overwhelming feeling that I have about the above events but it didn't. The thought that I might actually get to go and do something productive for my family and NOT have to do the above things removes the guilt I'd feel for not going. I actually got excited about it.

So, in hindsight, wouldn't you think it sounds more like an anxiety instead of a depression?


Alicia said...

I love you! This is a post that I could have written, minus the homeschooling. God is amazing and he can make our husbands more understanding and compassionate!

God bless I hope it snows two feet and you get socked in this weekend!

Belouise said...

I can't diagnose you since it would be diagnosing myself! :-) Although, I usually just chalk it up to being an introvert. The good thing for me is that my dh is one also so we get to dread these things together! We almost always enjoy ourselves when we go but we never look forward to it.

Hope it all worked out for you and that you ended up having a good time together after all.

Stacey said...

Sorry I am so late in commenting on this post. I wanted to tell you that I feel so many of these same things. Since getting married and becoming a homemaker, I have always been a homebody. Like you, I don't like having to commit to being somewhere every day anymore. I would much prefer staying put and I'm very happy at home. I would normally be very quick to say that this is just normal for some people (and I do believe that is true).

However, speaking for myself, I have definitely noticed that going through infertility has made me be far more introverted than I ever thought I would be. It makes me want to avoid certain social settings and keep more to myself or my immediate family. I find that I feel so much more protected at home.

So, I guess while I do think that some people are just content to be at home, anxiety and depression do have a way of using that to keep us isolated sometimes. And I do see that it could potentially turn into a bad thing.

Very interesting post and one that made me do a lot of thinking! I can definitely relate. Hope you did enjoy your events. I love it when I don't really want to go, but I talk myself into it, and wind up having a great time!