I've Been So Good

You know ever since I've made the decision to move on life has just been lighter. I'm smiling and living and thinking about things other than taking my temps and knowing what day it is. I didn't think it would be this easy to move on, but I'm glad it has. It feels like its been a lifetime but in reality its only been 2 weeks. I've been seeking the Lord and asking Him to guide my steps and reveal some of His plan for me. I'm finally to this place where I'm ready for anything. I want His will in my life and not my desires. It has been a prayer of mine for some time and I'm happy to have arrived.

One thing the Lord has been dealing with me on is reading my bible. I read a lot of books, study books by others who have read the word and what they have gleaned from it, daily verses and studies that way but not just opening the word of God and spending that quality time in it you know?

So....the night before last, the house was all settled, much as it is tonight. Everyone sleeping and me, up, not sleepy, and enjoying the temporary silence. So I decided to read the bible. Strangely enough my bible was missing from my bedside. I have several, I keep one in my bible book bag, two by my bed (a KJV and the message) and more in my living room. Well the two I usually kept by my bedside were no where to be found, so I go into my living room to choose one from the shelf. I come across a bible I use to love, one that has commentary from Max Lucado. I bring it back to bed and I pray, asking the Lord to lead me in where to read. I allowed the bible to fall open and I began to read....

I couldn't believe my eyes, what? You've got to be kidding me right? No, I'm afraid not...

I was on the first page of Samuel.

Now you've got to understand something, over the last 5 years I have been in many different churches and services where Hannah was preached. I've been in services where it was spoken over the congregation that any women in the house struggling to conceive would conceive, DO NOT DOUBT, it is coming. I have read Samuel many times, 1st and 2nd. I even went through a period of time that I thought I would actually name my son (if I ever had one) Samuel because it means that I asked God for him. So it was incredibly ironic to me that on this night of all nights, in this time of all times that I would open my bible to this particular scripture.

I began to pray, and I asked God, "What in the world are You trying to tell me Lord?" I laughed out loud. I then spoke to myself and I told myself I said, "Jen, you are in a good place, you are feeling joy and your family is loving having you home, you are NOT going to allow yourself to return and go back down this road. Your Father loves you and would never tempt you, mock you or hurt you, He only wants what is best for you and He is trying to tell you something, so read and don't think too much."

Well that isn't so easy to do but I began reading.

Twice in the first part, the thing that caught my attention was, "The Lord had closed her womb." Twice, I read that.

"Yes Lord, I see, You have closed my womb. Satan isn't robbing me, You are the giver of life and death and You have chosen to close my womb." Wow, I had peace with that. I was actually glad to realize that it truly was the Lord and not the deceiver. I don't have to fight this battle any longer.

I kept reading. The commentary was about not giving up on your prayers. Persistence, persuing continually, no matter how long it takes, pressing in. "God are you wanting me to stay steadfast in this prayer?" I'm not so sure. I didn't feel strongly one way or the other so, I kept reading.

I get to the part where the Lord speaks to Samuel and Samuel not recognizing the voice of God goes to Eli and asked what he wanted. Eli replied, I did not call you. The Lord speaks to Samuel a second time, and Samuel again thinking that Eli had called him rose and asked Eli what he wanted. Again Eli replied, I did not call you. The Lord speaks to Samuel a third time and again Samuel thinks its Eli and again Eli tells Samuel he has not called for him. Eli realizes at this time that it is God who is calling Samuel and he instructs Samuel to reply to the voice of God, "Speak Lord, for Your servant hears."

The Lord gave Samuel some prophecy for Eli about his sons because Eli's sons were vile and Eli had not properly restrained them. Samuel did not want to give the prophecy to Eli because it was so bad. The Lord said their sin could not be atoned for. Eli told Samuel not to hide anything from him or more would come upon him. So Samuel told Eli.

I stopped here and I began to think and pray. I really felt strongly in my spirit that the Lord was trying to speak to me. Much in the same way that He was Samuel, and I like Samuel am not recognizing Him.

So friends, I'm asking you to help me pray. Pray that I will hear and recognize what it is the Lord is trying to tell me. Ask the Lord to reveal it to me, to open my heart, my eyes and my ears that I will not miss it or be turned aside or confused.

I'm excited. Not because I believe its about having a child, but because the Lord is trying to show me something and I want to please Him. I want to be used of Him. I long to please Him. Asking for nothing other than His will for my life.

Speak Lord for your servant hears!

Checking In

I wanted you all to know I'm reading your blogs, I just haven't had the time to comment them all. I am praying hard that the Lord open and bless your wombs this month! Hugs friends.

I just want everyone to know I'm ok

I'm happy to announce that in addition to Beth discovering she has conceived, Carrie and Sarah have also conceived and I want all of you to know that I am rejoicing for each one of you! This is big news! Three of my bloggy friends in one month! Hallelujah!

I am in prayer for Alesha and Elaine. I'm praying this is both of your months!!! I pray that the Lord open your wombs and bless you both with many children!

Things at home are changing again for me. This year we had put Sky and Meadow in Christian school to give me a break so that I could focus on the process of trying to conceive. I just felt my moods were so unpredictable that it would be best for everyone. This month though things just weren't working out at the Christian School. They have placed Meadow in the wrong grade and she is bored stiff and Sky was having problems with bullies among other things. The Pastor stepped and took care of the situation, he done a fabulous job, I could not have asked for the situations to have been taken care of any better than what he did. Even though, after we met with the Pastor and other parents of some of the other kids, Tony and I have decided that it is just not the right thing for our girls at this time.

So....I am homeschooling them again. Meadow is back in second grade and loving her learning once again and Sky is simply so relieved to not have to deal with all the drama any longer.

You'll be able to find me at Jenileigh's Journey, if I am scarce around here. I'll check in on you gals each week but not daily as I was doing before this week. My prayers for you will continue to go up DAILY though. I love you all very much and I appreciate each one of you being here for me more than you'll ever know. I'm not leaving just sort of moving on for now, you know?

Yesterdays sermon was on changing seasons. I'm not ready to change. I don't want to give up on having another child, but if this isn't the plans of my Father then who I am to question and fight this. If He chooses to bless me with a child He'll just have to surprise me! :)

I am going to try to begin a new journey for myself. One that doesn't include the thoughts of "What if I get pregnant." I've not even taken ibuprofen for pain or headaches because I had read it could prevent conception. I'm just tired of being controlled by it. I'm going on a diet. I am exercising. I am going to do something for myself. I've lost me somewhere along the way and I need to find who I am aside from just being a mom and desiring to mother more children.

I'm teaching 8 & 9 year olds on Wednesday nights at church and I have been asked to help with Children's Church on Sundays, I'm stepping out to busy myself with the works of the Lord. I've spent the last 5 years plus just running in place.

So, I'm not leaving! I love you all! I'm just moving on, and I hope to see you all over at Jenileigh's Journey!!

May God open the heaven's and pour out life into your wombs!!!

Day 29

Last month when the red stain showed I found myself naked on my knees in the shower with scalding hot water pouring on my back, in the dark, while I cried out to God with moans that came from the depths of my soul.

Pain.

Sometimes its so hard to bear.

The door opened and closed, I heard the shower curtain pull back, and my husband stepped in and slid down in the floor, into my darkness with me.

He wanted me to know I wasn't alone.

My oldest daughter is getting married in May.

My middle daughter is turning 13 in December.

My youngest daughter is 7.

I turned 37 last month.

This week my husband, Tony, asked me to wait until today to do a pregnancy test and he asked that we do it together. I don't know why that makes it harder but it does. It's sort of something I've always done alone. Sometimes it feels better to be alone so that you can deal with pain.

I peed in the cup and dipped the test in for 20 seconds. This month I purchased the digital kind that simply reads, "Pregnant or Not Pregnant." No games, no lines, no guessing.

As we laid together in the bed that I had climbed back into surrounding myself with mounds of comfort in my blankets, he asked me if we could pray. Yes, I told him, we can pray. He laid the test aside and He asked the Lord to hear our cry, to answer our prayer.

It touched my heart.

This month was a faith month for me. I've spoken life over my womb almost everyday. Here is a copy of a post that I saved in a draft on day 20.

I just have to confess this, I feel pregnant. I can't explain it but my stomach is feeling anything but normal. I know I'm over analyzing every feeling I'm having but I just had to say it! I feel pregnant!

As I laid in bed listening to my husband cry out to God for us, deep inside, I knew the answer already. I knew it yesterday when I purchased the test. I knew it was pointless but I had to carry on through the motions.

He lifted the test and we read.

Not Pregnant.

Our finances are drained. We aren't going forward with another month. I would if I had the money. I would go to the ends of the earth, no matter what the procedure and no matter what the cost if I could. We just don't have the sources. I will spend the next year or better paying for the treatments we have already had.

I know in my head all I have to be thankful for. But in the moments of despair I do feel as though God hates me.

I read that.

I read it again and I know how untrue it is. I know nothing could be further from the truth. I know His love for me is so great that He sent His Son to die on that old rugged cross to save my soul.

I have prayed for His will to be done and no matter what that is I have to be willing to accept it and move on.

I am most positive in the tomorrows to come I will find joy.

Meadow just came up behind me, clueless as to what I am going through, put her little arms around me, and said,

"Mommy?"

Yes Meadow.

"I love you."

I love you too Meadow.

Those are the sweetest words and I praise God that I get to hear them.

Today, I will have to go through the motions.

I need to focus so that I can Breathe.

Just breathe.

edited to add~
Have you seen this? You'll need to scroll to the bottom of my page and stop my playlist before watching.

Day 25

I thought I was one day ahead. I really have nothing to report. Honestly after having that horrid yeast infection and that deadly virus I can't tell what is normal or what isn't in my body. So today, my body is just recuperating. It'll be Friday, I'm sure, before I know anything. I just wanted to stop by and say hello!

So, Hello!

Day 22

I called my RE and was told it probably is a yeast infection. I started Monistat and do have relief, praise God!

Someone asked me if I were on progesterone. My RE didn't prescribe it, for some reason my nurse told me that they didn't prescribe it unless you were on injectables. From my reading on the subject I do believe it would benefit me and I did try to get them to prescribe it for me and when they wouldn't I ordered a tube from Nature's Sunshine and I've been using that. It's all natural progesterone. I don't believe the yeast infection is a result of that because you don't start the progesterone until 2 days after ovulation, and for me that was two days after my IUI and the symptoms of the yeast infection were already present Saturday and Sunday before beginning the progesterone. Thank-you for the suggestion though, I didn't know that these could be side effects from progesterone and the more awareness we have the better. This is why I post every symptom, side effect, treatment and gory detail here. :)

My RE also said that because I had a smaller follicle there was a possibility that it had turned into a cyst and this could result in strong pulling in my ovary. Thankfully the pulling has ceased and prayerfully there is no cyst.

Yesterday at 6 a.m. I woke up with the absolute worst stomach ache (in the top of my stomach) that I have ever had in my entire life. I had some kind of horrid virus, and spent the day aching in bed and running trips to the bathroom with diarrhea and vomiting. I didn't have a fever but I broke a sweat every time I had to go to the bathroom. It didn't ease until late last night and I'm grateful its over. I wouldn't wish this stuff on anyone.

I want to thank each of you for your comments, they mean more to me than you could know. Just knowing you aren't alone eases the journey for me so much.

Hopefully only 5 more days to wait, if we decide to do injectables I have to order them on day 27 to make sure they are here by day 28. I'm still undecided if we are going to use them or not though.

Keep praying for a positive test!!!!!!!!

Day 20

I just have to confess this, I feel pregnant. I can't explain it but my stomach is feeling anything but normal. I know I'm over analyzing every feeling I'm having but I just had to say it! I feel pregnant!

Day 19

I was trying so very hard not to update until the first week was down, which isn't until this Friday....but I check here almost everyday and its hard not to post!

I'm doing so so. Emotionally I'm fine, but my body feels weird. I have had a crampy/achy sort of feeling, like a pulling on my left side almost constantly since my IUI. It's not over bearing or anything just present, sometimes it feels like its gently throbbing, if there is such a thang. Sometimes I feel it on my right side too, but mostly its on my left. Today was really only day 5 after my IUI so from what I'm reading this is common.

The other thing, (and this is getting really personal so if you don't want to read about something gross quit reading here!!!) I've had an irritation *down there* since the procedure. At first I just thought I was just a little sore, but then I started burning lightly, and I was very red and sensitive, I thought it was normal but here 5 days later, I have a slight discharge (no smell) its milky, (I know, wayyy TMI) and I'm very raw inside and out of me, very itchy, and I have a hard time wiping myself because I'm so raw.

From my experience with things like this, and I have very little let me inform you, I think its a yeast infection but I'm not comfortable using something that I have to put inside of me, I mean, especially if I were pregnant, you know? I should have called my RE today but I dread the call, so I pushed it off thinking it would just get better but tonight I realize, ummmm that ain't happening. So tomorrow I'm going to call them and see what they say.

If you all want to share your experiences please feel free to talk with me in my comment section. Right now I need someone who's been there! Ya know?

I still have 9 more days and it feels like years away and yet at the same time I want it to take its time. Sometimes hoping you are is better than knowing you aren't. Of course I'm having faith that I am right now!! I'm praying it's my Father's will. Lord let it be so.

So...come on ladies, don't leave me hanging, what's going on with me?