Saturday, October 11, 2008

Day 29

Last month when the red stain showed I found myself naked on my knees in the shower with scalding hot water pouring on my back, in the dark, while I cried out to God with moans that came from the depths of my soul.

Pain.

Sometimes its so hard to bear.

The door opened and closed, I heard the shower curtain pull back, and my husband stepped in and slid down in the floor, into my darkness with me.

He wanted me to know I wasn't alone.

My oldest daughter is getting married in May.

My middle daughter is turning 13 in December.

My youngest daughter is 7.

I turned 37 last month.

This week my husband, Tony, asked me to wait until today to do a pregnancy test and he asked that we do it together. I don't know why that makes it harder but it does. It's sort of something I've always done alone. Sometimes it feels better to be alone so that you can deal with pain.

I peed in the cup and dipped the test in for 20 seconds. This month I purchased the digital kind that simply reads, "Pregnant or Not Pregnant." No games, no lines, no guessing.

As we laid together in the bed that I had climbed back into surrounding myself with mounds of comfort in my blankets, he asked me if we could pray. Yes, I told him, we can pray. He laid the test aside and He asked the Lord to hear our cry, to answer our prayer.

It touched my heart.

This month was a faith month for me. I've spoken life over my womb almost everyday. Here is a copy of a post that I saved in a draft on day 20.

I just have to confess this, I feel pregnant. I can't explain it but my stomach is feeling anything but normal. I know I'm over analyzing every feeling I'm having but I just had to say it! I feel pregnant!

As I laid in bed listening to my husband cry out to God for us, deep inside, I knew the answer already. I knew it yesterday when I purchased the test. I knew it was pointless but I had to carry on through the motions.

He lifted the test and we read.

Not Pregnant.

Our finances are drained. We aren't going forward with another month. I would if I had the money. I would go to the ends of the earth, no matter what the procedure and no matter what the cost if I could. We just don't have the sources. I will spend the next year or better paying for the treatments we have already had.

I know in my head all I have to be thankful for. But in the moments of despair I do feel as though God hates me.

I read that.

I read it again and I know how untrue it is. I know nothing could be further from the truth. I know His love for me is so great that He sent His Son to die on that old rugged cross to save my soul.

I have prayed for His will to be done and no matter what that is I have to be willing to accept it and move on.

I am most positive in the tomorrows to come I will find joy.

Meadow just came up behind me, clueless as to what I am going through, put her little arms around me, and said,

"Mommy?"

Yes Meadow.

"I love you."

I love you too Meadow.

Those are the sweetest words and I praise God that I get to hear them.

Today, I will have to go through the motions.

I need to focus so that I can Breathe.

Just breathe.

edited to add~
Have you seen this? You'll need to scroll to the bottom of my page and stop my playlist before watching.

8 comments:

beth ewing said...

oh girl. i have no words!

Gina said...

My heart is breaking for you as I read this. I know that pain all too well. And I also know that we should be thankful for the blessings that we already have, but it doesn't ease that pain any. Also, I ask all of the time, "Lord, if You don't intend for me to have more children, WHY do YOU allow me to have that longing and WHY will You not deliver me from it?" I still don't understand and maybe never will.
Just please know that you are not alone and that there are people out there praying for you and for that longing and hurting in your heart. ((((HUGS))))

Staci said...

I was so hoping that this was the month for you. I know the pain you are experiencing. Please be kind to yourself. You absolutely deserve some peace.

Thinking of you!!!

Jesus, My Best Friend said...

jen... i'm so sorry. i don't have any idea what to say. nothing i can say would make that pain go away. you are right... God has a plan.... and i do the same thing monthly...i wonder why i'm chosen to go through with this. but even though it seems as though it's the end of your road... remember God always opens windows when He closes doors. and He doesn't need fertility doctors to get His will accomplished. if it is in His will for you to have another child (and i believe it is in my heart), He will create it at just the right time. please know that i am Praying for you and that i'm here if you need me! God bless you dear sister!

Jen said...

I'm so sorry. I know your pain all too well. Know you are not alone - there are others here suffering what you suffer. I will pray... for healing, for peace, and for grace as you deal with this.
HUGS to you
Jen

Nikki said...

I am very sorry - I came to your blog today looking for good news. I'm sorry, and I know how hard this much be for you.

Take care of yourself.

Alicia said...

I'm so sorry sweet heart. I've been gone since thurs. and was praying for you and I was hoping to hear good news. Please counsel your soul that God loves you!!!You are His, and no one can pluck you from His hand. Below is the lyrics to a hymn by the Getty's. When I get the red stain every month I play this song and just cry out to Jesus for His comfort durring this trial.I hope it will be a comfort to you.

Jesus draw me ever nearer
As I labour through the storm.
You have called me to this passage,
and I'll follow, though I'm worn.

May this journey bring a blessing,
May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart's testing,
With Your likeness let me wake.

Jesus guide me through the tempest;
Keep my spirit staid and sure.
When the midnight meets the morning,
Let me love You even more.

Let the treasures of the trial
Form within me as I go -
And at the end of this long passage,
Let me leave them at Your throne.

Meridith @ The Road Less Traveled said...

(((hugs)))
For me, seeing just 1 line is easier than "not pregnant"... it's like the test is mocking me... it just seems so harsh... I can't do it. I wish I would say "I'm so sorry" instead....