Remember When

I posted back in December that I was sewing costumes and the Lord told me He had plans for me but that He wasn't revealing them all just yet but that I would have many children? Well in church Sunday night our Pastor called me up and spoke word over me. It was confirmation of what He had shown me at Christmas. I hadn't shared it with anyone but you guys here on my blog.

I wish I could remember every precious word but the Pastor said, "The Lord sees your heart, your heart is so tender and so big. I see children all around you, children with brown hair, blonde hair, little children, older children, like stair steps all around you. The Lord says, He is going to use you to minister to them and pull them up and out of the mess." There was so much more but I can't recall every word. I just know I heard it from the Lord and had visions from Him in December and this confirmation, this reminder, was so needed!

I just want to give thanks to Him for showing me once again that the purpose that He has for me is so much more important than the one I had for myself. My vision is changing. My direction, my desire, my wants are changing direction. The same but different. I want to help these children, I want to shine Jesus for them. I want to be ready. I don't want one to suffer because I didn't take heed or prepare. I don't want to waste my life wanting something that isn't God's will.

Lord thank-You. Please Father, keep Your hand upon me and help to keep me focused. I love and praise You. Amen!

News!

Well the havoc wreaking in my body finally stopped. Day 35, 36 and 37 I was feeling so much better. I was just glad the hormones settled and the torture was settled, well somewhat. On day 36 a new torture started. A new mind game. The one where hope begins, I mean really sets in, and I began to wonder, am I pregnant? I went back through all of my calendars, checked every cycle, how I was feeling. I paid close attention to things that were different. The number one thing that I noticed with my body is that my fluid never got dry. Day 37 I began to giggle with excitement, the thoughts were rolling and I'm just going to be honest here. I felt pregnant. I was ecstatic. I felt like a little girl at Christmas time. After 7 years, after 5 and 1/2 years of serious hard trying to conceive, here it was. I checked my calendar for December, I had to laugh because this baby was conceived either the day before or the day after Christmas and would be due somewhere around my birthday.

I got myself ready and Tony and I went to a revival. I hadn't been out of the house but twice in two weeks and those were by sheer force. I was ready to go and be fed.

What an awesome time we had! The Evangelist spoke from the scripture Zephaniah 3:14-17. My favorite verse was 3:17 The Lord your God is in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.

Can you imagine the Lord rejoicing over you with singing? What a beautiful picture. We worshiped and we praised the Lord. Hallelujah!

The next morning when I awoke there was the red stain.

And I rejoiced. Not exactly the news we were hoping for was it? The thoughts and despair tried so hard to overcome me but I just pictured the Lord singing over me and I praised Him that He was in control and He wasn't surprised or caught off guard, He could choose to open my womb or close it whatever He willed and I would rejoice in it!

I am a Daughter of the King! Sometimes I forget how incredibly special that is. I am here to lay down my life and pick up my cross and serve Him, share Him, praise Him and do as He wills for me. I would rather be in the wilderness with the Lord than to walk into a promised land without Him. Lord as long as I am with YOU I will go wherever You lead me. I never want to step away from you. I want my desires to be Your desires. I want your desires to be my desires. I want NOTHING without You!

So, I had a 37 day cycle this month. The first one ever that I know of. I am praying for the Lord to heal my body and I am commanding it to function perfectly as God created it to. And I'm trusting that the Lord knows exactly what He is doing, He knows exactly what my future holds and whatever He has in store for me, I will rejoice in.

No news

At this point for me, that is good news. Today is day 38.

Checking In

Mostly because I'm just beside myself with anxiety. I still haven't started my period. I have no clue whats going on. I try so hard not to think about it but of course it never leaves my mind. I have so much else going on too. My mil is having shoulder replacement next week and Sky is having surgery the 27th to remove a tooth that is ankelosed in her mouth. (A baby tooth never came in and grew to the bone in her face)

Have peace Jen.

They finally brought Aiden yesterday and he will be here until Friday. He's sleeping now, sweet little boy.

So.......almost day 37.

If you are reading, take a minute and post me a comment. I have no one irl that I can talk to and I'm a little lonely here. Thanks ladies. Oh, and if you haven't been here in a while scroll down and catch up. :)

Can We Say Self Centered?

Boy did I have a pity party! I can't believe how you can know what is right so well and yet be so consumed and overtaken by what is wrong. The flesh is a strong thing. I think after the little fit of hysteria I threw yesterday I felt better. I wish it wasn't like that. I wish I could feel better without throwing the fit. There has got to be a different way of release for me. I don't know. I don't have all the answers I just know that I reached my maximum yesterday, I exploded and then I felt better.

Last night when I laid down in the bed I felt the strongest urge to begin reading a book that I had shelved sometime ago. I had Sky bring it to me and almost immediately I knew why the Holy Spirit led me to it.

I'm not going to share all the book is about I'm just going to share the scriptures.

Please don't skip this. Read slowly and absorb it, hear what it is speaking.

In Isaiah
The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, the leopard shall lie down with the young goat, the calf and the young lion and the fatling together, and a little child shall lead them. The cow and the bear shall graze; their young ones shall lie down together; and the lion shall eat straw like the ox. The nursing child shall play by the cobra's hole, and the weaned child shall put his hand in the viper's den. They shall not hurt nor destroy in all My holy mountain, for the earth shall be full of the knowledge of the Lord as the waters cover the sea.

How I long for that day! As I read the scripture I pictured the peace, the glorious peace. What a wonderful day it will be when we are set free from the flesh and dwell with our Father forever!!!

I read on. I know this is what the Lord was trying to remind me of.

Romans 8:14
For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, "Abba Father." The Spirit Himself bear witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs-heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified with together.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

The last part spoke volumes to me. IF INDEED I SUFFER WITH HIM, THAT I MAY ALSO BE GLORIFIED WITH HIM! TOGETHER! Lord I thank-You for this reminder. My suffering is NOTHING compared to His! NOTHING! Here I got so self consumed, feeling sorry for myself, forgetting the true purpose of my life.

Lord I just ask that You forgive me for losing direction. Forgive me for questioning You. Forgive me for not trusting the perfect plan that You have for me. Forgive me for being spoiled. Forgive me for being selfish and demanding my own way.

I know that many would say, it's ok Jeniliegh, it happens to all of us. But I'm here to say this kind of behavior is NOT ok. I am NOT a baby Christian I am mature and it's time I acted as such. There is no excuse for doing something that I know is wrong just because its easier. I'm thankful that my Father is always there to forgive me but that is NO excuse to continue down the same path. It's time to listen and obey. It's time to focus, it's time to pray, it's time to read God's word and be about HIS business and not my own.

What am I doing for Him? I mean really, am I witnessing? Who am I intercessing for? When is the last time I fasted? There are so many lost souls and I've wasted all this time thinking about me, praying for me, wanting my way. I've looked at life and everyone in it that the Lord has blessed and I've coveted. I've been jealous, I've allowed their happiness to make me miserable. Does this paint a picture of Christ? Far far from it. I've been a nasty spoiled rotten child.

No more.

No more.

No more.

I ask from the most sincere part of me that you continue to pray for my mother in law, my sister in law, Aiden and his mother in jail. I pray God's will be done in each one of their lives.

(P.S. Today is day 35, no sign of the red stain.)

Why Is It

That pain makes for better writing than joy? Pain sends you to places that you never knew existed, and once you've visited, you pray you'll never have to return. Some how, you know that in this life once you've been you'll have to return. It doesn't matter how hard you try or how far you run. There is no place to hide from it. It always seeks you out and finds you.

Sometimes the hardest part is knowing its coming and not being able to stop it. Sometimes the hardest part is not seeing it as it blind sides you and knocks you off your feet. All the time the hardest part is being there, screaming, moaning, crying, begging and pleading to get out. Talking yourself through it, telling yourself that this too shall pass. You keep talking because you know if you don't you'll fall in that hole. You know, that one that the Lord delivered you out of.

Later, this won't seem so painful, the cut won't seem so deep, you'll pray that next time you have more strength. You'll have good days, good weeks, good months. You'll think its over, you'll think you have victory. Until it comes again.

Today is day 34. 34 for crying out loud. The last week has been HARD and that is an understatement. This has nothing to do with a child. This has to do with MY body. Feeling trapped inside of this thing that has control and right to torment me. Knowing the way things should be but FEELING the way things are.

The things that let me know that the red stain is coming are these.
1. Headache
2. Crying
3. I'm ill
4. My thinking changes and I become negative
5. Things get on my nerves, like little noises, chewing, music, or people not helping around the house
6. The fever blister (it isn't always big, sometimes it'll disappear, but it always comes, always.)

Monday last week (that WAS 7 days ago) I had the migraine. Whew, I was relieved actually. I like just getting it over with. Tuesday I cried, I mean I cried. See you don't understand, I cried. I cried all day over everything over nothing. Wednesday was a combo day, I cried some more. I even laughed because hey, this month was extreme, but I was ill too. Tony didn't like me very much and if the truth be told I really didn't like me either. Thursday I was ill. I was really ill, I spent the day fighting myself. I had to fight to control my temper. Sometimes I won and sometimes I lost. Friday I was still ill. I didn't want to leave my house. I just wanted the stain to come and go. I was so tired of this. Saturday the fever blister started. Well Hallelujah! Who would have ever thought that I would give praise for a fever blister. It's on my bottom lip and let me tell you, this baby is HUGE. Sunday I felt rotten, I stayed home, I'm beyond frustrated as it was day 33.

Today is day 34. Did I say that already? The real torment began when I woke this morning. I was tired and worn down. After seven days of fighting not only myself but my husband, I was just weak. The girls woke up arguing. I prayed and I prayed. I kept forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other. I prayed some more. Things eased for a bit. I was so thankful and then the phone rang.

My mother in law was suppose to be bringing baby Aiden today. I was so looking forward to seeing him, smelling him and taking care of him. For some reason, at this time of the month, he is like a healing salve to an open wound. My sister in law is down with her back. I figured she would be fine in letting me keep him. My mother in law was coming this way. But you know what happened?

My husband calls his sister to find out that she is tore up. I suppose she is full of pain pills to deal with her back. She decided not to send Aiden.

Why?

I mean you can't even talk, your speech is so slurred Tony is having trouble understanding you WHY! Why would you NOT send him? Oh, I see, your boyfriend can help with him, and when he goes to work your 14 year old son will be home. Why would you NOT want me to keep him? '

Then mother in law calls.

"Did you know Tammy was tore up?"
"Well, Tammy said she would be ok."
"Did you KNOW?"
"Well yes, her speech was slurred."
"You let her drive Aiden to her home?"
"Tammy said if she wasn't ok to drive that she would let me know."

I'll stop there. I'm not going to repeat the words I screamed at God, my husband, my mother in law and anyone else who would listen, or to no one at all, they just spewed out of me. I didn't know it was still there. I thought it was all gone. I thought I had dealt with it and moved on. And here I was back in the midst of all I had left behind.

Why? Why would she be given a son? Why? Tammy isn't clean, she has her jail buddies coming over and drinking. She has been diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder. I can't name all her meds, but pain meds mixed in with this. It may not be cocaine but its a dangerous mix. What if she'd wrecked? I wonder how Aiden spends his days? Alone with a zombied woman? Why did it have to be her? I see it in the world all the time. I know what a fallen place this is but did it have to be her? Did it HAVE to be in my face?

Where is my stain? Where are you?!!! What are you waiting on? For me to have a nervous breakdown?!?!?!?!?!?!

I went to the bathroom, I took out a pregnancy test, and I peed on the stupid stick.

Of course it read, NOT PREGNANT.

Of course it did.

Please pray for Aiden.

My Body is Screaming

Start already!

UGH it's one of those long drawn out cycles. I had a headache on Monday, I cried all day Tuesday and Wednesday, and on Thursday and Friday I was just a biddy. Today I have this monster of a fever blister coming on my bottom lip.

Just come already will ya? Why continue to torture me?

My attitude sucks.