Monday, January 12, 2009

Why Is It

That pain makes for better writing than joy? Pain sends you to places that you never knew existed, and once you've visited, you pray you'll never have to return. Some how, you know that in this life once you've been you'll have to return. It doesn't matter how hard you try or how far you run. There is no place to hide from it. It always seeks you out and finds you.

Sometimes the hardest part is knowing its coming and not being able to stop it. Sometimes the hardest part is not seeing it as it blind sides you and knocks you off your feet. All the time the hardest part is being there, screaming, moaning, crying, begging and pleading to get out. Talking yourself through it, telling yourself that this too shall pass. You keep talking because you know if you don't you'll fall in that hole. You know, that one that the Lord delivered you out of.

Later, this won't seem so painful, the cut won't seem so deep, you'll pray that next time you have more strength. You'll have good days, good weeks, good months. You'll think its over, you'll think you have victory. Until it comes again.

Today is day 34. 34 for crying out loud. The last week has been HARD and that is an understatement. This has nothing to do with a child. This has to do with MY body. Feeling trapped inside of this thing that has control and right to torment me. Knowing the way things should be but FEELING the way things are.

The things that let me know that the red stain is coming are these.
1. Headache
2. Crying
3. I'm ill
4. My thinking changes and I become negative
5. Things get on my nerves, like little noises, chewing, music, or people not helping around the house
6. The fever blister (it isn't always big, sometimes it'll disappear, but it always comes, always.)

Monday last week (that WAS 7 days ago) I had the migraine. Whew, I was relieved actually. I like just getting it over with. Tuesday I cried, I mean I cried. See you don't understand, I cried. I cried all day over everything over nothing. Wednesday was a combo day, I cried some more. I even laughed because hey, this month was extreme, but I was ill too. Tony didn't like me very much and if the truth be told I really didn't like me either. Thursday I was ill. I was really ill, I spent the day fighting myself. I had to fight to control my temper. Sometimes I won and sometimes I lost. Friday I was still ill. I didn't want to leave my house. I just wanted the stain to come and go. I was so tired of this. Saturday the fever blister started. Well Hallelujah! Who would have ever thought that I would give praise for a fever blister. It's on my bottom lip and let me tell you, this baby is HUGE. Sunday I felt rotten, I stayed home, I'm beyond frustrated as it was day 33.

Today is day 34. Did I say that already? The real torment began when I woke this morning. I was tired and worn down. After seven days of fighting not only myself but my husband, I was just weak. The girls woke up arguing. I prayed and I prayed. I kept forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other. I prayed some more. Things eased for a bit. I was so thankful and then the phone rang.

My mother in law was suppose to be bringing baby Aiden today. I was so looking forward to seeing him, smelling him and taking care of him. For some reason, at this time of the month, he is like a healing salve to an open wound. My sister in law is down with her back. I figured she would be fine in letting me keep him. My mother in law was coming this way. But you know what happened?

My husband calls his sister to find out that she is tore up. I suppose she is full of pain pills to deal with her back. She decided not to send Aiden.


I mean you can't even talk, your speech is so slurred Tony is having trouble understanding you WHY! Why would you NOT send him? Oh, I see, your boyfriend can help with him, and when he goes to work your 14 year old son will be home. Why would you NOT want me to keep him? '

Then mother in law calls.

"Did you know Tammy was tore up?"
"Well, Tammy said she would be ok."
"Did you KNOW?"
"Well yes, her speech was slurred."
"You let her drive Aiden to her home?"
"Tammy said if she wasn't ok to drive that she would let me know."

I'll stop there. I'm not going to repeat the words I screamed at God, my husband, my mother in law and anyone else who would listen, or to no one at all, they just spewed out of me. I didn't know it was still there. I thought it was all gone. I thought I had dealt with it and moved on. And here I was back in the midst of all I had left behind.

Why? Why would she be given a son? Why? Tammy isn't clean, she has her jail buddies coming over and drinking. She has been diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder. I can't name all her meds, but pain meds mixed in with this. It may not be cocaine but its a dangerous mix. What if she'd wrecked? I wonder how Aiden spends his days? Alone with a zombied woman? Why did it have to be her? I see it in the world all the time. I know what a fallen place this is but did it have to be her? Did it HAVE to be in my face?

Where is my stain? Where are you?!!! What are you waiting on? For me to have a nervous breakdown?!?!?!?!?!?!

I went to the bathroom, I took out a pregnancy test, and I peed on the stupid stick.

Of course it read, NOT PREGNANT.

Of course it did.

Please pray for Aiden.

1 comment:

Stacey said...

I am so sorry for your pain, and I'm glad you have this blog as a place to let some of it out.

I wish I had some of the answers you're searching for, but sometimes I realize that knowing why wouldn't make it hurt any less. I hope your body cooperates with you soon - it's so frustrating when you don't know what it's doing!

Praying for you today (and Aiden, who is beautiful).