The Red Stain: Bad Speculations

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Bad Speculations

I never should have thought all that out loud as nothing could be further from what is happening.

Her HCG was 5565 and the nurse said that this is normal for someone who is in the range of 3-4 weeks pregnant. They did NOT check her progesterone.

I looked online and HCG levels of 5500 were normal for pregnancies anywhere between week 3 to week 7. From what I read they varied a lot.

The nurse still assures me that everything is fine and that the sonogram coupled with the blood work is what will inform them of whats going on.

I'm a little more at peace tonight than I was today.

I broke down crying on the phone with the nurse.

I didn't realize how I was bottling up this fear until that moment. I'm so glad that Heaven was at school and not here to see me. I'm so glad that I broke down today and not tomorrow. I don't want Heaven to see my concerns.

She is blissfully happy.

So now I know two things.

She is NOT further along as we had hoped for.

She is NOT pregnant with twins.

Today her spotting stopped. None this morning, none this afternoon, but then it came again tonight. Just a wee little bit, really dark brown.

The nurse says this is a really good thing. She talked with me for a long time today. She was so comforting to me.

I pray my baby girl and her baby are fine. Just fine.

It helps to come here and share. When I started this blog it was for me to voice my anger and feelings over my own infertility. I never dreamed that it would become a place for me to come about other things. Especially not like this, but nevertheless, I am thankful for it and for each of you. You have no idea the peace it brings to know you all are out there and that you are praying for my daughter and grandbaby. I wish I could hug each one of you.

I'll be back tomorrow evening.

7 comments:

beth ewing said...: glad to hear you're feeling better and i pray tomorrow only brings more good news.; November 4, 2009 at 7:51 AM
Elaine said...: Glad to hear this & still praying for a GREAT ultrasound! (Yesterday's comment from "Norma" was me! I must have been signed in as my mom.); November 4, 2009 at 8:05 AM
Belouise said...: Great numbers! I'm glad that you got some reassurance...looking forward to hearing the ultrasound results and still praying!!!; November 4, 2009 at 11:47 AM
Rebecca said...: I've been through it time and time again. I know the fear that threatens to hijack our thoughts. Will pray for your daughter and precious baby!!!; November 4, 2009 at 12:59 PM
Alicia said...: I would imagine this is harder when it's your daughter instead of you? I'm still praying for Heaven and her baby :) May God ease all of your fear. Love Ya!; November 4, 2009 at 5:57 PM
Jenileigh said...: Thanks Beth, Belouise and Rebecca! Elaine-no worries! :) and Alicia-yes somehow I do believe this is a lot harder on me because it's happening to my daughter. I do not think it would be easy in any way if it were me, but the fear of something hurting my daughter is fierce!; November 4, 2009 at 7:06 PM
Aunt Becky said...: Sending you prayers and light and love.; November 5, 2009 at 3:15 PM

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Infertility Procedures

Diagnosis: Secondary Unexplained Infertility.
*First Test:Sperm Count July 2008, Results:Wonderful.
*Second Test:HSG July 2008, Results:all looks well.
*Cycle 1, July 2008,:Clomid,50 mg on days 3,4,5,6& 7, Results: No Conception.
*8/15/08,Third Test:AMH blood test, RESULTS:2.4 (GOOD).
*Cycle 2, August 2008,:Clomid,50 mg on days 3,4,5,6 & 7 August 2008.
*August 26 2008,First sonogram on a Tuesday. Results: One follicle measuring almost 18mm from the left side.
*August 27th 2008, First shot of Ovidrel.
*September 13, 2008-The red stain. No conception.
*Cycle 3,September 15-19, 2008 Femara take 2 2.5 mg pills each night
*September 24, 2008-sonogram to check for follicles. Results:One follicle measuring 18-20mm, one small one measuring 12mm, both from the left side.
*September 26, 2008, Cycle 3 Day 14, first IUI.
*October 2008-The red stain, no conception. Fed up and tired of spending money we don't have.
*November 2008-natural, really not thinking about it. No conception
*December 2008- same as November
*January 2009- a 37 day cycle
*February 2009- 30 day cycle
*March 2009- 28 day cycle
*April 2009-28 day cycle
*May 2009-27 day cycle
*June 2009-29 day cycle
*July 2009-32 day cycle-hard month
*August 2009 28 day cycle
*September 2009 32 day cycle

Words

The Captain
Well I don't have as many friends because
I'm not as pretty as I was
I've kicked myself at times because I've lied
So I will have to learn to stand my ground
I'll tell 'em I won't be around
I'll move on over to your town and hide

And you be the Captain
And I'll be no-one
And you can carry me away if you want to
And you can lay low
Just like your father and if
I tread upon your feet you just say so
'Cos you're The Captain, I am no-one,
I tend to feel as though I owe one to you,
to you

Well I have handed all my efforts in
I searched here for my second wind
Is there someone here to let me in I asked
So I slammed the doors they slammed at me
I found the place I'm meant to be
I figured out my destiny at last

And you be the Captain
And I'll be no-one
And you can carry me away if you want to
And you can lay low
Just like your father and if
I tread upon your feet you just say so
'Cos you're The Captain, I am no-one,
I tend to feel as though I owe one to you,
To you

Did I forget to thank you for the ride
I hadn't tried I tend to runaway and hide

and you be the Captain
And I'll be no-one
And you can carry me away if you want to
And you can lay low
Just like your father and if
I tread upon your feet you just say so
'Cos you're The Captain, I am no-one,
I tend to feel as though I owe one to you,

coz you're the captain i am no-one
i tend to feel as tho i owe one to you

coz you're the captain and i am no-one
and i owe one to you

Breathe
2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... Just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... Just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
And breathe, just breathe
Woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

"Wildflower"

Quiet hour
You have always been my wildflower
Showing up wherever beauty's lost its way
Your heart must break

I was free
Until I heard the song you sang me to me
Pulling me away from everything I knew
To be with you

And everything I know just fades away
And every time you go it hurts me so
I don't know why when I know we're free
Free to fly

Here we are
Burning faster than the closest star
Falling back down to the Earth
I love you so it sometimes hurts

Closer still
You will find me standing on the hill
Waiting for you with my arms stretched open wide
Now, come inside

And everything I know just fades away
And every time you go it hurts me so
I don't know why when I know we're free
Free to fly

And everything I know just fades away
And when a wildflower grows it picks its space
And that's the way it is when nature plays its lovely hand
We'll understand everything

Everything, everything

Not Pretty Enough
Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart to broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break
I crave, I love, I've waited long enough
I try as hard as I can

Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart to broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

I laugh, I feel, I make believe it's real
I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees
I hope, I stand, I take it like a man
I try as hard as I can

Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart to broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

Why do you see
Why do you see
Why do you see right through me
Why do you see
Why do you see
Why do you see right through me
Why do you see
Why do you see
Why do you see right through me
Why do you see
Why do you see
Why do you see right through me

The Red Stain

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Bad Speculations

7 comments:

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