I'm home

Whew, its over. Today the office was very busy. I have never been in there when it was that active. It was also the first time I've ever seen other hubbys in too. We had to wait forever. Dh and I had decided to collect the specimen there in the office. We just had to much fear that something would happen to stop us from getting it there on time if had to travel it there. That is the worst part I do believe and dh and I both agree that if there has to be a next time, it won't be in the office.

I was very anxious/nervous whatever the right word would be. The anticipation is the worse part, plus not knowing what is going to happen or how. I had this fear trying to creep in that dh's specimen would not be good or that they would have an accident with it and kill em all. Having to wait so long didn't help this at all. Dh was calm, he spent the day soothing and encouraging me. He was so handsome with his big ole smile.

When they finally took me back, (I was glad that dh decided to stay and go with me) I was so afraid it was going to hurt or that she would have trouble getting through my cervix and would damage and scar me somehow. Can we say, "Crazy Thoughts!" The speculum was the worst part and she had to situate it a couple of times. This was VERY uncomfortable. The catheter didn't go through the *curve* of my cervix the first time so she had to remove it and bend the end. The second time she got it to go through with no trouble. I had some very minor cramping. I was just relieved it didn't hurt worse than it did.

Dh and I felt very good when we left the office. When I took him back to his truck and we said our goodbyes, I said, "I love you" and he said,"I love you too, or should I say I love ya'll." How sweet was that? So for the next 14 days we are speaking life into my womb in the name of Jesus!

I'll be checking in soon. Thank-you for all of your prayers! I'm looking forward to saying the sweetest words *I'm pregnant!* very very soon!

Late Thursday Night

I wasn't going to post anything, I went to bed earlier and fell asleep hard and then woke up. I couldn't go back to sleep so I came here. I've been incredibly...what is the word? I don't want to say nervous because I'm not shaky or anything, but I'm sort of anxious maybe? Excited too.

I took my shot last night, easy peasy. I know this sounds weird but I actually enjoy that part. (It must come from my childhood dream of becoming a nurse, ya think?) I have had some incredibly intense ovulation cramps on my left side and vaguely on my right. They were deep and went down into my leg. When standing I felt like it was pulling so I was much more comfortable lying down.

Today I began to pass the beginning stages of the stretchy cervical mucous. I was so glad because because the Clomid took this away. Tomorrow should be THE day of ovulation. I'm pretty sure from all the signs that are there, I'm lightly ill and have a slight headache. I'm always a grouch when I'm ovulating. I really like the Femara, alot. Soooo much better than the Clomid.

Oh and my birthday is coming up. I'll be 37 on Sunday. No special plans this week with the Dr.s appointment tomorrow and dh having to take 1/2 a day of work off to be with me. We are planning to celebrate next weekend. I want him to take me to see the new Richard Gere and Diane Lane movie called, "Nights in Rodanthe."

My girlfriend Kimmie wants to take me to the movies on Sunday, for a girls day out, to see, "The Women" with Meg Ryan among many other stars. I watched the trailer for it today and I'm looking forward to it. It looks really funny and I need to laugh!

Well, I guess I'll update tomorrow after the procedure. I'm praying it goes well with little to no pain and no bleeding, and that dh has a good healthy count, great motility and morphology. I covet your prayers!!

Cycle 3, Day 12

I went in today for my sonogram. I had one mature follicle measuring 18mm by one side and 20mm by the other. She said they measure it from 3 different views. I had no clue. This follicle was, like last month, from the left ovary. I was always under the impression that you ovulated from the right one month and the left the next. My right ovary doesn't really seem to be responding to any of the medicines that we have tried. I did have another follicle that measured somewhere around 12mm on the left side but she didn't seem to think it would amount to anything.

I asked her about giving me the prometrium this cycle but she said she didn't think it was warranted because I didn't have enough follicles. So I picked up my shot of Ovidrel and I have to take it tonight at 11:00pm.

We go in Friday at 10:30am for our first IUI. I'm a little nervous about the whole thing. I just never in my life dreamed that I would be experiencing the things we are going through or doing the things we are doing to have a child. I am very thankful that we have been able to do these treatments though. Even if I don't conceive I'll know we done all we could. I won't have any regrets.

So I guess the future plan, if this cycle isn't successful, is to move on to Bravelle. At this point we are still on go for it. The nurse I seen today (Paula must have been off) was Carolyn, and she really encouraged me to go forth with the Bravelle and she helped me feel more calm and less fearful about the decision. She seemed to believe that my body would respond much better to Bravelle than it has to Clomid and Femera.

Of course if cycle 4 isn't successful we are taking a break.

Thank-you for your prayers. I am full of hope and excitement.

(edited to add this definition of IUI, that I copied from Beth's blog, I linked her in the post below. I needed this here so that I could refer back to it.)

IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) is commonly refered to as artificial insemination. Here is the definition I found on WebMD...

Intrauterine insemination (IUI) is the placing of sperm into a woman's uterus when she is ovulating. This is achieved with a thin flexible tube (catheter) that is passed into the vagina, through the cervix, and into the uterus.
IUI can use sperm from the male partner or a donor. It is often combined with superovulation medication to increase the number of available eggs.

My Blogger Friend has Conceived!!!

I just want to praise God that Beth at Not Patiently Waiting on #2 just found out that her treatments worked and she is carrying her second child! What wonderful, blessed news! Hallelujah!

I just have to say, I'm so excited! I go in the morning for my sonogram, so please keep me in your prayers. I'll be back to let you know how it goes.

Wooohoooo!!!!

Great Post on Infertility

I came across this just now as I was hunting and searching for other infertility blogs and it hit home probably harder than any other post I've read in a long long while. Read it here at All You Who Hope. It's called Infertility Myth Busting and its good stuff.

And here is some scripture I found at another blog. I do believe its the first time I've read this but not completely sure...

Psalms 113

1Praise the Lord!
Praise, O servants of the Lord,
praise the name of the Lord!

2 Blessed be the name of the Lord from this time forth and forevermore!

3 From the rising of the sun to its setting,
the name of the Lord is to be praised!

4 The Lord is high above all nations,
and his glory above the heavens!

5 Who is like the Lord our God,
who is seated on high,

6 who looks far down
on the heavens and the earth?

7 He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap,

8 to make them sit with princes,
with the princes of his people.

9 He gives the barren woman a home,
making her the joyous mother of children.

Praise the Lord!

Updated to say that I have read this Psalms before and it was on my friends Alesha's blog, On the Outside Looking In.

I'm good

and I'm glad. I was so not good on days 28, 29 and 30 but today I have felt refreshed and energized. I've thought a lot about how wanting another child has been such a huge focus for me and how I don't like who I become each month. I've spent a lot of time looking at the three daughters that I do have and thanking and praising God for them. I've spent a lot of time wondering if I really want another child that badly IF it isn't God's will. Up until this point inside I believe I've wanted a child no matter what God's will for me is and that can be dangerous. So I'm praying for the Lord to help align me in His will and asking Him to strengthen me and lead me in this.

Ok, yesterday I went and took the class to learn how to give myself the injectables. Easy enough. My nurse Paula (did I say I LOVE her?) encouraged me to try a cycle of Femara this month, starting last night since it was day 3 for me. I go back in on the 24th for the sonogram to see if there are any follicles. Then of course I'll proceed with the Ovidrel. I'm going to ask about taking the progesterone like they give you when you take injectables and will probably do one IUI this month if all else lines up as it is suppose to.

If that doesn't work then we are praying about the injectables. I will use Bravelle if we go forth with it. I've been doing a lot of reading and that can be scary. I wouldn't mind twins at all, but triplets or more concerns me. Of course I would want them but can I truly care for them?

And then there is always the chance that injectable won't work at all. That would be devasting. Because at the end of that cycle I would have to wait a long while before being able to afford another cycle. We'll spend a lot to time paying off this bill.

So for now that is where I stand.

Can I say that it feels good to feel good? I wish I could feel this good throughout my entire cycle each month.

Thank-you all for the kind comments. They really blessed my heart. I'd gotten really lonely here the last week or so when my emotions were up in the air, I didn't realize how much I'd come to depend on your support in such a short time. Thank-you. A few words go a long way. :)

The waiting is over

It came today.

The red stain.

Day 29

The days seem to drag along. My thoughts are being haunted by whispers of "This is never going to happen for you." I'm casting them down in the name of Jesus but crying all the while.

I'm not emotional. Even though I cry it isn't an emotional cry, its anger, its frustration. I just want to be able to conceive.

I watched Baby Mama tonight. It was ok. Not what I thought it would be.

The waiting is so monotonous. I feel so alone, even here in blogoshere, I feel alone.

I have one pregnancy test left. I've entertained the thought of taking it and just getting it over with but I'm crampy and showing so many signs of the stain coming that I'm trying to get myself to save it for better times, not to mention I need to save the $$.

I have until Thursday to wait, at the latest that is. I have had several 34 day cycles this year. So.... 5 or 6 more days or less. Who knows??

Day 28

Here I am.

Waiting.

I can say I really think I'm getting ready to see the red stain. I have all the classic signs including the cramping. Oh and my temperature dropped below my coverline on day 24 and this morning day 28. I had read online that one drop a few days well before your stain is due is a good sign and can be a sign of implantation. I was really excited. BUT when it dropped below my coverline again today, I pretty much know its a sign of my stain. I think the biggest thing keeping me from sinking is knowing our plan for next month or the month after. However my cycle falls.

I spoke with my nurse at my RE's office today and if I see the red stain tomorrow, Saturday or Sunday we are going to forego any treatment this month.

IF it holds off until Monday we are going to be aggressive this cycle.

If not I will begin treatment again NEXT month.

(If indeed I am not with child now.)

I have an appointment on Monday either way to go in for a session to learn how to give myself injectables. I'm not sure which one they will use for me yet, I believe they will do another test to determine this.

Basically I'll do either Clomid or Femera. I'm undecided on which one to use The draw back being the emotions I experienced the first two months on it. The clomid did work well for me and my lining was nice and thick. I do sort of have a question looming in the back of mind wondering if the Femera works as good as the Clomid. I would appreciate any opinions you may have about these two.

Then I would do injectables along with the Ovidrel shot after finding the mature follicles, oral progesterone and finally one IUI. I inquired about 2 IUI's but she says that in their office they only recommend one because they use to do 2 and didn't see a higher conception rate with 2.

This aggressive cycle will probably drain us financially as low as we can allow ourselves to go for now. So if it isn't successful I will give my body several months off and wait for tax time while praying dh can sell his motorcycle.

Well, that's about it for now.

Day 26

I was watching "My Sassy Girl" the other day. It was definitely my kind of movie. I love sappy corny love stories even though this one really aggravated me until the ending. It's one that I will watch again and again.

There were a couple of lines in the movie that spoke to me.

"To search for him would be like trying to shape and mold destiny."

This line opened me up was because these were my very own thoughts when I first sought out an RE. Was I trying to shape and mold destiny or to move the hand of God? It is the very reason that it took me the last 7 years to seek help.

The next line:

"Just suppose that the shaping and molding of destiny is YOUR destiny."

That is the conclusion that I came to. Maybe I was suppose to shape and mold.

The next line:

"Destiny is the bridge you build to the one you love."

I'm building a bridge to my unborn child.

The last line:

"I wish you a story with a happy ending and the wisdom to look for it."

We all have a hand in shaping and molding our destinies. Even had I never visited my RE I would have still been shaping and molding.

I know that it doesn't matter how many doctors or procedures I have it is the Lord who creates life and opens the womb. I also know we have choices. If I had chosen to have never sought out help I may have never had another child, I still may not. But then I would have never known and I would have always questioned, "What if??" and lived with regrets.

This way I know that I worked on my bridge and in the end it will be God's will and not my own. I'm just waiting to find out what that is.

The wisdom part comes in being happy regardless of the outcome.

(Oh and if you are reading, please comment me...I'm getting a little lonely here. Thanks)

Day 22

I'm hanging in there. This has been a super busy week so that has helped me a lot. Remember the little baby boy that was given to my sil to raise because his mommy is in jail? Well he stayed with me this week, all week, Monday through today. I have had so little sleep I'm pretty much exhausted but its a wonderful exhaustion. Each day I would just pray over him and pray in the spirit while holding him. I just pray that God intervene in a mighty way for this little guy.

I prayed for my sil too. She worried me a tad Wednesday. She was suppose to have picked him up around 5 or so and she never showed up. Her son was at home, he's 14 and he was so worried. He called me around 8 to see if she had been here yet. She finally went home around 1:00 am and never showed to pick up Aiden. I had no problem with him staying with me but it did worry me that she's slipping and what will happen to him if she does. When I talked to her on Thursday I just encouraged her and thanked her for leaving him with me while she was out. I told her if she needed to take that time to please not take the baby with her. I would be here to keep him anytime.

It was hard letting him go today. I have to prepare myself. A few years ago I would have been so upset, crying and pitching a fit but today I told myself that as of now he is where the Lord has placed him and that unless the Lord Himself moves Him here it's something I have no control over and I can't allow a situation that I have no control over to control me. So I let him go knowing I'll get to keep him again next week and trusting that it won't be long before I have a babe of my own.

I went to Walmart and bought the cutest swing. It's a Fisher-Price Rainforest Table Top Swing. After holding Aiden for the first three days my shoulders were burning and I needed somewhere to lay him that he could be in the same room that I was. This worked out perfectly. Here is a picture of the swing. I put it together with my middle daughter Sky, it was pretty easy. It folds up for travel, it plays 7 songs and has 5 different swing speeds.



As far as the waiting I think days 27-32 will be the hardest. I'm just trying really hard not to think too much about it. I have a gentle peace right now and I'm very thankful for that. I do hope this cycle is the one because I don't know how our funds are going to hold out. With winter coming on my husband's hours will be cut back and that will definitely put a crunch on us. If this isn't the month then I'm going to talk with my RE about doing a really agressive month and then taking a few months off.

Here is a picture of Aiden.



Smelling him and hearing his little squeeky noises really brings that desire to have a baby, a little boy baby, out in me. I was very thankful to the Lord for allowing me those precious moments with him.

Welp, until next time. God bless! I am praying that this month will be the month for all of us. ;)

Day 19

almost 20. All is still well here on the home front. I did have some serious pulling on my left side the 4th and 5th day after the Ovidrel shot. I'm assuming this was perfectly normal and a sign that it was doing what it was suppose to do. I'm trying to stay busy and not dwell too much wondering what is coming and just have peace with today. No jitters so I'm faring better than the past two cycles and I truly want to thank the Lord for that. I know that this alone is answered prayer. I really didn't think I could continue with our plans with the emotional roller coaster I was on.

Ec 3:11
He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he
hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find
out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the
end.

Isa 52:7
How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him
that bringeth good tidings, that publisheth peace; that
bringeth good tidings of good, that publisheth salvation;
that saith unto Zion, Thy God reigneth!