Just Hanging In There

The waiting has begun. I want to come here and post and then I go, um...well there is nothing new to post. The next two weeks or so will be just waiting. I actually enjoyed going to the RE and having the sonogram and giving myself the shot this month. It felt satisfying because I was actually getting to DO something. The hard part is waiting. I am praying that my patience be strengthened and that my wait not be a nervous or even an impatient wait but that I can wait in the peace of my Lord.

Oh, I can update on my little girl. I took her to the Dr. on Friday and they took blood and ran a few test. One test showed her heart beating 30 more times a minute while laying down than when she was sitting up. She goes for her EKG this Friday. She is doing well and has had no more spells since the last big one (other than a little tiny one and I think it was more from her being scared.)

Dh and I are doing great. My emotions have been so incredibly stable this month. My heart has actually been full of joy. We have been talking a lot and I LOVE that. I finally feel like we are on the same page. Isn't God good! We discussed what to do if this wasn't our month and we both agreed on something big. We decided that next month I'll take the medicine (whether it be Femera or Clomid again) and I'll have the sonogram and give myself the shot and then we are going to schedule our first IUI.

WoW

I was amazed that dh had peace with that. Of course we are praying that this month is our month and we are conceiving but if not we know where we are headed next month. This is so big for me. Dh was completely against these procedures when we first began this journey and I have been praying that the Lord give dh peace with which steps we were to take and that I not come against him. I look at the time that has lapsed since I began this blog and God is working rather quickly. I just want to give Him all the praise and glory. I truly want His will to be done in my life.

Lord help me not to try and conform Your will to my life. Help me to conform my life to Your will. Amen.

I have to pray that everyday. Be blessed my fellow sisters. Hugs!

(oh my I did have a lot to say!)

Psalms 27:1-3

Psalm 27:1 The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

2 When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.

3 Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this I will be confident.

I'm back

Ok so everything I'm going through I'm going through for the first time as far as these infertility procedures. I use to think I was really good at asking all the good questions and learning exactly what is going on where treatment/care was concerned. I feel so ignorant or foreign may be a better word for all of this that I'm going through. I had no idea what to expect today.

I went into my RE's office and there was no wait. Zilch. I didn't even get a chance to relax or even think about what was happening next for that matter. I went in for my sonogram with Paula (I suppose she is a tech or something) and it was so fast. I mean like maybe 6-8 minutes. I was like wow. I thought sonograms took time! I was shown my uterus and told that all is well. My lining was very good and they were happy with that because they often find that clomid thins the endometrial lining too much. It needs to be at least a 6 and I was a 9.5.

Paula looked to my left ovary first. She immediately found a follicle that measured almost 18. I was told they needed to be 18-20. I'm not sure 18-20 what, is this cm or mm? I haven't a clue. There were several smaller ones, really small no need to even measure so she moved onto the right side. She found nothing even remotely close to being a good follicle. So I only have one follicle. She was very excited. I was extremely disappointed. For some reason I just knew there would be at least 2 and at the most 3. I was so hoping for twins. (Is this a desire of all women?)

My RE said for me to wait until tomorrow night to give myself the shot. The shot is Ovidrel 0.25mg. They want the follicle to grow another 34 hours or so. They also did another blood test. I'm not sure what this test was. I'm wanting to say it was estrodial. Paula just called a few moments ago and said that the test come back great and that my follicle is mature. They are very pleased with my progress.

If however we have no success this month next month they want to do a test I believe she called a postcoidal test.

Oh and Paula assured me that she did call my prescription for the shot into my local Walmart and that it had to be their mistake. She had noted it in my chart and noted that she did have to leave a message. This was reassuring to me. I used the pharmacy local to my RE's office and it was high. It cost me $69. I'm going to call Barron's Pharmacy and see if they can deliver to me and if so I'm going to get my RE to call my shots to them and save me a whopping $28 per shot, hopefully.

So that's it ladies. Keep me in your prayers, that this will be the month.

Now we wait.

To be or not to be.....aggravated

I went to Walmart tonight (on our way to the parent/teacher conference) to pick up my shot and they informed me that no one had called anything in. I really don't know if my RE forgot or if Walmart's answering machine messed up, either way I don't have my shot for tomorrow.

I'm going to have to call my RE in the morning when they open and get them to call it in to a pharmacy where they are that has it in stock. Walmart takes 24 hours to get it. Its hard for me to not think that this is something that SHOULD be controlled and NOT a problem for me. I really hope it wasn't my RE's mistake because the only other option I would have would be to travel over 2 hours away to a better clinic and I'm already driving an hour and 10 minutes. I don't want to drive any further. I really like the clinic I'm at, the people are so good to me, so caring and I'm able to talk to them. I would hate to think they are so careless to forget to call in my prescription.

I'm just going to trust it was an honest mistake or a big fluke or something. Another attempt from the enemy to bring down the walls on me and I'm going to bind up this attack in the name of Jesus and trust my Lord that all things happen in His time and according to His plan. I'm going to trust that I will be able to pick my shot up near my RE's office tomorrow and keep on moving. I'm going to believe that this month is going to be the month. I'm going to hope against all odds. I'm not going to even allow myself to get upset or think bad. I've prayed this since I stopped my tears and sucked it up in Walmart. I choose NOT to be aggravated.

Whew! :)

No News

Today I took my baby girl to the Dr. and the office was slammed. There wasn't a seat in the house available and when I got to the window I was told that my appointment wasn't at 2:15 it had been at 12:30. Instead of arguing with them I simply said ok. She said that they could work us in but it would be a while. I asked for the next available appointment instead and told them that if my daughter has any other episodes I'll bring her right in. So she has an appointment this Friday. I know that when she sees this Dr she is just going to refer us to a specialist. My daughter is doing great and has had no other signs of anything being wrong. Just continue to cover her in prayer. I have an unexplainable peace that all is well.

So to sum things up for me this month. I have taken clomid, 50 mg on days 3-7. This is my second month to use clomid and I do not care for it because I do believe it is wreaking havoc on my emotions. Tomorrow I go for my first sonogram to see if I have any follicles. It will be day 12 in this cycle for me. She said it would be better to be early than to be late. I am really hoping they aren't too early because I don't want to have to pay for a second test but I'll do what I have to. Convenience right now would save me some doe! LOL!

I haven't studied much on what happens after this. I know that I pick my shot up this afternoon and I take it to the office with me. They are going to show me how to give it. I don't have a problem with needles at all, I've given B-12 shots before and taken my share. I guess my hubby will give it to me, thankfully he has no problem with needles either. So no fears here. I don't know when I'll get the shot though. I'm thinking that will depend on when they see my follicles? She said if they don't see anything tomorrow I'll come back on Friday for them to look again.

For those of you who have done this before please feel free to share with me what you have learned and what I can expect. Have any of you had side effects from the shot? What about success stories?

Praying the Lord open wombs this month! Hallelujah!

Great Weekend

All in all everything was really good this weekend. Saturday was tough. I had to fight myself to maintain but through Christ I won. We visited my hubby's sister for a birthday party. The little baby that she's been given was there of course and they were planning a belated baby shower at their church. Why does that bother me so? It's got to be just plain ole jealousy. I know its a natural thing for those of us experiencing infertility to feel this way but don't you just hate it! I hate that I'm jealous. I prayed so hard. I was tense at first. Plus I had some words with my oldest daughter. My hubby took me to the car and he allowed me to vent it out and when I went back I was better. The best therapy was just picking up that baby and loving on him. It released me in so many ways. I held him, I fed him and I changed his diapers. I could feel the Lord's embrace around me as I embraced that little 3 week old baby boy. I prayed for his momma in jail and I prayed for the Lord to protect him. He's going have a rough road. The night went well.

Today's sermon was moving. You know Jesus went through so much more than I am. When calvary is bought to the light and you think about Jesus being beaten, spit on, His beard and hair pulled out, 39 stripes, mocked and made fun of, humiliated, watching His garments being gambled for and being nailed to the cross....what I'm going through is nothing. He did it all for me and you. He endured it all for me and you. He willingly committed His spirit to the Father. The devil took nothing, he won nothing. Jesus fulfilled the prophecy. Thank-You my Savior! Thank-You! And let's not forget that He was raised 3 days later!! Hallelujah!

Tonight my husband brought the word. His sermon titled,"A Wait Problem." He talked about waiting on the Lord. He gave wonderful scriptures from Psalms and talked about David being anointed to become king but how he had to wait 20 years. There are more than 20 verses in Psalms stating, "To Wait on the Lord." Do you want to know what it brought to my mind?

Patience, and how little I've had lately.

Then he went on to preach the other side of wait. When God calls us to do something and we say, "Wait Lord." He taught on how precious time is and that we don't know how much time we have. Our ultimate purpose being seeking souls for God's kingdom, being kingdom seekers. I had a lot of revelation today and I pray that the Lord can use it to help you also.

Father God I pray that Your will be my will. Lord I pray that I not try to conform Your will into my life but that my life be conformed into Your will! Lord open my eyes that I may see and my ears that I may hear. Help me to have revelation over what You are trying to teach me. Help me to stay in line with Your word. I love You Father. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

A New Day

Praise God!

Yesterday was a terrible day. In ways I wish I didn't share all the bad and ugly but I think its important for me to see my struggle. I will be able to go back and see how my emotions have roller coastered and how my faith is being exercised and built. I'll also be able to see the choices that I've made. If I choose to allow God to help me and praise Him through the storms or if I choose to wallow in the pit. In hind site it can be pretty embarrassing. But thats ok, I'm going to learn from my mistakes.

Last night dh and I argued a lot. In the end I was able to see a lot of his struggle. What he hides. It's hard on him too. Somehow I just felt like it was harder on me because I'm the one who had *go* through everything.

No, I don't go through anything alone. My grief and my emotions are felt by everyone in my household, not just my husband but also my children. I've put them through a lot. Seems they are all incredibly worried about me. This makes me feel so ashamed and disappointed in myself, but I'm going to do my best to overcome my attitude and allow my God to shine through me. Its not over. Its a new day.

We made up and making up feels so good. I feel like we came to a place of unspoken understanding with one another. I felt like our hearts opened and our love actually connected. The past few months have felt like dh and I were more like room mates than husband and wife. I just praise God for taking an ugly situation and turning it completely around.

Then late last night my youngest daughter who is seven years old, told me she wasn't feeling well. Hmmm. I looked at her and she was very pale and peaked looking. I asked her what hurt and she said her tummy. I asked her if she was hungry, no. I asked her if she needed to go potty, no. She wanted to lay down. So I tucked her into bed with her daddy. About 5 minutes later she came down the hall to me. She said,"Mommy my heart is hurting."

Fear instantly struck me.

I placed my hand on her chest and her heart was beating HARD and FAST. She was very white and she said that hurt her to breathe in. Oh no. I took her to dh and woke him up. He felt her chest and it was beginning to slow down. He was so calm. He laid hands on her and started to pray for her. Then it was over. It was gone. She was better and just ready for bed. So I snuggled her up and prayed over her for a long time last night. I am so thankful, so grateful that she is better. God I love my children and I do not want to lose them.

This morning I called her pediatrician and she has an appointment on Monday. I'm sure they'll run lots of tests and monitor her. After this incident though I realized that my focus is too consumed on trying to conceive. I need to be focused on being the godly wife and mother I should be with trying to conceive a less priority. My life isn't stopping around me waiting for me to get it together, its going on without me. My husband told me that last night. It shook me to my core.

Praise God today is a new day!

This morning I woke up early. I remembered to take my temperature! Yay for me! The phone rang and I was expecting my hubby to call so I answered the phone quickly barely allowing it ring. It was my RE's office instead. My test results were in. Breathe deeply. I had not expected them call so early. I wish I could remember her name, she was so very nice to me. They had told me I needed a result between a 2 and a 4. My results were.......






a 2.4!

Whew!!! This is such good news! Relief flooded me. Then I went on to explain to this nice lady about my horrid emotional state. I'm wondering if some of the depth of it is coming from the clomid. She agrees it could be and that next month my Dr. had mentioned taking me off clomid and trying me on Femera. This was a relief too. I don't think I could handle another month of clomid right now. She asked me if I would like to come in for a sonogram to see if I had any follicles developing and told me that they could give me a shot to help me ovulate. We had hesitated on these options because of finances. I called dh and we agreed that the cost was low enough that we could try this a few times. So I scheduled my sonogram for next Tuesday.

I'm excited. I'm so excited. It just feels good to know we are going to be doing something different and that I am not going to continue with the clomid. If we are not successful in conceiving this month I'm probably going to take a month off to give my body a break. But we will see. I really think a month of not trying would be good to get my focus off of this and maybe the stress levels will drop.

I do have to say that today I feel good. I feel so good. I just praise God for a good day. I praise Him for the joy I feel. I thank Him for my precious children.

I praise God that today is a new day!

Bear with Me

In one way I feel terrible to keep complaining but that is after all why I created this blog. I had to have somewhere that I could go and say how I feel.

Everything was fine until the phone rang and my husband called. He mentioned that we might have a class tonight at church and I voiced that I didn't want to go. He asked why. I replied that I just didn't feel good. He said, "You didn't want to take this class from the beginning."

What? Why did you say that?

"Nevermind baby," he said, "I don't want to argue with you today."

But why did you say that? I said I didn't feel like going.

This inevitably led to a horrible argument. No he didn't want to fight but he does not understand how I feel. He thinks that I am suppose to get ready and go in spite of how I feel, and trust me, I DO THIS ON MANY DAYS. But today isn't one of them. I'm shaky. The tears aren't stopping. I just needed to rest today. That is all. I needed a day off, with NO pressure and NO guilt.

I feel like he's tired of me. Like he has no sympathy or understanding. Sometimes I just need him to understand me. I don't choose this. I can't just say feel better and viola, I'm better. It doesn't work that way.

Have I pushed him away? Do I disgust him? Where is our love? Does he blame me?

Today I just needed some time.

Emotions

I feel bad and I'm so tired of feeling bad. If I'm not down because I just got the red stain then I have no energy and don't feel like even getting in the shower. I manage to do the dishes and get supper on the table. I'm actually proud of myself for those feats. Tonight I had to teach and I literally had to force myself to go. I enjoyed my kiddos. I laughed. They were good and they listened. God is good. But I couldn't wait to get home.

Noise bothers me. I'm not sleeping well but its all I want to do. I have a crick in my neck and my entire left shoulder. I'm gaining weight and its nobody's fault but my own. Everything that people say to me is insensitive. I get angry at people and I'm really a loving person. Infertility has brought out a lot of anger in me. I want it all out.

We had a family member commit suicide Sunday night. My husbands mother called to tell us as soon as she heard. She told us there would be no services. Then yesterday she found that they were holding a private family service today. She forgot to call us and tell us.

How?

She didn't forget to call his sister, but she forgot to call us.

The thing is, we were so close to this part of the family. His mom and sister were not. I'm angry and I'm bitter. I feel like she does this on purpose, I can't prove it and in reality she probably doesn't. But it sure feels like its on purpose.

His mom doesn't want me to have anymore children either. This makes for a horrible family situation. She has in the last three or four years stopped her comments so I don't have to deal with them anymore but I know how she feels. Every month I feel like she is getting her way. Childish. Childish. Childish. My own happiness and well being are being disturbed because I am not forgiving and walking in love. I have days that I do forgive and give it completely to God and I'm so full of HIM that I can visit, conversate and even hug. I can actually go long periods of time forgetting that there ever was a time that we didn't get along. I love these times. I know my husband does. And then bam, it happens again. Why do they insist on treating us this way? But Jesus said, seventy times seven. I can't do it but I know I can do it with Christ. I need Him tonight.

"Lord you feel so far away."

I'm checking my calendar, trying to clear the days so I don't have to go anywhere. I just wish I could feel good, have some energy. I am going to have to start some kind of diet soon. I can't keep going up. I despise diets. I lose 20 lbs rather quickly but I gain it back faster.

I'm praying tomorrow is a better day.