Wednesday, August 20, 2008


I feel bad and I'm so tired of feeling bad. If I'm not down because I just got the red stain then I have no energy and don't feel like even getting in the shower. I manage to do the dishes and get supper on the table. I'm actually proud of myself for those feats. Tonight I had to teach and I literally had to force myself to go. I enjoyed my kiddos. I laughed. They were good and they listened. God is good. But I couldn't wait to get home.

Noise bothers me. I'm not sleeping well but its all I want to do. I have a crick in my neck and my entire left shoulder. I'm gaining weight and its nobody's fault but my own. Everything that people say to me is insensitive. I get angry at people and I'm really a loving person. Infertility has brought out a lot of anger in me. I want it all out.

We had a family member commit suicide Sunday night. My husbands mother called to tell us as soon as she heard. She told us there would be no services. Then yesterday she found that they were holding a private family service today. She forgot to call us and tell us.


She didn't forget to call his sister, but she forgot to call us.

The thing is, we were so close to this part of the family. His mom and sister were not. I'm angry and I'm bitter. I feel like she does this on purpose, I can't prove it and in reality she probably doesn't. But it sure feels like its on purpose.

His mom doesn't want me to have anymore children either. This makes for a horrible family situation. She has in the last three or four years stopped her comments so I don't have to deal with them anymore but I know how she feels. Every month I feel like she is getting her way. Childish. Childish. Childish. My own happiness and well being are being disturbed because I am not forgiving and walking in love. I have days that I do forgive and give it completely to God and I'm so full of HIM that I can visit, conversate and even hug. I can actually go long periods of time forgetting that there ever was a time that we didn't get along. I love these times. I know my husband does. And then bam, it happens again. Why do they insist on treating us this way? But Jesus said, seventy times seven. I can't do it but I know I can do it with Christ. I need Him tonight.

"Lord you feel so far away."

I'm checking my calendar, trying to clear the days so I don't have to go anywhere. I just wish I could feel good, have some energy. I am going to have to start some kind of diet soon. I can't keep going up. I despise diets. I lose 20 lbs rather quickly but I gain it back faster.

I'm praying tomorrow is a better day.

1 comment:

Staci said...

I really feel for you. I swear I could have written your post. When you say that noises bother you and you can't sleep and the neck pain... that sounds so familiar. That and the anger and bitterness. The early posts on my blog sound identical. I know exactly where you are.

I hate that you have to go through this. I hate that anyone does. I hope that your family begins to see how important this is to you and if they can't, they will at least mind their own business!!

Many hugs. You are in my thoughts!