Friday, August 22, 2008

A New Day

Praise God!

Yesterday was a terrible day. In ways I wish I didn't share all the bad and ugly but I think its important for me to see my struggle. I will be able to go back and see how my emotions have roller coastered and how my faith is being exercised and built. I'll also be able to see the choices that I've made. If I choose to allow God to help me and praise Him through the storms or if I choose to wallow in the pit. In hind site it can be pretty embarrassing. But thats ok, I'm going to learn from my mistakes.

Last night dh and I argued a lot. In the end I was able to see a lot of his struggle. What he hides. It's hard on him too. Somehow I just felt like it was harder on me because I'm the one who had *go* through everything.

No, I don't go through anything alone. My grief and my emotions are felt by everyone in my household, not just my husband but also my children. I've put them through a lot. Seems they are all incredibly worried about me. This makes me feel so ashamed and disappointed in myself, but I'm going to do my best to overcome my attitude and allow my God to shine through me. Its not over. Its a new day.

We made up and making up feels so good. I feel like we came to a place of unspoken understanding with one another. I felt like our hearts opened and our love actually connected. The past few months have felt like dh and I were more like room mates than husband and wife. I just praise God for taking an ugly situation and turning it completely around.

Then late last night my youngest daughter who is seven years old, told me she wasn't feeling well. Hmmm. I looked at her and she was very pale and peaked looking. I asked her what hurt and she said her tummy. I asked her if she was hungry, no. I asked her if she needed to go potty, no. She wanted to lay down. So I tucked her into bed with her daddy. About 5 minutes later she came down the hall to me. She said,"Mommy my heart is hurting."

Fear instantly struck me.

I placed my hand on her chest and her heart was beating HARD and FAST. She was very white and she said that hurt her to breathe in. Oh no. I took her to dh and woke him up. He felt her chest and it was beginning to slow down. He was so calm. He laid hands on her and started to pray for her. Then it was over. It was gone. She was better and just ready for bed. So I snuggled her up and prayed over her for a long time last night. I am so thankful, so grateful that she is better. God I love my children and I do not want to lose them.

This morning I called her pediatrician and she has an appointment on Monday. I'm sure they'll run lots of tests and monitor her. After this incident though I realized that my focus is too consumed on trying to conceive. I need to be focused on being the godly wife and mother I should be with trying to conceive a less priority. My life isn't stopping around me waiting for me to get it together, its going on without me. My husband told me that last night. It shook me to my core.

Praise God today is a new day!

This morning I woke up early. I remembered to take my temperature! Yay for me! The phone rang and I was expecting my hubby to call so I answered the phone quickly barely allowing it ring. It was my RE's office instead. My test results were in. Breathe deeply. I had not expected them call so early. I wish I could remember her name, she was so very nice to me. They had told me I needed a result between a 2 and a 4. My results were.......

a 2.4!

Whew!!! This is such good news! Relief flooded me. Then I went on to explain to this nice lady about my horrid emotional state. I'm wondering if some of the depth of it is coming from the clomid. She agrees it could be and that next month my Dr. had mentioned taking me off clomid and trying me on Femera. This was a relief too. I don't think I could handle another month of clomid right now. She asked me if I would like to come in for a sonogram to see if I had any follicles developing and told me that they could give me a shot to help me ovulate. We had hesitated on these options because of finances. I called dh and we agreed that the cost was low enough that we could try this a few times. So I scheduled my sonogram for next Tuesday.

I'm excited. I'm so excited. It just feels good to know we are going to be doing something different and that I am not going to continue with the clomid. If we are not successful in conceiving this month I'm probably going to take a month off to give my body a break. But we will see. I really think a month of not trying would be good to get my focus off of this and maybe the stress levels will drop.

I do have to say that today I feel good. I feel so good. I just praise God for a good day. I praise Him for the joy I feel. I thank Him for my precious children.

I praise God that today is a new day!


These Three Kings said...

hey..Thanks for reading my blog.. I am so thankful to the LORD for giving you a new day, those are always nice.. I am praying for you and I know that THE LORD will one day answer our prayers in having more children for IS KINGDOM!
Keep the faith my friend!!


Becoming Me said...

I found your blog just today and although I have not struggled with infertility, I was moved by your words, experiences and tender heart. Hugs to you. Angela

Staci said...

Congrats in the good news from the RE! That's wonderful and I am really wishing good things for you.

When you talked about making peace with your DH, it sounded so familiar. I want you to know (and I hope this isn't inappropriate to say) that dh and I were in the same place. Seemed like we were never on the same page and just sort of floated through life. When we finally talked it out and resolved some things, we were not only closer, but I ended up pregnant within the month. It's like the stress I released did wonders for my body. I wish the same success for you!
(when you click my name it takes you to our "family" blog. The link I typed is my infertility blog.)

Many hugs!

lizwiththree said...

wow you are just going through a lot of emotions right now and i praise you for being so honest with yourself and God. i will be praying for you and your reproductive system to be able to become pregnant again. praise God.

Holly said...

I just found your blog- I love it! I appreciate your honesty. My prayers are for you today. Thanking God for a new day.. for healthy children.. for husbands-ugh ;)...for life. How scary about your daughter, glad she is ok.. update on Monday after her appointment. I will keep checking on you and I hope you get some good news on Tuesday.

beth ewing said...

good news from the RE girl. let's pray this is your month. but if not, you sound like you're in a better place. i'm so glad you talked to your husband. sounds alot like what happened with my husband and i. and please updates us on your scary!

Penless Thoughts said...

I just read the last three post, Jenileigh. So glad I got to end with this one. Never having experienced what you are I truly can't relate to your suffering. I pray and trust God will send you precious ones that do. The one thing I do know is that you need to keep your husband and your love in tact and a top priority. We are first called to be a wife, and then a mother. You know I care!!!

Jesus, My Best Friend said...


just wanted to tell you that i'm doing the femara and the HCG shot this month. i have one more week to wait and see if it worked. ask your dr. to call in your HCG shot to barren's pharmacy online and you can get it for 41 dollars. also, at walmart i got my femara 5 mg for 14 bucks. keep us posted!!! oh yea... ask your dr. the success rates of the femara/hcg combo if you think of it because i forgot mine and would love to know!!!

God Bless!!!

Sheri said...

Hi, I came to your blog through Angie's. I will be praying for you. I too suffered years of fertility problems. I can completely relate to your emotional state right now. It was such an emotional rollercoaster.