Merry Christmas

Below are a few of our before Christmas pictures. I hope and pray that all of you have a very Merry Christmas!

Introvert?

Maybe I am an introvert. Hmmmm I've never really thought about it having a name. I'll have to look a little more into that.

Things did go well, Tony ended up canceling the Saturday night gig because we did, after all, have to bake three turkeys for the banquet. :)

Friday I helped him get ready to go to the school, but couldn't go, because we realized that the kids knew me, and I'd be a dead give away to who HE really was!

Sky's party went really well, I can't believe my middle baby is 14! Where does time go?

The banquet was fabulous and I had a great time. I've just not felt real well, I think I'm getting a cold and I've been sportin a sinus headache for far too long. I'm laying back on the couch now as I type thanking the Lord that we are on a Christmas break and NOT having to do school.

Heaven is 11 weeks and 4 days and still sick as a dog. Last night she called crying because she couldn't stop vomiting. Everything she'd eaten since breakfast yesterday came right back up. We get to hear the babies heartbeat the next visit in January.

Are you ready for Christmas? I am. I can't wait. I'm very excited. The only thing missing is the snow!

Let it Snow! Let is Snow! Let it Snow!

How are all of you? I continue to pray that the Lord open the wombs of those of you still in waiting and that He keep His hand upon all of you who are expecting. Hugs to all my infertility friends this holiday season.

Winter Blues? Self Diagnosis...

Winter Blues? Or is it depression? Care to help me?

I'm not sure what it is I'm going through, if it even has a name, or if it should have a name. I don't necessarily think so. I feel fine, I love the winter time, the cold, and being a stay at home mom. I like not leaving my house for days on end. I like cooking, baking, laying back, watching movies and enjoying a season that is so easy to be lazy in. I have no problems with it all.

The problem?

It seems that others don't feel the same way. I believe to other people signs of not wanting to have to go and do things and stay home are signs of depression.

My hubby is a very social man, he loves pleasing people and doing social events. He has a Santa suite and my, oh my, he makes a very gorgeous Santa. He hasn't had many gigs this winter but has two this weekend. Friday he goes to a preschool program and Saturday night is a church visitation.

Friday is also Sky's birthday party and Sunday is our church's Christmas dinner. We were asked to head up the Christmas dinner, which basically isn't a lot. Just fixing menu's and getting the members to sign up. Then of course that night we have to make sure things are going as they should and people are doing what they should. Just over seeing things.

It is cold outside and they are calling for a wintry mix Saturday night.

The problem?

I'm dreading the whole thing. Every single bit of it. Me, I want to stay home, in my warm house and snuggle with my family. I soooo wish we didn't have a single plan this weekend. To me, it feels like a HUGE load. It feels like SO much we have to do.

I voiced this to my hubby this morning and he doesn't understand. I can't help that I feel the way I do. I don't necessarily want to feel this way. The reason I wish that I felt different is to please my husband. Still, I just want to stay home. BUT I can't because the guilt would consume me. I would feel so guilty for not going and helping.

By talking to my husband about how I feel though has put some sort of burden on him. He now feels bad that he has asked me to help out because he now knows how badly I don't want to go.

This wasn't my intention. I was just talking it out, I was hoping he'd....console me? Talk me through it? I don't know what I was thinking but I wish I'd of kept it to myself. He doesn't understand at all and he thinks I can just choose to WANT to go. That I could just look at it differently.

I never said I wouldn't go. I just said I DREAD it.

I feel so overwhelmed.

I really do dread it.

Not just one day but the entire weekend.

I hate the thought of having to do something every day. Not having just one single day that I don't have to leave the house and go out in the cold. That isn't completely true. I'm leaving something out. Even if I had one day it wouldn't change the dread. The real point I suppose, is that I don't want to have to get out in the cold or go into the crowds around all the people. Knowing I'm commitmed makes me angry because I feel like I HAVE to go or I'll be disappointing people, especially my husband. So it feels like a weight on my shoulders. Like I have no choice.

It'll lift when it's over and the next time I'm asked to do something I'll most likely say no for a long while.

Where I struggle is trying to determine if I'm depressed or if I'm normal.

Then I wonder what normal really is. Sometimes I think the world is crazy for feeling like it has to be in this social state of busy all the time. Whatever happened to family time? Why does everyone feel like they have to be DOING something in order to feel like the are accomplishing something or doing something with their life? For me, being a stay at home mom and homeschooling my girls is more than enough.

My hubby would say, we never do anything. That these busy weekends are few and far between and he is right. Every weekend isn't like this. And there are times when they are and I do enjoy them. But right now, the thoughts of this weekend make me almost mad, because I don't feel like doing it but I'm committed.

Then I feel horrible because it's hurt my husband. He doesn't understand how I feel and to him it feels personal. It's not, I assure you. I love him so much. We are just so different. I hate the struggle and the distance it seems to put between us.

When I talked to him this morning I honestly didn't realize how it would make him feel. I didn't plan the conversation or contemplate the outcome. I was just talking to him about how I felt.

When he shared how it made him feel it upset me because THAT was NOT what I was INTENDING. It has nothing to do with him directly. The reason I go anyway is BECAUSE I love him and want to make him happy. But now, all he sees is how miserable I'll be doing it, and as far as he's concerned I can stay home and he'll find someone else to go.

Situations like this suck.

Opinions?

I have to add this part. The phone just rang and I didn't recognize the number. It was one of Tony's friends and he had gotten another deer. He doesn't eat the deer he kills so he always calls us and we pick it up, clean it, cut it and can it. Or take it to have it processed. If we clean it ourselves it takes at least a day, we get it cut up and have to soak it over night sometimes two before canning. I usually go on the mountain to his  mom's and spend the night and can. Most of the time I get 14 quarts of meat.

You would think if I were depressed that this call would have added to the overwhelming feeling that I have about the above events but it didn't. The thought that I might actually get to go and do something productive for my family and NOT have to do the above things removes the guilt I'd feel for not going. I actually got excited about it.

So, in hindsight, wouldn't you think it sounds more like an anxiety instead of a depression?

Resting

I'm so tired! Things with Heaven are great. No more spotting praise God! She is 9 weeks today. Can you believe that? I can't. Time seems to be flying by.

The next doctor's appointment is Friday but I think I'll have to change it Monday for Heaven because she has some school work to do that day.

We had a blessed Thanksgiving and I'm praying that each of you did also.

I just wanted to check in since it'd been a while.

Hugs to you all!

We are home from the Doctor!

We got to see the baby and the heartbeat! Heaven and the baby are great! More great news too! She does only have one cervix BUT her cervix covers both uteri and she can carry a baby in each womb successfully!

PRAISE GOD! HALLELUJAH! FATHER GOD I PRAISE YOUR HOLY NAME!

What a mighty God we serve! He answered our prayers! They believe the small amount of spotting is coming from the right uterus. Because she is pregnant in the left uterus the right uterus that doesn't have a babe in it is acting like there is a baby in it. That uterus has no way of knowing there is a second uterus and that the babe is inside of it.

I'm SOOO happy!!!!!!!!

She is 6 weeks and 6 days and will be 7 weeks tomorrow. Her due date is July 3rd, 2010.

A hearty thank-you to all of you faithful prayer warriors! 

Wooohoooo

The Days are Dragging By

I know it feels that way because I'm anticipating Friday. It's cold and raining here, gloomy I'd say.


Even so, listen to this mornings scripture:

“God's voice thunders in marvelous ways; he does great things beyond our understanding. He says to the snow, 'Fall on the earth,' and to the rain shower, 'Be a mighty downpour.”-Job 37:5-6 

How beautiful is that?! Makes a gloomy day feel blessed. :)


I thought I'd take a second to check in to sort of make things feel like they were passing by faster. Did it work? LOL

Heaven didn't spot for two days and then this evening she spotted again. 

Three more days until we see the doctor again! 

Thanks for continuing to pray for Heaven and her baby. 

Just Checking In

No news really, Heaven stopped spotting for several days and then started again. Once it was heavier, but then it quit.

Last night we had a Youth Rally and all the pastors gathered around Heaven and we all prayed over her. I'm trusting God to take care of this baby. He created him/her and He knew him/her before He knit him/her in Heaven's womb. He knows what is best.

It's taken me a bit to come to this peace of mind but I know He is God no matter what. I continue to speak life over Heaven and her womb and I will give God all the glory over this child's life.

Thank-you for your continued prayers.

Doctor's appointment is this Friday.

Hugs to you all. You have no idea how much you each mean to me.

Limbo

Okay I'm finally home.

So far so good!

They compared her sonogram to her blood work and both are saying 5 weeks. The doctor says it is very probable that she is just not as far long as they thought. He explained that all women ovulate at different times each month and its highly possible she ovulated late which would put her at 5 weeks instead of 8.

She has NOT spotted today. She only spotted once yesterday evening.

The plan is to return next Friday and they are going to do more blood work to check her HSG levels and they are going to do another sonogram to compare to the blood work. This will show if things are progressing in a timely manner or not. So praise God!

Thank-you all for praying us through thus far!

So we are in for another week of waiting.

They found something else.

When they did her sonogram they discovered that she has two full uteruses. Her ovaries are normal, only two. Next week he is going to examine her to check for two cervixes. I've never heard of this before in my entire life. The doctor says that this happens in every 150 women. I surely wouldn't think it's that common. Maybe I misunderstood the number. She is pregnant in the left uterus. Two different nurses we spoke with today knew women with two uteruses and both had had two babies at once, one of the women had had two babies twice. They do not call this twins because they are in different uterus's. Have any of you ever heard of this?

The doctor says that this will not cause complications with her pregnancy, nor do women with this have a higher chance of miscarriage so there is no need for concern. It just strikes me as very odd.

Thoughts? 

Editing:

 I've been reading and found different statistics. 

1 in 2500 and 1 in 1000. 

I've read that because she has two they aren't as big as one. This means that even though there is one baby she'd carry it as though it were twins, having only half the room. There seems to be a high rate of preterm labor due to lack of room. There are also many that carry full term. 

If we discover there are in fact duplicate cervixes then there will always be a possibility of  her conceiving in both uteruses. 

 Miscarriage rates seem to be the same for women with double uteruses as they are in women without, you just never know. They were higher in women who had a second uterus with no cervix, due to the egg planting in the wrong uterus. 

Without a cervix it can't survive.

We will definitely have more questions next week when we return. 

From what I read, she'll be considered high risk with a higher risk of c-section. 

The doctor brushed it off as though it were nothing. He did say he'd be looking for the duplicate cervix next week. 

Definitely keep her covered in prayer.

Bad Speculations

I never should have thought all that out loud as nothing could be further from what is happening.

Her HCG was 5565 and the nurse said that this is normal for someone who is in the range of 3-4 weeks pregnant. They did NOT check her progesterone.

I looked online and HCG levels of 5500 were normal for pregnancies anywhere between week 3 to week 7. From what I read they varied a lot.

The nurse still assures me that everything is fine and that the sonogram coupled with the blood work is what will inform them of whats going on.

I'm a little more at peace tonight than I was today.

I broke down crying on the phone with the nurse.

I didn't realize how I was bottling up this fear until that moment. I'm so glad that Heaven was at school and not here to see me. I'm so glad that I broke down today and not tomorrow. I don't want Heaven to see my concerns.

She is blissfully happy.

So now I know two things.

She is NOT further along as we had hoped for.

She is NOT pregnant with twins.

Today her spotting stopped. None this morning, none this afternoon, but then it came again tonight. Just a wee little bit, really dark brown.

The nurse says this is a really good thing. She talked with me for a long time today. She was so comforting to me.

I pray my baby girl and her baby are fine. Just fine.

It helps to come here and share. When I started this blog it was for me to voice my anger and feelings over my own infertility. I never dreamed that it would become a place for me to come about other things. Especially not like this, but nevertheless, I am thankful for it and for each of you. You have no idea the peace it brings to know you all are out there and that you are praying for my daughter and grandbaby. I wish I could hug each one of you.

I'll be back tomorrow evening.

Speculating-bear with me

I've been replaying the nurse's words over and over in my  head.

I knew we needed high HCG levels and low levels could mean the worst case scenerio. So in my mind I'm thinking HIGH numbers.

Right?

Well the nurse said this. "Her levels are HIGH, HIGH, HIGH."

Dummy me, I didn't think to ask WHAT levels were high and what the exact numbers were. I'm on total new ground in this area.

Did they test her progesterone when they test her HCG?

So I go and do a search on HIGH HCG levels, which I probably shouldn't be doing at this point because that just gives me more to be concerned about. AND I don't know WHAT her levels are.

There are three possibilities with HIGH HCG levels.

The most logical one is that Heaven is further along that we expected. Which from the previous post I'm sure you can see how this could be possible. The difference between 8 weeks and 14 is HUGE.

This is what I did. Her last known period was Sept. 10.

It was 18 days late.

I counted back 18 days for the date her period would have been due, had it been on time, and that was August 24th.

I went back one month to figure out what her last period would have been and that gives me July 24th.

I counted forward from July 24th and that gave me 13 weeks. (14 weeks on Friday)

That is a BIG difference from September 10th, which would put her at 8 weeks on Thursday.

The second reason I found was multiple births.

The third reason I found, is the one I wish I'd never read.

Something called a Molar Pregnancy.

Honestly I shouldn't be do any of this. It just makes me crazier. I need to go and pray.

The doctor will be in after 1. So hopefully I'll have the totals soon and I'll update again.

Heaven's Update

Okay, yesterday we went in to the doctor. Since it's Heaven's first visit they refused to see her. We didn't have an appointment we just showed up. Her appointment isn't until the 12th. I was persistent. They finally had the nurse go and talk to the doctor. This is the same doctor that delivered Sky and Meadow for me. I love them. They are very good.

After speaking with the doctor the nurse came out and told us that this is very normal. I stopped her right there. "No, I'm 38 years old and I've never heard of this before in my entire life"...(well, except on my blog!) She said, "I'm being honest, it happens. We believe everything is fine BUT just to be on the safe side we are sending her for blood work today and depending on the results, we may be sending her again in 48 hours."

In talking more in-depth with Heaven I discovered a weird thing. Her last period in September was 18 days late.

She took five pregnancy test.

3 invalid

1 negative

1 positive

This will throw more into the mix if we discover she is further along than we originally thought.

She can't remember her period that month when she did get it. That is aggravating to me. She can't remember if her period was normal, light ect... just that she wrote down that her period started on September 10th.

On the positive end, her pregnancy signs are increasing. She is getting heavy nausea both when she does eat and when she does not. She is constipated and has numerous other signs. These are good things!

She is still spotting, dark brown again, a tiny amount. The size of a dime and sometimes a quarter. She is not cramping.

I did not experience this, ever, with my pregnancies. I only experienced the light pink tinge of implantation. I have read that Heaven's type of spotting happens in 25 percent of women. Of the 25 percent, half of the pregnancies are normal. I'm praying Heaven will fall in THAT percentage.

I speak life over Heaven's womb and ask the Lord to save the life of this unborn child. In Jesus Christ' mighty name.

So please continue your prayers.

Update

The doctor's office just called. They apologized for not being able to call us yesterday with the results. It was hard waiting. Her blood work came back great! I'm so glad! They have scheduled an ultrasound tomorrow at 12:45. The nurse said they would compare the sonogram to the blood work and that if things didn't match up they would order more blood work.

If you feel led, please go into intercession for this baby!

Thank-you SOOOO much!

I'll update again tomorrow!

Please pray

Heaven is still spotting.

She has been spotting dark brown the size of a quarter 3 times a day for 6 days. Tonight it went from brown to light pink, but only the size of a dime. When she wiped it was on the tp once but then clean.

I'm trying so hard not to be rattled.

I'm rattled.

I'm taking her to the doctor without calling and I'm going to insist they see her in the morning. So far they just say everything is fine and to wait. Sigh...waiting is hard.

If you all would cover her in prayer I would so appreciate it!

Thank-you so much.

What a scare

I went over to my son in law's with my dad and the girls last night to help paint the nursery. I know it's a bit early but Heaven is so excited! She choose yellow and its really pretty. After the painting was done we all sat down to watch Biggest Loser. They have a dvr and had recorded last weeks and this weeks so we watched them both back to back.

Did I tell you I love that show?

The phone rings and its Heaven calling from work. She had started spotting and was scared. I tried to get her to come home but she only had another hour. She said it was dark and that it had stopped. I remember spotting a light tinge color with the girls but not as much as she was describing.

She came home and we talked until 1 am.

I got the girls home and in bed by 1:30 am.

I had Heaven call her family doctor this morning. (She doesn't have an OBGYN yet.) She explained what had happened. The doctor told her she felt she was fine but that if she started bleeding bright red to go to the ER. The doctor also took her out of work for the next week so Heaven does not have to finish her two week notice. I really think that pulling and lifting the elderly was too hard for her. Too much strain. I was so relieved that the doctor took her out. I was so uneasy about her working during this early time. She is under too much stress and has to go to school tomorrow all day.

I'm hoping now that she is going to be able to get some much needed rest. I took her out to lunch today, to pick up her doctor's excuse and then to work to drop it off.

If you think of us please keep her in your prayers. She will be going to the doctor soon. She still has some information to get to the insurance company first and she is really early. I'm thinking 5 or 6 weeks.

Thanks and God bless you!

Changed My Mind

I did decide to go ahead and start another blog just for my weight loss. I'll still post a weigh in here and try to update on me and Heaven and how things are going. I don't want to let The Red Stain die but I don't know how much infertility related things I'll be posting.

I can say that this month I ovulated hard. I cramped extra hard during the time I was passing the stringy cervical fluid. Dh and I did not umm.....have relations during this time. In one sense I'm almost afraid to chance getting pregnant. I know that sounds absolutely crazy, even to me. It's just how I'm feeling right now.

Tony has been on extra short time and we're struggling a little more now than ever before. Mostly due to the credit card bill I ran up trying to conceive. I know the Lord will see us through but I almost feel guilty at times. Then I remember, if I hadn't of done it, I'd always wonder if there was a problem or something wrong with me so I let it go. What is done is done and during the season I was in it was the best thing at that time.

So I'll keep updating things like this. :) I love seeing what God is doing in so many of your lives and knowing that He has something awesome planned for others. With God, you never know when, but He is awesome and mighty and He always comes through.

Even if its in ways we'd never expected.

Weigh In #1

I'm exhausted and haven't been home long so this is going to be short.

Starting weight was 195

Eleven days in weigh in for week 1 is 188

Total loss is 7 pounds for me. I was happy!

Tony began in August at 385

He did the 21 day Daniel fast in September and then began Atkins with me. His weigh in today was:

259

He is down 26 pounds since September 1st! I'm so proud of him.

Life is Full of Surprises

My oldest daughter Heaven is a CNA and working full time at the nursing home here and enrolled in college full time hoping to be accepted into the RN program somewhere in the next year or two. She is not use to the full load and it has been a very stressful year for her. Being engaged, planning her wedding, getting married in May, taking state board exams in August, then moving on to a full time job and college full time-well, that is a plate full. Needless to say there have been many tears shed lately. She calls me often and it really breaks my heart to hear her distress. I'm so use to being able to comfort and soothe her and now I find myself in the position that I have to NOT cuddle her but say, "You can do this, it is NOT too hard, hang in there, it won't be for long."

Last night she came here after work, she works second shift and it was almost midnight. I was still up, on the computer and on the phone and it scared me when she came through the door in tears. I jumped up and greeted her, she kept trying to hug me but she was crying so hard that I wanted to stand back and assess the situation. I didn't mean not to comfort her, I kept telling her to calm down, but she kept saying she couldn't. It took some time, she told me about her horrible night at work and how she felt like everyone just took advantage of her all the time. She is a helper and she goes out her way to help others and she cares about the elderly at the nursing home and the little old people love her...so she does spend extra time there and it would be nice in a perfect world if others were like her and returned the help but they don't. They'll call on her for help and then abandon her when she goes to do her hall. So she clocks out 30 minutes later than everyone else and has to be at school before 8:oo am.

She has been here at my house doing homework some nights as late as 3:oo am. and then have to go to bed, get up and be at school before 8. I know she is tired. I know this is a hard season for her.

I've been a little concerned over her sadness lately. I hate to see her so stressed and sad. Last night, she just couldn't calm down and I began having a thought....just wondering....if maybe....there was a chance....that she may be.....well.....

you know........


pregnant?

"No mom! There is no way I could be pregnant. My periods are messed up and, and, and, and"

Heaven, how late are you?

"Nine or ten days but, but, but, last month I was 18 days late and I wasn't pregnant, my periods are messed up."

Heaven, I have some pregnancies test in the bathroom, will you take one if I get it out?

Between sobs she replied,"O, O, Okay."

The whole time she was peeing in the cup, she continuing to sob. I took the cup and dipped the stick and held it the entire time. She is now through short sucked in breaths telling me that she has a urinary tract infection and that she's had it for a week but hadn't wanted to go to the doctor. Never paying the least bit of attention to the test.

It's one of those that reads pregnant or not pregnant, remember my post on those? I'm watching this little ticker in the window and all of a sudden it pops up:


PREGNANT

She has the snubs and she is still telling me about her incredibly bad week and I'm trying to speak to her and finally had to yell, "Heaven, Heaven! You are pregnant! You are pregnant!"

Stunned silence.

"What?"

Look here, sweetheart, calm down and read the test. It says pregnant.

"It says what? It says I'm pregnant?"

Screams finally escape the tears and then we proceed to wake up everyone in our house and call everyone we know. It was close to 1:oo am but somehow the time didn't seem to matter. Finally, I was able to soothe her, hold her and comfort her.

Today we went to the doctor's office to rule out a urinary tract infection and get confirmation on her pregnancy and we did.

WOW, I'm going to be a grandmother at 38 years old. I'm still in shock.

My baby is going to have a baby.

I'm ecstatic.

We went to lunch and I ate some broiled seafood and a salad. Then we took a trip over to K-Mart to look at baby clothes and they had some onesies in packs that were buy one get one free, so I picked up two pink packets for a girl. I have been buying boy clothes in faith (for me) over the years so I have quite a collection of blankets and clothes for boys. I actually had sent those home with her a few months ago when the Lord gave me peace over not having any more children. ;)

On the way home she was talking about getting fat while I was trying to get skinny and us being on opposite ends of the pole.

'Oh please, Heaven, you are young I'm almost 40, you need to be praying for your daddy and me because this diet is HARD. Do you want to know how hard it is for me? Well, when I was standing in K-Mart back there in line waiting to pay for the babies clothes I could smell the sugar. I looked around to see the candy I was smelling and it wasn't even candy I would normally eat but the smell. As I enhaled the ever so sweet smell of sugar my mouth began to salivate and my stomach began to growl. Those are true signs of addiction to sugar. It's like being a vampire and smelling blood. It took everything I had to ignore the little voice in my head telling me it was okay, to go ahead and eat the sugar, it wouldn't hurt me.....'

"Sheesh Mom! Are you okay?"

Yes, I'm fine, but withdrawals from sugar are no pic nic in the park. This is hard stuff.

"Sounds like it mom, vampires smelling blood....."

ROFLOL~

I'm not kidding Heaven-it's hard, that hard for me.

So, anywho........ I'm going to be a grandmother.

Trying Again

I'm once again going to attempt to take off this weight that I've gained in the last 8 years since having my sweet Meadow.

You thought I was going to say I was trying something else...........................didn't you?

Sorry!

I seriously gave a lot of thought to creating a blog just for that because in one sense it has nothing to do with infertilityl, BUT due to the fact that I already have three quite active blogs I simply couldn't justify it. AND many of those who struggle with infertility are asked to shed some pounds. I've been reading the blog All You Who Hope for a long while now and she is very inspiring to me. She was told she needed to lose and she did, she never faltered. She set her mind to it and she did it. I'm so proud of her.

The next thing is to figure out how. What do I want to do to lose weight?

I've decided, once again, I know...I know... but- I've decided to do Atkins, extreme low carb, induction phase at 20 carbs a day. I started this actually on October 13th weighing in at an incredible 195 pounds. I've weaned myself back to drinking water and I'm almost caffeine free. I have had to have a cup of coffee or 1/2 a can of Diet Mt. Dew to keep the headaches away. There was no way I was going to suffer that 7 day withdrawal headache again. Every day that the headache came I would drink something and within 20 minutes the headache was gone. Crazy isn't it?

For those of you who read here you know that earlier this year I started a weight loss process and I was successful for 12 weeks and lost down to 178 pounds for a total of a 20 pound loss. I've gained almost all of that back just shy of 4 pounds.

I had been feeling the Lord nudge me to do something about my weight for a while. I would sort of push it back in my mind and think to myself, "Another time." The biggest reason for that is my failure rate. I start and stop, I lose then gain, like a yo yo. Remember?

Lately I've been spending a lot of time remembering. Remembering back to when I did lose weight and how good I felt about myself. How I came out of my shell and had this sheer joy and confidence. I even remembered words that I had spoken, such as, "Now that I actually know what its like to be little and feel so good I'll NEVER ever allow myself to be heavy again." In one way those words have sort of haunted me. I look at myself and I know that losing weight is not impossible for me. I know it's not unattainable.

I can do it.

If I only will.

So finally I just got to this place and felt like I HAD to do it and that I HAD to do it now. I'm very thankful that so far it has not been hard or a struggle for me at all. Watching the Biggest Loser is VERY helpful to me too. I asked my husband to do this diet with me. I started on Tuesday and by Saturday morning he agreed to come on board! I was so excited! It is so much easier to do this together than it is to do this separately! He needs it too, just as much as I do. I'm praying that this will be something that we can be successful in together.

I currently do not have a scales. I weighed my starting weigh at my mother in laws and I've ordered a scale online and it's been shipped. Now I'm just waiting on it to arrive. :) So I'll start my weigh in post this Friday IF the scale is here. It'll be week one for me and my husband. I'll be a few days over and he'll be one day shy! I want us to weigh in together once a week and NOT daily. I know for me, weighing in daily can be disheartening.

Well-for now that is it.

(I also learned a lot about the Low GI Diet from All You Who Hope. I have ordered that book and cookbook because I know that I cannot live on Atkins forever and I want to have a fall back plan. I do NOT want to go back to doing NOTHING.)

It Came Today

FInally, another one of those late months.

A 32 day cycle.

All in all it was an okay month, I was irritable this week and I was hoping the stain would come sooner. I have a ALL day field trip planned for tomorrow and it'll be a bit more difficult for me on my heaviest day. I've been looking forward to this trip to the science museum for a while now. Tomorrow it'll probably be crowded because everything is free and I'm sure everyone will talk advantage of that, just like we are.

I am planning to go on another field trip with the whole family (I hope) to see a life size replica of the Tabernacle. I've been reading and studying on this for a little over a year or so. I read a wonderful book called The Fleshing Floor by Juanita Bynum and it included so many details and scripture and why the Tabernacle was built. Very powerful and moving book. I've been intrigued about the Tabernacle since then. Next year Sky will studying the Tabernacle as part of her Bible in My Father's World and we will be building a small replica of the Tabernacle here. How amazed I was when I discovered that there was an actual life size replica close to us for a small amount of time, October 16th through the 25th. I'll definitely share about it if we get to go.

We are having a great homeschool year so far. I've been up at 7 everyday this week. I'm so proud of me! It's very hard for me to go to sleep at night even getting up early. I pray it'll come more natural to me as I go on. We are finishing school really early during the days and having plenty of time for chores.

Well, I just wanted to update a little. Praying all is well everyone.

Bunny Adventures-Part 2

After Tuesday I was almost hesitant to go to see more bunnies but we were on a mission....so I found what looked to be a wonderful Rabbitry only an hour and a half away. It turned out to be a G-R-E-A-T rabbitry. This lady was so nice to me through e-mail and was willing to work us in last minute. She had a huge barn that she kept all her bunnies in and the only bunny she breeds is the Holland Lop.

Brenda introduced herself and shook my hand and I was thinking, "Praise God, this feels good." Brenda showed us around her barn and shared with us a wealth of information on Holland Lops. I was so excited. She put her Grand Champions up on blocks and showed us what the judges would look for if we decided to show our bunnies. She showed us differences in the bunnies, how one had this better or one had that better. The thing that excited me the most was that even if she pointed out what a judge would consider a fault, I couldn't see it. Her pet bunnies were show bunnies and I'm NOT kidding.

She proceeded to show me little kits that were only four hours old, 7 days old and then 14 days old. (Don't you know I forgot my camera and didn't get pictures of this wonderful experience!) This was truly an educational field trip on bunnies. Exactly what I'd been hoping for.

Brenda showed me Lops that were so friendly and some that were more shy. I learned that the boys were absolute lovey doveys and that my thoughts of having all girls was silly. The bunnies that I did finally end up getting have pedigrees and Grand Champion bloodlines. Not that that will matter, I really don't know that the girls and I will show our bunnies but you just never know. I'm going to continue studying it this winter.

Meadow decided on a buck that is 12 weeks old. We had a hard time choosing a name but finally all decided on Frodo. Here he is.

Meadow holding Frodo like a baby, notice how friendly he is.

I love the beautiful color of these Holland Lops, it is called broken tortoise.

Here is Frodo on the carpet.

Sky decided on a sweet doe that is 16 weeks old. I know looking at these pictures its very hard to tell them apart. They really do look so much alike. Sky named hers Bella. Bella doesn't like to be held as much as Frodo, she prefers to have her freedom and hop around the house! We are giving Bella a two week trial, and in two weeks if Brenda calls and has this other buck ready we may take her back and exchange her. Bucks are just friendlier and it would save me the worries of them ever breeding....which we would breed some beautiful Holland Lops if I decided to go that route, but we really were just looking for pets. I could get both bucks fixed and they'd live in perfect harmony. :) We shall see.

Bella, hopping in front of the piano.

Bella, facing me.
The butterfly shaped coloring on her nose is higher than Frodo's and the color is darker. I'll be posting more pictures of them soon.

Tony finally got one of the cages together today, so we've moved them over into it. I did have them in a dog cage but there is no wire for the poopies to drop through. We are going to set up the big cage as a play area for them a change of scenery and exercise. I am so glad that we went with the Holland Lops. They really are a friendly, furry and hearty breed. I just love bunnies! I praise God for a happy ending!

Bunny Adventures-Part 1

Boy has it been a long week.

The girls decided a while back that they wanted bunnies but with getting the lovebirds and being as busy as we've been I was just taking my time and studying the breed we wanted.

Meadow really wanted a Netherland Dwarf or a Hotot. Have you ever seen a Hotot? They are a beautiful solid white dwarf breed with a black circle around their eyes that looks like eyeliner. They are known as *Fancy Eyes*.

Well I had searched and searched online and had finally found what I thought was a good breeder about 2 1/2 hours away. We went through her web site and seen what was available, I e-mailed the breeder and talked with her on the phone and decided to make the trip up there.

Were we so disappointed. Meadow went right in and found the bunny she'd seen online that said it was available. "Here she is mommy, here is the one I want!" The lady said, I don't believe she is available. Meadow said, "She was on the web site." The lady picked one rabbit out of two different litters and told Meadow she could choose from them. We took one look at them and knew why she was selling them. They were not near as pretty and were over twice the size.

Now, I do understand that breeders keep the show animals and why they do this but to advertise a show bunny and try to swap out pet animals-some with severe conditions is deception.

We left not buying a bunny.

Meadow cried her heart out.

On our way home I passed a sign that said, "Dwarf Rabbits". So we pulled in. They had two tiny (and I mean tiny) white Netherland Dwarf bunnies. Meadow fell in love with the girl and they were only $25 so after all we'd been through I caved and bought her.

Meadow named her Lulu.

We got home at 6:45 pm, she was a small fragile, very pretty bunny. I could tell her ears were way to long for a Netherland but that was okay. We wanted to love her and give her a home. At 9:00 pm she started shaking and died within minutes on my tummy. It was a very horrible, traumatic experience. Meadow cried her heart out again and slept with Tony and I.

Meadow wanted to give Lulu a funeral and bury her. I called the Pet Store but the man refused to allow that and give me credit for what I'd paid for her. I had to box her and take her back to the store.

Here she is:

Lulu

Lulu

There is more to our bunny adventures and I'll share them a little later, tonight I'm exhausted and I don't to write too long of a post on here. Stay tuned for Part-2.

Rest in Peace Lulu

Today was my Birthday

I turned 38. I had a good day, my bird cage came in (I have lots of pets for the girls and our homeschool journey that I post on our homeschool blog) and their playground. I just LOVE the cage. I may post a picture for you guys along with a picture of my lovebirds. They are beautiful, I'll be hand feeding the babies birdies soon, every 4 hours around the clock for a few weeks. Talk about mothering instincts! LOL

Tomorrow we are visiting a Rabbitry for a field trip and the girls are looking at getting a Holland Lop and a Dwarf Hotot. We've been studying them for a few weeks. I'm excited.

A hamster..

Two Guinea Pigs...

Lovebirds....

Two Dogs....A Westie and a Shih Tzu

and now two bunnies.

I'd say my quiver is getting close to full, wouldn't you?

I'm in His presence

As much as possible I just bathe in Him. I want Him to consume me. I love the song that plays first on my playlist. I'm trying to imagine feeling God's heart beat. Wow. He is so awesome, so amazing, so much bigger, larger than anything my little mind could possibly ever imagine. One day, every knee will bow. I love You Father, I love You Jesus, I love You Holy Spirit. I thank You for this beautiful life that You have blessed me with. I give You all the praise, all the honor and all the glory. Hallelujah!

Have a moment? Worship with Me Please....

Stop the Abortion Mandate

Tired

I've been so down, so tired and so busy. Nothing is infertility related (in my mind anyway), although my cycle this month has been very weird...spotting through the last two weeks. So I imagine this is why my hormones and mood swings are so up and down. I so do not like the down. I've been weak and I appear so unhappy, I'm not unhappy, I just don't feel good and no one understand this not even me. I'm having bouts of insomnia.

If you could, would you lift me up in prayer if you think of me please? Thanks

The Red Stain

I almost forgot, it came early this morning. It made for a day of suffering, but never has my suffering been so rewarding. I'm okay again. Good news, isn't it?

Back from a missions trip

It was so wonderful. We've spent months gathering food to take to a desolate place in West Virginia to feed those less fortunate. It's been an awesome time as our church has drawn together, worked together for the glory of God and grown closer to one another.

Today as we handed out boxes of food we shared the gospel of Jesus Christ and how He died on the cross to save us from our sins. There were souls saved, there were seeds planted, there was much encouragement, word from our Lord, praise and worship and a wonderful time of fellowship.

Doors opened. Eyes opened. I'll talk about the doors later. This is special to me.

What a great time in the Lord. I love that Pastor is training us, that I am his protege. I love that I actually got to get out in field, over my fears, and share the love of Christ with strangers.

How long its been.

True missions.

I'm so looking forward to the next assignment from the Lord.

I'm so excited about what God is going to do in my life as well.

Continuing to pray for all of you, and as always, your prayers are appreciated as well.

Prayer Warriors

Please pray for my friend, her mind is getting worse daily. Please stand in the gap with me for her. She is my age and has three children. Words cannot express how deep and serious this battle is. Thank-you all.

Visitors

Please take the time to comment me.

Even if its just a hello....

Because hello, goes a long way.

I see some of you ------->

So why stop by and not say hello?

Thanks friends.......

Sunny days

I love the hot and sunny days. We've been so busy lately (and still are) I feel I hardly have the time to slow down and enjoy them. We had a wonderful weekend full of the Lord, we went to services Friday night, worked with gathering food (for the upcoming missions trip we are going on) from Walmart on Saturday morning, cleaned the church, had drama practice, went to services Saturday night, Church Sunday morning, drama practice again and Tony preached an awesome message Sunday night, the girls and I also performed the drama we had been working on all week. It was an AWESOME time in God!

Looking back over my posts I see that the desire to have another child resurfaced. Which is fine with me as long as its peaceful, accepting....just allowing and not controlling me. I'm not thinking about it daily. I'm not upset if it doesn't happen. I trust my Father to make these decisions for me and I'm content with His choices.

I'm mostly disappointed in myself for being so upset about the situation that came up with my friend, because I feel that my emotions rattled me so that I couldn't really be there for her the way I needed to be, kwim?

I think my friend is finally accepting the fact that she has been scammed and has lost a great deal of money. Pray for her.

Going to head to the kitchen to begin dinner, steaks, new potatoes and cooked summer squash. Mmmm

6 years mile marker

I noticed the day that I pitched my little fit, that the time that has lapsed since we REALLY started trying to conceive again had hit another milestone.

6 years.

Not how I had pictured things.

Is it possible to be content and a little sad at the same time?

I think it is.

Obedience is important to God.

I am truly content, but my heart is open.

I'll be 38 in September.

It isn't over yet.

While I feel that God has other things in store for me, and I've come to the place that I can see myself NOT having more children, there is always the little thought in the back of my mind that says, you never know.

And you know something?

You just never know.

;)

Feeling like Scum of the Earth

Sheesh, what an emotional day of turmoil I had the other day. I feel bad just reading that post. I did edit one paragraph, I still feel like I should delete the whole thing but sometimes you can't do that. In real life you don't get to go back and delete the ugly, you only get to repent, the memory is left as a reminder of what the Lord brought you out of. So, that post will be a reminder of what I don't want to go back into. I don't want to be selfish, I don't want to NOT be able to celebrate life and miracles for those the Lord chooses to bless. Who am I to question God?

My friend is having such a hard time, she has been battling sickness for several years now, at one time was only 87 lbs. She truly is fighting for her life.

Yesterday I started making a few calls about this adoption thing myself. My friend had already sent in $200 and I didn't want to see them lose anymore. From every person that I have spoken with its a scam. I had my friend forward me the documents of abandonment and the decree of adoption that had been e-mailed to her. These e-mails contained the e-mail addresses that the person is using, the name they are using among other pieces of information. I contacted the Federal Trade Commission and I filed a report of scam and was able to forward these e-mail to them. Today when I called my friend to tell her what I had done, I discovered that she had sent them $250 more late last night. Today the man is claiming that he didn't receive the money.

I'm just sickened for them. Please pray for them, please pray that these scammers are caught so that they cannot victimize anyone else.

I feel like a heel.

Rising to the Surface

I have had such peace over the last few months, bliss, peace, a wonderous feeling. The peace is there as long as I am in prayer or in the presence of God. When I come out and I start thinking, I sink. I'm binding my thoughts and doing all I can to crucify my flesh and line my thoughts up with God's word. I'm not discontent, I'm so happy with my life and all the Lord has blessed me with. How can I express what I am feeling and going through? Where are the words?

It happened out of the blue....the beginning of the fall I mean. Everything was fine, it was a day like all other days. Heaven had come over to help me clean Sky's room because she was away at camp. We were talking and laughing, really enjoying our day together. We found an old box that Sky was using for trash and we were emptying it piece by piece, you know, just in case something of value happened to have landed in it.

I reached into the box and I pulled out an old prescription bottle. I read it and it had my name on it. It was an old Clomid bottle. How in the world did that get in there? Of course it was empty because I had taken the medicine already. Somehow though, in that moment, I became mesmerized. I just read the label over and over and over and over. Frozen in a moment, not realizing I had traveled back in time with no awareness to where I was at that moment or what I was suppose to be doing.

"Mom?" "Mom?.." "M-O-M!"..... "What are you doing?" Heaven was trying to bring me back, I wasn't ready though, not yet. I wanted to stay where I was for a little while, I wanted to think, I wanted to remember, I wanted to feel what was deep inside of me.

No, I bound it up. I moved on.

We continued working.

Then Heaven found a bag, it was a beautiful African bag I had found at the airport last summer when Heaven was getting ready to leave on her month long missions trip in Africa. It was clearanced and it had shouted my name! So, I bought it. I didn't really need or know what I was buying it for, but for me, it symbolized Heaven, her faith and her trip, so I purchased it.

I was so longing for another child during that time, desperately seeking. So I decided to act in faith and begin buying clothes. Of course I wanted a son, so boy clothes it was. Crush velvety soft blankies with trains on them. Two, you know, for twins. If I was going to dream and have faith for something, it was going to be extrordinary. So as the months rolled by I'd add to my faith bag and it wasn't long before it was full. I had to start another bag and had it stored in my bedroom closet. I also had clothes hanging on the back of my bedroom door, I had purchased an abundance of faith clothes!

This African bag had made its way into Sky's room, into her closet. I had sort of forgotten about it, I mean, I knew I had it but it hadn't came to mind in a long long while. I had stopped adding to the collection some time back when I made the decision to STOP wrestling with the idea of having another child.

Here is was, just moments after seeing the Clomid bottle. Why was this happening to me? I'm so close to the Lord, so strong in Him, growing, working, serving, moving on and yet, here it is. What am I to do with it?

Overcome it...

I prayed, Lord help me, don't let me slip, don't let me fall back into that pit. Draw me near, safe in Your arms, where I am so satisfied, there is no pain or dreams that haven't come true. I need You. I need You right now so much.

Thank-You Father. Thank-You for hearing me.

Heaven asks me where in the world all of these gobs of baby boy clothes had come from.

I told her.

'Oh, mom, I had no idea, where do you want me to put them?'

Deep breath.

"Heaven, I want you to take them."

'O, mom I couldn't.'

"I want you to Heaven, I've come to terms with not having any more children and you just got married, you'll be having my grandchildren soon. It's okay, I'm okay, take them."

'Are you sure?'

"I'm sure."

So it was done, we put them in her car and I breathed a sigh of relief that it was over and I didn't have deal with it anymore. I'd done the right thing, felt most sure of it, as sure as sure can feel when you are 37 and have been trying to conceive for the last 6 plus years. AS sure as you can be when you aren't sure if wanting more children is selfish or logical, or if you can even afford them. As sure as you can be when you are afraid to have faith for something that may not be God's will and all you want more than anything, more than life itself, is to be in the perfect will of God.

I moved on, with a smile. We finished up and I put it all out of my mind.

Later that night I had settled down. I felt good.

Then the phone rang.

I have a friend that is struggling with a lot of sickness, not a little but a huge load. Physical and mental sickness and its hard. It's hard for them and its hard for me. My heart goes out to her. She has fought for her very life. Satan has attacked them from every direction, financially they are on the bottom. Her sickness has affected not only her but her husband and her three children and although the Lord is healing her, she has such a long way to go. It has been hard for me to watch because when someone is in a situation like this there is only so much you do. You can't step in and be a mother to the children, no matter how strongly you see the need. It's hard when you see someone suffering and you know some of the answers but they refuse to listen. Sometimes you feel like they are choosing to stay in it, but you have to remind yourself, the devil is the master of deceit. The best most powerful thing you can do it to pray. So I have prayed. I have intercessed. I have seen defeat but I have seen victory. I will continue to stand in the gap for this family. I love them.

I knew she was having test run and I was anxious to hear her results and how she was doing. She'd had a rough few days and I was concerned for her. She is my friend. A good friend, not just an acquaintance. I speak with her weekly, most of the times several times a week and there is little that we don't share with one another.

She asked me to pray for someone, I replied, 'Sure, who is it?' Well, she opened up and began pouring out this long story of a girl who had been raped and had a baby girl and she didn't want the baby because she reminded her of the rape. I don't know all the details of the story because this was the first I'd heard of it and I couldn't absorb it all. I caught bits and pieces, the girl had been in France in school but had traveled to Africa, had the baby prematurely and the African government wouldn't allow the baby to leave because it had African citizenship. She'd been talking to this girl for months and yet had never mentioned it to me. My head was swirling.

My friend and her husband had been approved as adoptive parents and were suppose to pay a refundable insurance fee to get the girl and the baby out of Africa. The girl wanted my friend to adopt her daughter. So, somehow, the girl and the baby would be flown into a local airport, drop off the baby and then the girl would head on to France. The insurance was to guarantee that my friend here is real and that she really wanted the baby. Once she has the baby the money will be refunded with a check of some sort that no one could cash but my friend, the people in Africa are suppose to send a code to my friend's e-mail and then my friend will use this code to cash the check and get her insurance money refunded.

Are you still with me?

My friend has supposedly contacted the US Embassy. All of this is suppose to be legal and on the up and up but it sounds so much like a scam to me.

So here is my dilemma.

I don't want my friends to be hurt or to lose money I know they do not have. I love them.


Let's just be honest here, why her Lord and not me? Why did my husband's sister get Aiden and not me?

How is it that I may, and I say may, because I really do smell fish here, but how is it that I may have to deal with someone else, that isn't capable of taking care of a child being given one by someone else.

Most women with infertility deal with other people getting pregnant and having to participate, be happy for them, do the shower deal ect... For me, its different, my husband is a convicted felon, I have secondary infertility and unless one of these miraculous situations happens to me, like a mother choosing me to raise her child and giving me her precious baby I can't adopt.

So it pains me so to see miracles happening to people who in my eyes, shouldn't be raising more children. I'm sorry, I'm truly not meaning to be judgemental. I am not saying I am perfect but in these two situations I have to say that the baby is not better off with these families that have them. There are better homes out there. But it doesn't work that way does it?

So, I've hurt, I've felt pain, not because I can't pregnant but because I want to be chosen.

The wonderful thing is that it isn't over yet. The Lord has great things planned for me, whether they include a child or not is irrelevant. I want His perfect will above all else. I truly do. In spite of my pain.

Father God I ask you to forgive me for questioning You, forgive me for judging these women if that is what I have done. Forgive me for thinking myself to be a better mother than they are. Forgive me for falling into this pit. I ask You Lord, if it be Your will, choose me.

Looking back it started with the pill bottle-strike one, was fueled by the African bag of clothes-strike two and set on fire by the phone call from my friend-strike three. And I was out, I fell and I fell into the Pit hard.

Three hard strikes, at first subtle and then hard blows. Satan, the master of deceit.

I share this because as always with this blog, it is my desire to be real, to share the greatness of God that I experience but also to share the struggle. It's been a while since I've struggled, but here it is.

My Father is there to pick me up, and He did, and He continues to carry me.

I've added a new song to my playlist, the words are below, this is what I am doing right now, and if I abide in Him long enough, the pain will dissipate.

Kari Jobe- The More I Seek You

The more I seek you,
The more I find you
The more I find you, the more I love you

I wanna sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath, feel your heart beat
This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming

Awesome Revelation Louie Giglio - Laminin

You have got to watch this!
God never ceases to amaze me, and you know what?
He never will!

Deliverance from 'Self'

Deliverance from 'Self'

By Frank and Ida Mae Hammond

During our twenty-five years of intense involvement in deliverance ministry we have seen people set free from every sort of bondage: addictions, lust, perversions, unforgiveness, rebellion, hurts, withdrawal, double-mindedness, mental illness, fears, rejection, passivity, doubt, spiritual hindrances, curses and on-and-on. However, we are persuaded that the foremost need for deliverance is deliverance from 'self'. In fact, all bondage is in one way or another an expression of self-bondage.

A person wrapped up in himself is absorbed in his own problems, circumstances, ambitions and feelings. His whole being is concerned with 'self'. Thereby, he disregards the first and greatest commandment: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment' Matt. 22:37.

The devil has a master plan to capture mankind. His plan is the same for every person - imprisonment in self. Self is the devil's chief ally and man's number one enemy. Self thwarts the believer from being a true disciple of Christ. Jesus declared: 'Whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple' Luke 14:33.

Self hinders our living up to our spiritual potential. By being all that we can be in Christ, we become a powerful influence for the Kingdom of God. The devil fears this, so he does all that he can to prevent us from reaching maturity and fulfilling our calling in Christ. The devil's objective is to get the believer so occupied with self that he loses his spiritual saltiness: his ability to influence whatever he contacts. 'Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out' Luke 14:34,35. Selfishness takes the saltiness out of Christians.

Consider the believer's great potential. The new birth has equipped him with powers of spiritual discernment. He can see the things of the spiritual realm. He can 'see the kingdom of God' John 3:3. In contrast, 'The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned' I Cor. 2:14. 'The god of this age [Satan] has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God' II Cor. 4:4.

The twelve disciples were slow to see their potential in Christ. When Jesus spoke spiritual truth they turned their eyes upon themselves; therefore, He said, 'Do you still not see or understand?...Do you have eyes but fail to see?' Mk.8:17, 18.

In addition to our power to see into the spiritual realm, Jesus further promised us, 'You will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses' Acts 1:8. Thus, Spirit-baptized believers have the potential to function in supernatural power. We are given power to heal sickness, cast out demons, speak in new tongues, interpret tongues, prophesy and perform miracles.

After Pentecost, the disciples ministered in the Holy Spirit's power: 'And by the hands of the apostles were many signs and wonders wrought among the people' Acts 5:12. However, some were defeated by selfishness. Ananias and Sapphira coveted and lied, and their lives and ministry ended. Simon, a converted sorcerer, coveted the Holy Spirit's power for personal gain and Peter rebuked him saying, 'You have no part or share in this ministry' Acts 8:21.

Each believer as a member of Christ's spiritual Body, the Church, is required to die to self in order to fulfill the purpose of the Head and function with other parts of the Body. The ministry of the Body is frustrated when members fall into Satan's 'self' trap: either thinking themselves inadequate or superior in comparison with others. (See: I Cor. 12:14-27).

Yes, every demonic problem entails a problem with self. For example: The person wounded by rejection becomes conscious of 'self' because self hurts. Until one becomes secure in God's love, and loves all others, even his enemies, he will remain in bondage to self. Lust is self-gratification and self-indulgence; rebellion isself-rule; guilt is self-accusation; fear is self-concern; resentment is self-vindication; witchcraft is self-advantage; pride is self-exaltation. Every demon that can be named has a synonym name with a 'self' prefix. Therefore, deliverance does not come solely from casting out demons: the self-thing that gives place to demons must also be removed.

Many Bible heroes initially had self-problems, and only after their self-problems were remedied were these men useful to God. Moses was bound by inferiority. He felt unqualified for the ministry to which the Lord called him. Gideon also felt inadequate. He considered himself the least person in all of Israel. David yielded to self-indulgence and committed adultery, but afterward became 'a man after God's own heart'. Isaiah exclaimed, 'Woe is me,! for I am undone; because I am a man of unclean lips'. He felt unworthy to be God's spokesman. Jonah was self-willed. He didn't want to do things God's way. Saul of Tarsus was a self-righteous Pharisee and a persecutor of Christians. But each of these men were delivered from self and greatly used of the Lord. This means that there is hope for each of us!

`They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.' Rev. 12:11

In Revelation 12:11, three spiritual weapons are named by which the Saints are to defeat the devil. First, believers in Jesus Christ can utilize the power inherent in His incorruptible blood. The blood becomes a weapon when we testify what the blood of Jesus has done for us through its justifying, sanctifying, redeeming and atoning power. The devil is put to flight when we remind him that we have taken refuge in the shed blood of Jesus.

The second weapon named is 'the word of their testimony'; namely, 'the testimony of Jesus Christ' Rev. 12:17. We wield the weapon of testimony when we declare who Jesus is: the sinless son of God Who left His throne in glory, became incarnate, was tempted in all ways and yet without sin, Who went to the cross and laid down His life for us sinners, rose from the dead, ascended to His throne at the right hand of the Father and is coming again in power and glory.

The believer's third weapon, death to self, seems a strange weapon indeed. 'And they loved not their own lives even unto death' Rev. 12:11. When understood, this is an especially powerful weapon yet sadly neglected. Jesus overcome the devil. The victory of the cross was assured in Gesthemane when He prayed, 'Father...not as I will, but as you will' Matt. 26:39. Jesus loved not his own life even unto death. He is our example. He showed us that we can defeat the devil with the same weapon. The devil has no advantage over a person who has died to self.

For understanding's sake, suppose that a person is delivered from all oppressing demons. What is left? Only his real self is left. What then must be done with the real self? It must be crucified: taken to the cross and put to death! Only as self dies can Christ come forth in us. Only through death to self can one experience full deliverance.

Satan knows that he is thwarted when a person dies to self in order to live for Christ. Therefore, the devil's strategy is to entice us to set our own agenda and follow selfish pursuits instead of a commitment to God's purposes. We see the devil's strategy very clearly at work in Scripture's two classic examples of temptation: the temptations of Eve and of Jesus. How did the Serpent tempt Eve? He tempted her to set aside God's command and gratify self. What three avenues of temptation did he employ? The same avenues that are stated in I John 2:16 - the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life.

'The woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food' - appealed to the lust of her flesh. 'And [was] pleasing to the eyes' - appealed to the lust of the eyes. 'And desirable for gaining wisdom' - touched pride. See: Genesis 3:6

The devil's three-pronged temptations of Jesus followed exactly the same pattern. (Matthew 4:1-11). He tempted Christ to turn stones into bread in order to gratify the lust of the flesh. He further tempted Jesus through the lust of the eyes by showing Him the kingdoms of the world and their glory and offering them to Him in exchange for His worship. The third temptation appealed to the pride of life: Jesus was urged to leap from the pinnacle of the temple, depending upon angels to catch him, thus making a public display that would draw men's acclaim.

Ever since Eden, Satan has continued to use the same three temptations to draw men and women out of their devotion to God and into self-idolatry.

If Jesus had yielded to any one of these temptations it would have disqualified Him from becoming our Savior. He would have sinned, having abandoned the Father's will in preference to fulfill His own desires. Throughout His earthly sojourn, Jesus spoke and acted only in accord with the Father's will. He never acted independently of the Heavenly Father. In His acceptance of the Cross, He declared, 'Not as I will, but as you will' Matt. 26:39. This is why Jesus could victoriously announce, 'The prince of this world is coming. He has no hold on me' John 14:30.

The Persons of the Godhead never act independently of One Another. Likewise, in order for us to have victory over the devil and his demons, we cannot act independently of God. This is why the Bible tells us in James 4:7, 'Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you'. Submission to God comes through the surrender of one's own will. Only through such surrender can one effectively resist the devil.

Goals for deliverance must go beyond casting out demons. We must identify the devil's schemes and shut the door against him. We must be determined in Christ to keep demons from coming back once they have been driven out. These goals cannot be achieved apart from victory over self. Uncrucified self gives demons an opportunity to take up residence in our lives.

Paul expressed the formula for victory in these words: 'I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me' Gal. 2:20.

To reiterate, every demon is a self-oriented spirit. Any demon, by whatever name described, either pulls down or puffs up the 'self'. When 'self' gets the attention, God is no longer central in one's life. This is why our greatest need for deliverance is deliverance from 'self'. For anyone expecting lasting victory over the devil and evil spirits, the self-life must be crucified and all self-related spirits evicted.

'Anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.' Matt. 10:39
COMMON 'SELF' SPIRITS

Self-pity, Self-accusation, Self-rejection, Self-condemnation, Self-will, Self-rule, Selfishness, Self-deception, Self-seduction, Self-delusion, Self-consciousness, Self-analysis, Self-evaluation, Self-concern, Self-indulgence, Self-gratification, Self-savior, Self-defeat, Self-reproach, Self-concern, Self-criticism, Self-vindication, Self-hatred, Self-flagellation, Self-exaltation, Self-promotion, Self-destruction, Self-reward

Taken from http://www.nemontel.net/~word1/deliverance_from_self.htm