Saturday, August 16, 2008

Yesterday it came again....

The red stain. I was so angry. I'm not happy about the anger I feel and I want the Lord to help me work my way through it. My emotions have been wreaking havoc on me lately and I long to have peace.

I called my Dr. and they had me come in for a blood test. I get the results next Friday. This will show if my eggs are healthy. I'm praying for a score of 2-4. This will mean I'll respond well to medicines. Too low and I won't. Too high and I'll have to have more tests. So if you are reading this could you send up a prayer that my score will be just right?

I felt so much better once I started. It was like my hormones all settled down again and my migraine went away and I began to hope again. I love hope. Hope keeps me from going down into the pits of despair where I begin to listen to thoughts that I will never conceive again. Hope says maybe next month, its coming, be patient and trust in the Lord.

I love this scripture:

Romans 4:18
Who against hope believed in hope

Listen to this.
Who against hope--when no ground for hope appeared.
believed in hope--that is, cherished the believing expectation.

Please understand this. Even as I pour out and share my total honest and sometimes brutal feelings and anger. I will never turn on my Lord. I love Him and no matter what He decides for my womb I will continue to love Him and serve Him and share Him. I will accept all things from Him, whether they be good or bad. I trust Him. I know He has a plan for me and I know He hears my cries. He knows my pain. He is my Father and He knows all things. I feel like He is purging me of many things during this time. I may rebel, I may not like it and it may take me time to accept it. BUT He is my all in all. Without Christ I have nothing.


Penless Thoughts said...

We all must eventually get to the place Job did. Where he cried, "Thou you slay me, yet will I trust you." That is what dying to self is and it's not an easy place to be.

beth ewing said...

amen to penless thoughts...and amen to your comments. alot of people have chastised me for being upset and frustrated at times but i think God is ok with us being upset at times. it's just important that we always get back to Him and give Him the glory no matter what.