Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Let's Start from the Beginning

I have three daughters and they are each five and a half years apart. No Planning. It just happened that way. Ever since I can remember I have wanted a housefull of children. My favorite T.V. shows were Little House on the Prairie, The Waltons and The Brady Bunch. Somehow I always knew I'd be The Little Old Woman Who Lived in the Shoe and had So Many Children She Didn't Know What to Do. I never dreamed that becoming with child would be so hard and difficult. I never dreamed that I would want children so badly and that each month would bring mourning over and over. Leading me to ask why......questioning if its something I've done. If I need to repent. Wondering what my future holds and why in the world My Father in Heaven who knows better than I what is best for me would close my womb. Has He, in fact, closed my womb? Is He saying no or is He saying Keep Trying, go further. Is it truly taking things out of His hands to search out medical help to conceive? We seek medical help for absolutely everything else. We've always said God expects us to have common sense and that He has given our Dr.s knowledge. We've never turned away medicine or medical advice. We vaccinate, get physicals, have surgeries and take medicines, so why, when it comes to conceiving a child am I suppose to do nothing and just trust in God to heal me? If I would not take the same approach if I found out I had cancer then why am I expected to take this approach now? The Bible says:

Ps 127:3
Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and
the fruit of the womb is his reward.
Ps 127:4
As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so
are children of the youth.
Ps 127:5
Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them:
they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak
with the enemies in the gate.

Am I so wrong to want a child so badly? One would say no, not for wanting a child but for obsessing over it. I'm going to be 37 next month. My youngest daughter is 7 years old. Seven years and no conception. Do you not understand how empty and hopeless that feels? The despair that rises up out of my deepest parts? The questions, what if? Do I dare to hope? Every month seems as a failure. I don't know how to view my infertility as far as God goes. Is it a curse? Is satan robbing my husband of his seed? His namesake? His bloodline? In the bible all men desired sons and I know even though my husband is sometimes afraid to share his deepest feelings for fear of causing me even more pain, he desires a son greatly. We have petitioned God for our sons and I am to the point that I feel as though I am begging Him. He knows my desires. How do I continue to pray? Why would God's will be different than my own concerning this? How could it be for me not to have more children? How do I know what to do? Do I keep the faith? Do I give up? The desire grows stronger. It has eased up some in the past but I feel more like that was from being tired of trying and that somewhere deep inside of me I felt like if I gave up it would happen and it didn't. That angers me.

I feel as though I must seek help. Some days I truly feel like God is closing every door except the medical field. I feel like He's leading me in that direction so that I can have more than one baby. I am pretty sure my husband isn't going to see it this way. I think he's afraid somewhat. Afraid of something being wrong with the baby, afraid of something happening to me, afraid that we would be taking matters out of God's hands and he's very concerned about the cost. The cost for us would be on the minimal side but minimal for us is high because we have nothing. But I know the clinic does do financing. There is hope there. This is what keeps playing through my mind.......

If I had a sickness and no insurance would money stop us from seeking all help to save my life? NO, we would do whatever it took. Would we be taking my life out of God's hands? No only God gives life and takes it away. No matter what medicine or what procedure only God could save me. We would be trusting Him to use medicines to do so. So how would we be taking this out of God's hands? No matter what procedure we do only God gives life. He would have to choose to bless my womb through intervention. We would just be taking the medicine and having procedures so to speak not forcing His hand. Life is life, is the life of my unconceived child worth any less than my own?

I just have to pray that my husband and I will be on the same page. That he can open his mind some and relax and let us just do this thing. There were a few years after my last daughter was born that he didn't want more children. I prayed, I cried, I begged and I pleaded with him. It was a hard time for our marriage. For me it was the hardest. For him somehow I think this is the hardest. I remember when the Lord finally changed his heart and I was so happy and so excited! I thought it was coming soon, that I had made it through the storm and the victory was near. Then a year rolled by, and then another, and then another, and now another. I have to stop myself from hating the time that was missed and waisted over us not being on the same page. I have 5 more years at the
most. Honestly, it sounds harsh but its reality. Yes I know Sarah had a baby somewhere near her 100's but I do NOT feel like I'm going to be a Sarah. I have five years. I want to be aggressive. I want to move forward with the medicines to help me ovulate. I want to consider IUI-Intrauterine Insemination if necessary. At first I didn't. I wanted to make sure that dh had no problems and that my tubes were open but now I want the Dr.s to help my body do what its suppose to do on its own. I want to know more. Are my eggs ok? Is my cervical fluid good quality? Are the sperm swimming in the right directions? Is it my hormones? One step at a time. I'm ready to take a step and try something we haven't tried.

This past month I have been so excited. I had a HSG-Hysterosalpingogram and my tubes were flushed with dye. The Dr. found nothing wrong with them and said there are signs that say the next three months will be more hopeful because they've been flushed out. I took clomid and although I wasn't monitored by the Dr. (because of expenses) I do believe I ovulated but my fluid wasn't good at all this month. I took a pregnancy test on Monday which was day 29 for me and it was negative. Today is day 31 and I still don't have my period but my face has been horridly broken out, I mean acne nodules on my neck-bleck-and everything. I feel like I'm getting ready to start but I'm also becoming hopeful again. I think sometimes that is the hardest part, the hope, I start to become excited just thinking that maybe, knowing there IS a chance and then boom, the red stain... again. The disappointment....again. I can say one thing, I am so glad we've had tests done and I know the problem is me. When I am weak I can tend to blame my precious husband, the man who loves me more than life and would do anything for me. Knowing the problem is with me helps me to deal with things somehow.

The other thing is looking around me. I have a friend who is pregnant with her fifth child and she stopped wanting more at her third. I also have a family member that was on drugs and lost custody of her own son more than once who has just had a newborn baby boy given to her. Who am I to question God? But boy do I question Him. What a slap in the face it is to me for her of all people to get the baby and not me? BUT then some would say I'm judging. Am I? I mean what about the baby? What if she falls off the wagon? Yes I do know He is in control and that He knows what is best and that maybe He is using the baby to help her but He's God! He has many many more children, there certainly isn't a shortage of souls. Why must I wait? If I could hear His voice whisper to me that it is coming for sure I'd be ok but the thoughts of it never happening sicken me. His will not my own, but why would He not want me to have a child? I sound so selfish. I know I am, I know all of these things these feelings of mine are NOT scriptural but I NEED to get it out. I suppress it, I hide it and it boils within me. I get so tired of smiling when I'm so distraught and upset. And there is no-one who understands, my husband tries but I just don't think he truly gets the depth of my pain. Others say, You have three!! How in this world could you want more?? I scream inside of myself, HOW IN THE WORLD COULD YOU NOT!!! Is my pain any less than someone who has no children? I don't know. But because I have three should that determine that I have no more? I don't think so.

Regardless, I will not choose to wallow in my pain, I will rise out of this despair in the name of Jesus. I will trust Him, I will be obedient and I will have peace. I already do some days. Today is just a day that I needed to pour it all out.

Forgive me Father, forgive me for my selfishness and covetness, my envy and anger, my rage and despair. Fill me with Your word and Your spirit. Strengthen me to carry my cross each day. Some days I do pretty good and others I never even get it off the ground. Help me to sing Your praises through my darkest times. I love you my Father, no matter what, I love you. Amen......


Jesus, My Best Friend said...

sometimes u really do just need to get it all out. i truly understand how you are feeling and i will bathe you in Prayer every time i Pray. God Bless!

Penless Thoughts said...

I can hear your pain. I am glad you have this avenue to put it down and get it out. He does have His plans and purposes for us.