A New Day

Praise God!

Yesterday was a terrible day. In ways I wish I didn't share all the bad and ugly but I think its important for me to see my struggle. I will be able to go back and see how my emotions have roller coastered and how my faith is being exercised and built. I'll also be able to see the choices that I've made. If I choose to allow God to help me and praise Him through the storms or if I choose to wallow in the pit. In hind site it can be pretty embarrassing. But thats ok, I'm going to learn from my mistakes.

Last night dh and I argued a lot. In the end I was able to see a lot of his struggle. What he hides. It's hard on him too. Somehow I just felt like it was harder on me because I'm the one who had *go* through everything.

No, I don't go through anything alone. My grief and my emotions are felt by everyone in my household, not just my husband but also my children. I've put them through a lot. Seems they are all incredibly worried about me. This makes me feel so ashamed and disappointed in myself, but I'm going to do my best to overcome my attitude and allow my God to shine through me. Its not over. Its a new day.

We made up and making up feels so good. I feel like we came to a place of unspoken understanding with one another. I felt like our hearts opened and our love actually connected. The past few months have felt like dh and I were more like room mates than husband and wife. I just praise God for taking an ugly situation and turning it completely around.

Then late last night my youngest daughter who is seven years old, told me she wasn't feeling well. Hmmm. I looked at her and she was very pale and peaked looking. I asked her what hurt and she said her tummy. I asked her if she was hungry, no. I asked her if she needed to go potty, no. She wanted to lay down. So I tucked her into bed with her daddy. About 5 minutes later she came down the hall to me. She said,"Mommy my heart is hurting."

Fear instantly struck me.

I placed my hand on her chest and her heart was beating HARD and FAST. She was very white and she said that hurt her to breathe in. Oh no. I took her to dh and woke him up. He felt her chest and it was beginning to slow down. He was so calm. He laid hands on her and started to pray for her. Then it was over. It was gone. She was better and just ready for bed. So I snuggled her up and prayed over her for a long time last night. I am so thankful, so grateful that she is better. God I love my children and I do not want to lose them.

This morning I called her pediatrician and she has an appointment on Monday. I'm sure they'll run lots of tests and monitor her. After this incident though I realized that my focus is too consumed on trying to conceive. I need to be focused on being the godly wife and mother I should be with trying to conceive a less priority. My life isn't stopping around me waiting for me to get it together, its going on without me. My husband told me that last night. It shook me to my core.

Praise God today is a new day!

This morning I woke up early. I remembered to take my temperature! Yay for me! The phone rang and I was expecting my hubby to call so I answered the phone quickly barely allowing it ring. It was my RE's office instead. My test results were in. Breathe deeply. I had not expected them call so early. I wish I could remember her name, she was so very nice to me. They had told me I needed a result between a 2 and a 4. My results were.......






a 2.4!

Whew!!! This is such good news! Relief flooded me. Then I went on to explain to this nice lady about my horrid emotional state. I'm wondering if some of the depth of it is coming from the clomid. She agrees it could be and that next month my Dr. had mentioned taking me off clomid and trying me on Femera. This was a relief too. I don't think I could handle another month of clomid right now. She asked me if I would like to come in for a sonogram to see if I had any follicles developing and told me that they could give me a shot to help me ovulate. We had hesitated on these options because of finances. I called dh and we agreed that the cost was low enough that we could try this a few times. So I scheduled my sonogram for next Tuesday.

I'm excited. I'm so excited. It just feels good to know we are going to be doing something different and that I am not going to continue with the clomid. If we are not successful in conceiving this month I'm probably going to take a month off to give my body a break. But we will see. I really think a month of not trying would be good to get my focus off of this and maybe the stress levels will drop.

I do have to say that today I feel good. I feel so good. I just praise God for a good day. I praise Him for the joy I feel. I thank Him for my precious children.

I praise God that today is a new day!