Time flies 2009 coming to an end

Lately I just feel like time is zooming past in fast forward motion, ya know? Saturday we visited my mother in law and my sister in law asked me keep little Aiden. Remember him? He is almost 5 months now and so far she has done really well with the little fella.

I brought him home with me. We have all enjoyed him being here. I've learned (well remembered) how to do things with him in my lap and on my hip. Today while we did our school he sat in my lap and just listened to me while I read our history out loud. I actually read him to sleep. How precious he was laid over on my arm and chest snoozing away.

We've had many precious moments over the past few days. Laughs out loud, peeing on Sky, cooing and smiles, birdy kisses, dirty diapers and lots of baby talk. I've been joyful and thankful for every moment.

I was so proud of myself.

Tonight while we were watching the Sopranos (dh got the whole series for Christmas) there was a song playing in the back ground, it said something to the effect of, " I don't know where I'll be tomorrow." It played over and over through a couple of scenes. Aiden laid in my lap just smiling and playing and all of a sudden I was sort of HIT with the thought of where he'd be tomorrow. Tears came out of no where. Where will he be? Here?? My sister in law's?? Where will he be when he is almost 2 and his real mother gets out of prison??? Where will he be after that???

I had to remind myself that those were worries and that I had to cast my cares upon the Lord. It wasn't easy, but I prayed for God to protect him and I let it go. By force really. Choice I should say. I made the decision to let it go.

This month I noticed I was ovulating by the discharge (what is a kinder word for that? ) (fluid?) ok, by the fluid I was passing. It was somewhat difficult because for the last couple of months I've not paid attention, again, choice here. I've not checked my calendar and I've not counted days. Honestly, I was *wanting* to have relations with dh BEFORE I realized I was ovulating. I really was. So, I just tried to ignore the ovulation awareness I had going on and move past it, nonchalantly, so to speak.

Fat chance! Don't you know that dh must have sensed something because he actually asked me if I was ovulating. Man that bugged me. Yes, I told him, I suspected that I was. He thought I was skeeming. Well, at least I think he thought I was skeeming and that peeved me.

I wasn't, I really wasn't.

Of course that just sort of made things unnatural and with all that we've been through I know dh doesn't want the stress, the emotions or the hassle of *trying* again.

Neither do I.

Let's just say it was a tough few days for me.

I wonder if baby Aiden triggered something for me? But then I think, na, my body was ovulating Aiden or no Aiden. Maybe it was the combination?

The thoughts that whirl around in my head, the what ifs.

The hope.

"What are you crazy?" Seems that way sometimes.

"You really don't want this." The trouble, the finances, the time, the loss of freedom.

"It really doesn't matter what I want does it?" Nope, because wanting doesn't mean getting.

"What will be will be."

Then I got tired and bound it all up and cast it aside. I remain content with what my Lord has in store for me, I just got thrown a curve ball.

Whew!!! I feel better now. Honestly I do. I don't like dealing with all that. It's much easier moving on.

I'm on the move.

How I'm Really Doing

It's been a while since I've spoken of my infertility and how I'm dealing with doing *nothing* in terms of procedures and infertility treatments.

I've gotten on with my life and I've sought the face of my Father like never before. Everyday I pray that He help me to die to my flesh. to my desire, that I may fulfill the plan that He has for me instead. I want what He wants no matter what. He is my master and I His servant and I love Him, oh how I love Him.

The last few weeks have been incredibly busy. My brother was in a horrid accident and I spent the week running, helping and praying for him. The following week was last minute preparations for the Christmas Play that I have helped with this year. I have to say that over the last couple of months I've jumped in head first with the youth at our church. If any of you knew me personally you'd know that this was a big step for me. Committing to something so big outside of my home isn't something I usually do. There were a few attacks but I prayed through and the Lord strengthened me giving me a spirit of might and I pressed on to the finish line.

Saturday I sewed costumes for 3 and 1/2 hours. I was amazed as I am not a very talented seamstress. As I worked it became obvious to me that it was not *I* who was working but the Holy Spirit working through me. I was doing some amazing things that I knew I didn't know how to do. As this revelation hit me I began to pray in the spirit as I sewed. As I prayed the Lord spoke to me, ever so softly, ever so gently, about my womb and my desire for children. As He spoke the tears streamed down my face.

What a glorious feeling, what a wonderful, unexplainable experience.

The Lord told me that He had plans for me. Plans that He couldn't totally reveal just yet but that I was on the right track. He is going to give me children. He is actually in the process, as I sewed and worked with these youth, of doing just that. He showed me faces of those that I would help and minister to and He told me it was much much larger than what I was seeing. He allowed me to see myself, the kind of wife and mother I am, and a picture of my life from the outside looking in.

It was at this moment that I realized if my womb were opened my work at church would be done for another season. With a babe in my womb my ministry would change as I would have to revert back to my home in the way I knew the Lord would want me to. There is no way that I could be in the ministry with these youth AND be the kind of mother I need to be to a baby. I pour my all into my family, as I should. It's biblical to put the Lord first, your family second and then the ministry.

Instead of blessing me with one child to raise He is going to give me many children to share the love of Christ with now.

Today at the Christmas Play some of what the Lord had spoken to me began to unfold. At the beginning of the play as the children walked into the sanctuary there was a little girl in tears, too afraid to walk alone, who needed me to carry her. With her on my hip I seen a little boy fighting with two other boys and they were holding up the line. I had that little boy come and hold my other hand. As I marched onto that stage, I was not alone, but in fact *with* two children. I cannot explain the peace that I felt.

Towards the end of the play there was a different little girl who began to cry, I squatted down to see what was wrong. She needed to be held. I sat down on the stage as I cradled this precious little girl and then here came another. I held one and wrapped my left arm around the other little girl and then here came the little boy who was fighting earlier. We bowed our heads and prayed. My quiver was full. These children were bonding with me in a way that I had not seen or realized before. They call me by name. They feel safe in my arms.

Some of the children in our church are bused in. Their parents aren't serving the Lord, some are very poor, some are on drugs and there are some who are abusing their children. There are several sets of parents in our church who have adopted some of these children. They haven't had to go through typical adoption agencies because some of these children's parents have just chosen to give them up. There are two families that come to mind right off, but there are many more, two of the children are older now and are living testimonies of God's healing power. Three others are just 3, 4, and 5 years old and are having extreme behavioral problems from the horrid abuse that they have suffered from their biological home, I praise God that they've been adopted to a safe Christian home and that they are members at our church. The Lord has called me to intercess and stand in the gap for them because He has a call on their lives.

I'm not saying that I believe I'll never have another child naturally. I'm saying that I have peace with whatever the Lord has planned for my womb because I know I am doing what He has called me to do. I know that no matter what happens the Lord fully intends to surround me with children who need Him. I truly want His will to be done. His dreams for me are bigger than any dream I've ever had for myself. It's not about ME, it's all about HIM. And I can't wait to experience all that He has in store for me!

Shalom

Our New Homeschool Blog

Kingdom Academy is up and running. Please stop by and see the new design!

How is everyone?

Not any change here. I've updated *life* so to speak at Jenileigh's Journey but as far as infertility goes we've placed it in God's hands completely for now. So.... its kind of boring with no procedures and no information to blog about. I just wanted to check in and let you all know I'm still here. I'm still reading. I'm still praying.

Big hugs!

Are You Ready for Thanksgiving?

I am! I am so excited! We will be having a three day celebration! On Thanksgiving day we are celebrating at my mom and dad's, Friday will be at my oldest daughter's fiance's house, and Saturday will be at my mother in law's. I love this time of year! And the best part is that I don't have to cook! :) Although I will probably cook a turkey and small thanksgiving related feast a week or so later. It's one of our favorite meals! I love turkey, dressing, gravy and sweet potatoes with brown sugar, butter and toasted marshmallows. I always put my gravy over my marshmallows. Most people think that is gross but oh my!! MMMmmmm it's delicious! :)

I have been checking in on everyone and continuing to pray. I posted a good post over on Jenileigh's Journey about trusting in the Lord and His plan,even when it makes NO sense to us.

And...I have a new blog up about our homeschooling journey that you can check out at Kingdom Academy. I have someone working on a new blog design for me now and I can't wait to see it!

Much love!
~Jenileigh

I started on Monday

and I didn't even cry or have a smidgen of regret but boy has it been heavy. I've felt like dookie. Fur real! :) I'm staying busy, schooling our hearts away, cooking, cleaning, painting, church plays, shopping...hardly time to think straight. Tonight it felt so good just to listen to the quiet...well the quiet with the hamster running in her cage...it's almost 2 and that's gonna kill me in the morning!

If any of you have ever considered homeschooling you have just got to check out My Father's World take the time to read about them and their incredible ministry of translating the bible into other languages. What a great cause to support. Their curricula is life changing too. God is so good.

I'm still checking on and praying for all of you!!

I've Been So Good

You know ever since I've made the decision to move on life has just been lighter. I'm smiling and living and thinking about things other than taking my temps and knowing what day it is. I didn't think it would be this easy to move on, but I'm glad it has. It feels like its been a lifetime but in reality its only been 2 weeks. I've been seeking the Lord and asking Him to guide my steps and reveal some of His plan for me. I'm finally to this place where I'm ready for anything. I want His will in my life and not my desires. It has been a prayer of mine for some time and I'm happy to have arrived.

One thing the Lord has been dealing with me on is reading my bible. I read a lot of books, study books by others who have read the word and what they have gleaned from it, daily verses and studies that way but not just opening the word of God and spending that quality time in it you know?

So....the night before last, the house was all settled, much as it is tonight. Everyone sleeping and me, up, not sleepy, and enjoying the temporary silence. So I decided to read the bible. Strangely enough my bible was missing from my bedside. I have several, I keep one in my bible book bag, two by my bed (a KJV and the message) and more in my living room. Well the two I usually kept by my bedside were no where to be found, so I go into my living room to choose one from the shelf. I come across a bible I use to love, one that has commentary from Max Lucado. I bring it back to bed and I pray, asking the Lord to lead me in where to read. I allowed the bible to fall open and I began to read....

I couldn't believe my eyes, what? You've got to be kidding me right? No, I'm afraid not...

I was on the first page of Samuel.

Now you've got to understand something, over the last 5 years I have been in many different churches and services where Hannah was preached. I've been in services where it was spoken over the congregation that any women in the house struggling to conceive would conceive, DO NOT DOUBT, it is coming. I have read Samuel many times, 1st and 2nd. I even went through a period of time that I thought I would actually name my son (if I ever had one) Samuel because it means that I asked God for him. So it was incredibly ironic to me that on this night of all nights, in this time of all times that I would open my bible to this particular scripture.

I began to pray, and I asked God, "What in the world are You trying to tell me Lord?" I laughed out loud. I then spoke to myself and I told myself I said, "Jen, you are in a good place, you are feeling joy and your family is loving having you home, you are NOT going to allow yourself to return and go back down this road. Your Father loves you and would never tempt you, mock you or hurt you, He only wants what is best for you and He is trying to tell you something, so read and don't think too much."

Well that isn't so easy to do but I began reading.

Twice in the first part, the thing that caught my attention was, "The Lord had closed her womb." Twice, I read that.

"Yes Lord, I see, You have closed my womb. Satan isn't robbing me, You are the giver of life and death and You have chosen to close my womb." Wow, I had peace with that. I was actually glad to realize that it truly was the Lord and not the deceiver. I don't have to fight this battle any longer.

I kept reading. The commentary was about not giving up on your prayers. Persistence, persuing continually, no matter how long it takes, pressing in. "God are you wanting me to stay steadfast in this prayer?" I'm not so sure. I didn't feel strongly one way or the other so, I kept reading.

I get to the part where the Lord speaks to Samuel and Samuel not recognizing the voice of God goes to Eli and asked what he wanted. Eli replied, I did not call you. The Lord speaks to Samuel a second time, and Samuel again thinking that Eli had called him rose and asked Eli what he wanted. Again Eli replied, I did not call you. The Lord speaks to Samuel a third time and again Samuel thinks its Eli and again Eli tells Samuel he has not called for him. Eli realizes at this time that it is God who is calling Samuel and he instructs Samuel to reply to the voice of God, "Speak Lord, for Your servant hears."

The Lord gave Samuel some prophecy for Eli about his sons because Eli's sons were vile and Eli had not properly restrained them. Samuel did not want to give the prophecy to Eli because it was so bad. The Lord said their sin could not be atoned for. Eli told Samuel not to hide anything from him or more would come upon him. So Samuel told Eli.

I stopped here and I began to think and pray. I really felt strongly in my spirit that the Lord was trying to speak to me. Much in the same way that He was Samuel, and I like Samuel am not recognizing Him.

So friends, I'm asking you to help me pray. Pray that I will hear and recognize what it is the Lord is trying to tell me. Ask the Lord to reveal it to me, to open my heart, my eyes and my ears that I will not miss it or be turned aside or confused.

I'm excited. Not because I believe its about having a child, but because the Lord is trying to show me something and I want to please Him. I want to be used of Him. I long to please Him. Asking for nothing other than His will for my life.

Speak Lord for your servant hears!

Checking In

I wanted you all to know I'm reading your blogs, I just haven't had the time to comment them all. I am praying hard that the Lord open and bless your wombs this month! Hugs friends.

I just want everyone to know I'm ok

I'm happy to announce that in addition to Beth discovering she has conceived, Carrie and Sarah have also conceived and I want all of you to know that I am rejoicing for each one of you! This is big news! Three of my bloggy friends in one month! Hallelujah!

I am in prayer for Alesha and Elaine. I'm praying this is both of your months!!! I pray that the Lord open your wombs and bless you both with many children!

Things at home are changing again for me. This year we had put Sky and Meadow in Christian school to give me a break so that I could focus on the process of trying to conceive. I just felt my moods were so unpredictable that it would be best for everyone. This month though things just weren't working out at the Christian School. They have placed Meadow in the wrong grade and she is bored stiff and Sky was having problems with bullies among other things. The Pastor stepped and took care of the situation, he done a fabulous job, I could not have asked for the situations to have been taken care of any better than what he did. Even though, after we met with the Pastor and other parents of some of the other kids, Tony and I have decided that it is just not the right thing for our girls at this time.

So....I am homeschooling them again. Meadow is back in second grade and loving her learning once again and Sky is simply so relieved to not have to deal with all the drama any longer.

You'll be able to find me at Jenileigh's Journey, if I am scarce around here. I'll check in on you gals each week but not daily as I was doing before this week. My prayers for you will continue to go up DAILY though. I love you all very much and I appreciate each one of you being here for me more than you'll ever know. I'm not leaving just sort of moving on for now, you know?

Yesterdays sermon was on changing seasons. I'm not ready to change. I don't want to give up on having another child, but if this isn't the plans of my Father then who I am to question and fight this. If He chooses to bless me with a child He'll just have to surprise me! :)

I am going to try to begin a new journey for myself. One that doesn't include the thoughts of "What if I get pregnant." I've not even taken ibuprofen for pain or headaches because I had read it could prevent conception. I'm just tired of being controlled by it. I'm going on a diet. I am exercising. I am going to do something for myself. I've lost me somewhere along the way and I need to find who I am aside from just being a mom and desiring to mother more children.

I'm teaching 8 & 9 year olds on Wednesday nights at church and I have been asked to help with Children's Church on Sundays, I'm stepping out to busy myself with the works of the Lord. I've spent the last 5 years plus just running in place.

So, I'm not leaving! I love you all! I'm just moving on, and I hope to see you all over at Jenileigh's Journey!!

May God open the heaven's and pour out life into your wombs!!!

Day 29

Last month when the red stain showed I found myself naked on my knees in the shower with scalding hot water pouring on my back, in the dark, while I cried out to God with moans that came from the depths of my soul.

Pain.

Sometimes its so hard to bear.

The door opened and closed, I heard the shower curtain pull back, and my husband stepped in and slid down in the floor, into my darkness with me.

He wanted me to know I wasn't alone.

My oldest daughter is getting married in May.

My middle daughter is turning 13 in December.

My youngest daughter is 7.

I turned 37 last month.

This week my husband, Tony, asked me to wait until today to do a pregnancy test and he asked that we do it together. I don't know why that makes it harder but it does. It's sort of something I've always done alone. Sometimes it feels better to be alone so that you can deal with pain.

I peed in the cup and dipped the test in for 20 seconds. This month I purchased the digital kind that simply reads, "Pregnant or Not Pregnant." No games, no lines, no guessing.

As we laid together in the bed that I had climbed back into surrounding myself with mounds of comfort in my blankets, he asked me if we could pray. Yes, I told him, we can pray. He laid the test aside and He asked the Lord to hear our cry, to answer our prayer.

It touched my heart.

This month was a faith month for me. I've spoken life over my womb almost everyday. Here is a copy of a post that I saved in a draft on day 20.

I just have to confess this, I feel pregnant. I can't explain it but my stomach is feeling anything but normal. I know I'm over analyzing every feeling I'm having but I just had to say it! I feel pregnant!

As I laid in bed listening to my husband cry out to God for us, deep inside, I knew the answer already. I knew it yesterday when I purchased the test. I knew it was pointless but I had to carry on through the motions.

He lifted the test and we read.

Not Pregnant.

Our finances are drained. We aren't going forward with another month. I would if I had the money. I would go to the ends of the earth, no matter what the procedure and no matter what the cost if I could. We just don't have the sources. I will spend the next year or better paying for the treatments we have already had.

I know in my head all I have to be thankful for. But in the moments of despair I do feel as though God hates me.

I read that.

I read it again and I know how untrue it is. I know nothing could be further from the truth. I know His love for me is so great that He sent His Son to die on that old rugged cross to save my soul.

I have prayed for His will to be done and no matter what that is I have to be willing to accept it and move on.

I am most positive in the tomorrows to come I will find joy.

Meadow just came up behind me, clueless as to what I am going through, put her little arms around me, and said,

"Mommy?"

Yes Meadow.

"I love you."

I love you too Meadow.

Those are the sweetest words and I praise God that I get to hear them.

Today, I will have to go through the motions.

I need to focus so that I can Breathe.

Just breathe.

edited to add~
Have you seen this? You'll need to scroll to the bottom of my page and stop my playlist before watching.

Day 25

I thought I was one day ahead. I really have nothing to report. Honestly after having that horrid yeast infection and that deadly virus I can't tell what is normal or what isn't in my body. So today, my body is just recuperating. It'll be Friday, I'm sure, before I know anything. I just wanted to stop by and say hello!

So, Hello!

Day 22

I called my RE and was told it probably is a yeast infection. I started Monistat and do have relief, praise God!

Someone asked me if I were on progesterone. My RE didn't prescribe it, for some reason my nurse told me that they didn't prescribe it unless you were on injectables. From my reading on the subject I do believe it would benefit me and I did try to get them to prescribe it for me and when they wouldn't I ordered a tube from Nature's Sunshine and I've been using that. It's all natural progesterone. I don't believe the yeast infection is a result of that because you don't start the progesterone until 2 days after ovulation, and for me that was two days after my IUI and the symptoms of the yeast infection were already present Saturday and Sunday before beginning the progesterone. Thank-you for the suggestion though, I didn't know that these could be side effects from progesterone and the more awareness we have the better. This is why I post every symptom, side effect, treatment and gory detail here. :)

My RE also said that because I had a smaller follicle there was a possibility that it had turned into a cyst and this could result in strong pulling in my ovary. Thankfully the pulling has ceased and prayerfully there is no cyst.

Yesterday at 6 a.m. I woke up with the absolute worst stomach ache (in the top of my stomach) that I have ever had in my entire life. I had some kind of horrid virus, and spent the day aching in bed and running trips to the bathroom with diarrhea and vomiting. I didn't have a fever but I broke a sweat every time I had to go to the bathroom. It didn't ease until late last night and I'm grateful its over. I wouldn't wish this stuff on anyone.

I want to thank each of you for your comments, they mean more to me than you could know. Just knowing you aren't alone eases the journey for me so much.

Hopefully only 5 more days to wait, if we decide to do injectables I have to order them on day 27 to make sure they are here by day 28. I'm still undecided if we are going to use them or not though.

Keep praying for a positive test!!!!!!!!

Day 20

I just have to confess this, I feel pregnant. I can't explain it but my stomach is feeling anything but normal. I know I'm over analyzing every feeling I'm having but I just had to say it! I feel pregnant!

Day 19

I was trying so very hard not to update until the first week was down, which isn't until this Friday....but I check here almost everyday and its hard not to post!

I'm doing so so. Emotionally I'm fine, but my body feels weird. I have had a crampy/achy sort of feeling, like a pulling on my left side almost constantly since my IUI. It's not over bearing or anything just present, sometimes it feels like its gently throbbing, if there is such a thang. Sometimes I feel it on my right side too, but mostly its on my left. Today was really only day 5 after my IUI so from what I'm reading this is common.

The other thing, (and this is getting really personal so if you don't want to read about something gross quit reading here!!!) I've had an irritation *down there* since the procedure. At first I just thought I was just a little sore, but then I started burning lightly, and I was very red and sensitive, I thought it was normal but here 5 days later, I have a slight discharge (no smell) its milky, (I know, wayyy TMI) and I'm very raw inside and out of me, very itchy, and I have a hard time wiping myself because I'm so raw.

From my experience with things like this, and I have very little let me inform you, I think its a yeast infection but I'm not comfortable using something that I have to put inside of me, I mean, especially if I were pregnant, you know? I should have called my RE today but I dread the call, so I pushed it off thinking it would just get better but tonight I realize, ummmm that ain't happening. So tomorrow I'm going to call them and see what they say.

If you all want to share your experiences please feel free to talk with me in my comment section. Right now I need someone who's been there! Ya know?

I still have 9 more days and it feels like years away and yet at the same time I want it to take its time. Sometimes hoping you are is better than knowing you aren't. Of course I'm having faith that I am right now!! I'm praying it's my Father's will. Lord let it be so.

So...come on ladies, don't leave me hanging, what's going on with me?

I'm home

Whew, its over. Today the office was very busy. I have never been in there when it was that active. It was also the first time I've ever seen other hubbys in too. We had to wait forever. Dh and I had decided to collect the specimen there in the office. We just had to much fear that something would happen to stop us from getting it there on time if had to travel it there. That is the worst part I do believe and dh and I both agree that if there has to be a next time, it won't be in the office.

I was very anxious/nervous whatever the right word would be. The anticipation is the worse part, plus not knowing what is going to happen or how. I had this fear trying to creep in that dh's specimen would not be good or that they would have an accident with it and kill em all. Having to wait so long didn't help this at all. Dh was calm, he spent the day soothing and encouraging me. He was so handsome with his big ole smile.

When they finally took me back, (I was glad that dh decided to stay and go with me) I was so afraid it was going to hurt or that she would have trouble getting through my cervix and would damage and scar me somehow. Can we say, "Crazy Thoughts!" The speculum was the worst part and she had to situate it a couple of times. This was VERY uncomfortable. The catheter didn't go through the *curve* of my cervix the first time so she had to remove it and bend the end. The second time she got it to go through with no trouble. I had some very minor cramping. I was just relieved it didn't hurt worse than it did.

Dh and I felt very good when we left the office. When I took him back to his truck and we said our goodbyes, I said, "I love you" and he said,"I love you too, or should I say I love ya'll." How sweet was that? So for the next 14 days we are speaking life into my womb in the name of Jesus!

I'll be checking in soon. Thank-you for all of your prayers! I'm looking forward to saying the sweetest words *I'm pregnant!* very very soon!

Late Thursday Night

I wasn't going to post anything, I went to bed earlier and fell asleep hard and then woke up. I couldn't go back to sleep so I came here. I've been incredibly...what is the word? I don't want to say nervous because I'm not shaky or anything, but I'm sort of anxious maybe? Excited too.

I took my shot last night, easy peasy. I know this sounds weird but I actually enjoy that part. (It must come from my childhood dream of becoming a nurse, ya think?) I have had some incredibly intense ovulation cramps on my left side and vaguely on my right. They were deep and went down into my leg. When standing I felt like it was pulling so I was much more comfortable lying down.

Today I began to pass the beginning stages of the stretchy cervical mucous. I was so glad because because the Clomid took this away. Tomorrow should be THE day of ovulation. I'm pretty sure from all the signs that are there, I'm lightly ill and have a slight headache. I'm always a grouch when I'm ovulating. I really like the Femara, alot. Soooo much better than the Clomid.

Oh and my birthday is coming up. I'll be 37 on Sunday. No special plans this week with the Dr.s appointment tomorrow and dh having to take 1/2 a day of work off to be with me. We are planning to celebrate next weekend. I want him to take me to see the new Richard Gere and Diane Lane movie called, "Nights in Rodanthe."

My girlfriend Kimmie wants to take me to the movies on Sunday, for a girls day out, to see, "The Women" with Meg Ryan among many other stars. I watched the trailer for it today and I'm looking forward to it. It looks really funny and I need to laugh!

Well, I guess I'll update tomorrow after the procedure. I'm praying it goes well with little to no pain and no bleeding, and that dh has a good healthy count, great motility and morphology. I covet your prayers!!

Cycle 3, Day 12

I went in today for my sonogram. I had one mature follicle measuring 18mm by one side and 20mm by the other. She said they measure it from 3 different views. I had no clue. This follicle was, like last month, from the left ovary. I was always under the impression that you ovulated from the right one month and the left the next. My right ovary doesn't really seem to be responding to any of the medicines that we have tried. I did have another follicle that measured somewhere around 12mm on the left side but she didn't seem to think it would amount to anything.

I asked her about giving me the prometrium this cycle but she said she didn't think it was warranted because I didn't have enough follicles. So I picked up my shot of Ovidrel and I have to take it tonight at 11:00pm.

We go in Friday at 10:30am for our first IUI. I'm a little nervous about the whole thing. I just never in my life dreamed that I would be experiencing the things we are going through or doing the things we are doing to have a child. I am very thankful that we have been able to do these treatments though. Even if I don't conceive I'll know we done all we could. I won't have any regrets.

So I guess the future plan, if this cycle isn't successful, is to move on to Bravelle. At this point we are still on go for it. The nurse I seen today (Paula must have been off) was Carolyn, and she really encouraged me to go forth with the Bravelle and she helped me feel more calm and less fearful about the decision. She seemed to believe that my body would respond much better to Bravelle than it has to Clomid and Femera.

Of course if cycle 4 isn't successful we are taking a break.

Thank-you for your prayers. I am full of hope and excitement.

(edited to add this definition of IUI, that I copied from Beth's blog, I linked her in the post below. I needed this here so that I could refer back to it.)

IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) is commonly refered to as artificial insemination. Here is the definition I found on WebMD...

Intrauterine insemination (IUI) is the placing of sperm into a woman's uterus when she is ovulating. This is achieved with a thin flexible tube (catheter) that is passed into the vagina, through the cervix, and into the uterus.
IUI can use sperm from the male partner or a donor. It is often combined with superovulation medication to increase the number of available eggs.

My Blogger Friend has Conceived!!!

I just want to praise God that Beth at Not Patiently Waiting on #2 just found out that her treatments worked and she is carrying her second child! What wonderful, blessed news! Hallelujah!

I just have to say, I'm so excited! I go in the morning for my sonogram, so please keep me in your prayers. I'll be back to let you know how it goes.

Wooohoooo!!!!

Great Post on Infertility

I came across this just now as I was hunting and searching for other infertility blogs and it hit home probably harder than any other post I've read in a long long while. Read it here at All You Who Hope. It's called Infertility Myth Busting and its good stuff.

And here is some scripture I found at another blog. I do believe its the first time I've read this but not completely sure...

Psalms 113

1Praise the Lord!
Praise, O servants of the Lord,
praise the name of the Lord!

2 Blessed be the name of the Lord from this time forth and forevermore!

3 From the rising of the sun to its setting,
the name of the Lord is to be praised!

4 The Lord is high above all nations,
and his glory above the heavens!

5 Who is like the Lord our God,
who is seated on high,

6 who looks far down
on the heavens and the earth?

7 He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap,

8 to make them sit with princes,
with the princes of his people.

9 He gives the barren woman a home,
making her the joyous mother of children.

Praise the Lord!

Updated to say that I have read this Psalms before and it was on my friends Alesha's blog, On the Outside Looking In.

I'm good

and I'm glad. I was so not good on days 28, 29 and 30 but today I have felt refreshed and energized. I've thought a lot about how wanting another child has been such a huge focus for me and how I don't like who I become each month. I've spent a lot of time looking at the three daughters that I do have and thanking and praising God for them. I've spent a lot of time wondering if I really want another child that badly IF it isn't God's will. Up until this point inside I believe I've wanted a child no matter what God's will for me is and that can be dangerous. So I'm praying for the Lord to help align me in His will and asking Him to strengthen me and lead me in this.

Ok, yesterday I went and took the class to learn how to give myself the injectables. Easy enough. My nurse Paula (did I say I LOVE her?) encouraged me to try a cycle of Femara this month, starting last night since it was day 3 for me. I go back in on the 24th for the sonogram to see if there are any follicles. Then of course I'll proceed with the Ovidrel. I'm going to ask about taking the progesterone like they give you when you take injectables and will probably do one IUI this month if all else lines up as it is suppose to.

If that doesn't work then we are praying about the injectables. I will use Bravelle if we go forth with it. I've been doing a lot of reading and that can be scary. I wouldn't mind twins at all, but triplets or more concerns me. Of course I would want them but can I truly care for them?

And then there is always the chance that injectable won't work at all. That would be devasting. Because at the end of that cycle I would have to wait a long while before being able to afford another cycle. We'll spend a lot to time paying off this bill.

So for now that is where I stand.

Can I say that it feels good to feel good? I wish I could feel this good throughout my entire cycle each month.

Thank-you all for the kind comments. They really blessed my heart. I'd gotten really lonely here the last week or so when my emotions were up in the air, I didn't realize how much I'd come to depend on your support in such a short time. Thank-you. A few words go a long way. :)

The waiting is over

It came today.

The red stain.

Day 29

The days seem to drag along. My thoughts are being haunted by whispers of "This is never going to happen for you." I'm casting them down in the name of Jesus but crying all the while.

I'm not emotional. Even though I cry it isn't an emotional cry, its anger, its frustration. I just want to be able to conceive.

I watched Baby Mama tonight. It was ok. Not what I thought it would be.

The waiting is so monotonous. I feel so alone, even here in blogoshere, I feel alone.

I have one pregnancy test left. I've entertained the thought of taking it and just getting it over with but I'm crampy and showing so many signs of the stain coming that I'm trying to get myself to save it for better times, not to mention I need to save the $$.

I have until Thursday to wait, at the latest that is. I have had several 34 day cycles this year. So.... 5 or 6 more days or less. Who knows??

Day 28

Here I am.

Waiting.

I can say I really think I'm getting ready to see the red stain. I have all the classic signs including the cramping. Oh and my temperature dropped below my coverline on day 24 and this morning day 28. I had read online that one drop a few days well before your stain is due is a good sign and can be a sign of implantation. I was really excited. BUT when it dropped below my coverline again today, I pretty much know its a sign of my stain. I think the biggest thing keeping me from sinking is knowing our plan for next month or the month after. However my cycle falls.

I spoke with my nurse at my RE's office today and if I see the red stain tomorrow, Saturday or Sunday we are going to forego any treatment this month.

IF it holds off until Monday we are going to be aggressive this cycle.

If not I will begin treatment again NEXT month.

(If indeed I am not with child now.)

I have an appointment on Monday either way to go in for a session to learn how to give myself injectables. I'm not sure which one they will use for me yet, I believe they will do another test to determine this.

Basically I'll do either Clomid or Femera. I'm undecided on which one to use The draw back being the emotions I experienced the first two months on it. The clomid did work well for me and my lining was nice and thick. I do sort of have a question looming in the back of mind wondering if the Femera works as good as the Clomid. I would appreciate any opinions you may have about these two.

Then I would do injectables along with the Ovidrel shot after finding the mature follicles, oral progesterone and finally one IUI. I inquired about 2 IUI's but she says that in their office they only recommend one because they use to do 2 and didn't see a higher conception rate with 2.

This aggressive cycle will probably drain us financially as low as we can allow ourselves to go for now. So if it isn't successful I will give my body several months off and wait for tax time while praying dh can sell his motorcycle.

Well, that's about it for now.

Day 26

I was watching "My Sassy Girl" the other day. It was definitely my kind of movie. I love sappy corny love stories even though this one really aggravated me until the ending. It's one that I will watch again and again.

There were a couple of lines in the movie that spoke to me.

"To search for him would be like trying to shape and mold destiny."

This line opened me up was because these were my very own thoughts when I first sought out an RE. Was I trying to shape and mold destiny or to move the hand of God? It is the very reason that it took me the last 7 years to seek help.

The next line:

"Just suppose that the shaping and molding of destiny is YOUR destiny."

That is the conclusion that I came to. Maybe I was suppose to shape and mold.

The next line:

"Destiny is the bridge you build to the one you love."

I'm building a bridge to my unborn child.

The last line:

"I wish you a story with a happy ending and the wisdom to look for it."

We all have a hand in shaping and molding our destinies. Even had I never visited my RE I would have still been shaping and molding.

I know that it doesn't matter how many doctors or procedures I have it is the Lord who creates life and opens the womb. I also know we have choices. If I had chosen to have never sought out help I may have never had another child, I still may not. But then I would have never known and I would have always questioned, "What if??" and lived with regrets.

This way I know that I worked on my bridge and in the end it will be God's will and not my own. I'm just waiting to find out what that is.

The wisdom part comes in being happy regardless of the outcome.

(Oh and if you are reading, please comment me...I'm getting a little lonely here. Thanks)

Day 22

I'm hanging in there. This has been a super busy week so that has helped me a lot. Remember the little baby boy that was given to my sil to raise because his mommy is in jail? Well he stayed with me this week, all week, Monday through today. I have had so little sleep I'm pretty much exhausted but its a wonderful exhaustion. Each day I would just pray over him and pray in the spirit while holding him. I just pray that God intervene in a mighty way for this little guy.

I prayed for my sil too. She worried me a tad Wednesday. She was suppose to have picked him up around 5 or so and she never showed up. Her son was at home, he's 14 and he was so worried. He called me around 8 to see if she had been here yet. She finally went home around 1:00 am and never showed to pick up Aiden. I had no problem with him staying with me but it did worry me that she's slipping and what will happen to him if she does. When I talked to her on Thursday I just encouraged her and thanked her for leaving him with me while she was out. I told her if she needed to take that time to please not take the baby with her. I would be here to keep him anytime.

It was hard letting him go today. I have to prepare myself. A few years ago I would have been so upset, crying and pitching a fit but today I told myself that as of now he is where the Lord has placed him and that unless the Lord Himself moves Him here it's something I have no control over and I can't allow a situation that I have no control over to control me. So I let him go knowing I'll get to keep him again next week and trusting that it won't be long before I have a babe of my own.

I went to Walmart and bought the cutest swing. It's a Fisher-Price Rainforest Table Top Swing. After holding Aiden for the first three days my shoulders were burning and I needed somewhere to lay him that he could be in the same room that I was. This worked out perfectly. Here is a picture of the swing. I put it together with my middle daughter Sky, it was pretty easy. It folds up for travel, it plays 7 songs and has 5 different swing speeds.



As far as the waiting I think days 27-32 will be the hardest. I'm just trying really hard not to think too much about it. I have a gentle peace right now and I'm very thankful for that. I do hope this cycle is the one because I don't know how our funds are going to hold out. With winter coming on my husband's hours will be cut back and that will definitely put a crunch on us. If this isn't the month then I'm going to talk with my RE about doing a really agressive month and then taking a few months off.

Here is a picture of Aiden.



Smelling him and hearing his little squeeky noises really brings that desire to have a baby, a little boy baby, out in me. I was very thankful to the Lord for allowing me those precious moments with him.

Welp, until next time. God bless! I am praying that this month will be the month for all of us. ;)

Day 19

almost 20. All is still well here on the home front. I did have some serious pulling on my left side the 4th and 5th day after the Ovidrel shot. I'm assuming this was perfectly normal and a sign that it was doing what it was suppose to do. I'm trying to stay busy and not dwell too much wondering what is coming and just have peace with today. No jitters so I'm faring better than the past two cycles and I truly want to thank the Lord for that. I know that this alone is answered prayer. I really didn't think I could continue with our plans with the emotional roller coaster I was on.

Ec 3:11
He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he
hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find
out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the
end.

Isa 52:7
How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him
that bringeth good tidings, that publisheth peace; that
bringeth good tidings of good, that publisheth salvation;
that saith unto Zion, Thy God reigneth!

Just Hanging In There

The waiting has begun. I want to come here and post and then I go, um...well there is nothing new to post. The next two weeks or so will be just waiting. I actually enjoyed going to the RE and having the sonogram and giving myself the shot this month. It felt satisfying because I was actually getting to DO something. The hard part is waiting. I am praying that my patience be strengthened and that my wait not be a nervous or even an impatient wait but that I can wait in the peace of my Lord.

Oh, I can update on my little girl. I took her to the Dr. on Friday and they took blood and ran a few test. One test showed her heart beating 30 more times a minute while laying down than when she was sitting up. She goes for her EKG this Friday. She is doing well and has had no more spells since the last big one (other than a little tiny one and I think it was more from her being scared.)

Dh and I are doing great. My emotions have been so incredibly stable this month. My heart has actually been full of joy. We have been talking a lot and I LOVE that. I finally feel like we are on the same page. Isn't God good! We discussed what to do if this wasn't our month and we both agreed on something big. We decided that next month I'll take the medicine (whether it be Femera or Clomid again) and I'll have the sonogram and give myself the shot and then we are going to schedule our first IUI.

WoW

I was amazed that dh had peace with that. Of course we are praying that this month is our month and we are conceiving but if not we know where we are headed next month. This is so big for me. Dh was completely against these procedures when we first began this journey and I have been praying that the Lord give dh peace with which steps we were to take and that I not come against him. I look at the time that has lapsed since I began this blog and God is working rather quickly. I just want to give Him all the praise and glory. I truly want His will to be done in my life.

Lord help me not to try and conform Your will to my life. Help me to conform my life to Your will. Amen.

I have to pray that everyday. Be blessed my fellow sisters. Hugs!

(oh my I did have a lot to say!)

Psalms 27:1-3

Psalm 27:1 The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

2 When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.

3 Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this I will be confident.

I'm back

Ok so everything I'm going through I'm going through for the first time as far as these infertility procedures. I use to think I was really good at asking all the good questions and learning exactly what is going on where treatment/care was concerned. I feel so ignorant or foreign may be a better word for all of this that I'm going through. I had no idea what to expect today.

I went into my RE's office and there was no wait. Zilch. I didn't even get a chance to relax or even think about what was happening next for that matter. I went in for my sonogram with Paula (I suppose she is a tech or something) and it was so fast. I mean like maybe 6-8 minutes. I was like wow. I thought sonograms took time! I was shown my uterus and told that all is well. My lining was very good and they were happy with that because they often find that clomid thins the endometrial lining too much. It needs to be at least a 6 and I was a 9.5.

Paula looked to my left ovary first. She immediately found a follicle that measured almost 18. I was told they needed to be 18-20. I'm not sure 18-20 what, is this cm or mm? I haven't a clue. There were several smaller ones, really small no need to even measure so she moved onto the right side. She found nothing even remotely close to being a good follicle. So I only have one follicle. She was very excited. I was extremely disappointed. For some reason I just knew there would be at least 2 and at the most 3. I was so hoping for twins. (Is this a desire of all women?)

My RE said for me to wait until tomorrow night to give myself the shot. The shot is Ovidrel 0.25mg. They want the follicle to grow another 34 hours or so. They also did another blood test. I'm not sure what this test was. I'm wanting to say it was estrodial. Paula just called a few moments ago and said that the test come back great and that my follicle is mature. They are very pleased with my progress.

If however we have no success this month next month they want to do a test I believe she called a postcoidal test.

Oh and Paula assured me that she did call my prescription for the shot into my local Walmart and that it had to be their mistake. She had noted it in my chart and noted that she did have to leave a message. This was reassuring to me. I used the pharmacy local to my RE's office and it was high. It cost me $69. I'm going to call Barron's Pharmacy and see if they can deliver to me and if so I'm going to get my RE to call my shots to them and save me a whopping $28 per shot, hopefully.

So that's it ladies. Keep me in your prayers, that this will be the month.

Now we wait.

To be or not to be.....aggravated

I went to Walmart tonight (on our way to the parent/teacher conference) to pick up my shot and they informed me that no one had called anything in. I really don't know if my RE forgot or if Walmart's answering machine messed up, either way I don't have my shot for tomorrow.

I'm going to have to call my RE in the morning when they open and get them to call it in to a pharmacy where they are that has it in stock. Walmart takes 24 hours to get it. Its hard for me to not think that this is something that SHOULD be controlled and NOT a problem for me. I really hope it wasn't my RE's mistake because the only other option I would have would be to travel over 2 hours away to a better clinic and I'm already driving an hour and 10 minutes. I don't want to drive any further. I really like the clinic I'm at, the people are so good to me, so caring and I'm able to talk to them. I would hate to think they are so careless to forget to call in my prescription.

I'm just going to trust it was an honest mistake or a big fluke or something. Another attempt from the enemy to bring down the walls on me and I'm going to bind up this attack in the name of Jesus and trust my Lord that all things happen in His time and according to His plan. I'm going to trust that I will be able to pick my shot up near my RE's office tomorrow and keep on moving. I'm going to believe that this month is going to be the month. I'm going to hope against all odds. I'm not going to even allow myself to get upset or think bad. I've prayed this since I stopped my tears and sucked it up in Walmart. I choose NOT to be aggravated.

Whew! :)

No News

Today I took my baby girl to the Dr. and the office was slammed. There wasn't a seat in the house available and when I got to the window I was told that my appointment wasn't at 2:15 it had been at 12:30. Instead of arguing with them I simply said ok. She said that they could work us in but it would be a while. I asked for the next available appointment instead and told them that if my daughter has any other episodes I'll bring her right in. So she has an appointment this Friday. I know that when she sees this Dr she is just going to refer us to a specialist. My daughter is doing great and has had no other signs of anything being wrong. Just continue to cover her in prayer. I have an unexplainable peace that all is well.

So to sum things up for me this month. I have taken clomid, 50 mg on days 3-7. This is my second month to use clomid and I do not care for it because I do believe it is wreaking havoc on my emotions. Tomorrow I go for my first sonogram to see if I have any follicles. It will be day 12 in this cycle for me. She said it would be better to be early than to be late. I am really hoping they aren't too early because I don't want to have to pay for a second test but I'll do what I have to. Convenience right now would save me some doe! LOL!

I haven't studied much on what happens after this. I know that I pick my shot up this afternoon and I take it to the office with me. They are going to show me how to give it. I don't have a problem with needles at all, I've given B-12 shots before and taken my share. I guess my hubby will give it to me, thankfully he has no problem with needles either. So no fears here. I don't know when I'll get the shot though. I'm thinking that will depend on when they see my follicles? She said if they don't see anything tomorrow I'll come back on Friday for them to look again.

For those of you who have done this before please feel free to share with me what you have learned and what I can expect. Have any of you had side effects from the shot? What about success stories?

Praying the Lord open wombs this month! Hallelujah!

Great Weekend

All in all everything was really good this weekend. Saturday was tough. I had to fight myself to maintain but through Christ I won. We visited my hubby's sister for a birthday party. The little baby that she's been given was there of course and they were planning a belated baby shower at their church. Why does that bother me so? It's got to be just plain ole jealousy. I know its a natural thing for those of us experiencing infertility to feel this way but don't you just hate it! I hate that I'm jealous. I prayed so hard. I was tense at first. Plus I had some words with my oldest daughter. My hubby took me to the car and he allowed me to vent it out and when I went back I was better. The best therapy was just picking up that baby and loving on him. It released me in so many ways. I held him, I fed him and I changed his diapers. I could feel the Lord's embrace around me as I embraced that little 3 week old baby boy. I prayed for his momma in jail and I prayed for the Lord to protect him. He's going have a rough road. The night went well.

Today's sermon was moving. You know Jesus went through so much more than I am. When calvary is bought to the light and you think about Jesus being beaten, spit on, His beard and hair pulled out, 39 stripes, mocked and made fun of, humiliated, watching His garments being gambled for and being nailed to the cross....what I'm going through is nothing. He did it all for me and you. He endured it all for me and you. He willingly committed His spirit to the Father. The devil took nothing, he won nothing. Jesus fulfilled the prophecy. Thank-You my Savior! Thank-You! And let's not forget that He was raised 3 days later!! Hallelujah!

Tonight my husband brought the word. His sermon titled,"A Wait Problem." He talked about waiting on the Lord. He gave wonderful scriptures from Psalms and talked about David being anointed to become king but how he had to wait 20 years. There are more than 20 verses in Psalms stating, "To Wait on the Lord." Do you want to know what it brought to my mind?

Patience, and how little I've had lately.

Then he went on to preach the other side of wait. When God calls us to do something and we say, "Wait Lord." He taught on how precious time is and that we don't know how much time we have. Our ultimate purpose being seeking souls for God's kingdom, being kingdom seekers. I had a lot of revelation today and I pray that the Lord can use it to help you also.

Father God I pray that Your will be my will. Lord I pray that I not try to conform Your will into my life but that my life be conformed into Your will! Lord open my eyes that I may see and my ears that I may hear. Help me to have revelation over what You are trying to teach me. Help me to stay in line with Your word. I love You Father. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

A New Day

Praise God!

Yesterday was a terrible day. In ways I wish I didn't share all the bad and ugly but I think its important for me to see my struggle. I will be able to go back and see how my emotions have roller coastered and how my faith is being exercised and built. I'll also be able to see the choices that I've made. If I choose to allow God to help me and praise Him through the storms or if I choose to wallow in the pit. In hind site it can be pretty embarrassing. But thats ok, I'm going to learn from my mistakes.

Last night dh and I argued a lot. In the end I was able to see a lot of his struggle. What he hides. It's hard on him too. Somehow I just felt like it was harder on me because I'm the one who had *go* through everything.

No, I don't go through anything alone. My grief and my emotions are felt by everyone in my household, not just my husband but also my children. I've put them through a lot. Seems they are all incredibly worried about me. This makes me feel so ashamed and disappointed in myself, but I'm going to do my best to overcome my attitude and allow my God to shine through me. Its not over. Its a new day.

We made up and making up feels so good. I feel like we came to a place of unspoken understanding with one another. I felt like our hearts opened and our love actually connected. The past few months have felt like dh and I were more like room mates than husband and wife. I just praise God for taking an ugly situation and turning it completely around.

Then late last night my youngest daughter who is seven years old, told me she wasn't feeling well. Hmmm. I looked at her and she was very pale and peaked looking. I asked her what hurt and she said her tummy. I asked her if she was hungry, no. I asked her if she needed to go potty, no. She wanted to lay down. So I tucked her into bed with her daddy. About 5 minutes later she came down the hall to me. She said,"Mommy my heart is hurting."

Fear instantly struck me.

I placed my hand on her chest and her heart was beating HARD and FAST. She was very white and she said that hurt her to breathe in. Oh no. I took her to dh and woke him up. He felt her chest and it was beginning to slow down. He was so calm. He laid hands on her and started to pray for her. Then it was over. It was gone. She was better and just ready for bed. So I snuggled her up and prayed over her for a long time last night. I am so thankful, so grateful that she is better. God I love my children and I do not want to lose them.

This morning I called her pediatrician and she has an appointment on Monday. I'm sure they'll run lots of tests and monitor her. After this incident though I realized that my focus is too consumed on trying to conceive. I need to be focused on being the godly wife and mother I should be with trying to conceive a less priority. My life isn't stopping around me waiting for me to get it together, its going on without me. My husband told me that last night. It shook me to my core.

Praise God today is a new day!

This morning I woke up early. I remembered to take my temperature! Yay for me! The phone rang and I was expecting my hubby to call so I answered the phone quickly barely allowing it ring. It was my RE's office instead. My test results were in. Breathe deeply. I had not expected them call so early. I wish I could remember her name, she was so very nice to me. They had told me I needed a result between a 2 and a 4. My results were.......






a 2.4!

Whew!!! This is such good news! Relief flooded me. Then I went on to explain to this nice lady about my horrid emotional state. I'm wondering if some of the depth of it is coming from the clomid. She agrees it could be and that next month my Dr. had mentioned taking me off clomid and trying me on Femera. This was a relief too. I don't think I could handle another month of clomid right now. She asked me if I would like to come in for a sonogram to see if I had any follicles developing and told me that they could give me a shot to help me ovulate. We had hesitated on these options because of finances. I called dh and we agreed that the cost was low enough that we could try this a few times. So I scheduled my sonogram for next Tuesday.

I'm excited. I'm so excited. It just feels good to know we are going to be doing something different and that I am not going to continue with the clomid. If we are not successful in conceiving this month I'm probably going to take a month off to give my body a break. But we will see. I really think a month of not trying would be good to get my focus off of this and maybe the stress levels will drop.

I do have to say that today I feel good. I feel so good. I just praise God for a good day. I praise Him for the joy I feel. I thank Him for my precious children.

I praise God that today is a new day!

Bear with Me

In one way I feel terrible to keep complaining but that is after all why I created this blog. I had to have somewhere that I could go and say how I feel.

Everything was fine until the phone rang and my husband called. He mentioned that we might have a class tonight at church and I voiced that I didn't want to go. He asked why. I replied that I just didn't feel good. He said, "You didn't want to take this class from the beginning."

What? Why did you say that?

"Nevermind baby," he said, "I don't want to argue with you today."

But why did you say that? I said I didn't feel like going.

This inevitably led to a horrible argument. No he didn't want to fight but he does not understand how I feel. He thinks that I am suppose to get ready and go in spite of how I feel, and trust me, I DO THIS ON MANY DAYS. But today isn't one of them. I'm shaky. The tears aren't stopping. I just needed to rest today. That is all. I needed a day off, with NO pressure and NO guilt.

I feel like he's tired of me. Like he has no sympathy or understanding. Sometimes I just need him to understand me. I don't choose this. I can't just say feel better and viola, I'm better. It doesn't work that way.

Have I pushed him away? Do I disgust him? Where is our love? Does he blame me?

Today I just needed some time.

Emotions

I feel bad and I'm so tired of feeling bad. If I'm not down because I just got the red stain then I have no energy and don't feel like even getting in the shower. I manage to do the dishes and get supper on the table. I'm actually proud of myself for those feats. Tonight I had to teach and I literally had to force myself to go. I enjoyed my kiddos. I laughed. They were good and they listened. God is good. But I couldn't wait to get home.

Noise bothers me. I'm not sleeping well but its all I want to do. I have a crick in my neck and my entire left shoulder. I'm gaining weight and its nobody's fault but my own. Everything that people say to me is insensitive. I get angry at people and I'm really a loving person. Infertility has brought out a lot of anger in me. I want it all out.

We had a family member commit suicide Sunday night. My husbands mother called to tell us as soon as she heard. She told us there would be no services. Then yesterday she found that they were holding a private family service today. She forgot to call us and tell us.

How?

She didn't forget to call his sister, but she forgot to call us.

The thing is, we were so close to this part of the family. His mom and sister were not. I'm angry and I'm bitter. I feel like she does this on purpose, I can't prove it and in reality she probably doesn't. But it sure feels like its on purpose.

His mom doesn't want me to have anymore children either. This makes for a horrible family situation. She has in the last three or four years stopped her comments so I don't have to deal with them anymore but I know how she feels. Every month I feel like she is getting her way. Childish. Childish. Childish. My own happiness and well being are being disturbed because I am not forgiving and walking in love. I have days that I do forgive and give it completely to God and I'm so full of HIM that I can visit, conversate and even hug. I can actually go long periods of time forgetting that there ever was a time that we didn't get along. I love these times. I know my husband does. And then bam, it happens again. Why do they insist on treating us this way? But Jesus said, seventy times seven. I can't do it but I know I can do it with Christ. I need Him tonight.

"Lord you feel so far away."

I'm checking my calendar, trying to clear the days so I don't have to go anywhere. I just wish I could feel good, have some energy. I am going to have to start some kind of diet soon. I can't keep going up. I despise diets. I lose 20 lbs rather quickly but I gain it back faster.

I'm praying tomorrow is a better day.

Busy Day Today

Today should go pretty quick with all that I have to do. I'm thankful for that.

I took my clomid a couple of hours too early last night. Usually I take it just as I'm getting into bed. Last night I couldn't sleep because of yesterday's nap. I noticed that I was incredibly ill. I mean everything was getting on my nerves. Tonight I'm definitely not taking it until I'm laying my head down on the pillow to sleep.

Gotta run.

So Blah

I had such a short flo. I mean short. I started Friday morning heavy and by Saturday noon it was gone. Gone. Very little spotting on through today. Yesterday after searching the net I became concerned that maybe there was a tiny remote possibility that I could be pregnant and I surely didn't want to begin taking clomid if I were, so...last night I used another pregnancy test to confirm what I already knew. I wasn't pregnant but I had to be sure. So I took my clomid at bedtime. So far I've remembered to take my temperatures too. This is a biggie for me because last month I blew my temperatures and they are very important.

Dh came in this afternoon and we ate dinner and went to bed. I woke up feeling horrible. Totally blah. The sleep felt good but the waking up didn't. I'll be up through the night today and I have a lot to do tomorrow.

I've been reading tons of stuff online. I've been reading and searching out other bloggers dealing with infertility, trying to find a message board and of course just researching. I read on one ladies blog that a few vitamins helped her to conceive. So I've ordered several and I'm pretty excited about them coming. I hope they hurry. I'll definitely share if I have any success with them. Some days there is nothing to do but wait and you just wish there was something you could do. Right now it'd be great if my mind could think about something else! :)

Devil you will NOT take my song

Today's service was amazing. I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay home and sulk while wallowing in my own self pity. I wanted to be lazy and lay in bed all day dreaming about being pregnant and hoping that it'll be this month. The stress is taking a toll on my marriage. Yesterday was a hard day for dh and I. I have so many things I want to say and he's just tired of hearing me. He doesn't agree with much of my bitterness and he shouldn't, I'm wrong, I know I'm wrong but it's how I've felt. I want him not only to listen but also agree with me. Yesterday he didn't agree with me but he didn't want to voice it. I wanted to hear him tell me he didn't agree with me, I mean tell me anything just talk to me! I forced it and he said it. Oddly when he was done I felt better. How weird is that? It hurt but I also understood. He was mad with me for a long while. Pretty much the rest of the day. I wanted to make up, he wasn't ready. He wasn't ready until it was time to sleep. Then I was angry again. I mean why couldn't he have been ok when we actually had time to talk. He doesn't want to talk. He wants to be together silently, watching movies, holding hands, laying in bed together. I don't want to talk about the weather or how my day was. I want to talk. He doesn't. So I wanted to stay home today and make him go to church by himself. I felt the Holy Spirit leading me this morning, urging me to get up and go. I am so glad I obeyed.

Today was on not allowing the devil to take your song. Pastor spoke of how uplifting it was to sing and praise the Lord. How pleased the Lord was when we opened ourselves and praised Him not asking for anything, not one blessing, just seeking Him and Him alone. During our praise and worship today that was the words of one of the songs we sang. "Lord I want nothing, not even one blessing all I want is YOU." It took me back to a place that I haven't been in a long time. A moment where I didn't care about anything but pleasing my Father. A longing to feel myself consumed by Him. Praising Him and not pleading with Him to answer my prayers. Somehow as my focus was cleared and directed today I knew that I was going to be ok. That God's plan was enough for me. It strengthened me for battle. I am not down for the count. I am strong and I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me.

Pastor talked about how easy it was to praise God when we were on our mountain tops and I pictured myself pregnant with twins and how I would be shouting glory to the Lord, and I shouted glory to Him today for being my King!!! Pastor spoke of how easy it was to preach God's word when people were saying Amen, preach it brother. How easy it was to raise our hands among friends and those with like faith. How easy it was to open up to God when His presence came and charged the atmosphere. Anyone could stand up and shout Hallelujah! Or testify about the Lord and all His goodness.

The test of your faith is when you are down trodden and in the lowest of lowest places. Are you singing His praises and claiming the victory through the midst of the trial? Or have you abandoned your faith and given up on the Lord? If the devil gets your song, be sure, he has your victory.

Remember these scriptures.

James 1:2 Brethren, Count it all JOY when you fall into divers temptations.

all joy--cause for the highest joy. Nothing but joy. Count all "divers temptations" to be each matter of joy.

fall into--unexpectedly, so as to be encompassed by them

temptations--not in the limited sense of allurements to sin, but trials or distresses of any kind which test and purify the Christian character. Every possible trial to the child of God is a masterpiece of strategy of the Captain of his salvation for his good.


1Peter 1:6
Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a
season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through
manifold temptations:

1Peter 1:7
That the trial of your faith, being much more precious
than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire,
might be found unto praise and honour and glory at
the appearing of Jesus Christ:

1Peter 1:8
Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now
ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy
unspeakable and full of glory:

1Peter 1:9
Receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of
your souls.

Wherein--in which prospect of final salvation.

greatly rejoice--"exult with joy": "are exuberantly glad." Salvation is realized by faith (1Pe 1:9) as a thing so actually present as to cause exulting joy in spite of existing afflictions.

for a season--Greek, "for a little time." if need be--"if it be God's will that it should be so" , for not all believers are afflicted. One need not invite or lay a cross on himself, but only "take up" the cross which God imposes ("his cross"); 2Ti 3:12 is not to be pressed too far. Not every believer, nor every sinner, is tried with afflictions . Some falsely think that notwithstanding our forgiveness in Christ, a kind of atonement, or expiation by suffering, is needed.

ye are in heaviness--Greek, "ye were grieved." The "grieved" is regarded as past, the "exulting joy" present. Because the realized joy of the coming salvation makes the present grief seem as a thing of the past. At the first shock of affliction ye were grieved, but now by anticipation ye rejoice, regarding the present grief as past.

through--Greek, "IN": the element in which the grief has place.

manifold--many and of various kinds (1Pe 4:12-13).

temptations--"trials" testing your faith.


1Pe 4:12
Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery
trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing
happened unto you:

1Pe 4:13
But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's
sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye
may be glad also with exceeding joy.

strange--they might think it strange that God should allow His chosen children to be sore tried.

fiery trial--like the fire by which metals are tested and their dross removed. The Greek adds, "in your case." which is to try you--Greek, "which is taking place for a trial to you." Instead of its "happening to you" as some strange and untoward chance, it "is taking place" with the gracious design of trying you; God has a wise design in it--a consolatory reflection.

inasmuch as--The oldest manuscripts read, "in proportion as"; "in as far as" ye by suffering are partakers of Christ's sufferings, that is, by faith enter into realizing fellowship with them; willingly for His sake suffering as He suffered.

with exceeding joy--Greek, "exulting joy"; now ye rejoice amidst sufferings; then ye shall EXULT, for ever free from sufferings.

Sometimes its so hard to remember we are in a spiritual battle not a physical one. That we are running a race with a big reward. That it isn't about us, its about HIM. He has a purpose and a plan for us and if we are too self absorbed we could miss the mark. I know this journey isn't an easy one but I must trust that my Father will give me what I need when I need it. I must focus on Him and desire Him first and foremost. He is a jealous God.

So today I sing.


Read Made Me Glad lyrics

I will bless the Lord forever
I will trust Him at all times
He has delivered me from all fear
He has set my feet upon a rock
I will not be moved
And I'll say of the Lord

You are my shield, my strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need

Whom have I in heaven but You
There's none I desire beside You
You have made me glad
And I'll say of the Lord

You are my shield, my strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need

Yesterday it came again....

The red stain. I was so angry. I'm not happy about the anger I feel and I want the Lord to help me work my way through it. My emotions have been wreaking havoc on me lately and I long to have peace.

I called my Dr. and they had me come in for a blood test. I get the results next Friday. This will show if my eggs are healthy. I'm praying for a score of 2-4. This will mean I'll respond well to medicines. Too low and I won't. Too high and I'll have to have more tests. So if you are reading this could you send up a prayer that my score will be just right?

I felt so much better once I started. It was like my hormones all settled down again and my migraine went away and I began to hope again. I love hope. Hope keeps me from going down into the pits of despair where I begin to listen to thoughts that I will never conceive again. Hope says maybe next month, its coming, be patient and trust in the Lord.

I love this scripture:

Romans 4:18
Who against hope believed in hope

Listen to this.
Who against hope--when no ground for hope appeared.
believed in hope--that is, cherished the believing expectation.


Please understand this. Even as I pour out and share my total honest and sometimes brutal feelings and anger. I will never turn on my Lord. I love Him and no matter what He decides for my womb I will continue to love Him and serve Him and share Him. I will accept all things from Him, whether they be good or bad. I trust Him. I know He has a plan for me and I know He hears my cries. He knows my pain. He is my Father and He knows all things. I feel like He is purging me of many things during this time. I may rebel, I may not like it and it may take me time to accept it. BUT He is my all in all. Without Christ I have nothing.

Tough Week

I'm so tired and I feel horrible. This week has been so hard. I took a pg test on Monday which was day 29 for me and it was negative...so I'm pretty sure I'm not pg but today was day 32 for me and I should have started already. I've had an incredible headache today and I'm vaguely cramping and have been off and on since last night so I've made a million trips to the bathroom checking to see if the red stain is there and so far it isn't. Then my mind begins to race as I begin to think that maybe I am but I'm so afraid to hope. It's so much easier on my mind and body when my cycle is on time. Stress....its been a stress filled month.

Let's Start from the Beginning

I have three daughters and they are each five and a half years apart. No Planning. It just happened that way. Ever since I can remember I have wanted a housefull of children. My favorite T.V. shows were Little House on the Prairie, The Waltons and The Brady Bunch. Somehow I always knew I'd be The Little Old Woman Who Lived in the Shoe and had So Many Children She Didn't Know What to Do. I never dreamed that becoming with child would be so hard and difficult. I never dreamed that I would want children so badly and that each month would bring mourning over and over. Leading me to ask why......questioning if its something I've done. If I need to repent. Wondering what my future holds and why in the world My Father in Heaven who knows better than I what is best for me would close my womb. Has He, in fact, closed my womb? Is He saying no or is He saying Keep Trying, go further. Is it truly taking things out of His hands to search out medical help to conceive? We seek medical help for absolutely everything else. We've always said God expects us to have common sense and that He has given our Dr.s knowledge. We've never turned away medicine or medical advice. We vaccinate, get physicals, have surgeries and take medicines, so why, when it comes to conceiving a child am I suppose to do nothing and just trust in God to heal me? If I would not take the same approach if I found out I had cancer then why am I expected to take this approach now? The Bible says:

Ps 127:3
Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and
the fruit of the womb is his reward.
Ps 127:4
As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so
are children of the youth.
Ps 127:5
Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them:
they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak
with the enemies in the gate.

Am I so wrong to want a child so badly? One would say no, not for wanting a child but for obsessing over it. I'm going to be 37 next month. My youngest daughter is 7 years old. Seven years and no conception. Do you not understand how empty and hopeless that feels? The despair that rises up out of my deepest parts? The questions, what if? Do I dare to hope? Every month seems as a failure. I don't know how to view my infertility as far as God goes. Is it a curse? Is satan robbing my husband of his seed? His namesake? His bloodline? In the bible all men desired sons and I know even though my husband is sometimes afraid to share his deepest feelings for fear of causing me even more pain, he desires a son greatly. We have petitioned God for our sons and I am to the point that I feel as though I am begging Him. He knows my desires. How do I continue to pray? Why would God's will be different than my own concerning this? How could it be for me not to have more children? How do I know what to do? Do I keep the faith? Do I give up? The desire grows stronger. It has eased up some in the past but I feel more like that was from being tired of trying and that somewhere deep inside of me I felt like if I gave up it would happen and it didn't. That angers me.

I feel as though I must seek help. Some days I truly feel like God is closing every door except the medical field. I feel like He's leading me in that direction so that I can have more than one baby. I am pretty sure my husband isn't going to see it this way. I think he's afraid somewhat. Afraid of something being wrong with the baby, afraid of something happening to me, afraid that we would be taking matters out of God's hands and he's very concerned about the cost. The cost for us would be on the minimal side but minimal for us is high because we have nothing. But I know the clinic does do financing. There is hope there. This is what keeps playing through my mind.......

If I had a sickness and no insurance would money stop us from seeking all help to save my life? NO, we would do whatever it took. Would we be taking my life out of God's hands? No only God gives life and takes it away. No matter what medicine or what procedure only God could save me. We would be trusting Him to use medicines to do so. So how would we be taking this out of God's hands? No matter what procedure we do only God gives life. He would have to choose to bless my womb through intervention. We would just be taking the medicine and having procedures so to speak not forcing His hand. Life is life, is the life of my unconceived child worth any less than my own?

I just have to pray that my husband and I will be on the same page. That he can open his mind some and relax and let us just do this thing. There were a few years after my last daughter was born that he didn't want more children. I prayed, I cried, I begged and I pleaded with him. It was a hard time for our marriage. For me it was the hardest. For him somehow I think this is the hardest. I remember when the Lord finally changed his heart and I was so happy and so excited! I thought it was coming soon, that I had made it through the storm and the victory was near. Then a year rolled by, and then another, and then another, and now another. I have to stop myself from hating the time that was missed and waisted over us not being on the same page. I have 5 more years at the most. Honestly, it sounds harsh but its reality. Yes I know Sarah had a baby somewhere near her 100's but I do NOT feel like I'm going to be a Sarah. I have five years. I want to be aggressive. I want to move forward with the medicines to help me ovulate. I want to consider IUI-Intrauterine Insemination if necessary. At first I didn't. I wanted to make sure that dh had no problems and that my tubes were open but now I want the Dr.s to help my body do what its suppose to do on its own. I want to know more. Are my eggs ok? Is my cervical fluid good quality? Are the sperm swimming in the right directions? Is it my hormones? One step at a time. I'm ready to take a step and try something we haven't tried.

This past month I have been so excited. I had a HSG-Hysterosalpingogram and my tubes were flushed with dye. The Dr. found nothing wrong with them and said there are signs that say the next three months will be more hopeful because they've been flushed out. I took clomid and although I wasn't monitored by the Dr. (because of expenses) I do believe I ovulated but my fluid wasn't good at all this month. I took a pregnancy test on Monday which was day 29 for me and it was negative. Today is day 31 and I still don't have my period but my face has been horridly broken out, I mean acne nodules on my neck-bleck-and everything. I feel like I'm getting ready to start but I'm also becoming hopeful again. I think sometimes that is the hardest part, the hope, I start to become excited just thinking that maybe, knowing there IS a chance and then boom, the red stain... again. The disappointment....again. I can say one thing, I am so glad we've had tests done and I know the problem is me. When I am weak I can tend to blame my precious husband, the man who loves me more than life and would do anything for me. Knowing the problem is with me helps me to deal with things somehow.

The other thing is looking around me. I have a friend who is pregnant with her fifth child and she stopped wanting more at her third. I also have a family member that was on drugs and lost custody of her own son more than once who has just had a newborn baby boy given to her. Who am I to question God? But boy do I question Him. What a slap in the face it is to me for her of all people to get the baby and not me? BUT then some would say I'm judging. Am I? I mean what about the baby? What if she falls off the wagon? Yes I do know He is in control and that He knows what is best and that maybe He is using the baby to help her but He's God! He has many many more children, there certainly isn't a shortage of souls. Why must I wait? If I could hear His voice whisper to me that it is coming for sure I'd be ok but the thoughts of it never happening sicken me. His will not my own, but why would He not want me to have a child? I sound so selfish. I know I am, I know all of these things these feelings of mine are NOT scriptural but I NEED to get it out. I suppress it, I hide it and it boils within me. I get so tired of smiling when I'm so distraught and upset. And there is no-one who understands, my husband tries but I just don't think he truly gets the depth of my pain. Others say, You have three!! How in this world could you want more?? I scream inside of myself, HOW IN THE WORLD COULD YOU NOT!!! Is my pain any less than someone who has no children? I don't know. But because I have three should that determine that I have no more? I don't think so.

Regardless, I will not choose to wallow in my pain, I will rise out of this despair in the name of Jesus. I will trust Him, I will be obedient and I will have peace. I already do some days. Today is just a day that I needed to pour it all out.

Forgive me Father, forgive me for my selfishness and covetness, my envy and anger, my rage and despair. Fill me with Your word and Your spirit. Strengthen me to carry my cross each day. Some days I do pretty good and others I never even get it off the ground. Help me to sing Your praises through my darkest times. I love you my Father, no matter what, I love you. Amen......